Alone or lonely

I generally don't mind being alone most of the time. I fact, my personality style needs to be alone to re-charge. But being alone also creates the problem of loneliness. Being lonely for long periods of time (years even) has crashed my spirit and makes me wonder if even God wants to be around me. It doesn't help that, out of the thousands of churches in my area, I haven't been able to find (or get directed) to one where I can encounter the living God.

Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. John 15:4
We are never alone, ...see I am responding. You remain in your belief of the Truth; Christ Jesus.

Hi @Rick070,

Welcome to CC!

I understand very well what you mean about being alone. And I also understand that many times, even if we find or are around a lot of people, it doesn't mean we are no longer lonely. Many people I'm around make me feel even lonelier.

I was having a conversation yesterday with some people about how I used to love traveling, but it's getting harder to do, especially by myself. They all looked at me like I was whining about having a papercut or something. But that's because they all have families to travel with, so they don't think about the extra hassles and precautions a single has to take. I think about this every time I realize I can't just leave my bags with someone to go to the restroom or get a quick bite to eat. And maybe I'm just a wimp, but hauling your bags everywhere (because the best chances I've found to avoid having the airline lose your luggage is to travel with carry-ons only,) wears you out in a few hours -- and you might have an entire day of connecting flights and other airports to get through. Not to mention if your flight gets canceled and you're stranded for hours or even overnight.

And I certainly don't mean it as a whoa me, boo hoo hoo -- but rather, it's an illustration of being surrounded by people but never being understood or taken seriously, which ampliflies lonelines to the max.

I get to a point where I can't really talk to people about my life, and tend to isolate myself even more.

I also understand about the churches. I've moved a few times and it always takes me 6-8 or more churches to find where I feel like I'm actually connecting with God. I haven't found anything in my current location either, and that search is also exhausting. There are a few I visit, and I always listen online to a church I attended in another state, but it's tricky because even if you do find one, some automatically want to plug you into groups or areas of service that might make you even more uncomfortable.

I'm sorry to say I haven't found any solutions. I always say I'm an introvert who can masquerade as an extrovert when needed, but I tend to keep to myself.

I have some long-distance friends (some I met here) I keep in touch with via a chat, and though we might not talk that much, it does help keep some of the loneliness at bay.

Do you have any friends you could talk with on the phone, online, or through email? I'm sorry that this probably seems like a lousy suggestion, but in all honesty, for me, that's all I have had for many years. I've tried joining a lot of groups in the past, but wound up feeling even more alone, so phone calls, emails, and online is how I get by. And I talk to God about everything (maybe sometimes more than He wants to hear!) So yes, God wants you around, ane yes, He wants to hear what you have to say. The Bible even tells us to "Cast all yours on Him, because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

I hope you'll feel free to join in on the discussions here -- some are serious, some are just for fun -- and hopefully meet a few new people.

First: Howdy, and welcome to the forum.

Second: Loneliness happens to us all, even to people with a spouse and 2.6 kids. If you have a wife who loves and perfectly understands you and children who love and obey you, you WILL sometimes still feel lonely. It's just gonna happen.

Third: "The only thing a person needs to be truly happy in life is something to be enthusiastic about." A lot of what we think is loneliness is really misdirected aimlessness... Which I guess is on-brand for aimlessness, having bad aim. =^.^= From what I have experienced and from everything I have been able to gather from everybody I know, I have concluded the best cure for perceived loneliness is to find something you like to do and do it a lot.

Side note: You know all those verses about laying up treasures in Heaven? I have found that's a really easy thing to get enthusiastic about. Jesus wasn't just kidding. When lifting weights and motorcycle clubs and partying and making your next rap album have lost their thrill and seem pointless, the things the Bible said we should be storing up will always be there to give meaning to our lives.

Loneliness is a human condition. It is always present, more or less. The more disharmony there is with God and others, the lonelier we feel. The fact is we are already at disharmony with God (due to the Fall and human condition of rebellion) and with others (due to selfishness, unforgiveness, lack of understanding, etc.). The treatment plan for loneliness is to accept that loneliness is present. Seek God more and repair relationships or come to terms with those relationships. A church is not going to fix your loneliness.

We can do something about aloneness, which I do not believe is a human condition. God intended for us to be in relationship/fellowship with other people, and there are plenty of verses to support this. The Bible even supports not being alone for logistical purposes.

• Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?

The treatment plan for aloneness is to accept that aloneness is bad and to seek relationships. At the same time, don't be rash by trying to "fix" this aloneness problem. It can seem like hard work, and even futile, but we should aim to be connected with others. Although I personally have not volunteered much, I have heard this helps a lot of with aloneness. As with all relationships, it is best to management expectations. It is not good to associate with bad company. I agree that being alone can add to loneliness, but it doesn't create loneliness.

You've articulated a profound reflection on the nature of loneliness and aloneness, and their respective remedies in the context of human experience and spiritual beliefs. The distinction between loneliness as a more pervasive human condition and aloneness as a situational challenge resonates deeply, especially when viewed through a Christian lens.

Loneliness, as you noted, often stems from disharmony—first with God, due to our fallen nature, and then with others, due to our human imperfections like selfishness and unforgiveness. Your suggestion to seek deeper connection with God and to repair or come to terms with our relationships highlights a spiritual and relational approach to addressing this condition. It's true that loneliness isn't simply resolved by attending church or being in a crowd, as it runs deeper, affecting the soul’s connection to God and others.

Aloneness, on the other hand, is more about physical and emotional isolation, which can be addressed through intentional efforts to build relationships. The passage from Ecclesiastes underscores the importance of companionship and mutual support. Seeking relationships, as you mentioned, is a way to counteract aloneness, and while it can be challenging, it aligns with the biblical teaching that we are created for community and fellowship.

Your point about not being rash in seeking to "fix" aloneness is wise. Building meaningful connections takes time, patience, and discernment, particularly in choosing good company. Volunteering is indeed a powerful way to foster connections, as it often brings together people who share common values and a desire to serve others, which can lead to fulfilling relationships.

In conclusion, your thoughts highlight a balanced approach: embracing the reality of loneliness as a condition that can be mitigated by spiritual and relational growth, and addressing aloneness with deliberate efforts to connect with others while managing expectations. This perspective offers both spiritual insight and practical advice for navigating these deeply human experiences.

As for me? I am alone and sometimes lonely

Thank you for your comment and suggestions. I think introverts understand the dilemma better than most (especially we who can fake extroversion). Joining this chat is my attempt to gain some connections.

there's a contradiction here: "don't mind being alone most of the time" & "being lonely for long periods of time has crashed my spirit". being alone e can be lonely. you are definitely missing something, its may be human companionship. sometimes people train themselves in a self punishing way concerning a feeling or characteristic to combat what needs to be changed. there's totally, a lack of quality churches around. i haven't gone to church steadily for a while. some people will say, "you just don't want to go" or "if you really love God, you'll go". i am not going to sit in church & be unhappy listening to someone speak 10,000 words & say nothing. that's what you get around here. i've got 311 Bible verses memorized & i can preach & teach much better than the pastors around here. at home, i listen too adrian rogers, charles stanley, michael uceff, robert jeffres, jack hibb, kenneth hagin, joseph prince, charles capps, chuck colsen, amir tsarfati, david jeremiah, etc. i definitely desire to attend church but there isn't anyone worth it.

For sure, brother.

I don't know if I was feeling lonely or alone today, while at work (I think they're all liberals, lol) but I now realize that I was not "in the moment." I was 'off somewhere else,' concerned about either this or that and only going through the motions of the tasks at hand. On my better days, I would select a strawberry garnish that I'd fancy the diner might find especially 'shiny' or something to delight about but today, any acceptable strawberry seemed to do just as well. So, to try to get through the day, I pulled out my portable video player (my phone) and put on a series of shorts from you tube (AI knows my preferences and brought up Jordan Peterson, CS Lewis, talking dogs, etc.). Well, one of the clips told me about 'the most unfortunate fact' or something similar to that idea which was that 'somebody misses you...somebody wishes you were in the room right now...even if it is somebody that you haven't seen in five years..." and I think that keyed in on our that which we are most in want for and in search of, knowing that we are loved by someone, somewhere... (cue the song that will be looping in my head... Somewhere... out there... beneath the pale moonliiiight....)
So then, at that moment, I got back into the moment and decided to love whosoever happened to come into the room, just to see a smile crack, and even the dishes were crack-a-lackin'.

I often wish I could spend a day, week, or month as another person, just to know what it's like to be go through life from a completely different angle.

I never even knew I was an introvert, as I was surrounded by people constantly, and then came a day when I unwantedly found myself completely alone. It was a huge shock to my system, as this was brand-new (and brought about by a very unwanted divorce.) I was bitter knowing that my to-be ex-husband was cuddling up to his girlfriend while I was coming home, throwing my keys on the table, and hearing the empty echo through the house (it's what I still do today.)

But over many years, the silence became a refuge. I don't know if I was always that way, or if God changed me to adjust But now, too much noise, too much busyness, too much talking for far too long can (though we all have to bear it through work and so forth,) becomes mentally painful. This is also why I am so drawn to writing. My mind is always racing, though in person, I don't talk nearly as much, but I might hand you an 8-page letter. And the beauty is, the other person can read it on their own time, or choose not to read it at all -- I'm not trapping them in person and forcing them to listen to me drone on.

I often wonder what it's like for extroverts. During the pandemic restrictions, it was fascinating, albeit heart-breaking, to see some people saying they were born for such isolation, and others suffering immensely because of it.

I'm sure extroverts have a bit of this too, but I find being alone/loneliness to be especially tricky to navigate as introvert.

We need just enough, and just the right, interaction to still feel human.

But once that threshold is passed (and it's different for everyone,) it becomes mentally and emotionally painful, sometimes even more damaging than the loneliness -- and so we are always having to choose what might become the lesser evil of the two.

The pandemic was such a glorious time for introverts

I’m alone (for many years)but not lonely. I do get bored. I have a couple of fur babies that make me laugh. They’re like little children.
I find things to do, even if it’s going to the post office, or thrift store where women are a bit more likely to talk to you. When you rise each morning, ask God to help you find someone to cross your path to whom You can minister or bless, or pay for the person in the grocery line who looks in need or lonely.
My conversations in grocery lines are short & fun. They get a smile & so do I.
Of course, use wisdom, follow your gut feeling. Some people don’t like forward, social people. Volunteer to be fun in the hospital children’s ward, or read to them. to Be blessed in your search.

It is said that Christians need fellowship but most churches have revolving doors where yu walk-in and out and no one cares who you are or what’s goin on

Fellowship is recommended, not ordered. That doesn’t always mean church, but connections with those to whom you have a Christian connection; in social situations, work situations. With those whom you trust to share& have conversations about Jesus & related subjects. It also means fellowshipping with Jesus.

Maybe that's why my favorite vacation (aside from a meetup) is spending a week in a motel and not opening the door one single time during that week. I kinda like myself.

I have heard multiple people say that the reason they absolutely MUST have earbuds when they are traveling somewhere is not because they really like music, but because they really hate their own thoughts and don't want to listen to themselves thinking during the trip.