Another Marriage-Very scared tonight

I searched for Christian chat because I really need to talk. No such luck this time of night. Right now I want to disappear. My husband of 19.5 years hates me and I truly no longer care. I have cancer. I have an 11 year old daughter and a 9 year old son and currently trying to gain custody of my 16 year old niece. If I don't wake in the morning I will no longer have this pain. I can do nothing right, I have very few trusted friends (different views, different life styles, different places in our lives, etc) and I have reached the end of my logical reasoning. I work 3 jobs to make ends meet and he takes 70% of my pay and who knows what he does with it. "Stuff" he says. No, he does not have a girlfriend or a drug habit. He is just money hungry and is obsessed with it. I LOVE my children and I have endured for such a long time. My previous pastor (we both cared for him deeply) told me flat out to just tolerate and show my husband how good I can be and that would open his eyes. I have given up my friends, my credit cards, three various jobs all to please him. No such luck. He still wants more from me: clean the house more, be home more, do even less outside of the house. There is NO pleasing him. He works hard every week, cares for the yard, does projects but hardly ever finishes them, ignores the kids as much as possible and complains about how "chunky" I am. I am 5'4" and I am 170. Not HUGE, not small, I would say a above average. I have/had breast cancer almost 5 years ago and gained weight during chemo and surgical menopause.I work to take it off but my stress level is horrid.

What else do I have to do? what am I missing here? If God wants my husband to be the man, then my husband has to BE THE MAN God wants him to be. I doubt that God is happy with his behavior. Part of me thinks that it ALL me, part does not believe that. I am lost.

I am 44 and feel like I am struggling daily to survive. I accept trials, but when does it end? How much can I pray about this and only see it get worse and worse? I still go to church, a women’s bible study and he goes 4 times a year maybe. So why am I the one suffering so much. I have read "When sinners say I do" and it all goes back to being the good witness/spouse. Is it not a reciprocal relationship with God in the driver’s seat?

Please guide me because I am so lost and hardly able to function.

Hi TarTar. Billy Graham has a Christian Counselling telephone line that you can call between 7 am and midnight (1-877-2GRAHAM). I think you could find alot of answers to your questions there (as I feel pretty inadequate to help). But I really wanted to reply to your message because it deeply touched my heart. Please call them in the morning, they can help guide you. I am offended at your previous pastor's response to just tolerate it. The people at Billy Graham's telephone center are there to help.

With the exception of a few things, i felt as though i was reading about my previous marriage.... I was constantly told to just "stick it out" "If you just do this or do that it will get better" was also told these things from a pastor. It never got better...... only increasingly worse, until i literally begged him to leave me, told him i didnt want anything from him, he could just go no strings attached.. because like you i found it hard to just function under my circumstances. .... Not everyone agreed with my actions, but they didint have to live with what i did...... i had to do what i felt like was the best thing for my sanity and safety.... So i urge you to pray and do what you feel like you have to do.. and if its getting as far away from him as you can........ do it. You cannot possibly get any better under your current circumstances, and if your husband shows no signs of changing, There is nothing you can do but give it to god, but also use common sense....... and put yourself somewhere you cant be treated this way......

Here are a couple of thoughts: Ministers don't always get it right and marriage partners can become progressively more abusive and irresponsible over time. You need to protect yourself and your children first. I'd be happy to talk with you if you're online at the same time I am.

i have prayed for you and i would feel blessed to talk to you online ANYTIME! I am so sorry to hear of the many trials you are going through. the only thing i can think to tell you is to stay in God's word - God knows best. man can be wrong but God and His word is never wrong. again please know that i am here if you want to talk! i care. God Bless!

Tartar I know this is going to sound strange and you may see it as something everyone else has told you. First thing is don't take to much blame for your self, it takes two. Second, start thanking God for everything your husband is now and everything God wants hime to be. Third I wa a messed up husband before and my wife prayed for me all the time. Other people would say how bad of a person I was and how I would never be anything. /Well her prayers were so effective that God fixed me all the way to the pulpit (SMILES). I will pray for you and let you know what I get from God.

Tar - I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I too have a husband that does not attend church and can be very hurtful at times.

Stormie Omartian has a great book out called The Power of a Praying Wife.

I would also like to say quit focusing on all the problems and focus on our problem solver, Jesus. Remember we are to seek first the Kingdom of GOD and all these things shall be added to us. In GOD's own time.

I will add you to my prayer list and promise to take your petitions before the throne of GOD.

It sounds like you are a wonderful woman and mother and GOD sees all.

Blessings, Hope

I will pray for you, i know what you are going through kinda. my husband has threw me out of the bedroom again. He fusses at me a lot.
I to fell like i can't do anything right. But let me tell you God loves you, even if you fill like no one else does. If you are lost, let me encourage you to ask the Lord into your heart, He wants you to go to heaven to be with him when you life is over. It is really easy, just talk to him, tell him your are lost and you want him to save you. He will listen, i promice. If he can save me, He will save you to. I was a drunk. and i used drugs. and did some pretty bad things that i was ashamed of, but Jesus saved me, He loves us so much, he doesn't want us to go to hell. I will pray for your husband also. If you can't go to church all the time go when you can. Get a Bible. and read Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Ask GOD to help you. He will. you children need christisn guidence, if you can't take them to church, maybe some one can. They need you to help them. Remember God loves you, Jesus loves you, the Holy Ghost loves you, And I love you.

May God BLESS YOU

If you need to talk I am always up till about 2 in the morning and would be happy to offer whatever help I can. I have felt the way you feel many times in my life and while circumstances get you down, you know that the Lord never gives you more than he knows you can handle. He has faith in YOU and your ability to get through this. He loves you and the Bible states that he will never leave or forsake you. You have to believe what his word says, otherwise Satan will begin to spin you further and further away from God. I am going to leave my e-mail in case you want to talk. it's [email protected]. Feel free to send an e-mail so we can either IM or chat through e-mails or even - depending on where you are - talk on the phone. If not, hang in there but don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it.

April

Already lots of good advice. Just wanted to say you are in my prayers. Sending a big hug and God bless, pickles

I think a lot of pastors give bad advice like this and dont consider what you are going through. A lot of them advise women to stay in abusive relationships. There is no reason for you to give a man 70 percent of your pay and youre working three jobs and have cancer to boot. I think a lot of these replies are too soft spoken. I think you should do what is best for you and your health right now. You have been through too much for a man that has known you all those years to treat you like that. Cancer for 5 years, working 3 jobs and he takes your money and doesnt give you the love and support you deserve? I think your pastor needs counseling himself! God never said for a woman to be a punching bag. Although it isnt physical abuse, it is still affecting you emotionally and in the end your body isnt going to react favorably. No wonder you are chunky as he says. Hes unattached and abusive. This is abuse. Sure it is. I think christians try to tell women to stay with abusive person as duty to God and marriage. What kind of witness can you be and what kind of work can you do in the Kingdom if you are run down and depressed? I think you should do what you need to do to save your sanity and your health. Let God be the husband until this guy gets right.

You dont advise a woman who is in abusive relationship to pray and everything will be alright. she has cancer and working 3 jobs and menopausal. You dont know her circumstances and should never advise someone in abuse to stay. I think you should tell he something else and pray that God leads you next time you think about giving bad advice like this. Im sorry that your a pastor and dont havethe discernment you need.

i DONT THINK YOU CAN GIVE HER MUCH ADVICE WHEN YOU HAVE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP AND ARE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE ABUSED BY YOUR HUSBAND. i DONT THINK GOD WANTS US TO TOLERATE THIS BEHAVIOR FROM SOMEONE.ARENT YOU MADE OF GOD TOO? WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE TREATED ANY LESS THAT A CHILD OF GOD?

I can't say things are any better. I know that the attacks are so strong right now. The most painful ones come from my children. It hurts so much and at times I truly want to walk away. I appreciate all your prayers and support.

Some of your words hit home....I will keep them close...

i dont live your life i have no advice, just love and prayers. Anytime you wanna talk and im here please do. God Bless you and give you strength during your trials.

I can talk or listen if you need...

Hi i understand what your going thru, ill keep you in my prayers and if you ever need a friend ill be here
your sister in christ