My emotions during daddy's cancer

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ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
4,734
118
63
#1
So far I thought I'd been doing ok during this time. I felt ok, I had sad times but I'd be able to get through them. I was comforting and taking care of my daddy. Maybe I was prideful about how "well I was doing."

During our cancer consultation with Mayo about daddy's possibly getting to take part in a clinical trial, I broke down a little silently. My head hurt after and my eyes hurt from the pressure I'm assuming of the stress I felt. Today I felt suddenly horrible and tired without knowing why, then today I got upset about forgetting to juice for dad.

Then I kinda lost it. Sadly with my OCD/ADD I sometimes have had thoughts of hurting myself or others, or them getting hurt and me never seeing them again. I can usually kick them out of my head easily, but today I couldn't handle it. I fled to my dad and told what was happening, and we talked it out as well as I took some of my meds.

I feel better now but have been crying on and off. I'm thinking I need to perhaps go to a psychiatrist every week or two weeks and to deal with things I don't realize have been piling up.
 

levi85

Senior Member
Jul 2, 2013
6,023
247
63
#2
Lord please hear this prayer and answer Artsiesteph, yes Lord please bless her. In Jesus loving name, Amen!
 

Blain

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2012
14,547
396
83
#3
So far I thought I'd been doing ok during this time. I felt ok, I had sad times but I'd be able to get through them. I was comforting and taking care of my daddy. Maybe I was prideful about how "well I was doing."

During our cancer consultation with Mayo about daddy's possibly getting to take part in a clinical trial, I broke down a little silently. My head hurt after and my eyes hurt from the pressure I'm assuming of the stress I felt. Today I felt suddenly horrible and tired without knowing why, then today I got upset about forgetting to juice for dad.

Then I kinda lost it. Sadly with my OCD/ADD I sometimes have had thoughts of hurting myself or others, or them getting hurt and me never seeing them again. I can usually kick them out of my head easily, but today I couldn't handle it. I fled to my dad and told what was happening, and we talked it out as well as I took some of my meds.

I feel better now but have been crying on and off. I'm thinking I need to perhaps go to a psychiatrist every week or two weeks and to deal with things I don't realize have been piling up.
Well it's no wonder babe, I mean stress can mess you up pretty bad and pent up feelings and emotions will keep on boiling until one day they just burst and trust me I know from personal experience. You know how Shane annoys me right? Well I am not an angry person and am always nice to him and respond as calm and kindly which ironically he sees as weakness and so treats me worse but without even knowing it I am building up all my anger and irritation with him until one day out of the blue and unexpectantly the stress and anger just boiled over and I had this rage that terrified me I actually had to leave the house for a couple of days because I simply cannot trust myself with anger like that.

You would think I would be the last person on earth to do this but I actually had such joy dwelling in me imagining all the ways I would beat the snot out of him so trust me babe I know what your feeling but I doubt you went as deep into that as I did lol. My advice is to drink some tea when you can, tea has a natural calming effect and also you need to maybe write a diary to God about all of this you would be amazed how much of a huge difference it can have to write down your thoughts and feelings
 

stonesoffire

Senior Member
Nov 24, 2013
7,848
180
63
#4
You need a little me time, I think. It's very hard to deal with an ill parent and you seem to be bearing the brunt of his home care by yourself.

Maybe a movie or going out for a burger a few times a week with friends might help.

I dont think you need to see a physchiatrist. You are just a young person having to deal with some heavy stuff, when it should be your own life. It will come Steph. There is always an end to everything.

Pour your heart out here with someone who you trust.
 

LookingtoZion

Junior Member
May 15, 2017
24
0
0
#5
ArtsieSteph, I agree that you don't need a psychiatrist. Being a caregiver is tough. If it's hard for you to get out because of your responsibilities with your Dad, take advantage of free help on the internet. I use List.ly a lot. It has lists of resources for everything. I found some articles that might be a big help and encouragement.
Caregivers Need to Care for Themselves as Well | Focus on the Family
 

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
4,734
118
63
#6
Thank you all for those. Sadly, and ironically, I know for a fact that part of my current frazzled state was also due to being a girl. Basically PMSing. Not to say that that caused my issues, but with my mental state the hormones will often amplify the issues I already have. And I can tell today too since i'm bouncing up and down like a rubber chew toy that it has to do with that as well.

It helps me to have something to point to as for a reason for things affecting me more than ususal. But I'm still annoyed. And I still need to make sure I find another shrink to go to more frequently as things progress over time
 

Blain

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2012
14,547
396
83
#7
Thank you all for those. Sadly, and ironically, I know for a fact that part of my current frazzled state was also due to being a girl. Basically PMSing. Not to say that that caused my issues, but with my mental state the hormones will often amplify the issues I already have. And I can tell today too since i'm bouncing up and down like a rubber chew toy that it has to do with that as well.

It helps me to have something to point to as for a reason for things affecting me more than ususal. But I'm still annoyed. And I still need to make sure I find another shrink to go to more frequently as things progress over time
I lived with a family of girls for a good portion of my life so I can understand that babe but even so listen to this song:D This song helps me when I am stressed out [video=youtube;wRJZQFRyZ6s]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRJZQFRyZ6s[/video]
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,027
1,842
113
#8
Steph, does daddy have Home Health nurses come in to help you all out? If not, he should. You and your mom shouldn't have to do it all..
 

ToGoFruit

Junior Member
Oct 5, 2017
11
1
0
#9
So far I thought I'd been doing ok during this time. I felt ok, I had sad times but I'd be able to get through them. I was comforting and taking care of my daddy. Maybe I was prideful about how "well I was doing."

During our cancer consultation with Mayo about daddy's possibly getting to take part in a clinical trial, I broke down a little silently. My head hurt after and my eyes hurt from the pressure I'm assuming of the stress I felt. Today I felt suddenly horrible and tired without knowing why, then today I got upset about forgetting to juice for dad.

Then I kinda lost it. Sadly with my OCD/ADD I sometimes have had thoughts of hurting myself or others, or them getting hurt and me never seeing them again. I can usually kick them out of my head easily, but today I couldn't handle it. I fled to my dad and told what was happening, and we talked it out as well as I took some of my meds.

I feel better now but have been crying on and off. I'm thinking I need to perhaps go to a psychiatrist every week or two weeks and to deal with things I don't realize have been piling up.
When a loved one is sick, it's such a difficult time emotionally, physically, mentally...you're going through so much right now, but yet, you still have such a loving spirit! Although, I don't doubt for a second your dad loves having you around, I think it's also imperative you're taking care of yourself as well. You've expressed a need to process things that are piling up within your own life--do you have a close friend or family member that you could talk with, or is counseling the strongest option at this stage? I think it's great that you're taking the steps to reach out and verbalize your thoughts/struggles...you're definitely on the right track! I'm praying those paralyzing thoughts release their hold on you and that you're able to find a safe support system. If you're not sure where to look, try Counseling Services and Referrals | Focus on the Family ...they have free consulting and can most likely get you in touch with a local professional :) Keep hanging in there!
 

Miri

Senior Member
Jul 22, 2012
7,991
829
113
UK age 50
#11
Hi Steph, often when in the thick of things, there is so much to do, that there
is no time to sit and think and take in - think through exactly what is happening
and come to terms with it. Busyness and doing things take over everything.

But it does eventually build up and emotions do come flooding out,
often at the most unexpected times.

The good news is that you are absolutely normal, there is nothing wrong with that,
crying is a good stress reliever. You just haven’t had the time to deal with all
that is happening properly before. There will be many more unexpected emotional
moments, don’t be afraid or ashamed of them, it’s a natural process you are going
through.

Father God I just pray for Steph and her family, that you would take them all under
your wing and give them strength and courage to deal with this situation.
Lord I prayer you will provide times of peace and time out for them all and provide them
all with your wisdom and patience.

May they feel your love Lord
 

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
4,734
118
63
#12
Thank you so much. It's hard for someone who is so emotional and yet emotionally weak to go through this. Obviously it's hard for anyone but yeah...
 

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
4,734
118
63
#13
Daddy has been having crazy crazy hard faith battles like I did when I had my emotional struggles initially. He says he's ok and then the next day same thing. I had to have medication for mine and I just cannot even handle it. I feel like I can't breathe right now out of fear of Daddy's mental state.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,027
1,842
113
#14
Fear is not from God, Steph.. Show him my cancer testimony. It'll do him good to look at cancer from a fellow survivor's viewpoint.. :)
 

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
4,734
118
63
#15
Did you deal with the same things Blue? Daddy's said he never really questioned anything of God so it's like years ofpent up whatifs strewn all over his head.

Crap I gotta take me mask off I can't breathe well right now I'm so panicked. But you're right, fear is not from God. Just gotta love.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,027
1,842
113
#16
Cancer is scary. I'll admit that finding out I had cancer, scared the you know what out of me.. I wondered "why me".. Why wasn't it my sister who smokes like a chimney for the last 30 decades. Why was it ME, who has NEVER smoked. Why did God give ME cancer, when I already had/have so many other health problems to deal with. I was angry and scared. My surgery was scheduled for 2 weeks after I found out. In that time, I wondered if the doctors could get it all, or if they'd find more than they bargained for when they opened me up.

It didn't help that at the time I found out I had cancer, I was also dealing with severe depression. I mean, SERIOUS depression. I literally could envision myself hanging from a rafter on my back porch, that's how bad and evil the depression was. I got a phone call from my gynecologist, telling me I had cancer. There was no "can you please come to the office to discuss the results of your D&C". All the doctor said over the phone was, "We found cancer cells, and you need to have a hysterectomy ASAP".. You can read my cancer testimony for the rest of my story..

The day I got the phone call, I was waiting for my mom to take me grocery shopping. She arrived as soon as I hung up the phone. I tried to keep it together, tried to figure out HOW to tell my parents, sisters and brother that I had cancer. Mom asked me how I was, and I started bawling and told her, and she was in shock. My dad was meeting us at the grocery store, so I told Mom not to say anything to daddy, that I wanted to tell him myself. After I got done shopping, daddy brought me home, and helped me bring in my groceries. Then I told him I had to tell him something, and I started bawling again. I told him that the doctor said I had cancer.

We were standing in front of my refrigerator, which has a picture of Jesus on it, that the Mormons gave me several years ago. Daddy pointed to that picture, and said "do you believe in that Man?". Naturally I said yes.. Then daddy said "then trust Him to get you through this".. :)

And I did, even though I was still angry and still scared and still wondering "why me".. And look where I am today. :) I'm alive, I'm (somewhat) healthy, I'm grateful that God gave me cancer, because the best part of all is NO MORE HARD PERIODS.. lol.. I've been through many trials since then, as you know. But they seem to get easier to bear each time.

So yes, please have your dad read my cancer testimony. I guarantee he will be blessed big time for it. :)


Did you deal with the same things Blue? Daddy's said he never really questioned anything of God so it's like years ofpent up whatifs strewn all over his head.

Crap I gotta take me mask off I can't breathe well right now I'm so panicked. But you're right, fear is not from God. Just gotta love.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,027
1,842
113
#17
I wondered all the same things.. How it would affect my family. What would happen to Tequila if I was gone. Was I being punished for having bitterness towards my mom all my life? Was God so sadistic that He would give me way too much to handle? Would I have to do chemo or rads? Would I lose my hair? How could a God who supposedly died for me, give me a deadly disease that I wouldn't have ever found out about if I hadn't had a pap smear done? If I was so beloved by God, why did He do this to ME, What did I do to deserve this?

all those emotions and more ran through my mind. I cursed God, I snidely and sarcastically said "thanks God for giving ME cancer instead of Robin". My decades-long chain smoking sister..

God doesn't fault us for being scared, Steph. But He'd rather see us take that fear, and turn it around and view it as positively as possible..

Now let's name some positives in daddy's situation.

1. God is the pilot of the plane that your dad is on. Things are all under His control.

2. Daddy has some good days, with good energy and can do stuff.

3. He's on chemo, which so far has worked, if I recall correctly.

4. He's trying to keep a good attitude, which is essential in getting through this trial.

5. He has you and your mom to help him.

6. He has doctors who know what they're doing. Mayo is an EXCELLENT hospital.

7. He is a beloved child of God, who can and will conquer this disease.

:)
 
Jan 25, 2017
34
1
8
#18
Hi- I’m sorry.
My father was diagnosed with end-stage renal disease. It was painful for the whole family. I was her caregiver. When member of the family is sick it made us so hard to function. I was so affected emotionally, physically and financially. I lost 10 pounds while taking care of him. I learned from this article that if caregivers try to do everything, you risk neglecting your own health. It is also important for caregivers to have a support. The happier and healthier you are, the better your loved one will be served.
I hope you will find support from those people around you. Give all your concerns to God because He cares for you. I pray for comfort and strength for the whole family as you all go through this.
 

kittycat7

Senior Member
Dec 17, 2011
1,266
31
48
#19
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.