Super confused

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Apr 14, 2018
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#1
Please pray for clarity in my situation.

So it began 5 years ago. I was dating a missionary's son, and his family is overseas. Flashforward about a year, his family asks him to marry a girl in the area they are serving in. He didn't decline. I was bitter and hurt, but knew I had to get over it.

For the past four years, we have been struggling. He hasn't been faithful, and I have been having a hard time being accountable with him (his wife is still overseas, which doesn't help). We've tried cutting our contract cold turkey, and even blocked each other in social media. However situations always arise where we find ourselves together, and even though our contact remains chaste, our emotions and conversations are not.

Last year, I prayed that if God intends for us to be together, He should give us a clear sign. If not, then we have to let go. I asked God that if He wants us to keep praying for each other, then the orchid plant my ex gifted me will bloom 3 flowers before the end of the year. Up until then, that orchid has not bloomed for three and a half years, despite the fact that I've been faithfully tending to it. Within a couple weeks of my prayer, the orchid plant began budding, and you guessed it: I ended up with 3 blooms.

Despite this sign giving us confirmation of our future, we're left even more confused. How do we even pray for each other at this point? Isn't praying for "us" praying for divorce or his wife's death? How can this situation even work? How can God not intervene in their marriage before it came to this if He intended for us to be together?
 
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blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
64,246
2,760
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#2
Let me get this straight: He got married, you "got over it" by being his side dish for the last 4 years, and NOW you want to know what to do?

Don't ask for silly signs, such as the orchid plant to get 3 blooms. God isn't a genie in a bottle who grants you 3 wishes. :/

What you BOTH need to pray for is the restoration of his marriage, and for YOU to finally accept that he isn't yours, never was and never will be. All you are is the other woman, his side dish. If he's cheating on her with YOU, then who is he cheating on YOU with? God isn't anywhere in this situation, because you BOTH are cheating. This relationship cannot work, and it will not work. God helps those who man up and take responsibility for what they do, and who come to HIM for help. He doesn't help those who continue in their sin.

The cold hard truth is, you are both adulterers and you need to end this sham of a relationship NOW. He needs to stay in his own yard, and you need to stay in yours. There is NOTHING "chaste" in any of this.

You should get tested for STD's, because I guarantee if he's cheating on wifey with you, then he's cheating on you with someone else.
 
Mar 8, 2018
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#3
You have no future with a married man. Remember, he took an oath before God to cherish, love and be faithful to another women. Mr 10:9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder." (RSV)

Mt 16:4 A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given unto it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas. And he left them, and departed. Do you really think God would contradict Himself and give you a sign.

I beg you, turn form this temptation and sin and do what is correct in the eyes of God.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
5,734
548
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Germany
#4
Wait... he cheated with u aand now u want God to fix u two...thats nonsense. He has to choose. Y'all cant be dancing on two weddings and expect God to bless it
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
64,246
2,760
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#5
Yeah, God doesn't bless adulterous relationships.. You have no future with this guy. Hopefully his wife finds out what a louse she married.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,980
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#6
For starters this guy that you're interested in is married and it's not your responsibility to be accountable for his infidelity to his wife. Just thank God that you didn't end up with this despicable man. The clear sign from your prayer to God is for you to cut all ties to this guy. It's nice that your orchid has 3 blooms but take it as a sign from God for you to take a better path than this guy. In the future I would stay clear of pastor's sons and choir boys. From what I have observed through the years most don't make the best husbands as they are biblically and sexually naïve in matters of relationships, especially marriage. Let me provide you with clarity, forget about this loser, stop praying for the destruction of his marriage. The situation that you are praying for is not going to work as it would harm everyone involved. God may indeed intervene in his marriage but if it does it will be for the benefit of his poor wife who made a bad choice for a husband. Glad to have you onboard with us. Welcome to CC.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#7
Yeah, God doesn't bless adulterous relationships.. You have no future with this guy. Hopefully his wife finds out what a louse she married.
I agree. His wife is the one that is in need of prayer.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,980
2,465
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#8
Wait... he cheated with u aand now u want God to fix u two...thats nonsense. He has to choose. Y'all cant be dancing on two weddings and expect God to bless it
How right you are. The OP is in a confusing mess.
 
Apr 14, 2018
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#11
Let me get this straight: He got married, you "got over it" by being his side dish for the last 4 years, and NOW you want to know what to do?

Don't ask for silly signs, such as the orchid plant to get 3 blooms. God isn't a genie in a bottle who grants you 3 wishes. :/

What you BOTH need to pray for is the restoration of his marriage, and for YOU to finally accept that he isn't yours, never was and never will be. All you are is the other woman, his side dish. If he's cheating on her with YOU, then who is he cheating on YOU with? God isn't anywhere in this situation, because you BOTH are cheating. This relationship cannot work, and it will not work. God helps those who man up and take responsibility for what they do, and who come to HIM for help. He doesn't help those who continue in their sin.

The cold hard truth is, you are both adulterers and you need to end this sham of a relationship NOW. He needs to stay in his own yard, and you need to stay in yours. There is NOTHING "chaste" in any of this.

You should get tested for STD's, because I guarantee if he's cheating on wifey with you, then he's cheating on you with someone else.
We have never had sex in our relationship, so I will not need to check for STDs. If you read my post, I said we've remained chaste in interacting with each other. Our cheating is much more emotional than physical, and we've had discussions about how we feel and we've both been praying for God to keep him faithful in his marriage.

Furthermore, he's met his wife exactly twice in the last 5 years. They have not evenconsummated the marriage. I'm not making excuses for our feelings, because Christianity is faith based, not emotionally based. But before saying such harsh things, please be informed of facts. I've posted here not to have stones be cast at me, but for genuine care from fellow brothers and sisters.

As for asking God for signs, it isnt saying He is a genie in a bottle. I'm not asking God to show a sign of His existence, because I know He exists. I'm not asking Him to bless this relationship, because we've both been praying for years for God to cleanse our hearts and keep us away from each other. We've blocked each other on social media, and still we end up meeting in unlikely situations once or twice a year. For example, we work in completely different fields, and two years ago, we both ended up on a business trip in Seattle, and we're booked in the same hotel, in rooms across from each other. Don't say we haven't been trying andthat I've been his side chick, because that is NOT the situation.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,980
2,465
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#12
We have never had sex in our relationship, so I will not need to check for STDs. If you read my post, I said we've remained chaste in interacting with each other. Our cheating is much more emotional than physical, and we've had discussions about how we feel and we've both been praying for God to keep him faithful in his marriage.

Furthermore, he's met his wife exactly twice in the last 5 years. They have not even consummated the marriage. I'm not making excuses for our feelings, because Christianity is faith based, not emotionally based. But before saying such harsh things, please be informed of facts. I've posted here not to have stones be cast at me, but for genuine care from fellow brothers and sisters.

As for asking God for signs, it isnt saying He is a genie in a bottle. I'm not asking God to show a sign of His existence, because I know He exists. I'm not asking Him to bless this relationship, because we've both been praying for years for God to cleanse our hearts and keep us away from each other. We've blocked each other on social media, and still we end up meeting in unlikely situations once or twice a year. For example, we work in completely different fields, and two years ago, we both ended up on a business trip in Seattle, and we're booked in the same hotel, in rooms across from each other. Don't say we haven't been trying andthat I've been his side chick, because that is NOT the situation.
If you feel like God has brought the two of you together then why is it that he married someone else? He hasn't consummated his marriage yet? Why did he marry her in the first place just to neglect her? He is very confused too. I really feel bad about his wife. She certainly deserves better.
 
Apr 14, 2018
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#13
If you feel like God has brought the two of you together then why is it that he married someone else? He hasn't consummated his marriage yet? Why did he marry her in the first place just to neglect her? He is very confused too. I really feel bad about his wife. She certainly deserves better.
His parents forced him to marry her. And yeah, that's really I guess the root of the problem. It's been a struggle, and that's why I'm asking you all to pray for us. All three of us. She definitely deserves better, and I dont know what struggles she is facing. It cant be easy married to a man thousands of miles away that you've met once before the wedding, and never again. I can only speak for myself and my ex that we're confused and trying, scared and unsure .
 
Apr 14, 2018
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#14
Yeah, God doesn't bless adulterous relationships.. You have no future with this guy. Hopefully his wife finds out what a louse she married.
It's definitely a lousy situation. But please read my other reply, I hope that clears things yo for you a bit about the situation. I don't think it's what you originally thought.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
64,246
2,760
113
#15
How can your relationship be chaste, when you said that your feelings and conversations aren't even chaste? So what if his marriage hasn't been consummated? He shouldn't even be discussing such intimate things with you. Whether the cheating is physical or emotional, doesn't matter to God. From what you've written, you both are attracted to each other. And that spells TROUBLE. If he were truly committed to his wife, he'd leave the area where you are, and go join his wife.

You asked God for a sign that He wants you to be with this guy. Your orchid bloomed after while. Big deal, that's what orchids do, they bloom went they want to because they're a temperamental plant.

You've prayed "for years" over this? Well, God wouldn't wait years to resolve an adulterous situation like this. This guy needs to come clean to God, AND his wife, and beg forgiveness of both of them.

Plain and simple, GOD never intended for the two of you to be together. YOU and this guy decided that you wanted to be together, despite him being married, and you getting involved with him despite knowing that fact. So I'm sorry, but yes, you are very much the side chick.
 

Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,044
108
63
#16
Please pray for clarity in my situation.

So it began 5 years ago. I was dating a missionary's son, and his family is overseas. Flashforward about a year, his family asks him to marry a girl in the area they are serving in. He didn't decline. I was bitter and hurt, but knew I had to get over it.

For the past four years, we have been struggling. He hasn't been faithful, and I have been having a hard time being accountable with him (his wife is still overseas, which doesn't help). We've tried cutting our contract cold turkey, and even blocked each other in social media. However situations always arise where we find ourselves together, and even though our contact remains chaste, our emotions and conversations are not.

Last year, I prayed that if God intends for us to be together, He should give us a clear sign. If not, then we have to let go. I asked God that if He wants us to keep praying for each other, then the orchid plant my ex gifted me will bloom 3 flowers before the end of the year. Up until then, that orchid has not bloomed for three and a half years, despite the fact that I've been faithfully tending to it. Within a couple weeks of my prayer, the orchid plant began budding, and you guessed it: I ended up with 3 blooms.

Despite this sign giving us confirmation of our future, we're left even more confused. How do we even pray for each other at this point? Isn't praying for "us" praying for divorce or his wife's death? How can this situation even work? How can God not intervene in their marriage before it came to this if He intended for us to be together?
What I'm reading in your post is that you two are emotionally and verbally committing adultry...it's still adultry. You need to get out of this situation before you find yourself in a sexual relationship. Bringing a child into this situation would be another problem. If you continue there may be serious consequences for your sin you'll find yourself reaping and you'll wish then that you would have not made these mistakes.
Sin is an expensive lesson in our lives.
What you're doing is hurting others. Not just his wife...but their families, friends...they just don't know it yet.
Why do you want to be the other woman anyway? He's the one getting off on having two women in his life. You're just going to get hurt because he obviously isn't going to leave her because he wants to please his parents. He obviously didn't have the gonads to tell them he had feelings for someone else.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
64,246
2,760
113
#17
How can a grown man be forced by his parents to marry someone? Lovey, he isn't your ex. He isn't YOUR anything. He's a married man who enjoys playing around and toying with women's emotions. This certainly is quite the mess you've gotten yourself into. :(

His parents forced him to marry her. And yeah, that's really I guess the root of the problem. It's been a struggle, and that's why I'm asking you all to pray for us. All three of us. She definitely deserves better, and I dont know what struggles she is facing. It cant be easy married to a man thousands of miles away that you've met once before the wedding, and never again. I can only speak for myself and my ex that we're confused and trying, scared and unsure .
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
64,246
2,760
113
#18
Sounds like he's American, and his wife is a foreignor? If so, you better hope her parents don't find out. You'll both end up dead or physically injured. That's what they do in some cultures.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,980
2,465
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Florida
#19
His parents forced him to marry her. And yeah, that's really I guess the root of the problem. It's been a struggle, and that's why I'm asking you all to pray for us. All three of us. She definitely deserves better, and I dont know what struggles she is facing. It cant be easy married to a man thousands of miles away that you've met once before the wedding, and never again. I can only speak for myself and my ex that we're confused and trying, scared and unsure .
Seeing how he has not consummated the marriage and never sees her then he should seek an annulment. How could a grown man allow his parents to chose his wife? Maybe he should stay clear of them as well as it appears that he's easily influenced. Something very wrong is happening here. Regardless, this guy is bad news and not good husband material even if he were freed from the sham of the marriage that he's in.
 
Apr 14, 2018
40
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#20
How can your relationship be chaste, when you said that your feelings and conversations aren't even chaste? So what if his marriage hasn't been consummated? He shouldn't even be discussing such intimate things with you. Whether the cheating is physical or emotional, doesn't matter to God. From what you've written, you both are attracted to each other. And that spells TROUBLE. If he were truly committed to his wife, he'd leave the area where you are, and go join his wife.

You asked God for a sign that He wants you to be with this guy. Your orchid bloomed after while. Big deal, that's what orchids do, they bloom went they want to because they're a temperamental plant.

You've prayed "for years" over this? Well, God wouldn't wait years to resolve an adulterous situation like this. This guy needs to come clean to God, AND his wife, and beg forgiveness of both of them.

Plain and simple, GOD never intended for the two of you to be together. YOU and this guy decided that you wanted to be together, despite him being married, and you getting involved with him despite knowing that fact. So I'm sorry, but yes, you are very much the side chick.
We live in different states. I moved afterwards to Florida, and he's in Chicago. He's lived his whole life here in the states, why would he up his life and move to Austrailia, when he's sending money to his wife from here? I CHOSE TO LEAVE MY HOME OF OVER 23 YEARS TO AVOID HIM. Our feelings are not right when he is married. I agree. In the five times we've seen each other since his marriage, we've gotten coffee, and our conversation eventually leads to talking about prayers. And every dang time, we end up talking about not having feelings for each other anymore. Its sinful that he has feelings for me, and we both acknowledge it. That is what is not chaste about our discussion. Our feelings that exist cannot be chaste because they should not exist. Having mutual feelings is definitely terrible when he is married. However, that does not make me a side chick. Being honest and having honest conversation about whe we need to pray for each other is not making me a side chick.

Okay, so let's take out the orchid. Let's say that the orchid blooming for the first time in years after the prayer isn't a sign from God, and we're supposed to part ways. Then instead of condemning us, actually provide constructive advice and prayer like a brother or sister instead of insults.