- Feb 22, 2018
I was born in a horrible place, surrounded by horrible people, who often did the most horrific things. Because of this environment, I was very angry; because of that anger, I survived. I had to fight a whole school bus full of white kids once, and not only did I get kicked off the bus for defending myself, but I got expelled from the fourth grade as well. Earlier that day,a blonde, blue-eyed six grader had threatened to kill me with a baseball bat. "Do it," I said quietly. He had no idea why I wasn't afraid. He didn't understand that his evil was tiny and pitiful compared to what I'd already seen. That boy had never had to live in a world where every woman and girl he knew had been, or would be raped and or beaten, some multiple times. He never had to fight for his life against grown men for no reason. He'd never had to realize that every man he knew was likely to try and beat him, rape him, or kill him because they'd all been in prison. He never had to learn that life was only less miserable if he was crazier and or tougher than everyone else around him. He didn't know that the world belonged to him and his people, and that we would only get some if we were crazy enough to take it by force. But he would learn. Yes, I was so very angry for so many years. I remember, 12 years old and 150 pounds, watching 6 foot, 200 pound man hitting my 5 foot, 100 pound cousin while their two children screamed and cried. My eyes turned red, and I blacked out. When I came to, I had him by the throat, and was punching his mangled face with my bloody right fist. "Please don't hit me any more," he begged through his sons. As I stood up, I saw that he'd pissed himself. "If you EVER touch this woman again, I'll kill you! Understand!!" "Yes," he cried, "just don't hurt me any more.". From then on, people feared me, except for some of the crazier ones, but they came around. I remember shaking my fist at the sky, thinking, I'm so angry I could kill the whole world. All the murder, beatings, rape, child molestation, and every other evil thing I'd seen so much from the time I was a little child kept making me angrier and angrier-until one day I realized I was sick unto death. At that moment, I reached my hands up to the sky, because I thought that was where God was, and when I cried out to him, He answered!!! I felt an immediate peace, and all that anger was gone, poof! I realized I needed something to replace it, so I ran down the street to Evaleen's house and knocked on her door. That tiny woman's eyes were.so piercing, and I was so confused! " You go to church, right?" I stuttered. Her eyes lit up, as she realized something had happened. "Yes! I'm going at 6 tonight. I'll pick you up.". "OK," I mumbled, as I went back to my drug dealer boss's house. I still get angry today, but it's nothing like it once was, and God's Holy Spirit convicts me whenever I try to hold on to it. He brings me to tears now-instead of violence. He gave me a new heart that can't even say cross words without feeling pain for those who hear them. I can cry for the hurts of others today, and for the joy of being filled with His Spirit today. Reading His Word fills me with joy. Praying for others fills me with joy. Witnessing to the lost fills me with joy. Even when I can't feel that joy, I know by faith that I have it, and when I remember that truth it returns to me again and again, a joy that passes understanding, a joy unspeakable and full of glory! Glory be to God our Father, in the name of His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, amen!