im finally over it. I am through.
I'm mid 40s, woman, and since 12 I carried the shame. Even before then.
I knew it was wrong. I coudnt help it. I thought I knew better. I KNEW I knew better. Arrogant and un yeilding. Proud and stubborn. I wanted to be what I thought was me.
Whatever it was, I could think my way out of it. Surely it's natural, right? University educated a few times over. I can tell right from wrong - right? I'm happy. so I thought. A "good person" - never commited a crime in society in my life. Never even thought about it.
My family knew i was sick. They said so. Faith. God told them. The congregation, the people - the BIBLE showed them.
My family came back. They're scared for me. Leveticus, Ezekieal, Corinthians. the list goes on . God is not to be Mocked. The Bible is not to be Ignored.
The intervention was long. It hurt.
Whatever it was in me had more than three decades hold of my being and my soul. It was angry, resistant.
Months stretched into years. Therapy therapy therapy. It screamed , it ranted, it wept. but they kept on. They knew it was Evil. Not Gods Wishes.
.
.
Now it is over. I'm clean. I am now.. what God meant me to be. What God knew I would be. I'm not a shadow of my former self... my former self stole what was me, and brutalised it into something else.
Now i am safely in the palm of god. I am saved from whatever it was that had a hold on me. Safe in the palm of this loving God. I wont become an object of his wrath. Loving or otherwise.
I still hear it weeping.. angry sometimes. Trying to reason against me now, with that relentless university education. I now know I have to turn my back on 30 years "education" if I am to survive without becoming that caricature of God's design. I must un-think, what I was. Get back to basics.
Some nights are worse than others, but i know I am now what I should be. What I was, was never God's intention. I was a mistake, something God wanted - NEEDED changed.
It's crying now. I can hear it. I suppress it so I'm not a lesbian any more. I'm happy. My family tell me so, so it must be true.
I'm mid 40s, woman, and since 12 I carried the shame. Even before then.
I knew it was wrong. I coudnt help it. I thought I knew better. I KNEW I knew better. Arrogant and un yeilding. Proud and stubborn. I wanted to be what I thought was me.
Whatever it was, I could think my way out of it. Surely it's natural, right? University educated a few times over. I can tell right from wrong - right? I'm happy. so I thought. A "good person" - never commited a crime in society in my life. Never even thought about it.
My family knew i was sick. They said so. Faith. God told them. The congregation, the people - the BIBLE showed them.
My family came back. They're scared for me. Leveticus, Ezekieal, Corinthians. the list goes on . God is not to be Mocked. The Bible is not to be Ignored.
The intervention was long. It hurt.
Whatever it was in me had more than three decades hold of my being and my soul. It was angry, resistant.
Months stretched into years. Therapy therapy therapy. It screamed , it ranted, it wept. but they kept on. They knew it was Evil. Not Gods Wishes.
.
.
Now it is over. I'm clean. I am now.. what God meant me to be. What God knew I would be. I'm not a shadow of my former self... my former self stole what was me, and brutalised it into something else.
Now i am safely in the palm of god. I am saved from whatever it was that had a hold on me. Safe in the palm of this loving God. I wont become an object of his wrath. Loving or otherwise.
I still hear it weeping.. angry sometimes. Trying to reason against me now, with that relentless university education. I now know I have to turn my back on 30 years "education" if I am to survive without becoming that caricature of God's design. I must un-think, what I was. Get back to basics.
Some nights are worse than others, but i know I am now what I should be. What I was, was never God's intention. I was a mistake, something God wanted - NEEDED changed.
It's crying now. I can hear it. I suppress it so I'm not a lesbian any more. I'm happy. My family tell me so, so it must be true.
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