L
I'm sure that there aren't a lot of posts on here by Catholics, and I'm sure that a lot of people will flame me or tell me that I'm wrong or whatever. I hope you'll hold off on that kind of thing and just read my story with an open heart and mind. I'm not here to start any fights or anything, and I don't want this thread to turn into a huge argument. This forum is for testimony, and that is what I'm doing here.
I was born 22 April, 1988 in Virginia. My mother was brought up Catholic, and my father was raised in the Assemblies of God, although was not actively practicing by the time I was born, as far as I know. My mother waited to have me baptized in the Catholic Church until August of that year, as she was unsure how my father would react--interesting, since the Assemblies of God practice infant baptism. On 6 August, 1988, the Feast of the Transfiguration, I was baptized.
I was given the typical introduction to my faith over the next several years, attending Mass with my parents and going to Sunday School classes. As I got older, though, I sort of became discontent with things at my parish. I was not really getting enough--the Sunday School classes were fairly representative of most such things in the Church in America today, and so I learned very little about my faith. I became somewhat indifferent to my faith, practicing it mainly on Sundays and then the rest of the week just doing the other things I did, treating it more or less as one activity among many.
In the 9th grade things changed. My World History teacher then was somewhat anti-Catholic, not maliciously so, but that was all he'd ever been taught. He sprinkled in little jabs at the Church in his lectures, especially on the Renaissance and the Reformation. I knew that what he was saying was not a faithful representation of what the Catholic Church teaches, but I didn't know what was. I'd never been taught my faith well enough to know how to defend it.
I was at my grandparents' house one afternoon after Sunday Mass and was poring over my Grandpa's bookshelf. I'd always loved to read, since my mother is a librarian. I found a book by Karl Keating called Catholicism and Fundamentalism, and I read it cover to cover in a couple of days. I found myself rather amused by what the book said, as it not only deconstructed the arguments my teacher was making--many of his arguments were contained nearly verbatim in the book. Armed with this new knowledge and a fervor for defending my faith, I challenged my teacher on a point of doctrine. Having successfully defended it (although in hindsight my approach was wrong-headed, since it's not really proper to start the argument, but to answer questions or objections as they come), I set out to learn as much as I could. I began reading the Bible, starting with the Gospels, as well as other books about apologetics and theology.
This newfound interest in my faith would come to dictate my academic interests as well. When I started high school (which at the time began in 8th grade), I wanted to be an electrical engineer. I quickly realized that engineering involved a lot of math and other sorts of work that would bore or overwhelm me. About 9th grade, I discovered politics. I decided then that I'd go to Law School, become a lawyer, and run for office. As I came to discover my faith more and more deeply, I realized that politics would likely not prove profitable to me. The dilemma was that I could either sell out on my faith convictions and be a good politician, or I could hold to my faith and never get elected to office. In our country, it is very difficult to be a good Catholic while at the same time being a good politician. I did not want to have to make that choice, and so I decided to just practice Law. Junior year, however, I became less enthusiastic about that. I interned with a local lawyer with whom I had worked in Scouting. I enjoyed my time working in his office, and I learned a lot. But I also realized that the practice of law in our small town environment would quickly lose its luster for me. I also did not want to go to the big city to practice law, as I was somewhat turned off by the busy city life.
By the time senior year rolled around, I was not entirely sure what I wanted to do with my life, although I was still sort of thinking law and even politics. I visited three in-state colleges, and none of them seemed to appeal to me. One did nothing that jumped off the page, one was very nice but very hard to get by in, and one was nearly 7 hours from home. I didn't apply to any of them, although I did have applications from two of them on the table. Then, I got an email from Belmont Abbey. It was small, close to home, Catholic, and I could apply online for free. Having gone to a small high school and being very close to my family throughout, the Abbey appealed to me. Plus, it being Catholic meant that I could finally have a place to really explore my faith. I applied, got in, and received a full academic scholarship. I decided then that I would major in Theology, and that afterward I would go teach.
At the time I was visiting colleges and all, I was also dating. This was another major factor in where I am currently headed. We met over the summer before my senior year, and then began talking. We got rather close, and by the end of the year we were dating. We dated throughout the latter half of my senior year and over the summer. I loved my girl dearly and had even planned out how I was going to propose to her--I said to myself that all we had to do was make it through three years of me being in college, and then I'd propose at graduation (I was slated at the time to graduate early).
We didn't make it three days into my college career before she broke up with me.
Interesting how things like this come about. I was in a new place, a very Catholic environment--something with which I was not very familiar. My girl and I vowed to work on things, and we did for a few months. I think this was quite important, as my loyalty to her kept me from thinking about other girls--as tempting as it was at times, as many times as I wanted to call my girl and call it quits so I could date someone else, I never backed down. I knew that if we worked hard at it, we'd get things put back together and all would be well again.
Something interesting happened in the time we were apart, though. Some friends and I went to the Diocese of Charlotte's Eucharistic Congress, which is put on every fall in the city of Charlotte. The Eucharist to us Catholics, of course, is the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ under the visible accidents of bread and wine, which we receive at Mass after the priest has consecrated it. The Eucharistic Congress is an opportunity for the Catholics of western North Carolina to get together every year and worship Our Lord in the Eucharist. One way in which we do this is a procession through the city streets, wherein the Bishop carries the Blessed Sacrament in a monstrance out into the streets. As he processes, he is accompanied by the priests and deacons of the diocese, as well as thousands of pilgrims from all over the state. I was in the procession vested as an altar server.
The sky that day was overcast--one of my friends said it made her think of the day of the Passion. As we walked, I noticed something very powerful happening. The whole city seemed to be kneeling down. Sure, all those along the streets where the procession was taking place were kneeling, but the whole city was quiet. Construction seemed to halt, traffic seemed to die away. All was nearly silent in the city, and indeed my own soul seemed to be bowed down and silent. Then, there in the quiet, I heard something call out to me, like a voice speaking without words--I realize this doesn't make much sense, but I can't really put into words what I experienced. I had this deep sense of calm, and it seemed as though the voice was telling me to follow.
At that point I realized that something had been awakened in me which had always been there, but that I had never been in an environment to sufficiently nurture. I had been learning slowly, seeing everything develop in front of me, and honestly, had things not unfolded the way they had I wouldn't have been ready for what I heard when I heard it.
I returned to the Abbey with this in mind and began to strengthen my prayer life. I was already attending Mass daily, and was praying the Rosary daily too. At the time, though, I still wanted to get back together with my girl, and so I was praying with the intention of getting back together with her, if it be God's will. We got back together in November of that year, and I sort of put the thought of priesthood to the back of my mind. It was still there, and every now and then I'd consider it, but at that point I was set on having a good relationship with my girl.
The last six weeks we were together were a major turning point. I went to visit my girl (this was in March '07) for a weekend, and we had an amazing time--the best we'd ever had together. Right before I left, I gave her a copy of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. You see, she wasn't Catholic, not even baptized, and this greatly concerned me. I wanted her to come to an understanding of things, as I realized that if we were to have a future together it would have to involve God--I couldn't do the faith thing by myself if we were to have a good relationship for years to come, it had to be something we both gave ourselves completely to.
After parting ways with her that afternoon, I went into the city near where she lived and went to Mass at the cathedral church there. The Deacon preached a homily on Hell, and after Mass I spoke to him, thanking him for his insight--I'd never heard Hell preached on in a Catholic Church before, and it was refreshing. We spoke a bit more; I found out that he was from Charlotte and actually knew the Bishop--he had also heard of Belmont Abbey. We parted ways and I went back into the Church to take a few pictures--it's a very pretty Church. I was standing before the altar trying to take a picture when the deacon walked back in to take off his liturgical vestments. As he passed by me, he said "You should consider the priesthood, it's a great life!"
At this point I was somewhat taken aback. I was thinking "Who on earth are you to tell me this? I have barely known you twenty minutes and you're telling me what to do with my life?" But his words would stay with me for the next several weeks. My girl got very quiet and listless over the next few weeks when we would talk on the phone. Normally our conversations lasted over an hour a night--I'd be in front of my dorm every night at 8 PM on the dot, no matter the weather, on the phone with her. During that time, though, our conversations shortened considerably--the longest was about 20 minutes. She simply had nothing to say to me anymore. There was something on her mind, and I didn't know what.
All the while I went to the chapel every night to pray for her conversion. On our campus, there was a small chapel behind the monastery where the Blessed Sacrament was kept for people to go and pray silently. I went every night, sometimes as early as 10 30, sometimes as late as 1 or 2. Sometimes I'd stay for about 20 minutes, sometimes over an hour and a half. Always I was praying intensely for the one I loved, that she would come to know truth. When you pour your heart so sincerely into prayer, it truly transforms you.
Interesting how prayers for conversions are always answered--usually not in ways that you'd expected though. I certainly got a conversion from those few weeks of intense prayer: that voice I had heard before calling out without words came back. It came back more loudly and intensely than ever. It was an undeniable thought now, I should consider the priesthood. The fourth of the last six weeks my girl and I were together I almost broke up with her, but then I said to myself, still holding back, that we'd get through it, we would work things out and all would be well. We had gotten through low times before, and we could do it again. So I decided to see what would happen.
What happened was that two weeks later, the day before exams started, she broke up with me, this time for good. I was devistated initially, but it all came into perspective for me quickly, and I found a great deal of consolation in the thought of the priesthood and in continual prayer. We remained friends for a good while, and still talk occasionally. I did find out what was on her mind those weeks, but I will leave that a private matter--it was exceptionally personal, and I have a feeling that if she didn't want me to know for so long, she'd not want the whole world knowing at all.
I continued discernment for a good long while. This school year has been a real gut check for me as I near the end of my time here at the Abbey. Last semester I lost sight of all that I was striving for--academically, spiritually, and even on the job (I work for the college as a Resident Assistant). I was not doing what I needed to do. This semester, through a series of harsh realizations, I've begun to recapture who I need to try to be, and I hope that God will see me through the next several months. I graduate in December, and then it's off to seminary (or possibly to work for the diocese for a few months, and then seminary). But I've learned some very important lessons along the way, and doubtless I will learn more. I've first and foremost learned that God has an amazing sense of humor, and that if you refuse to do what he wants for a good long time, he'll eventually have you do it anyway. I resisted the thought of priesthood for so long, and wound up just giving myself wholeheartedly to discernment (for a time, anyway). I'm trying now to put my heart back into it, and to live a good and holy life so that I may hear the voice of God as clearly as I did on that September morning in Charlotte, just two years ago.
As I said at the beginning, I am giving my testimony here. Please do not use this thread as an opportunity to attack or impugn me or the Catholic Church. If you'd like to do that, I'm sure that there are other pages on here for you to do so.
I was born 22 April, 1988 in Virginia. My mother was brought up Catholic, and my father was raised in the Assemblies of God, although was not actively practicing by the time I was born, as far as I know. My mother waited to have me baptized in the Catholic Church until August of that year, as she was unsure how my father would react--interesting, since the Assemblies of God practice infant baptism. On 6 August, 1988, the Feast of the Transfiguration, I was baptized.
I was given the typical introduction to my faith over the next several years, attending Mass with my parents and going to Sunday School classes. As I got older, though, I sort of became discontent with things at my parish. I was not really getting enough--the Sunday School classes were fairly representative of most such things in the Church in America today, and so I learned very little about my faith. I became somewhat indifferent to my faith, practicing it mainly on Sundays and then the rest of the week just doing the other things I did, treating it more or less as one activity among many.
In the 9th grade things changed. My World History teacher then was somewhat anti-Catholic, not maliciously so, but that was all he'd ever been taught. He sprinkled in little jabs at the Church in his lectures, especially on the Renaissance and the Reformation. I knew that what he was saying was not a faithful representation of what the Catholic Church teaches, but I didn't know what was. I'd never been taught my faith well enough to know how to defend it.
I was at my grandparents' house one afternoon after Sunday Mass and was poring over my Grandpa's bookshelf. I'd always loved to read, since my mother is a librarian. I found a book by Karl Keating called Catholicism and Fundamentalism, and I read it cover to cover in a couple of days. I found myself rather amused by what the book said, as it not only deconstructed the arguments my teacher was making--many of his arguments were contained nearly verbatim in the book. Armed with this new knowledge and a fervor for defending my faith, I challenged my teacher on a point of doctrine. Having successfully defended it (although in hindsight my approach was wrong-headed, since it's not really proper to start the argument, but to answer questions or objections as they come), I set out to learn as much as I could. I began reading the Bible, starting with the Gospels, as well as other books about apologetics and theology.
This newfound interest in my faith would come to dictate my academic interests as well. When I started high school (which at the time began in 8th grade), I wanted to be an electrical engineer. I quickly realized that engineering involved a lot of math and other sorts of work that would bore or overwhelm me. About 9th grade, I discovered politics. I decided then that I'd go to Law School, become a lawyer, and run for office. As I came to discover my faith more and more deeply, I realized that politics would likely not prove profitable to me. The dilemma was that I could either sell out on my faith convictions and be a good politician, or I could hold to my faith and never get elected to office. In our country, it is very difficult to be a good Catholic while at the same time being a good politician. I did not want to have to make that choice, and so I decided to just practice Law. Junior year, however, I became less enthusiastic about that. I interned with a local lawyer with whom I had worked in Scouting. I enjoyed my time working in his office, and I learned a lot. But I also realized that the practice of law in our small town environment would quickly lose its luster for me. I also did not want to go to the big city to practice law, as I was somewhat turned off by the busy city life.
By the time senior year rolled around, I was not entirely sure what I wanted to do with my life, although I was still sort of thinking law and even politics. I visited three in-state colleges, and none of them seemed to appeal to me. One did nothing that jumped off the page, one was very nice but very hard to get by in, and one was nearly 7 hours from home. I didn't apply to any of them, although I did have applications from two of them on the table. Then, I got an email from Belmont Abbey. It was small, close to home, Catholic, and I could apply online for free. Having gone to a small high school and being very close to my family throughout, the Abbey appealed to me. Plus, it being Catholic meant that I could finally have a place to really explore my faith. I applied, got in, and received a full academic scholarship. I decided then that I would major in Theology, and that afterward I would go teach.
At the time I was visiting colleges and all, I was also dating. This was another major factor in where I am currently headed. We met over the summer before my senior year, and then began talking. We got rather close, and by the end of the year we were dating. We dated throughout the latter half of my senior year and over the summer. I loved my girl dearly and had even planned out how I was going to propose to her--I said to myself that all we had to do was make it through three years of me being in college, and then I'd propose at graduation (I was slated at the time to graduate early).
We didn't make it three days into my college career before she broke up with me.
Interesting how things like this come about. I was in a new place, a very Catholic environment--something with which I was not very familiar. My girl and I vowed to work on things, and we did for a few months. I think this was quite important, as my loyalty to her kept me from thinking about other girls--as tempting as it was at times, as many times as I wanted to call my girl and call it quits so I could date someone else, I never backed down. I knew that if we worked hard at it, we'd get things put back together and all would be well again.
Something interesting happened in the time we were apart, though. Some friends and I went to the Diocese of Charlotte's Eucharistic Congress, which is put on every fall in the city of Charlotte. The Eucharist to us Catholics, of course, is the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ under the visible accidents of bread and wine, which we receive at Mass after the priest has consecrated it. The Eucharistic Congress is an opportunity for the Catholics of western North Carolina to get together every year and worship Our Lord in the Eucharist. One way in which we do this is a procession through the city streets, wherein the Bishop carries the Blessed Sacrament in a monstrance out into the streets. As he processes, he is accompanied by the priests and deacons of the diocese, as well as thousands of pilgrims from all over the state. I was in the procession vested as an altar server.
The sky that day was overcast--one of my friends said it made her think of the day of the Passion. As we walked, I noticed something very powerful happening. The whole city seemed to be kneeling down. Sure, all those along the streets where the procession was taking place were kneeling, but the whole city was quiet. Construction seemed to halt, traffic seemed to die away. All was nearly silent in the city, and indeed my own soul seemed to be bowed down and silent. Then, there in the quiet, I heard something call out to me, like a voice speaking without words--I realize this doesn't make much sense, but I can't really put into words what I experienced. I had this deep sense of calm, and it seemed as though the voice was telling me to follow.
At that point I realized that something had been awakened in me which had always been there, but that I had never been in an environment to sufficiently nurture. I had been learning slowly, seeing everything develop in front of me, and honestly, had things not unfolded the way they had I wouldn't have been ready for what I heard when I heard it.
I returned to the Abbey with this in mind and began to strengthen my prayer life. I was already attending Mass daily, and was praying the Rosary daily too. At the time, though, I still wanted to get back together with my girl, and so I was praying with the intention of getting back together with her, if it be God's will. We got back together in November of that year, and I sort of put the thought of priesthood to the back of my mind. It was still there, and every now and then I'd consider it, but at that point I was set on having a good relationship with my girl.
The last six weeks we were together were a major turning point. I went to visit my girl (this was in March '07) for a weekend, and we had an amazing time--the best we'd ever had together. Right before I left, I gave her a copy of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. You see, she wasn't Catholic, not even baptized, and this greatly concerned me. I wanted her to come to an understanding of things, as I realized that if we were to have a future together it would have to involve God--I couldn't do the faith thing by myself if we were to have a good relationship for years to come, it had to be something we both gave ourselves completely to.
After parting ways with her that afternoon, I went into the city near where she lived and went to Mass at the cathedral church there. The Deacon preached a homily on Hell, and after Mass I spoke to him, thanking him for his insight--I'd never heard Hell preached on in a Catholic Church before, and it was refreshing. We spoke a bit more; I found out that he was from Charlotte and actually knew the Bishop--he had also heard of Belmont Abbey. We parted ways and I went back into the Church to take a few pictures--it's a very pretty Church. I was standing before the altar trying to take a picture when the deacon walked back in to take off his liturgical vestments. As he passed by me, he said "You should consider the priesthood, it's a great life!"
At this point I was somewhat taken aback. I was thinking "Who on earth are you to tell me this? I have barely known you twenty minutes and you're telling me what to do with my life?" But his words would stay with me for the next several weeks. My girl got very quiet and listless over the next few weeks when we would talk on the phone. Normally our conversations lasted over an hour a night--I'd be in front of my dorm every night at 8 PM on the dot, no matter the weather, on the phone with her. During that time, though, our conversations shortened considerably--the longest was about 20 minutes. She simply had nothing to say to me anymore. There was something on her mind, and I didn't know what.
All the while I went to the chapel every night to pray for her conversion. On our campus, there was a small chapel behind the monastery where the Blessed Sacrament was kept for people to go and pray silently. I went every night, sometimes as early as 10 30, sometimes as late as 1 or 2. Sometimes I'd stay for about 20 minutes, sometimes over an hour and a half. Always I was praying intensely for the one I loved, that she would come to know truth. When you pour your heart so sincerely into prayer, it truly transforms you.
Interesting how prayers for conversions are always answered--usually not in ways that you'd expected though. I certainly got a conversion from those few weeks of intense prayer: that voice I had heard before calling out without words came back. It came back more loudly and intensely than ever. It was an undeniable thought now, I should consider the priesthood. The fourth of the last six weeks my girl and I were together I almost broke up with her, but then I said to myself, still holding back, that we'd get through it, we would work things out and all would be well. We had gotten through low times before, and we could do it again. So I decided to see what would happen.
What happened was that two weeks later, the day before exams started, she broke up with me, this time for good. I was devistated initially, but it all came into perspective for me quickly, and I found a great deal of consolation in the thought of the priesthood and in continual prayer. We remained friends for a good while, and still talk occasionally. I did find out what was on her mind those weeks, but I will leave that a private matter--it was exceptionally personal, and I have a feeling that if she didn't want me to know for so long, she'd not want the whole world knowing at all.
I continued discernment for a good long while. This school year has been a real gut check for me as I near the end of my time here at the Abbey. Last semester I lost sight of all that I was striving for--academically, spiritually, and even on the job (I work for the college as a Resident Assistant). I was not doing what I needed to do. This semester, through a series of harsh realizations, I've begun to recapture who I need to try to be, and I hope that God will see me through the next several months. I graduate in December, and then it's off to seminary (or possibly to work for the diocese for a few months, and then seminary). But I've learned some very important lessons along the way, and doubtless I will learn more. I've first and foremost learned that God has an amazing sense of humor, and that if you refuse to do what he wants for a good long time, he'll eventually have you do it anyway. I resisted the thought of priesthood for so long, and wound up just giving myself wholeheartedly to discernment (for a time, anyway). I'm trying now to put my heart back into it, and to live a good and holy life so that I may hear the voice of God as clearly as I did on that September morning in Charlotte, just two years ago.
As I said at the beginning, I am giving my testimony here. Please do not use this thread as an opportunity to attack or impugn me or the Catholic Church. If you'd like to do that, I'm sure that there are other pages on here for you to do so.
