- Feb 9, 2017
Growing up I had a great childhood even though my mum was stuck in addiction she did the best she could for me and my brother... I remember there wasn't a father figure around, all my friends had dads but I didn't...At an early age I was told by my mum that this guy she was dating was my dad but deep down inside I knew differently...As life went on mum met another guy who was amazing He just treated me like a real daughter and I was over the moon I felt so loved...Finally mum and dad (so I called him) had my little brother then got married and dad adopted me wow life couldn't have got any better for me...Later on mum started staying in bed loads and wasn't there for us the way she used too. I used to come home from school to find her friends sitting around the kitchen table and they all were looking pretty out of it, then I heard them saying lets have a tablet party. My heart was broke watching my mum in them states all pilled out of it. More and more mum was getting real ill she was being admitted to hospital an awful lot more than the average person would, then I started to witness things myself that mum was intentionally making her self ill to be hospitalised. She would swallow tacs (you know them things you pin paper to a board with) and constantly pretend she had all kinds of illnesses just to get a hospital bed, when I seen her in hospital she was at her happiest I just could understand why she was doing it for. then she used to watch dad walking down the street coming home from work then she was up to her antics again, when he walked in she would pretend to faint and be sick so she could just lay in bed all night long. Anyway I was usually a happy child and I new right from wrong but I guess I started rebelling against everything I knew that was right, so at the age of 14 I started smoking dope then gradually over the years I used to sniff and take pills but this was only on the weekends when I went out with my friends.. So I started working as a secretary but I wasn't happy there so I left and started working in a nursing home, that's were my heart was looking after people...I also remember my wee granny being over the moon for me as I finally stepped into the job I loved doing. My nanny was great support to me we were so close (more like best friends) At the age of 17 and 19 my life fell apart I lost my nanny and my dad..I didn't know what to do I was all along in this world with no strong mum on my side (I just kept going even though It was very hard watching my mum suffer with addiction and me trying to help rare my brother)... I then met a guy and had my daughter with him but that relationship broke down as he didn't really wanna be in my daughters life. just over a year later I met another guy who ive known all my life and lived 3 doors away from well we ended up having my son 12 months after we met..after having my son I had a real bad back I was in so much agony when I got out of hospital after having him, all I could do was lie in bed I was in so much pain. around a wk after getting home from the maternity hospital I remember lying in bed and my mum walking into my room and she threw a clear bag full of pills infront of me saying I'm getting admitted to a psychiatric hospital in an hours time, I need you to mind your brother, take them pills they will help you (I was 23 at that time and my brother was 8 and a half years my junior). what I didn't know then was that this was my journey down to hell. Everytime I went up to see mum in hospital she was giving me more pills probably to keep me sweet to minding my kid bro..I loved the feeling I felt I could do anything and I had so much energy. I tried to stop them but I just couldn't handle the withdrawels they were so intense...after 5 and a half years together with my partner that relationship ended as well, He used to sell drugs from my home and we ended up using stuff together also at the wkends which wasn't a good thing, our relationship broke down due to him being jealous and violent to me..Anyway over the years I was in an out of so many relationship who all were violent and jealous as well and my addiction grew worse over that period of time...I started suffering from depressing and it got so bad that I just couldn't see a way out, I was so hopless..(pls some1 help me but there was no1 around) all this time i craved so much to have support from my mum but she just wasn't there for me.. due to my depression i couldn't even look after my kids and ended up losing them as well, but thank God they stayed in the family circle...During that time my mum grew such a hatred for me and favouritism my brother over me she kept shutting me out of my family lifes and told them lies about me and to my brother as well, then he started to hate me too..WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME I THOUGHT..Why would a mum have ever1 in her family turn against her 1 and only daughter ...why did she hate me so much for...why did she tell so many lies about me..i could never get my head around it...it drove me crazy wondering why why why...(ive done nothing wrong) I was all alone in this big bad world and my heart was shattered into a million bits..i didn't wanna live any longer..i ended up so ill then i myself was hospitalised in a psychiatric hospital...and went on a scary number of counselling sessions by alot of different psychiatrist....finally mum apologised to me and i moved in with her cause id nowhere else to go...She still couldn't give me the answer to what i was looking for all my life, which why did she make my life hell for sooo many years when i had done nothing at all wrong to her...i guess 1 day she will answer me...i kept telling myself maybe this time me and mum can finally get that mother and daughter bound that we never had now that I'm living at home, but every lot of months she would take a physco and throw me out of her home for NOTHING AT ALL..i ended up living in hostels everytime she threw me out...i remember for 2 Christmas's i sat alone in a hostel with not even a phone call from her asking was i ok or do you wanna come up and spend xmas here with me...But i kept hoping someday she would change...GOD STARTED STEPPING INTO MY LIFE...In 2012 i was sent to jail for not paying a fine and i remember going for a video link and i was sitting in a cell with this girl called Julie mcGinely who was in for killing her husband, i asked her how she was coping and she started telling me about she wouldn't have came through it without God..So she say and shared her testimony and later sneeked me the passion of Christ to watch in my cell that night...that wasn't my only trip to jail i ended in again for assault.....when i got out of jail which was only for over 2wks i still had to go back to the hostel to stay....In the hostel i noticed 3 of the staff were Christians and a girl who stayed in the nexted room to me was 1 as well and they started telling me about what Jesus had done in there lifes...i remember like it was yesterday sitting untop of my bed in the small hostel room and i couldn't get Jesus out of my head..I broke down in tears "God if your real please show me", i was so lost and all alone and couldnt see a way out.. i always believe in God anyway i just wanted God to do something, anything so knew that He was their with me...Help me Lord i cried...i repented that very night and made him Lord of my life...wow from that very minute i felt something shift..i woke up and felt wow somethings different here i don't know what it was i just felt completely different...i couldn't wait to get on Facebook and share with every1 that i got saved last night i was so happy. ... after awhile in church a girl told me about TEEN CHALLENGE who help struggling addicts and help them get a place in there rehab centres around the world so i thought yeah i need to go there, so i started going to the lunch days and the evening fellowship meetings they have running twice a week , i love every1 there i seen the love of Christ through these people... ..i went over to the HOPE HOUSE rehab centre in wales twice but didn't last too long.. i did succeed in coming off everything guess my excuse was i missed home to much....i only wish i had of stuck it out as its a great rehabilitation centre...i also found out my sons dad was still struggling in drugs so i got intouch with him and we became great friends then he went over to the guys house with TEEN CHALLENGE he ended up doing the whole programme and was doing really great..We started trying to work on getting back together..He really wanted to be with me then and there but i just wasn't ready for that yet, i still had things to work on and so did he, we needed to be stronger in our recovery and walk with God..We still were best mates and planned maybe down the line their could be a future but then i seen him struggling real bad and tried to talk sense into him but he didn't listen and he passed away on April 2017 this year...my heart was torn so badly..but i had to keep going and not let depression grip my life again for my sake and my kids. I had to stay strong...keep fighting....keep moving forward....i kept praying for my mum, kids and family..I asked God to restore me and my childrens relationship and kept praying that they can forgive me someday....things started to happen fast..my children are back in my life, i just love them so much I'm the happiest mummy alive right now.... me and my wee mum started speaking again then finally me and my kid brother made amends and now we are so close and he's just named his new baby daughter after me in july this year....God brought all the lies to light that were told about me....Now I'm so close to ALL my family....Life has been so great and that's all been because of Jesus...Finally i learned how to forgive my wee mum and she admitted to all her wrong doing in my life and we are closer than ever now....it was only when i truly forgiving her that i seen her change....She also dedicated her life to the Lord last week...I'm still praying loads for her as their are many areas in her life that she needs set free from and healed as well...BUT are God is Abel Amen... I'm just amazed to were i am today compared to 6years ago..ive a brill church i go to that i love, and Gods surrounded me with so many people who love me..Im really enjoying life I'm still waiting on my husband coming along though hehe..normally when i share my testimony i try and forcus more on what God has done in my life but right now I'm just telling this a little different cuz i know there are people out there struggling and i just want to tell them HEY YOUR NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD (I'm here if you need me), ive had it real hard but nothing is too hard for God..Keep going strong sweeties you'll get through this!! i have a Hope and His name is Jesus...Wow wow wow I'm still amazed at what Gods has done in my life MWAH MWAH MWAH HUGS HUGS HUGS...