I have been in and out of the church my whole life. When I was very young it was "required", then it was my "safe place", and then it was time to take my kids. I wasnt very serious about my relationship with Christ until I was around 26. And even then i wasnt serious, just more intentional. When i was 29 i went to a revival. A pastor prayed over me. I felt something go "through" me. Nothing major, no amazing instant change. I knew something happened, but I convinced myself it was nothing and went on about my life. However over the course of the next year I went back to that region 6 times (it was 1200 miles from where I lived). Something kept drawing me back. Lots of good and lots bad started happening really fast, i remained active in the church and made an effort to have a closer relationship with Jesus. Then some things just went really wrong and I ended up alone (literally zero real life friends). At one point i walked in my house took my bible and held it as I told God i didn't know what to do with him or his Christians. I didnt know where i fit in his world. And at that time I was done, I couldn't do it anymore. I didnt hate Him, I wasn't mad. I didnt know when Id be back. I set my bible down and walked away. I had done some preaching prior to that. Helped min many ministries. But I was still very young in that part of my walk. Well that was roughly two and a half or three years ago. I NEVER denied Christ (with my words), but my life very slowly started to spiral out of control....until one day it was like i just jumped off a cliff. Now Im sitting in the mess that has become my life. And "mess" is a HUGE understatement. Im pretty sure I have lost or will very soon lose my job. My house....i cant even put into words the disrepair and nasty. My kids.....are as dead in spirit as I am right now. Because I haven't had any real life friends for several years and my kids were homeschooled last year I am completely alone. I also have an addiction and depression. God took them both once, I believe that life without God is why they are back today. (I actually tried to check into a detox tonight and set up a treatment plan, and their were no beds....I believe God will take it again, it maybe different, but he will ) also through this i did go to a church and tithe and study some, but not sincerely. I lived (at least part of my life) as a Christian, but I ended up with a double life and the dark side got way out of control. So now Im in a place where I know I know Christ, but i am in more than just a *lonely" phase. I am literally isolated. I have NO idea whats coming next. I know the story is not over. I am starting to work on my relationship with Jesus again. And Ive always had a church family although im not very connected. Lol. Guess thats really it for now. This is a skim over, lots of detail left out. I might update it and add to it later.
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