S
God, I know that Your intentions for me have always been for the best, You've taken me through some very dark times, and been there in the best of them. I thank You, genuinely, from the bottom of my heart for those times. I know that this life is meant to test us, tempt us, teach us, and ultimately bring out the best of us all... And with any growth and lesson pain and frustrations are inevitable. I don't like to complain, I don't like to come across as a small child: Ranting and raving how unfair it all is. But God something has to change. I'll be 25 here soon and my lifetime has been wrought with more pain, loss, and despair than any 25 year old should have to endure. I know that there are others my age and younger that have been through such and worse. I'm fortunate for the things I haven't experienced as well as those that I have had the opportunity to experience. Growing up I was always just a little "off" and I didn't understand why my parents were so mean to each other, why no matter how hard I tried to make my mother happy, and how badly I wanted my dad to stay with us, I was always in the wrong. I didn't understand that drugs caused alot of the problems our family was going through. I didn't understand that the kids at school picked on me and beat me up and ostracized me because of a social standard I didn't meet. I didn't understand why no one would just listen to me when my foster mother was making me stand with my hands grasping my ankles for hours on end and purposely depriving me of sleep and basic fundamental rights every human being is entitled to. I didn't understand why psychologists kept shoving mind numbing drugs down my throat despite vehement protests by myself, or why crying for my mom at night and acting like the other kids in the facilities warranted isolations and restraints. I was so trapped and I know You know how alone and hopeless it all felt. Now I'm an adult with three children of my own and I can't keep a job because of the same social idiosyncrasies I failed to grasp as a child. I don't care to ask, "Why me!"... I'm just begging for a reprieve. From poverty, from isolation, from depression, from anxiety, from losing everyone I love in some form or another. I make mistakes, I struggle with alot of ups and downs and sins that I can't stop on my own and there's no excuse. I feel as though I've failed my family, my children, my husband, myself, and above all You. I honestly want to die most of the time... I know death is not the end, but the beginning of peace. And really all I want is peace. I'm not asking for much. I don't want millions, notoriety, or even some brand new car and house in the suburbs. I want enough money to live on, I want to feel safe and secure, I want to feel "normal", and just have peace. To be close to You, to not doubt every single shard of my reality and beliefs over and over again. To just feel like I belong somewhere and I can do something! God I know that before this is posted You'll be aware of it... You were aware of this before I wrote it in fact. So please, don't just leave me here like this, help me! Make me whom You wish me to be and give me that hope and peace You've promised those who believe in You.
