Clean Religious Joke

[ROSSELLA]

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.
On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.
"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

Source:
Free Jokes Archives of Clean Joke of the Day, Sounds Like A Squirrel

 

[tanakh]

A Monastery was in a financial crises so one of the Monks came up with the idea of selling Fish and Chips (Fries) to visitors
Seeing a Monk standing at the counter a visitor asked Are you a Fish Fryer? No he replied I'm a Chip Monk.

 

[mailmandan]

Top Ten Ways You Know You're in a Bad Church

10. The church bus has gun racks

9. Staff consists of "Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor"

8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version"

7. ATM in the lobby

6. Services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake"

5. Choir wearing leather robes

4. No cover charge, but communion is a 2 drink minimum

3. Karaoke worship time

2. Ushers ask "Smoking or Non-Smoking?"

1. The only song the church organist knows is "Innagaddadavita"

 

[hornetguy]

Top Ten Ways You Know You're in a Bad Church

10. The church bus has gun racks

9. Staff consists of "Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor"

8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version"

7. ATM in the lobby

6. Services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake"

5. Choir wearing leather robes

4. No cover charge, but communion is a 2 drink minimum

3. Karaoke worship time

2. Ushers ask "Smoking or Non-Smoking?"

1. The only song the church organist knows is "Innagaddadavita"

Very funny stuff.... actually, #1 could have been a church song... The original title was "In the Garden of Eden", but the singers were so drunk/stoned that they slurred the words into "in a gadda da vida"..... and the name stuck...

 

[Test_F_i_2_Luv]

The Catholic priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A young boy kept staring at the priest the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the boy what he was staring at.

The boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

 

[tanakh]

Sign on a Church notice board ----

Seven days without prayer makes one weak

 

[tanakh]

True story

Some years ago My wife and I went to Israel. When I got home I was telling my Brother about the holiday and how we took a boat trip over the Sea of Galilee.
Oh he replioed with a straight face ''You didn't walk then?''



and how we
took a boat trip across the Sea of Galilee

 

[BeyondET]

There was a man who had a little to much to drink at a local tavern and decided to take a short cut through the woods to get home. Stumbling through the trees he came upon a river and there in the river was a preacher baptizing people.

The man stumbled across the river, halfway across he bumped into the preacher.

The preacher smelling the Acohol on his breath spoke to the man, "You ready to find Jesus"

The man replied "I sure am".

The preacher grabbed the man and placed him under the water and at once pulled him up and said to him "have you found Jesus yet?"

The man replied, "No I haven't"

Alittle bewildered of this the preacher grabbed the man again and placed him under the water but held him under for afew minutes, Then pulled him up and said "have you found Jesus yet?"

The man replied, no sir I haven't found Jesus yet.

The preacher was shocked by this and grabbed him again and placed him under the water for a long time until the man started kicking his feet because he was almost out of breath.

The preacher pulled him up and the man was gasping for air with that the preacher asked the man again, " for heaven sake brother, have you found Jesus yet."

The man still gasping for air and wiping the water from his eyes and said to the preacher, "are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[RickyZ]

True story

Some years ago My wife and I went to Israel. When I got home I was telling my Brother about the holiday and how we took a boat trip over the Sea of Galilee.
Oh he replioed with a straight face ''You didn't walk then?''

We waterskied on the Sea of Galilee. So in effect I did walk on the water (and later crashed and sank like Peter!)

 

[RickyZ]

Driving thru the country one night listening to an old country preacher...

"Gawd is not male or female; Gawd is not white or black; Gawd is not straight or gay..."

That's when it hit me - Gawd is Michael Jackson!

 

[RickyZ]

Walking his beat, the Irish cop sees a preacher coming out of a liquor store. "Taking a wee nip are we father?" the cop asks. "It's for the Monsignor's constipation" the preacher answers.

Later on the cop walks by the church and sees the preacher bombed out of his mind on the church steps. "For the Monsignor's constipation, eh?" asks the cop.

"Well he's sure going to poop when he sees me" answers the preacher!

 

[mailmandan]

What is the difference between Catholics and Baptists in regards to liquor? Catholics will actually acknowledge each other at the liquor store.

 

[BillG]

Ok not a joke but made me laugh

 

[BillG]

A kindergarten teacher was walking around her classroom while her students drew pictures.
One little girl was scribbling so intently that the teacher asked what she was drawing.
The little girl replied, “I’m drawing a picture of Jesus.” The teacher said, “Oh honey, nobody really knows for sure what Jesus looked like.”
The little girl, without missing a beat, responded, “They will in a minute.”

 

[mailmandan]