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L
He does love you and want you to be with Him. If He has stopped you from going your own way, that means He has his hand in your life and is trying to get you somewhere that you're not at right now. It would be easier if God had a sign board or something to just tell us what to do instead of making us guess but that's just the way He does it.
I wish you I could somehow impart a little of that heart knowledge to you just so that you'd have peace of mind. Even though you can't see what He's doing in your life or what possible purpose there is for all that has happened to you, there really is. It's not the way we would make things happen perhaps, but once you come out the other side, you will realize that there could have been no other way.
I have felt every single thing that you've mentioned and more. Trying to remain faithful in your trials and feeling like you are getting dumped on instead of blessed for your efforts. Feeling like God did not hold up His end of the bargain when you were hurting the most, going through trials. Crying out to God and hearing and feeling nothing back. Feeling like there is no the point to praying when you see nothing come of your prayers.
But just as God does a supernatural work on you when you are first saved, He will bring you back to Him when it's time (not when you want it or think that you need it) and you will see and understand it all so much better. For when we thought we were the furthest from Him and even forgotten by Him, that's when He was working the most in us.
I hope you take just a little encouragement from what I tell you. Just hang on there....God has not forsaken you.
I wish you I could somehow impart a little of that heart knowledge to you just so that you'd have peace of mind. Even though you can't see what He's doing in your life or what possible purpose there is for all that has happened to you, there really is. It's not the way we would make things happen perhaps, but once you come out the other side, you will realize that there could have been no other way.
I have felt every single thing that you've mentioned and more. Trying to remain faithful in your trials and feeling like you are getting dumped on instead of blessed for your efforts. Feeling like God did not hold up His end of the bargain when you were hurting the most, going through trials. Crying out to God and hearing and feeling nothing back. Feeling like there is no the point to praying when you see nothing come of your prayers.
But just as God does a supernatural work on you when you are first saved, He will bring you back to Him when it's time (not when you want it or think that you need it) and you will see and understand it all so much better. For when we thought we were the furthest from Him and even forgotten by Him, that's when He was working the most in us.
I hope you take just a little encouragement from what I tell you. Just hang on there....God has not forsaken you.
M
My grandmother was born during WWII and she is a Holocaust survivor. My point is G-d loves Us, Me and is Loving-kindness has never stopped form abounding to us , we are the apple of H-s eye. I, you are the apple of H-s eye, but it is soooo easy to forget that this little time here is just a vapor it is a nothing and if Father did nothing elses but send Yeshua is the Messiah the Shekhinah of G-D to redeem me He has done more than than enough. When I think of His goodness and my sin how could He save me???? Life is a vapor eternity is ... well... eternity ...
As much as life can be hard life has it's equal good. The Scripture says that the rain falls on the just and the unjust... life happens on life's terms to all... but praise be unto Him "I can storm a troupe or scale a wall"... I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!!!!
M
You will be fine. Just don't give up and don't let the devil convince you out of pursuing God with all of your heart, even if it seems nothing is happening. I got my breakthrough by taking aside 8 months of praying and crying out to God day and night. Boy did He show up! I heard Him speak for the first time in my room at about 3 AM as I laid out on the floor in a fetal position crying all night.
M
He is overjoyed with just the thought of you and ecstatically in Love with you 
L
Ahh, my apologies....I think I may have disabled that option cause I was getting some unwanted requests by men....lol. I'm going to re-enable it now.
I can't impress on you enough that my being drawn back by God had nothing to do with my efforts and everything to do with Him. I've seen other people been drawn back to God, and thought, "well yeah, but they probably at least were praying or reading their Bible" or "yeah, but they're not as far away from God as I am" or whatever, anything to prove to myself that they had something that God saw in them that was worth redeeming that He surely didn't see in me. But that's not true! We're all in the same boat......
Romans 3:10-12 There is none righteous, not even one; there is none who understands, there is none who seeks for God; all have turned aside, together they have become useless; there is none who does good, there is not even one.
I had zero will to even pray because there seemed absolutely no point. And my lack of being able to understand what was happening between me and God eventually led to being disobedient in all aspects of my life (I am....ahem....embarassed to say that I did some "worse" things after I was saved than before) . There was absolutely nothing in me that could have gotten me back to Him on my own accord. Take heart! He's working in you!
Phil 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ
I can't impress on you enough that my being drawn back by God had nothing to do with my efforts and everything to do with Him. I've seen other people been drawn back to God, and thought, "well yeah, but they probably at least were praying or reading their Bible" or "yeah, but they're not as far away from God as I am" or whatever, anything to prove to myself that they had something that God saw in them that was worth redeeming that He surely didn't see in me. But that's not true! We're all in the same boat......
Romans 3:10-12 There is none righteous, not even one; there is none who understands, there is none who seeks for God; all have turned aside, together they have become useless; there is none who does good, there is not even one.
I had zero will to even pray because there seemed absolutely no point. And my lack of being able to understand what was happening between me and God eventually led to being disobedient in all aspects of my life (I am....ahem....embarassed to say that I did some "worse" things after I was saved than before) . There was absolutely nothing in me that could have gotten me back to Him on my own accord. Take heart! He's working in you!
Phil 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ
L
Well...now I can't prove this....lol....but I'm quite sure that I prolonged what I went through and made things much harder on myself along the way. If I had continued to be obedient by faith, I think the relentless pressing would have let up sooner.
That said, I am who I am, and part of that is just plain stubborn (or stupid) so I don't think I probably could have just submitted to the trials and the pressing unless God had imputed the faith in me to do that from the beginning.
There's a sense of loss after you've been so disobedient and come back to the light. I have completely lost my testimony before men at this point (john 15:6 If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them and cast them into the fire, and they are burned) and so I will be held accountable for being a stumblingblock to those unbelievers that I come in contact with who can't see Christ in me. There's also speak of rewards in heaven for the believer, and I know that I will miss out on some of those because of my behavior.
But I don't tell you those things that you may be under condemnation, just only to answer your questions.
I can't tell you when things will turn around or even what to do until that happens, I just want to give you a word of encouragement. When I was going through stuff for well over 10 years, I really had no one to tell me that it would eventually work out. The only people I knew were ones that handled their trials so gracefully. I just wanted to add the perspective of someone who didn't handle it at all gracefully, but who eventually was brought through it.
That said, I am who I am, and part of that is just plain stubborn (or stupid) so I don't think I probably could have just submitted to the trials and the pressing unless God had imputed the faith in me to do that from the beginning.
There's a sense of loss after you've been so disobedient and come back to the light. I have completely lost my testimony before men at this point (john 15:6 If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them and cast them into the fire, and they are burned) and so I will be held accountable for being a stumblingblock to those unbelievers that I come in contact with who can't see Christ in me. There's also speak of rewards in heaven for the believer, and I know that I will miss out on some of those because of my behavior.
But I don't tell you those things that you may be under condemnation, just only to answer your questions.
I can't tell you when things will turn around or even what to do until that happens, I just want to give you a word of encouragement. When I was going through stuff for well over 10 years, I really had no one to tell me that it would eventually work out. The only people I knew were ones that handled their trials so gracefully. I just wanted to add the perspective of someone who didn't handle it at all gracefully, but who eventually was brought through it.
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M
Thank you Lauren. I have heard many such testimonies contantly and it does get old. You wonder what's so wrong with you and right with them and where things went wrong. I know I sound bitter and rebellious. I apologize for coming across that way (even though I may feel it.) But, the truth is I appreciate your answers from the bottom of my heart!