having trouble talking about my late wife with my current one

[amconley89]

I've never done this before but here it goes.. I'm a young widower (24) who has remarried within the past year and am still having trouble talking with her about my late wife and daughter. In 2011 I lost my wife and 8 month old daughter to a drunk driver. My step son now age 10 isn't handling the loss well either making it harder to maintain a heathy relationship with him as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is I can't help but get all choked up during holidays and I am so scared I will lose my current wife that it's hard to be open with her. It's starting to tear apart my current marriage. I'm finding it terribly hard to move on when everything still reminds me of them. Thanks and God bless

 

[faroukfarouk]

I've never done this before but here it goes.. I'm a young widower (24) who has remarried within the past year and am still having trouble talking with her about my late wife and daughter. In 2011 I lost my wife and 8 month old daughter to a drunk driver. My step son now age 10 isn't handling the loss well either making it harder to maintain a heathy relationship with him as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is I can't help but get all choked up during holidays and I am so scared I will lose my current wife that it's hard to be open with her. It's starting to tear apart my current marriage. I'm finding it terribly hard to move on when everything still reminds me of them. Thanks and God bless

Human relationships can sometimes have their deeply difficult moments.

Regarding relationships which involve a both a Godward and manward element, John's First Epistle speaks a lot about fellowship, fellowship with the Divine Persons, fellowship between the cleansed believer walking in the light, etc. If the Godward aspect of our relationships is Biblically founded and is based on a saving knowledge of the Savior, this can greatly help human relationships also.

 

[crossnote]

I've never done this before but here it goes.. I'm a young widower (24) who has remarried within the past year and am still having trouble talking with her about my late wife and daughter. In 2011 I lost my wife and 8 month old daughter to a drunk driver. My step son now age 10 isn't handling the loss well either making it harder to maintain a heathy relationship with him as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is I can't help but get all choked up during holidays and I am so scared I will lose my current wife that it's hard to be open with her. It's starting to tear apart my current marriage. I'm finding it terribly hard to move on when everything still reminds me of them. Thanks and God bless

The relationship of one has ended (even if it was out of your control). Do not bring it up in front of your new wife, she doesn't want to share the two of you...just you.

 

[Atwood]

I've never done this before but here it goes.. I'm a young widower (24) who has remarried within the past year and am still having trouble talking with her about my late wife and daughter. In 2011 I lost my wife and 8 month old daughter to a drunk driver. My step son now age 10 isn't handling the loss well either making it harder to maintain a heathy relationship with him as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is I can't help but get all choked up during holidays and I am so scared I will lose my current wife that it's hard to be open with her. It's starting to tear apart my current marriage. I'm finding it terribly hard to move on when everything still reminds me of them. Thanks and God bless

I regret that you are hurting. I prayed for you.
Was your wife a Christian? If so, despite the pain of the separation, you may be comforted by the truth that if you trust Christ as your Savior, you will soon see her again, as this life is short. Then perhaps you can bring yourself just to have some sadness instead of having the "choked up" level of pain.

I detect that you have mental pain over your reluctance to talk about your loss. Is this because you feel that you are a bad person for not wanting to rake over these coals? If so, what is the basis of such self-condemnation? What leads you to believe that you are obligated to talk about these matters?

You have great fear over the possibility of losing your current wife.
Can you bring yourself around to the mental attitude that if you lose your current wife, it will indeed bring you sorrow, but since you always have the Lord, it will not be the end of your happiness in life?

Or have you made rules for yourself that

1) you cannot be happy unless you divulge,
2) you cannot be happy if you lose your wife,
3) you cannot be happy if you feel some sorrow over your tragic loss?

 

[jogoldie]

Its difficult to say how long is the proper amount of time to grieve.....every one is different....what youve experianced is
heartbreaking.....maybe you rushed through the process as to lessen your pain....understandable....we cant run past this process.....
there are stages of grief....sadness...anger...blame...im not a therapist but i have experianced the loss of a child....God tells us
we must close one door before going through another....I think your door behind you needs to close......as for the child...he has lost
his world and you must have patience for his grieving time....since you have remarried he probably thinks you have tried to replace
the life he knows....there will be resentment from him.....we are grown and have no idea how to handle loss....when your 10....well you must
Imagine the difficulty...you need grief counseling and so does the child.....and of course we must first go to God and ask for
help...try to spend time in His council.....
I also think the child is frightened that you are forgetting his mom by moving on and remarrying.....he will do all he can to keep remembering
Her....her voice ...her smell...etc...the fear of forgetting her is quite real...help him.....he will settle with more time...
I will be praying for your family ......may peace and joy find you soon......

 

[J-Kay-2]

I've never done this before but here it goes.. I'm a young widower (24) who has remarried within the past year and am still having trouble talking with her about my late wife and daughter. In 2011 I lost my wife and 8 month old daughter to a drunk driver. My step son now age 10 isn't handling the loss well either making it harder to maintain a heathy relationship with him as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is I can't help but get all choked up during holidays and I am so scared I will lose my current wife that it's hard to be open with her. It's starting to tear apart my current marriage. I'm finding it terribly hard to move on when everything still reminds me of them. Thanks and God bless

God bless you. The loss of your wife and baby in the accident has
traumatized you. You did remarry, right? And you say you have a
hard time to talk about your losses with new wife ? If I am reading
this right, I can feel the grief in your writing. You are sensitive in
your spirit and that is good. You are trying to hold your feeling back
because you don't want to hurt your new wife ? Did I get that right?

You probably won't heal from losing your family until you have tried to
talk to your new wife. Have you tried ? Did she react negatively ?
If so, I agree with poster who said you would do well to see a counselor,
or Pastor. ( Together )

When we marry we are one flesh and a part of you left went with her and
you feel incomplete. However, we know that will pass and you will heal soon.
I think you sound like such a genuine person seeking some support. We will
support you in prayer. Also, remember you are now free to be married to
the new wife, and you will be complete with her.

Keep us posted, okay ? God bless you.

 

[J-Kay-2]

The relationship of one has ended (even if it was out of your control). Do not bring it up in front of your new wife, she doesn't want to share the two of you...just you.

Crossnote: This sounds so callous. There is a difference when a man loses a wife
to another man. But, he lost his wife to DEATH. Any second wife who can't understand
she married a hurting man and not allow him to share his feelings, is selfish. I believe
if she does let him share, she will earn his love and she can love him.

Of course she does not want to share him with another woman. This is an issue
maybe we need to hear more about in order to just tell him " Quit talking about it."
I understand if he is constantly grieving and if the second wife has tried to help him,
then YOU ARE RIGHT. He didn't tell us how far this goes, unless you have had
private contact with him.

I don't mean to be hard on you. It is just IMO, he is so young yet. That was a
tragic loss for him. Let's agree to pray for him and the healing of his losses, okay ?

Bless you,

 

[tourist]

I've never done this before but here it goes.. I'm a young widower (24) who has remarried within the past year and am still having trouble talking with her about my late wife and daughter. In 2011 I lost my wife and 8 month old daughter to a drunk driver. My step son now age 10 isn't handling the loss well either making it harder to maintain a heathy relationship with him as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is I can't help but get all choked up during holidays and I am so scared I will lose my current wife that it's hard to be open with her. It's starting to tear apart my current marriage. I'm finding it terribly hard to move on when everything still reminds me of them. Thanks and God bless

Second, and subsequent marriages almost always come with baggage. First, I am deeply sorry for the lost of your wife and daughter, especially at such an early age. I recently lost my second wife a few months ago. We had been married for 11 years and 2 months exactly. She was only 59, the same age as myself. I did not have the same problem that you do about talking about the first wife with the second wife. My first wife treated me horribly so that there was no reason for my second wife to be jealous. My second wife was a beautiful person inside and out who loved the Lord and myself with all of her heart.

My second wife had 2 adult children. Her stepson was constantly disrupting my marriage to his mother. You stepson is still very young and impressionable and I pray that you do not have problems further down the road.

Be honest with your wife and tell her that you will always love your first wife and that the love that you have with your current one is a unique kind of love different from your first wife. Tell your step-son that you are not going to take the place of his father but that you will treat him as your own son. Do not pressure the lad in anyway, any feelings he has in his heart will come at their own time and place.

I really don't envy you.

 

[crossnote]

Crossnote: This sounds so callous. There is a difference when a man loses a wifeto another man. But, he lost his wife to DEATH. Any second wife who can't understandshe married a hurting man and not allow him to share his feelings, is selfish. I believeif she does let him share, she will earn his love and she can love him.Of course she does not want to share him with another woman. This is an issue maybe we need to hear more about in order to just tell him " Quit talking about it."I understand if he is constantly grieving and if the second wife has tried to help him,then YOU ARE RIGHT. He didn't tell us how far this goes, unless you have had private contact with him. I don't mean to be hard on you. It is just IMO, he is so young yet. That was atragic loss for him. Let's agree to pray for him and the healing of his losses, okay ?Bless you,

If you are right, and perhaps you are, then he should have waited to marry but he didn't and it's not right that his new wife need carry that extra load. Callous?, perhaps but there is the other side to consider. She isn't getting upset for no reason.

 

[J-Kay-2]

If you are right, and perhaps you are, then he should have waited to marry but he didn't and it's not right that his new wife need carry that extra load. Callous?, perhaps but there is the other side to consider. She isn't getting upset for no reason.

I agree there is probably another side, (the one he probably should have known before remarrying.)
I get the impression he is still hurting and did jump into marriage too soon. I have always heard it
said that when a married person loses a loved one, they should wait at least a year before they
get into a serious relationship. And that is not because I am 'ancient' lady.... It isn't because
it was the "Proper thing to do." It was because it takes most people that long to adjust to the
loss. Well, we know he is asking for help, and prayer is the best I can give.

Thanks for you input. J~K~2

 

[J-Kay-2]

Second, and subsequent marriages almost always come with baggage. First, I am deeply sorry for the lost of your wife and daughter, especially at such an early age. I recently lost my second wife a few months ago. We had been married for 11 years and 2 months exactly. She was only 59, the same age as myself. I did not have the same problem that you do about talking about the first wife with the second wife. My first wife treated me horribly so that there was no reason for my second wife to be jealous. My second wife was a beautiful person inside and out who loved the Lord and myself with all of her heart.

My second wife had 2 adult children. Her stepson was constantly disrupting my marriage to his mother. You stepson is still very young and impressionable and I pray that you do not have problems further down the road.

Be honest with your wife and tell her that you will always love your first wife and that the love that you have with your current one is a unique kind of love different from your first wife. Tell your step-son that you are not going to take the place of his father but that you will treat him as your own son. Do not pressure the lad in anyway, any feelings he has in his heart will come at their own time and place.

I really don't envy you.

You were truly blessed to know true love. For that we are happy for you.
I can hear the love for her in your writing and it is good to see a happy life
which is so rare today. I am sorry for your loss, yet you appear to know
you will be with her some day. The Lord bless you ~Keep sharing your
wisdom and spreading the love of the Lord around.