Hello from a former Professional backslider!
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I HAVE accepted responsibility for what I have done and that this part of the reason I have hated myself so much! A person's perceptions are formed to a great extent by brain chemistry. When brain chemistry is altered so drastically by opiates and/or alcohol the way you think is drastically altered. The harshness that you and PennEd showed me during a time of crisis had me to the point of having a syringe full of drano up to the main vein of my left arm and I almost injected it! I am glad I didn't go through with it because it would have killed me in a matter of minutes! I got to thinking- I won't do this for the likes of Judgmental, ignorant, and pretend Christians like you and PennEd! I received support from true Christians like all the others that posted. I have hated myself BECAUSE of the realization of the pain I have caused the ones I love! So you and PennEd can go take a flying leap off a short bridge! If you were physically close to my proximity I would help you with it. And I am a former power lifter and member of a special forces unit trained in Krav Maga!
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I was on Facebook a few weeks ago and read a heartbreaking story that hit close to home! A little 10 year old girl had committed suicide after experiencing some of the horrible abuse that I suffered growing up. I felt like God was moving me to write my story of the incredibly horrible abuse I experienced growing up and sharing the warning signs that I personally exhibited but were all missed. I wrote the story in the hope that parents might recognize the warning signs and stop the abuse from happening with their own children. Here is my story and for reference to an article on the signs of extreme abuse in children. https://arkofhopeforchildren.org/li...MlMoW1ouHqAIgiaEh514D6S5I82e2jJLFByhv7uIAvX2U
SIGNS OF EXTREME ABUSE IN CHILDREN: I read something heartbreaking the other day and it reminded myself of what I went through growing up. I read about a 10 year old little girl that had been beaten at home, bullied terribly at school and elsewhere and sexually assaulted repeatedly. She took her own life at 10 years old. I was so heartbroken for her and moved to action to write my own story of growing up and published it last Friday. The whole point of airing my horrible childhood to the public was not to garner sympathy for me but to bring awareness to the lifelong and sometimes life ending effects of assaults on children. I would like parents and Grandparents alike to see and recognize the signs of terrible abuse like the ones I exhibited constantly growing up that were all ignored.I always looked around very quickly and constantly which is called hyper vigilance! I also never wanted to be touched. I was always afraid of my own shadow! My self esteem didn't exist and was so bad I couldn't function in social settings. I remember when I would get in social settings my eyes would water and I would want to run away! I am going to go through my childhood briefly and tell of the signs that I exhibited and also tell of why I couldn't overcome! My life has been a giant train wreck because I couldn't overcome.
My earliest memories were when I was about 3 or 4. I had a family member that didn't know her strength and was absolutely broken inside herself. When disciplined sometimes I was hit upside the head and my vision would blank out and all I could see was 'sheet lightning'. I was afraid of my own shadow because of this and was very passive. Kids would pick up on this and would bully and beat on me. When I had just turned 8 years old, two 13 year old boys started jumping me and would drag me into one of their basements. I would fight with all the strength in my little body but they were too much bigger and stronger- they would pretty much pulverize my face, then rape and sodomize me! This happened dozens of times over a year and a half. My Mom just told me that 'finally I was defending myself'. We moved away after that year and a half and the rape stopped but I would still get bullied and beaten until 9th grade when I grew to 5 foot 10 and it pretty much stopped. When I hit 18 I started weightlifting, vowing I would be so big and strong that no one would ever even challenge let alone beat me again! It worked as I became a competitive power lifter in the 80's for a while. The signs of incredible inner pain were ever present as I couldn't finish anything in my life and abused alcohol heavily until my 40's. I was prescribed opiates for back pain and immediately started abusing them right along with the alcohol to mask the pain. I suppressed the memories of the horrible rape until I hit 49 and something triggered it and it came back in VIVID detail just like it had just happened the day before. I remember everything including smells! The smell of that horrible basement and the pain of being pulverized, raped, and sodomized. The signs were these as a child: being afraid of everything and everyone. I couldn't function at school dances or other social gatherings because my self esteem didn't exist! When I was an adult I abused anything that made me feel better like alcohol and eventually opiates! I could never finish anything either like college even though a Professor told me I was intellectually gifted! I am pleading with everyone that reads this- watch your children for the signs of terrible abuse! I beg you to not let them go through what I did! My opiate use was so heavy 3 years ago along with the alcohol it changed my brain chemistry to the point where my personality was TOTALLY different! During that time I committed a crime that I will pay for in one form or another dearly for the rest of my life! I never knew a man could get this sad and I have battled depression my entire life! I am facing 10 to 15 years in prison for that crime that I would never had done sober! I cannot forgive myself and went off the deep end July 3rd after my life was threatened. I was in such despair from the guilt and sadness that I mixed comet cleanser and injected 1.5 CC's of it directly into the main vein on my left arm. The ER doctor told me that only the direct intervention of God prevented my death because that much chemicals should have killed me. There was blood in the syringe so I hit the vein and their was no pooling around the injection site. Again, I am begging you to watch for the signs so your children won't go through what I have! I love Christ and I know he has forgiven me but MY healing is a work in progress. There is peace with the Love, forgiveness, and Grace of Christ Jesus! We should bring our children to him for this love and peace that surpasses all understanding!!! God bless everyone who has taken the time to read this! I have attached photos of the wonderful blessings of God that are my Grandchildren and kids that I will never see again and it is my fault which is killing me inside every moment of every day!! The first picture was of me when I was 4 and was innocent- before most of the horrors began in earnest! Again, I didn't write this for sympathy- I hope to show parents and Grandparents the signs of extreme abuse to watch for.
SIGNS OF EXTREME ABUSE IN CHILDREN: I read something heartbreaking the other day and it reminded myself of what I went through growing up. I read about a 10 year old little girl that had been beaten at home, bullied terribly at school and elsewhere and sexually assaulted repeatedly. She took her own life at 10 years old. I was so heartbroken for her and moved to action to write my own story of growing up and published it last Friday. The whole point of airing my horrible childhood to the public was not to garner sympathy for me but to bring awareness to the lifelong and sometimes life ending effects of assaults on children. I would like parents and Grandparents alike to see and recognize the signs of terrible abuse like the ones I exhibited constantly growing up that were all ignored.I always looked around very quickly and constantly which is called hyper vigilance! I also never wanted to be touched. I was always afraid of my own shadow! My self esteem didn't exist and was so bad I couldn't function in social settings. I remember when I would get in social settings my eyes would water and I would want to run away! I am going to go through my childhood briefly and tell of the signs that I exhibited and also tell of why I couldn't overcome! My life has been a giant train wreck because I couldn't overcome.
My earliest memories were when I was about 3 or 4. I had a family member that didn't know her strength and was absolutely broken inside herself. When disciplined sometimes I was hit upside the head and my vision would blank out and all I could see was 'sheet lightning'. I was afraid of my own shadow because of this and was very passive. Kids would pick up on this and would bully and beat on me. When I had just turned 8 years old, two 13 year old boys started jumping me and would drag me into one of their basements. I would fight with all the strength in my little body but they were too much bigger and stronger- they would pretty much pulverize my face, then rape and sodomize me! This happened dozens of times over a year and a half. My Mom just told me that 'finally I was defending myself'. We moved away after that year and a half and the rape stopped but I would still get bullied and beaten until 9th grade when I grew to 5 foot 10 and it pretty much stopped. When I hit 18 I started weightlifting, vowing I would be so big and strong that no one would ever even challenge let alone beat me again! It worked as I became a competitive power lifter in the 80's for a while. The signs of incredible inner pain were ever present as I couldn't finish anything in my life and abused alcohol heavily until my 40's. I was prescribed opiates for back pain and immediately started abusing them right along with the alcohol to mask the pain. I suppressed the memories of the horrible rape until I hit 49 and something triggered it and it came back in VIVID detail just like it had just happened the day before. I remember everything including smells! The smell of that horrible basement and the pain of being pulverized, raped, and sodomized. The signs were these as a child: being afraid of everything and everyone. I couldn't function at school dances or other social gatherings because my self esteem didn't exist! When I was an adult I abused anything that made me feel better like alcohol and eventually opiates! I could never finish anything either like college even though a Professor told me I was intellectually gifted! I am pleading with everyone that reads this- watch your children for the signs of terrible abuse! I beg you to not let them go through what I did! My opiate use was so heavy 3 years ago along with the alcohol it changed my brain chemistry to the point where my personality was TOTALLY different! During that time I committed a crime that I will pay for in one form or another dearly for the rest of my life! I never knew a man could get this sad and I have battled depression my entire life! I am facing 10 to 15 years in prison for that crime that I would never had done sober! I cannot forgive myself and went off the deep end July 3rd after my life was threatened. I was in such despair from the guilt and sadness that I mixed comet cleanser and injected 1.5 CC's of it directly into the main vein on my left arm. The ER doctor told me that only the direct intervention of God prevented my death because that much chemicals should have killed me. There was blood in the syringe so I hit the vein and their was no pooling around the injection site. Again, I am begging you to watch for the signs so your children won't go through what I have! I love Christ and I know he has forgiven me but MY healing is a work in progress. There is peace with the Love, forgiveness, and Grace of Christ Jesus! We should bring our children to him for this love and peace that surpasses all understanding!!! God bless everyone who has taken the time to read this! I have attached photos of the wonderful blessings of God that are my Grandchildren and kids that I will never see again and it is my fault which is killing me inside every moment of every day!! The first picture was of me when I was 4 and was innocent- before most of the horrors began in earnest! Again, I didn't write this for sympathy- I hope to show parents and Grandparents the signs of extreme abuse to watch for.
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Still making it about YOU! Still blaming "brain chemistry" "opiates" "past life experiences", instead of your lust, for ruining and stealing a child's innocence, and now you want MORE sympathy, and blame me and others, for filling a syringe with drano? Simply pathetic!
Plus I thought you put those of us that gave you hard truths, and weren't buying your faux repentance, on ignore?
Plus I thought you put those of us that gave you hard truths, and weren't buying your faux repentance, on ignore?
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I have completely repented for what I have done and know I have received forgiveness from God but forgiving myself, after the realization of the pain and heartache I have caused my family, has proven impossible. If a person in crisis came to me I would show true Christian compassion that comes from the love of Christ and not judgment. I came looking for the kindness and love of Christ but you and the other guy are not of Christ because you showed judgment and severe harshness assuming I haven't repented nor thought of my Granddaughter and other family. I was on the edge and looking for love but instead received judgement! By judging me you and the other guy have put yourselves on the same level as Christ himself! You should be ashamed for almost driving a person in crisis over the edge!
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It was me that committed the sin but you show extreme ignorance of what brain chemistry does. A person's entire perceptions are formed by brain chemistry. Yes, I have accepted the fact that it was me who did this terrible thing and I alone bear the guilt. YOU, are guilty of putting yourself on the same level of Christ with your judgement and almost driving someone in crisis over the edge!
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Explain exactly how I have judged you. I have done the opposite several times now.
One side of your mouth says you take responsibility while the other says you stole her innocence because of “brain chemistry “.
How about all the people that have a drug or brain chemistry or have themselves been abused, that DON’T sexually abuse children?
One side of your mouth says you take responsibility while the other says you stole her innocence because of “brain chemistry “.
How about all the people that have a drug or brain chemistry or have themselves been abused, that DON’T sexually abuse children?
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I came to this site last week on the edge of suicide because the weight of guilt and worry about the damage I have done to my family had become unbearable. I hated myself for what I had done and couldn't forgive myself. I would like to leave you with this little bit of advice. If someone comes to this site on edge and asking for help don't be so vicious with them. You might drive them over the edge to suicide. After receiving your message and the one from the other person I had a syringe full of drano up to my arm and almost injected it which would have surely killed me. I know you don't understand how brain chemistry shapes how a person views reality! Bottom line is it was me that hurt my precious Step Granddaughter and it is me that has to live with the incredible pain of knowing I hurt someone so precious to me. All I can do now is hold her and the rest of my family up in prayer as I pay the price for my actions. I don't want to debate this further with you so please don't level any more criticism my way because I am still on edge and can't take much more. Thank you and God bless!
Yup. You said that earlier, but have yet to explain how we judged you. YOU, told us YOU stole the innocence SEVERAL TIMES from a child.
WE, said the Lord can, and will forgive, but you need to stop blaming drugs and "brain chemistry" for this horrific sin/crime. Explain how that's judging you?
Already explained that hating yourself accomplishes nothing except a plea for self pity. If that is you in your pic, it makes the whole matter worse, that you were in law enforcement and perpetrated this crime against a child.
But think about this. IF, you are sticking with brain chemistry being the reason you committed sex acts against a child before, why should you EVER be released? You are going to have the same brain when you get out. You couldn't control yourself as an officer. Why would anyone think you could control yourself again? Because you feel REEEEAAL bad about what you did?
Just so you know, YOU don't get to control what other people say. I WILL pray for you. That you take FULL responsibility with NO "yeah buts" and the THEN the Lord take away your guilty condemnation feelings.
WE, said the Lord can, and will forgive, but you need to stop blaming drugs and "brain chemistry" for this horrific sin/crime. Explain how that's judging you?
Already explained that hating yourself accomplishes nothing except a plea for self pity. If that is you in your pic, it makes the whole matter worse, that you were in law enforcement and perpetrated this crime against a child.
But think about this. IF, you are sticking with brain chemistry being the reason you committed sex acts against a child before, why should you EVER be released? You are going to have the same brain when you get out. You couldn't control yourself as an officer. Why would anyone think you could control yourself again? Because you feel REEEEAAL bad about what you did?
Just so you know, YOU don't get to control what other people say. I WILL pray for you. That you take FULL responsibility with NO "yeah buts" and the THEN the Lord take away your guilty condemnation feelings.
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