How to be a wife?

[Deanna7]

Hi everyone, this is my second post and I'm doing some soul searching with my life. I have decided that I need to be closer to Christ, how am I going to do this? I do not know yet, but in my search I have come face to face with some harsh realities.

I have been married twice. I left my 2nd husband about a year ago, we just fought to much and it was to much of a headache for me, but we have stayed faithful to each other, and we do talk everyday we just do not live together anymore. Last night I started reading some scriptures about marriage, and it made me think....

Maybe I do not take marriage seriously, its easier to just walk out, my parents divorced, and out of 7 children only 1 has not divorced. I have no friends that are still on their first marriage, a couple are thinking about ending their third.

Maybe I don't know how to be a wife, maybe I do not know what real commitment is, my husband who was brought up Catholic says he will not agree to a divorce, and will fight me on it because in his mind marriage is for life, he did not abuse me, we did not have affairs, he provided for us, I guess when it comes down to it when things get tough I bail.

I guess what I am trying to say here is ....

When your marriage is spinning out of control how do you keep yourself from walking out the door?
Why is it some people know how to be married and others dont?

Maybe that's whats wrong with us, not putting myself down here but to be honest ....I do not know how to be a wife or how to be married.

Thanks for letting me babble

 

[Fenner]

I really think you would benefit in seeing a psychologist, who can help you understand why your run when trouble arises.

In marriage there is going to be times that are tough. When you're first together there is always that excitement of this new love, by the time you marry them you should know them well, but there is still that new feeling. Adjusting in my first year of marriage was tough for me. I was pretty selfish. Sharing a bank account, learning we all have quirks, learning to live with another human being and putting them first sometimes. It's a big adjustment.

Then when or if you have children there are added pressures from that. I had to get some help myself. Many things from my past came back to haunt me and I was like you, just easier to run. But I knew that wasn't going to help.

When my marriage is spinning here is what I try to remember, it's a temporary situation, things will get better. You have a partner, you need to tell them how you're feeling. If you're scared tell them, if you feel like the only way out is to run tell them. Marriage is a partnership, it's not going to work if only one of you is emotionally there. Also I know the grass is not always greener on the other side. You've been divorced before, that couldn't have been easy.

I don't know if anyone has some perfect laid out marriage plan, if they do I wish they'd give it to me because sometimes instead of dealing with it, sure it would be easy to just say adios. But you've invested yourself in the person and I hope love them, do you really just want to say goodbye to all that? I also know I've made a promise to God, my husband and myself. That's very important to me.

It sounds like this man loves you. Unless there is some sort of abuse involved, try to work this out. I really hope you seek some sort of counseling to find out how to cope when times get tough. Before I had kids when my Husband and I would fight, I would run out the door and take a ride to where ever to think. He'd be at home panicking. That wasn't fair to him. I don't do that anymore it's tempting, but it's better to work it out then just run.

Something from your past is making you do this, it would be good to deal with that and you'll feel better when you do.

God Bless.

 

[ww_21]

I have no solid advice for you simply because I've never been married myself for how would I be a good wife?

- be kind and loving to my husband
-spend time with him - do things that interest him
- talk things out if a problem arises
-stick with it you're married so you must love him never walk out
- be his support system

 

[biscuit]

Hi everyone, this is my second post and I'm doing some soul searching with my life. I have decided that I need to be closer to Christ, how am I going to do this? I do not know yet, but in my search I have come face to face with some harsh realities.

I have been married twice. I left my 2nd husband about a year ago, we just fought to much and it was to much of a headache for me, but we have stayed faithful to each other, and we do talk everyday we just do not live together anymore. Last night I started reading some scriptures about marriage, and it made me think....

Maybe I do not take marriage seriously, its easier to just walk out, my parents divorced, and out of 7 children only 1 has not divorced. I have no friends that are still on their first marriage, a couple are thinking about ending their third.

Maybe I don't know how to be a wife, maybe I do not know what real commitment is, my husband who was brought up Catholic says he will not agree to a divorce, and will fight me on it because in his mind marriage is for life, he did not abuse me, we did not have affairs, he provided for us, I guess when it comes down to it when things get tough I bail.

I guess what I am trying to say here is ....

When your marriage is spinning out of control how do you keep yourself from walking out the door?
Why is it some people know how to be married and others dont?

Maybe that's whats wrong with us, not putting myself down here but to be honest ....I do not know how to be a wife or how to be married.

Thanks for letting me babble

If one's love is strong enough, then "compromising" should be sufficient. Some men & women don't want to or know how to compromise, and it is usually "my way or the highway."

 

[Ugly]

Most people in marriage, quite honestly, are selfish in their marriage. So many people want to come to marriage with a 'what can i get out of it?' attitude. But the right attitude is 'how can i serve this person?'. This goes for both men and women. Rather than two people trying to focus on themselves, two people need to give up their own wants and needs and focus on the others. And when two people come together this way you have two people taking care of each other. And this generates closeness, expresses love and strengthens the relationship. As long as you are serving yourself you will never be happy in a marriage because selfishness has no place in a marriage.

 

[Lucy68]

Wow...that's wonderful honesty . If it's any help, all couples struggle. That's why God made marriage a 'holy institution'...so we won't easily bail out when it gets tough. Because if you stick with it, you will learn amazing things.

There's a lot more going on in a marriage than what appears on the surface. I think mainly it's learning to put someone else above yourself. When done the way God intends, marriage can teach us what self-sacrifice really means. (But it doesn't mean being a doormat for the other person.)

Husband and wife work together to hold themselves, and each other, accountable to God's Will. So the relationship needs Christ right in the middle of it. And when children come along, the glue that is holding the parents together, holds the family together. Divorce is very hard on children...for some reason they think they are the cause of the divorce and their universe unravels quickly. They may appear indifferent but inwardly they are falling apart.

Every problem has a solution. But when you're living apart or not talking to each other, that solution will never be found. A long term relationship with your spouse is definitely worth the hard work. I see so many unhappy divorced people who seem to go from one relationship to another but never build up the 'equity' that comes with sticking with one person. I've heard that love is a 'choice' and that has really helped me to love my husband more. I know I can choose to love or not to love. It's making my will do what I want it to; which, if I'm living close to Christ, is also God's Will. The investments we make into long term relationships, especially with our spouses and children, can make us very wealthy people . It isn't easy, or always fun, but very worthwhile. Most worthwhile things take hard work.

I think it was Abraham Lincoln that said people are as happy as they decide to be. This from a person who had one of the saddest faces I've ever seen.

Praying for you and your husband...may the Holy Spirit bring love, forgiveness, understanding, and determination into your lives .

 

[RedTent]

I think you need to close out all that is in your mind, now, about what marriage is and look at it from only God's point of view. If your husband knows God, what a blessing! You could do it together. Then put your marriage under God.

The basic idea of marriage is in the line "and the two shall become one". Included in that is that the marriage itself is above what each of you are, individually. Two very opposite people can unite, so each of their talents are used for the marriage, but not to fight for one talent to have power over the other.

Often marriage is a power struggle, and that is not how God planned it. God gave each partner specific roles to play in the marriage, each equal in importance. The male is to be the leader, and the female is to support the leader all she can. Both are expected to give themselves so completely to that support of the other that the other's welfare is greater than their own.

If you search the scriptures together and follow the advice for marriage given there, the marriage will work. For years and years the Hebrews who didn't even know Christ as the Messiah, used this for marriages that they didn't chose but were chosen for them by the parents. Jews living in the middle ages before they lost their reverence led the Christians, even, in showing love, happiness, and caring in their marriage. The women looked for ways to support the husband. The husband was very involved in the domestic operation of the home, for he was part of the domestic work to prepare for Sabbath. Part of the Sabbath celebration was a song based on Proverbs 31 to praise and honor the wife. Justice and kindness were so integrated into the Hebrew mind that they didn't even enjoy hunting animals in a world that glorified hunting as a hobby.

 

[presidente]

Maybe I don't know how to be a wife, maybe I do not know what real commitment is, my husband who was brought up Catholic says he will not agree to a divorce, and will fight me on it because in his mind marriage is for life, he did not abuse me, we did not have affairs, he provided for us, I guess when it comes down to it when things get tough I bail.

I guess what I am trying to say here is ....

When your marriage is spinning out of control how do you keep yourself from walking out the door?
Why is it some people know how to be married and others dont?

Maybe that's whats wrong with us, not putting myself down here but to be honest ....I do not know how to be a wife or how to be married.

Thanks for letting me babble

II Corinthians 10 talks about casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of Christ. This is a part of the warfare Paul was engaged in. He says that the weapons of our warfare are mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds.

You may have a stronghold in your mind, the way you think about marriage. if divorce over 'tough times' is an option, you are thinking about marriage wrong. Read what Jesus had to say about marriage in Matthew 5 and 19, and the commandment of the Lord about it in I Corinthians 7. Pray about your mindset, and then resolve not to speak contrary to what the scriptures say on the matter. Resolve not to mention divorce, and if you do, confess your sin to God and apologize to your husband.

My wife has mentioned 'the d word' a few times in our marriage when she got angry, usually during times of great stress for her.. She knows better than to do it, and she apologized. It is not a normal thing, but it has happened. If she does, I don't agree with her. I might rebuke or admonish her for it, or just argue back. "No you won't, because you know that's not right." That's worked before. My wife wants to please the Lord, though, so if she does something wrong, she tries ot make it right.

If you both know you are committed to one another, a little stress doesn't make it seem like the marriage is spinning out of control. If you know the marriage isn't going anywhere, then you don't stress out about the marriage being out control. You get past the rough patch, and keep on going.

 

[Angela53510]

It sounds like you two are still friends. And that your husband does not want a divorce. So you have something to work with.

You obviously have identified there is a problem in your mind set, about marriages, because of your family and friends making divorce so common and easy.

So if you are a Christian, you need to search for yourself in God's Word what God says about divorce. You also need some help for you individually, and as a couple with counseling.

God is in the transforming business. He can change both you, and your husband. He can also save this marriage. It may mean a lot of work to find where all the anger is coming from.

I don't know if you know this, but anger is actually described as a sin in the Bible.

"Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, [SUP]20 [/SUP]idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, [SUP]21 [/SUP]envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God" Gal 5:19-21

I saw this in the Bible the year after I became a Christian, on one of my first read through the Bible in a year plans. I had given up the occult, drinking and everything I thought was against God's Word. But in my birth family everyone yelled and had tempers. I thought that was normal.

So I prayed God would take away my temper. It took 30 years, and still not perfect. Every time you shout in anger at your husband, you are in the same category as drunks, witches and those who commit sexual immorality! What a shock that was to me!

One book that I highly recommend, is called "Peacemaker" by Ken Sande. It goes through all the Bible verses about getting along with people, and God changing us from the inside out. It was the turning point in my battle to not lose my temper, especially about nothing.

Praying you get back together with you husband, after some counseling. God is in the reconciliation business, and he can reconcile you to your husband, and restore your marriage.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. [SUP]18 [/SUP]All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; [SUP]19 [/SUP]that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. [SUP]20 [/SUP]Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. [SUP]21 [/SUP]For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Cor. 5:17-21

 

[GodisGlorious]

Hi

Ask God to make you the wife he wants you to be. Ask him for help on how to serve your husband in love. Ask him for help on how to manage your own emotions and thoughts. Ask him for help to communicate effectively , openly, honestly with your husband so you won't be pushed into fighting and arguing.

Let God start with you!

God bless

 

[brokenclay]

Thank you sister. I wish my wife would read this. I need to practice these principles as well. I really botched up last night. Blessings; Larry.

Hi

Ask God to make you the wife he wants you to be. Ask him for help on how to serve your husband in love. Ask him for help on how to manage your own emotions and thoughts. Ask him for help to communicate effectively , openly, honestly with your husband so you won't be pushed into fighting and arguing.

Let God start with you!

God bless

 

[firstaider_2010]

Hi
I was a wife for 26 years. I am widowed now. Do what the Bible says and do your best.
Why divorce? try to work it out? come to a compromise! save the marriage!
best wishes
Firstaider_2010