Sunshine-debbie, as I read through your posts I see you continue to say how little value you have in yourself. It is a good thing to be humble, but being humble is about the greatness of God Our Father. Not beating yourself up. Just as you believe in God Our Father you need to believe in how beautiful , cherished, valued and Loved you are to him. He wants you to not only believe in him but to believe in his love for you. Believeing is seeing, have faith in all his promises. H is Love, his value of you, his joy in you, his son Jesus's sacrifice for you. So much more it would take a book to say. The bible is a good start.
You see, your heart and soul are out of shape, to much hurt and fear and lack of self value is the only exersize it knows. So you need to begin with the faith, Jesus's gift, and start to get in shape by exersizeing his love for you. Read his word, continually tell your self how much God loves you. Continue to say Jesus my Lord is my shield, my protector, exersize telling and claiming the love and value that God has for you.
Throw away the old self hate and the abuse and embrace the workout of Gods love.
Your Parents gave you an exersize of abuse.
God Our Father wants to give you his exersize of perfect love and value.
He will be the father to you that is perfect. He also has a wonderful sence of humor. I myself love humor.
I know you struggle now to feel and know all of the Love that Jesus and Our Father in heaven have for you. But I see it, I can feel it rushing towards you.
If you knew how much a big chiken I am you would know the mirical in just my writing this. Lots of the Holy Spirit's power here. Also his Holy spirit Is your protector and comforter.
If you are not sure where to start in the Bible psalms and the book of John I think speak volumes of Gods powerful love and protection. Also in psalms you will see how many in the past struggled with fear and sorrow also.
I also want to say that when you say that God is testing you after you try to trep forward in faith? I think it is just the world trying to discourage you. So claim the protection of Our Lord God in the name of Jesus Our Lord and savior. Command it to leave you and never return. Then ask Jesus to fill you with the protective power of his holy spirit. I am already praying this for you also.
You are so very loved by Our Father in heaven, His son Jesus and comforted by his holy spirit. God has made you perfect, have faith in this and you will see it.
Always in my prayers, God bless, pickles