Why do I feel bad accepting his help?

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Lady_Red

Guest
#1
#1
Brief synopsis to catch you up in case you haven't read my previous posts:

Husband had cheated total of 6 times. Last one was whill I had surgery and recovering. He has been gone almost 5 weeks now. This last two weeks he has been coming once or twice a week to fix car, treat lawn, bring stuff for his cat. Fyi, he is staying with his mom and can't have cat.

He has already told me he doesn't want to work on our marriage and will sign papers. He hasn't said anything during these visits to make me believe he has changed his mind about that. I haven't changed my mind either. I don't deserve to keep going through this.

So, my original quesrion... Why do I feel guilty letting him come and help? I still can't work from surgery and I have no income so I am thankful he is sending money and buying some things we need and doing physical stuff I can't do but I feel guilt. Why??? I am not giving him hope thst we are getting back together. Ugh!!!!!
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#2
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#2
Feel grateful that he is even willing to still help you out with money and physical stuff. Even if you DID give him hope of getting back together, he wouldn't think much of it because he has already (and more than once) made it clear to you that he doesn't want to be married, AND that he's not gonna stop cheating.. So be grateful. :) He could have left you high and dry, and let YOU tackle it all on your own.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#3
#3
Lady_Red said:
Brief synopsis to catch you up in case you haven't read my previous posts:

Husband had cheated total of 6 times. Last one was whill I had surgery and recovering. He has been gone almost 5 weeks now. This last two weeks he has been coming once or twice a week to fix car, treat lawn, bring stuff for his cat. Fyi, he is staying with his mom and can't have cat.

He has already told me he doesn't want to work on our marriage and will sign papers. He hasn't said anything during these visits to make me believe he has changed his mind about that. I haven't changed my mind either. I don't deserve to keep going through this.

So, my original quesrion... Why do I feel guilty letting him come and help? I still can't work from surgery and I have no income so I am thankful he is sending money and buying some things we need and doing physical stuff I can't do but I feel guilt. Why??? I am not giving him hope thst we are getting back together. Ugh!!!!!
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I was raised in an Irish Catholic family. Worse yet, Mom wasn't Irish nor was she raised in the Catholic Church. Her stepdad, (the only father she ever knew) was Catholic and, out of respect for her father,would not let her change to his religion while growing up, so she really worked at being Catholic without the ability to become Catholic. That means she worked at learning Irish Catholic guilt. (Not saying anything against the RCC, but there is something deep about being raised Irish Catholic when it comes to piling on guilt. Deeper when someone wants to be that.) And then the second she turned 18 she joined the Catholic Church and became even more Irish Catholic than my Irish Catholic side of the family.

I feel guilty if hubby stubs his toe on the coffee table, and I did absolutely nothing to cause that -- didn't move the table, didn't distract him, and I'm standing 15 feet away when he does it. I feel guilty if I pray for a sunny day for some silly reason, (like want to go watch a baseball game or want to work in my garden), and then find out someone else needed a rainy day for an equally obscure reason. I feel guilty that my younger sister got into drugs because I should have done something, and yet I was already married and living away from home with my own life before she was even born.

I excel at guilty. And the stupid part is I can't change a feeling. So, I have to differentiate between that kind of feeling and real guilt. Real guilt is when I sin and should feel guilty about it.

Sounds like you have the same problem. You "feel" guilty, but you haven't sinned.

Okay? You feel guilty but haven't sinned. Kind of like feeling tired after just waking up. Recognize it as just a feeling and then continue life without worrying about it. Because worrying about feeling guilty doesn't benefit in anyway anyway.

You know you're not sinning, so go about your life and let a feeling be just that -- some feeling.
 
R

RobbyEarl

Guest
#4
#4
IDK, I would have to know both sides before I could counsel or give any advice. Pray and trust God
 
N

NewWine

Guest
#5
#5
My thoughts are you feel guilty, because evil is taking an awkward situation and using it against you. Instead, try to rely on and allow God to lead you through the awkwardness and concerns, onto whatever is next for your life. You know you're not leading him on, and he's expressed he doesn't want to reconcile either, so keep your eyes open, but continue in faith. I know couples who made terrible spouses for each other, but awesome friends in the end, so only God knows. It's tough. Prayers for healing and guidance. Peace!!
 
M

MadParrotWoman

Guest
#6
#6
Lady_Red said:
Brief synopsis to catch you up in case you haven't read my previous posts:

Husband had cheated total of 6 times. Last one was whill I had surgery and recovering. He has been gone almost 5 weeks now. This last two weeks he has been coming once or twice a week to fix car, treat lawn, bring stuff for his cat. Fyi, he is staying with his mom and can't have cat.

He has already told me he doesn't want to work on our marriage and will sign papers. He hasn't said anything during these visits to make me believe he has changed his mind about that. I haven't changed my mind either. I don't deserve to keep going through this.

So, my original quesrion... Why do I feel guilty letting him come and help? I still can't work from surgery and I have no income so I am thankful he is sending money and buying some things we need and doing physical stuff I can't do but I feel guilt. Why??? I am not giving him hope thst we are getting back together. Ugh!!!!!
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You have nothing to feel guilty about.
 
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Lady_Red

Guest
#7
#7
Thank you, everyone, for your input. I totally agree with you, Depleted, I tend to feel bad even when things aren't my fault. I am not Catholic, just a low self esteem and am always trying to please everyone. I definitely need counseling to work on that.
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#8
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#8
It could be just more manipulation. You will find out when the attorneys get together to divide up the property. Divorce isn't cheap.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
L

Lady_Red

Guest
#9
#9
No attorneys. We have already divided everything.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#10
Mar 13, 2014
41,311
16,300
113
69
Tennessee
#10
Perhaps you are also feeling a sense of obligation to him for anything that he does for his former household. You are not the victim and should not feel guilty because he has weed -n- feed the lawn and brings things for his cat. He decided that he didn't care about the marriage the first time that he cheated on you so this is nothing new. You really need a divorce lawyer to advise and review the papers. No spouse deserves what he has put you through. This is not a good man.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#11
#11
Lady_Red said:
Thank you, everyone, for your input. I totally agree with you, Depleted, I tend to feel bad even when things aren't my fault. I am not Catholic, just a low self esteem and am always trying to please everyone. I definitely need counseling to work on that.
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Or... just accept you're like that, and don't worry about that either. Self-esteem isn't something God tells us we need to work on, so I don't think my self-esteem levels matter anymore than feelings that don't tell me what I should do. (I have no idea what my self-esteem levels are. lol)
 
G

GraceRevelation

Guest
#12
#12
Be happy that he's willing to help you out even though he's been an awful husband. You need the help and God's giving it to you even if it's using your husband. Once your able to do things on your own then you can move him out of your life and move on. You and God is all you need in life you don't need this guy or anyone that effects your life in such a negative way. Press into your daddy God and focus your eyes on Jesus which will give you strength and heal your wounds. Your confidence is to be in God and not in yourself, when our confidence is in ourselves you'll notice that it wavers. When it's in God which is a solid foundation you will feel stable, secure, loved, protected and completely assured that your daddy God has you and is leading you in the direction you need to go, spend lots of time with him and see the changes that will take place in your life!
Love ya God's beloved!
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#13
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,943
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#13
Maybe what he is doing to help you, is a glimmer of the man you loved. People, even unbelievers, are not all totally evil. I personally think you should be gracious in accepting his help. He may feel guilty about treating you so badly, and after all, he really does still have an obligation to care for you until you are officially divorced.

I certainly would not take him back, or feel guilty about not taking him back. Consider him someone who is trying to show you a bit of final respect, after blowing your marriage so totally. And don't feel guilty that he is taking care of you.

He is the one who should be feeling guilty about everything. But on the other hand, don't use this as an opportunity to take advantage of him. Instead, let him fulfill his obligations to you, without manipulation or getting re-involved with him.

My final suggestion is that this is a good time to get closer to God. Get out your Bible and read it daily. Talk to God in prayer. Attend a church where people care, and they won't judge you for having a husband who committed adultery on you. It is not your fault, never was and never will be.
 
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