-
Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.
If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!
To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
U
Whenever you're talking about marriage and add "if..." then it's already bad. If you won't marry someone for who they are, then you have no business being with them, let alone marrying.
One of the most common mistakes women make is expecting to change the man they marry. This leads to him resenting her for always trying to change him and her resenting him for not changing.
He doesn't want to marry, he doesn't want to change. He's not happy with you, or his life in general, or both. The answers here are quite obvious. Not sure if you're missing them or hoping you're wrong. But the reality is you Won't "marry him in a heartbeat". The fact that you will only marry him if he changes means you won't marry him because who he is now is who is is, not some version you have fabricated in your mind of who you wish he was. What you're living is memories, not a person.
One of the most common mistakes women make is expecting to change the man they marry. This leads to him resenting her for always trying to change him and her resenting him for not changing.
He doesn't want to marry, he doesn't want to change. He's not happy with you, or his life in general, or both. The answers here are quite obvious. Not sure if you're missing them or hoping you're wrong. But the reality is you Won't "marry him in a heartbeat". The fact that you will only marry him if he changes means you won't marry him because who he is now is who is is, not some version you have fabricated in your mind of who you wish he was. What you're living is memories, not a person.
T
The thing is a couple of years ago we both got saved. We go to church pretty much every Sunday. Things haven't always been this bad. The Christian part of me doesn't want to just give up on him. I could definitely give him the ultimatum though. And people do change. Not many but they do. My thing is I can't sit around and wait for him to change. I guess I'll see what I can do with me and my children and go from there. We'll see.
The Old Testament scriptures about offspring being clean or unclean is about disease. The son is not responsible for the sins of the father, nor is the father responsible for the sins of the son. Your children will not be judged for your sins on judgement day, but here on the earth they could be effected by your sins to the third or fourth generation- by means of things like health, financial, or relationships.
Of course the right thing would have been to marry before having children, but no one is perfect. We have all done what we should not have done. So how do you make it right now? Marry him. The Bible says if you cannot control yourself, you should marry, if you're not going to be celibate. You can't keep living in sin, and you can't choose another fornication partner. You're already a family, make it right. Don't use yours or his imperfections as an excuse.
Of course the right thing would have been to marry before having children, but no one is perfect. We have all done what we should not have done. So how do you make it right now? Marry him. The Bible says if you cannot control yourself, you should marry, if you're not going to be celibate. You can't keep living in sin, and you can't choose another fornication partner. You're already a family, make it right. Don't use yours or his imperfections as an excuse.
If I rescued a homeless child from the street, and brought them into my home, and nurtured them for five years, would it be wrong to put them back on the street and bring home a different child?
You had children with this man right? Many family bonds have been established. The right thing to do is marry him. You are basing your decision on your feelings instead of on God's Will. He's not like a shirt you can just throw out. "Well I don't know, do I still like this shirt? It's kinda stretched out and faded now. Maybe I should get a new shirt? Hmm idk, what do you think?"
You're question is rediculous- "Should I start obeying God about this, or should I try to find a new young love?"
If you're a Christian, the question is not "What would be pleasing to me?" The question is "What would be pleasing to God?"
T
I'm very much concerned about What God wants me to do. I Wouldn't be thinking long and hard about my decision and I wouldn't be on this posting my personal information now would I? And how would anyone else know what God wants for me. It was my desire to get with him in the first place. Now I'm waiting on an answer from GOD whether or not is it His will for me to marry this man or was it just my will all along.
Last edited by a moderator:
I personally think it would be a mistake to marry someone you are so uncertain about. I realize you were not saved in the beginning, but if you had married him then, when he was being so wonderful, would you have felt it necessary to stay with him, when he got negative and miserable?
You have a dilemma, there is no doubt about it. But only you can make this important life decision. One thing I can assure you of, it that each person has to follow Christ, what happened with their parents or grandparents does not affect their eternal destiny. God calls us as individuals, not as the children of Christians. Your children would not be "illegitimate" if you married, although these days, that doesn't seem to be an issue anymore, does it? As far as salvation, that is in the hands of God, and their legitimacy status does not affect it.
The fact is, the world lead you into this problem, with its lack of respect for marriage. The world will not lead you out, but it will lead you further astray. By consulting with Christians, you are making a good step forward. However, I see some good advice and some bad advice here. You do not HAVE to marry this man. You need to figure out what is best for you and the children. You need to examine what your commitment to this man was in the first place, and how has it changed?
Finances should not be the sole determining factor in deciding to marry him. That will only breed resentment and bitterness if you do marry for that reason. Because if he becomes more depressed and angry, and becomes abusive, you are really going to regret that you got trapped into a marriage that turns out to be more destructive than good.
Being sick adds another dimension to this issue, especially so young, and with children. What is the prognosis for your recovery? Do they think you will be able to get the Lyme out of your system? Or will you have problems the rest of your life? I have a cousin with Lyme disease, and she is very disabled. Her husband basically has to do everything. But she was not initially diagnosed correctly, or treated properly, your situation may be quite different.
In the end, this is more complex than some opinions here, or a list of pros and cons of your boyfriend. It really troubles me that he is angry and that he doesn't respect you. (Thinks he needs to make all the decisions, did I read?) Because if he is this young, it could get worse and worse.
With respect to the illness, many people don't handle their spouse or SO being sick very well. My husband actually become quite depressed in the early years I got RA. And I was depressed, so it was not a happy marriage, at that point. But, having been married for 20 years, with 4 children, divorce wasn't in our future. And, we did walk through it and out the other side.
The point being, you have no marriage commitment to keep on pushing through the hard times. You have no contract to stay together, in spite of your sickness, or your lack of contributing to the finances. I know that it something you cannot change. But, perhaps you need to work through what you want from your boyfriend, before you are willing to marry him. And you should marry him if you continue to sleep together and live together. And I know it is hard to walk away, given your circumstances.
Sorry I could not be more help - just trying to give you some feelings and thoughts about this difficult situation.
You have a dilemma, there is no doubt about it. But only you can make this important life decision. One thing I can assure you of, it that each person has to follow Christ, what happened with their parents or grandparents does not affect their eternal destiny. God calls us as individuals, not as the children of Christians. Your children would not be "illegitimate" if you married, although these days, that doesn't seem to be an issue anymore, does it? As far as salvation, that is in the hands of God, and their legitimacy status does not affect it.
The fact is, the world lead you into this problem, with its lack of respect for marriage. The world will not lead you out, but it will lead you further astray. By consulting with Christians, you are making a good step forward. However, I see some good advice and some bad advice here. You do not HAVE to marry this man. You need to figure out what is best for you and the children. You need to examine what your commitment to this man was in the first place, and how has it changed?
Finances should not be the sole determining factor in deciding to marry him. That will only breed resentment and bitterness if you do marry for that reason. Because if he becomes more depressed and angry, and becomes abusive, you are really going to regret that you got trapped into a marriage that turns out to be more destructive than good.
Being sick adds another dimension to this issue, especially so young, and with children. What is the prognosis for your recovery? Do they think you will be able to get the Lyme out of your system? Or will you have problems the rest of your life? I have a cousin with Lyme disease, and she is very disabled. Her husband basically has to do everything. But she was not initially diagnosed correctly, or treated properly, your situation may be quite different.
In the end, this is more complex than some opinions here, or a list of pros and cons of your boyfriend. It really troubles me that he is angry and that he doesn't respect you. (Thinks he needs to make all the decisions, did I read?) Because if he is this young, it could get worse and worse.
With respect to the illness, many people don't handle their spouse or SO being sick very well. My husband actually become quite depressed in the early years I got RA. And I was depressed, so it was not a happy marriage, at that point. But, having been married for 20 years, with 4 children, divorce wasn't in our future. And, we did walk through it and out the other side.
The point being, you have no marriage commitment to keep on pushing through the hard times. You have no contract to stay together, in spite of your sickness, or your lack of contributing to the finances. I know that it something you cannot change. But, perhaps you need to work through what you want from your boyfriend, before you are willing to marry him. And you should marry him if you continue to sleep together and live together. And I know it is hard to walk away, given your circumstances.
Sorry I could not be more help - just trying to give you some feelings and thoughts about this difficult situation.
T
Angela53510 Thank you!! And I completely agree with everything you said. I never married him. Last time I checked I didn't say I do and made that final promise. I don't feel that I 100% have to stay with him. And believe me if I did make that promise/commitment I would NOT divorce even if we were having problems. With that being said we aren't married. But because I care about marriage and making that right choice that's why I'm having this dilemma. I fear making a commitment that big and being unsure whether it was the best decision. I know i'm not the only one. Its such a huge commitment I have to live by for the rest of my life so forgive me if i'm so concerned about it. I'd rather be sure now then end in divorce. And my decision won't be based on money, or my sickness. It will be strictly based on how I see my future with him and of course a lot of prayers. And yes ma'am i'm very disabled from this disease. It gave me another disease called occipital neuralgia. Also a lot of nerve damage. I'm currently trying to get disability. It's a evil disease. It's kept me away from my kids a lot. Prayers for your cousin. I've had it for a few years but didn't become symptomatic until last year? Has she gotten any better with treatment? And thank you for the advice and not judging me! It's very appreciated!
I agree with OneFaith, theoretically.
But if I got the OP right, it seems that "he is not a Godly man" indicate that he is not Christian.
If it is so, we are forbidden to marry non-Christians. That would be the main reason for me to stay away from him, not that he is not in love anymore nor that he is frequently angry.
On the other hand, if he is a Christian and just have issues as we all have, what OneFaith said, applies, IMHO.
But if I got the OP right, it seems that "he is not a Godly man" indicate that he is not Christian.
If it is so, we are forbidden to marry non-Christians. That would be the main reason for me to stay away from him, not that he is not in love anymore nor that he is frequently angry.
On the other hand, if he is a Christian and just have issues as we all have, what OneFaith said, applies, IMHO.