need help with my marriage

[Soho]

I'm not sure what's going on, maybe it's been going on for awhile and I've been too busy to notice it. I feel like my husband and I have lost our bond. I'm questioning it more now than ever. We don't have much to talk about anymore, I feel like we've become strangers in a way. He has given me & provided me with more than I ever dreamed were possible but the one thing I'm longing for most is his love and affection. I've written him a letter pouring out my feelings to him, even purchasing two books, one for me & one for him by Dave & Ashley Willis thinking we could start fresh. But he kinda brushed it off. I'm not sure if it's just too late and we've just grown apart by now. I love my husband but I've lost that closeness with him. I feel like we are strangers to eachother. I feel like as a husband if he loved me he'd want to do something to save us. I mean I don't even know what to think anymore. I know there are things I need to change also, he's constantly saying I'm negative but I feel like my negativity comes from feeling unloved & unwanted by him. I don't know what else to do. I have no one to then to because the outside world thinks everything is perfect, but I feel so lonely, so alone when I should feel anything but this way.

 

[PrynceNY]

Sorry to hear you are having marriage issues. Perhaps you both should consider marriage counseling. So you can get to the root of the issues and figure out a resolution from there.

 

[tourist]

It sounds as if you are starved for intimate and romantic affection from your husband. I don't believe that your husband sees this as a need of yours. If your not doing so already I recommend daily prayer and devotion together and place God in the center of your marriage. Of course, he has to be willing to do this, and later on, look forward to the closeness that is a result.

Glad to have you as a member of our family. Hopefully, you will find support and encouragement on this site. You are not alone with this type of situation as there are many others experiencing the same thing including many members of this site. Looking forward to your posts. Welcome to CC.

 

[Depleted]

I'm not sure what's going on, maybe it's been going on for awhile and I've been too busy to notice it. I feel like my husband and I have lost our bond. I'm questioning it more now than ever. We don't have much to talk about anymore, I feel like we've become strangers in a way. He has given me & provided me with more than I ever dreamed were possible but the one thing I'm longing for most is his love and affection. I've written him a letter pouring out my feelings to him, even purchasing two books, one for me & one for him by Dave & Ashley Willis thinking we could start fresh. But he kinda brushed it off. I'm not sure if it's just too late and we've just grown apart by now. I love my husband but I've lost that closeness with him. I feel like we are strangers to eachother. I feel like as a husband if he loved me he'd want to do something to save us. I mean I don't even know what to think anymore. I know there are things I need to change also, he's constantly saying I'm negative but I feel like my negativity comes from feeling unloved & unwanted by him. I don't know what else to do. I have no one to then to because the outside world thinks everything is perfect, but I feel so lonely, so alone when I should feel anything but this way.

How about talking to him, instead of handing him things to read?

And how about giving him what he wants? He really has told you at least one thing he doesn't want -- the negativity. If you want love, give love without keeping track of who deserves what.

 

[Ariel82]

Your husband isn't responsible for making you happy. You are putting a burden on him that is too heavy for him to bear.

There is probably more going on in your life we don't know about.

I know from my own life and my own mistakes, when I put anyone or anything where God is suppose to be, I am disappointed and unhappy.

You look for your husband or yourself to fix it, but neither of You Have the power. Pray. Ask God for help.

Find out why you really arent happy. Not seeking blame, but seeking how to heal and help.

I have found when I put God back on His throne in my mind and heart. The world shifts back into focus. I don't expect the impossible from myself or others, but learn to trust God.

 

[Hungry]

I'm not sure what's going on, maybe it's been going on for awhile and I've been too busy to notice it. I feel like my husband and I have lost our bond. I'm questioning it more now than ever. We don't have much to talk about anymore, I feel like we've become strangers in a way. He has given me & provided me with more than I ever dreamed were possible but the one thing I'm longing for most is his love and affection. I've written him a letter pouring out my feelings to him, even purchasing two books, one for me & one for him by Dave & Ashley Willis thinking we could start fresh. But he kinda brushed it off. I'm not sure if it's just too late and we've just grown apart by now. I love my husband but I've lost that closeness with him. I feel like we are strangers to eachother. I feel like as a husband if he loved me he'd want to do something to save us. I mean I don't even know what to think anymore. I know there are things I need to change also, he's constantly saying I'm negative but I feel like my negativity comes from feeling unloved & unwanted by him. I don't know what else to do. I have no one to then to because the outside world thinks everything is perfect, but I feel so lonely, so alone when I should feel anything but this way.

I've got some answers for you. If you really want them, Private Message me. There is no point going into great detail if you don't. What you describe is exactly what my wife and I experience sometimes. God has given me some fantastic insight to what causes and how to correct this problem.

 

[Ariel82]

Is it just me, but having to private message a married man for martial advise, seems kind of creepy to me? Especially when the person asking for help is female. I can kind of understand if it was male.

Why can't the advice be given publically?

 

[Enow]

1 Corinthians 13:[SUP]3 [/SUP]And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

Even though you think you have done everything to show concern of lack of love from your husband & you believed you have gone overboard in expressing your love as well as concern towards your husbands, if you do not have Christ's love, it is nothing.

[SUP]4 [/SUP]Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,[SUP]5 [/SUP]Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;[SUP]6 [/SUP]Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;[SUP]7 [/SUP]Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.[SUP]8 [/SUP]Charity never faileth:

There is a difference between "wanting" romantic love and "giving" Christ's love; romantic love expects something in return, thus it is not Christ's love which expects nothing in return.

We wish for a happily ever after marriage or a match made in Heaven, but there is no such thing other than us being the bride to the Bridegroom in Heaven. There is no other glory of true love to be seen in Heaven.

Luke 20:[SUP]34 [/SUP]And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage:[SUP]35 [/SUP]But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage:[SUP]36 [/SUP]Neither can they die any more: for they are equal unto the angels; and are the children of God, being the children of the resurrection.

So if you wish to enjoy your marriage, count your blessings of what you do have; and not make yourself discontent over what you do not have.

1 Timothy 6:[SUP]6 [/SUP]But godliness with contentment is great gain.[SUP]7 [/SUP]For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.[SUP]8 [/SUP]And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.

Philippians 4:[SUP]4 [/SUP]Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.[SUP]5 [/SUP]Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.[SUP]6 [/SUP]Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.[SUP]7 [/SUP]And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.[SUP]8 [/SUP]Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.[SUP]9 [/SUP]Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

A suggestion would be to do the things he enjoy doing if you wish to spend more time with him, but do pray about this in trusting the Lord as your Good Shepherd to lead you in how to show His love towards your husband and to be content.

There are a lot of single virgin christians out there pining to give just plain love towards someone without the sex. So just imagine life being single if that will help you to be content with what you have in that you will always have opportunities to show true love towards your husband. There is no greater love than laying your life down for your friend.

 

[Ugly]

I'm not sure what's going on, maybe it's been going on for awhile and I've been too busy to notice it. I feel like my husband and I have lost our bond. I'm questioning it more now than ever. We don't have much to talk about anymore, I feel like we've become strangers in a way. He has given me & provided me with more than I ever dreamed were possible but the one thing I'm longing for most is his love and affection. I've written him a letter pouring out my feelings to him, even purchasing two books, one for me & one for him by Dave & Ashley Willis thinking we could start fresh. But he kinda brushed it off. I'm not sure if it's just too late and we've just grown apart by now. I love my husband but I've lost that closeness with him. I feel like we are strangers to eachother. I feel like as a husband if he loved me he'd want to do something to save us. I mean I don't even know what to think anymore. I know there are things I need to change also, he's constantly saying I'm negative but I feel like my negativity comes from feeling unloved & unwanted by him. I don't know what else to do. I have no one to then to because the outside world thinks everything is perfect, but I feel so lonely, so alone when I should feel anything but this way.

A couple issues I see is that there are two detrimental patterns.
The first one is a couple issue. Playing the blame game. You're negative. I'm negative because you're unloving. And round and round it goes. Who cares who started what? If you want to have a chance at saving your marriage stop shifting blame and own up to your part... Without blaming him. Just say 'you're right, I'm sorry, I'll work on that'. After all, are you more worried about being right, or keeping your marriage together? This seems to be a huge issue in marriages. Finger pointing. People unwilling to take the hit for the sake of keeping peace and wanting to ensure their 'loved' spouse knows all they have done to be wrong and that if they didn't do X you wouldn't do Y. It's petty and selfish.

The second issue I see is this notion of 'I can't talk to anyone because people think our marriage is perfect'. Well, whose fault is that? So now you have two people unable to get outside help and becoming increasingly selfish, just so they can maintain appearances. This dishonest and prideful attempt to maintain this false identification is making those games worse and probably adding to the existing get stress and problems.

If you want a chance to fix this it's time to get humble. Marriage is sacrifice and humility. It is serving and loving. You cant do any of that while pretending to be something you're not and worrying about fault.

Hopefully something good here helps you. It seems you genuinely love your husband, so it would be sad to see your marriage end. But it's up to you to start making changes and pray that he sees and follows suite. And maybe make your marriage better than ever with healthier attitudes and priorities.

 

[Hungry]

Is it just me, but having to private message a married man for martial advise, seems kind of creepy to me? Especially when the person asking for help is female. I can kind of understand if it was male.

Why can't the advice be given publically?

I really don't care where it's done. I'm just tired of spending time responding to posters who make an account, ask for advice then disappear. I'm not going to keep going back to this thread to check if she is interested in what I have to say. If she wants to know she can ask me. If you want to know, you can ask me. It's not a ten words or less response. I'm not trying to be creepy, I'm just busy. Way to call me out though, we are supposed to try to keep each other in check.

 

[Ariel82]

Okay, I want to know and promise to read your response. It might help others and I meet a lot of people who say similar things so it might help them to hear suggestions.

 

[Hungry]

I spend a lot of time in prayer and God explained many things to me. As much as humans like to elevate ourselves, we aren't all that difficult to understand when you take into consideration why and how God created us. We were created as workers to be stewards over creation. Our bodies and all of their functions are designed to adapt and populate. We all come with programming on our hard drives like a computer out of the box, as well the information we learn becomes part of the programming like downloading apps. Part of male programming is to dominate, for this function testosterone is used but not the exclusive tool. Women like in many other species aren't the alphas, they are the ones who are selective of the breeding and to find a strong male, to keep the species strong. Their programming is to be submissive to dominant males and care for the offspring. Humans have left their post for God but still have the programming. Men because of the way God created us desire to want to be the best and often this achieved through measurable accomplishments. Women still desire that sort of man but new programming causes them to compete with males and make them less submissive. If you take into consideration the hugely popular Fifty Shades of Grey it ignited a fire a women based on primal programming. The alpha male is hard to find these days. To make a long story short because I'm going to be late if I don't leave soon. Men feel the need to be accomplished, to dominate, to be respected, not loved. Women feel the need to be loved because of their programming. Men want a cheerleader, a help meet, not a competitor. They will protect and love the submissive female. There is way more to tell, but chew on that for now.

 

[Ariel82]

I agree that men desire respect and encouragement and women seek love and acceptance.

However both men and women have testosterone and estrogen...men have more testosterone and women more estrogen but the human body has both.

I believe men and women don't view the same situation the same way. Its one of the reasons I value both my sisters and brothers opinions when we discuss topics of great importance.

Some is not just a male or female thing but an individual person take also.

Will be interested in what else you learned to bridge the gap between husbands and wives.

 

[Sac49]

Is it just me, but having to private message a married man for martial advise, seems kind of creepy to me? Especially when the person asking for help is female. I can kind of understand if it was male.

Why can't the advice be given publically?

I agree, not just for the male/female thing, but it could help others also. If God has shown you something to help a marriage it should be shared with all as there are others who may be afraid to ask.

 

[mariner845]

When we put other people at the center of our life things will ultimately breakdown because people are not perfect and not meant to be our focus in life. When we put Christ at the center of our focus in life however our lives can be in balance. Christ is always comforting and loving and never forsakes us and when we set aside time for Him, He will begin to work in us for the better, changing our hearts to be more like His. Pray that your husband would also be led by The Lord and that He may work in His heart for the better as well. Most importantly focus on God and trust that your life is in the palm of His hand.

 

[Sac49]

Before anything you need to pray to God for help. You must be willing to allow God to control the relationship. God MUST be head of the household above either one of you. If you cannot accept this together then dont read on.

Communication is key. If you dont physically talk face to face nothing will be solved. Both parties must be willing to listen and both parties should be willing to accept constructive critism. I personally love constructive critism because others can see thing that i dont in myself. Dont "beat" the other person up but be loving in how you speak. Dont expect the other person to "change" if you yourself arent willing to also "change".

 

[Lionjudah]

Hello Soho, before you sleep with your husband don't let another night without spend time. Give him a kiss and be sweet to him hug him as if you can't hug for a year's. We Christians must submit ourselves to our husband. We must be sweeter than honey. Before you come to bed we need to smell good as wild rose. Try to become more sexy as considered beauty of Lebanon in the psalms. We need to be like girl of Solomon as sweet as honey. Give him sweet smile early in the morning as if you see God's face. hug him and say how much you love him. Tell to your son and daughter in front of him how much you love him. Lift him up. Try to become more adventurous with each other. Ask him don't be shy. Thanks.

 

[Hungry]

I agree that men desire respect and encouragement and women seek love and acceptance.

However both men and women have testosterone and estrogen...men have more testosterone and women more estrogen but the human body has both.

I believe men and women don't view the same situation the same way. Its one of the reasons I value both my sisters and brothers opinions when we discuss topics of great importance.

Some is not just a male or female thing but an individual person take also.

Will be interested in what else you learned to bridge the gap between husbands and wives.

The levels of testosterone between an alpha male and a female is substantial. As designed the male is dominant, the woman finds dominant male and submits or gives herself to him and he accepts her and loves her and provides for her and the children. Oxytocin and dopamine released during sex causes them to be "addicted" to each other. Although sex is supposed to be pleasurable, I don't think it was designed for entertainment, which it is treated as today. The more sex you have, the less pleasurable it becomes. Just like everything else in the body balance is constantly trying to be achieved. Too much pleasure, is like too much sugar. Your body becomes resistant to it, so the more sugar or pleasure is required to achieve the same "high". The sex programming that men and women download these days seriously damages the expectations and ultimately the ability to be addicted to your mate. By the time you are married your body has built up a resistance.

Since men (especially alpha males) loath people challenging them, any conflict results in seeing that person as an adversary. When it's a spouse who is constantly calling his authority into question he will never "love" that woman. He may be attracted to her and will have a comfort bond but he won't adore her. She should be nervous about any woman who comes along and shows her husband admiration and respect because that's what will get him excited, someone who makes him feel stronger.

When men are in their prime and looking to mate, testosterone is high and attractive to women. After they find a mate and have a few kids stress kicks in and lowers testosterone on purpose. This makes him more patient with the children, easier to get along with and less likely to be looking for another mate. Society has men thinking that sex is paramount, and you need to be sexy into your sixties and you need to keep your T ramped up, to keep your wife happy. This has him either feeling less desirable, weaker and depressed or he finds out how to get alpha again and makes him more concerned with being admired and desired. Instead of the focus for women to be on their family and giving her husband respect, it is often on her specifically and how she measures up not only to other women but also now to men in the workplace. This makes her more competitive and less submissive. She is told to be sexy and strong. Sitcoms reprogram us. Often the dad is overweight and unintelligent, the mom is attractive and dominant and the kids are running the show by way of lying and manipulation. We laugh it off as all conflict is resolved tidily within a half hour segment. The problem is that the mind can't distinguish fact from fiction and this becomes the learned norm. The big problem is that our base desires do not conform to this programming. The woman in real life would become increasingly frustrated and the man would become increasingly depressed. The kids would grow up void of gender identification as God designed.

God's design is flawless, however man corrupted the programming. I was a bit rushed and I know I could have made some spots clearer. Any more questions I would be happy to answer.