I have been on a rollercoaster these past weeks. I've had some highs when I could reach out and touch the sky, after some steep uphill climbs, followed by some stomach-churning drops, followed by a sense of relief as my rollercoaster slows and steadies a little - if only temporarily. I a left with a constant knot in my stomach though, and a tightness in my chest even after my racing heart slows down again.
I feel as though I have gone through at least half of the stages of moving on at least half a dozen times now in only four weeks. Every time I pick myself up, dust all the hurt off, and start to feel strong again - ready to get back to being myself and embracing things - something happens to push me rattling down that rickety old rollercoaster frame, grasping the unstable cart 'til my knuckles go white, praying I will find straight, horizontal ground soon.
I have let go of the toxic person in my life, the one I somehow fell in love with, leading to falling right into his arms just over a month ago now. The arms that weren't mine to fall into, and would never be. We've tried it all. We tried being friends and putting the whole thing behind us; acting as if it never happened. Ignoring the elephant in the room, and just pretending nothing had changed, when we both knew it had. That lasted all of a day before I realised it couldn't continue, and broke away for some distance. Things are happening at my youth club, and kids are coming that are very significant to me - some of whom I never dreamed I'd see again. And now they're here, and I can be there for them and watch them grow, and it just fills my heart so much. He left youth stuff, supposedly of his own accord, so I was free to stay as a result. Now he is possibly going to be employed to run everything, which is a massive problem for me, which will become clear soon.
After a week of no more contact, I met with a trusted friend who is separate from this circle of people and has no clue of him; and I ended up pouring my heart to her. She was a real God send for me, and gave me the courage to let this go and the clarity to know it was OK to let him go. He has no place in my life, and I in his. That very night he messaged me to invite me out for drinks as a special occasion for one of our mutual, close friends. I surprised myself by having the strength to say no, which he didn't like. I was worried I would cave and change my mind by the time the actual night came around but again I surprised myself and left it well alone for once.
I laid things out for him, and explained that I couldn't do this - being part of each others life, not right now anyway. I needed time and space to let it FULLY go and move on properly. If I rushed it, it would only delay things and it would linger. He gave me a whole speel about how he is depressed and really struggling with faith and of course I fell right back into his hands. He knows me well enough to know this too. He knows I would never turn away from him when he is vulnerable and needing support. We talked quite a while after that, before going to bed at last. It felt like a piece of the bridge was gapped and we were gonna be OK some day. Eventually.
Then came the odd messages, about random things here and there. Usually youth stuff. Sometimes his struggles. When he was low, I poured my heart into words of encouragement, reassurance, comfort, motivation - all sorts of things. I prayed more for him than anything else in the days and weeks around this. I even convinced myself that maybe it was God - my loving Heavenly Father, who only wants the best for me - that kept drawing us back together, so that I could be a friend to him and help him through his pain. That was the purpose to all this. In hindsight, I was being manipulated and God had no part in it. Satan was working full force, on both me and him; dragging us down deeper and deeper into the dark pit we have been digging for ourselves. God would never want this for me; this kind of draining, secretive relationship. One day he messaged me to say he had left his phone with his girlfriend and so had to delete my last message without reading it, and it hit me how deceitful this was. It was no innocent friendship; one friend supporting another through a hard time. He had to delete our conversation to hide it. I was a secret, even in this.
I kept more of a distance, and we went another week without talking. Then he came through again; when I was feeling better than I had since before this all started. I hadn't been to my home church but had visited others to see if somewhere appealed, and finally I felt ready to come back to my own. If he was even there, I could ignore him or if he came near me I would respond politely but with a safe wall up. He messaged me, I can't even remember what about now; and I mentioned I would be at church again. He made jokes about sitting with me whether I liked it or not, and I couldn't decide whether that would make me unhappy or happy. I started to waver AGAIN. I left it and said no more on the subject. I got in touch with a friend actually and asked her if I could go with her and sit with her since I'd had a situation with a friend and was really nervous about going alone and she was gracious and supportive, and it really helped me feel more confident about going.
Then came the weekend, and youth club. It was great, and I had more special guests that I have missed so much - and have prayed for from afar for so long now. Just waiting for them to come back, and they did! But then things got ugly. I had worked hard on our photo board with a couple of other leaders, and he came to see it when he heard. He then sent me a nasty, insulting message. He called me ugly names, and accused me of deliberately cutting him out of photos like some unhinged, bitter person. I was in shock. I didn't know what to say. Then it all collided inside of me. I had had enough. Something broke in me that night and I flipped. I told him how hurtful it was that he would think I would do something so mean and hateful, when I have given him so much and been supportive, even when it was hurting me so much to give these things to him. That I had been encouraging him and praying consistently over him from the sidelines of his life where he dropped me. I told him to leave me alone and I was done with this craziness. He then turned around and said to calm down, he was only joking and called me crazy. As usual, no apology for being so cruel (I won't even repeat the messages he sent me) - even if it was a joke it was a bad one. But I don't believe it was a joke at all, the way he carried on. I think he is that paranoid, and self-centred. To look at a board celebrating all of our amazing young people and only see himself in it. Photos were cut, but not by me, to fit the display. He could well have been cut in one, maybe more, I honestly don't know as it wasn't my focus when I was putting it up.
I realised that when he pushed me out to the sidelines of his life, after drawing me right into his personal space, I should have kept on walking until I wasn't in sight of him at all. Instead I hovered on those sidelines, and let myself be available to be manipulated and played over and over. At the start he could plead ignorance, but after many chats and explanations from me, he knew full well what was in my heart. He exploited that, to suit himself, and only himself. He couldn't care any less about me if he tried.
I removed him from all social media (I had already removed him from my phone). I don't know if he has even noticed yet. I am so scared to go to church tomorrow night now, in case he is cruel to me again but in person this time. I know he was wrong to talk to me like that and to be mean when I have given him so much of myself these past weeks and tried to help him even when it was so painful. But I still feel crazy for reacting when he said all that to me, and I feel embarrassed for defending myself. I don't want him to look at me as some crazy, irrational girl. Even when I told him how hurt I was, he just bit back with more nastiness. I told him it killed me that I think so much of him even after everything, and he thinks so painfully little of me. He doesn't care. He is so toxic for me, I can see that - I can FEEL it. I need to stay strong enough to fight off any more attacks of the devil; he has clearly found my biggest weakness.
I need God more than ever, and I know He still holds me in His hands even though I can't feel it right now. I feel like I am unravelling, and have lost myself. I chipped away pieces here and there, and made myself so small for someone who has no regard for me at all. I feel so broken and undone. I can't remember the last time I felt this worn out and used up. I have to believe that this is the place where God can do amazing things in me and transform me into something so much better than what I have been. I have to believe I will be like the butterfly, and after this period of darkness and waiting, I will emerge and have my wings to fly. This will just be a story of growth and change - a victory won. I have to believe that or I will shatter completely.
If you are going to comment on this blog, PLEASE be kind and gentle, or pass on by. Just this once, go easy on me. I know constructive criticism and hard truths are needed sometimes, and I normally welcome them, but at this point I just can't take it.
I feel as though I have gone through at least half of the stages of moving on at least half a dozen times now in only four weeks. Every time I pick myself up, dust all the hurt off, and start to feel strong again - ready to get back to being myself and embracing things - something happens to push me rattling down that rickety old rollercoaster frame, grasping the unstable cart 'til my knuckles go white, praying I will find straight, horizontal ground soon.
I have let go of the toxic person in my life, the one I somehow fell in love with, leading to falling right into his arms just over a month ago now. The arms that weren't mine to fall into, and would never be. We've tried it all. We tried being friends and putting the whole thing behind us; acting as if it never happened. Ignoring the elephant in the room, and just pretending nothing had changed, when we both knew it had. That lasted all of a day before I realised it couldn't continue, and broke away for some distance. Things are happening at my youth club, and kids are coming that are very significant to me - some of whom I never dreamed I'd see again. And now they're here, and I can be there for them and watch them grow, and it just fills my heart so much. He left youth stuff, supposedly of his own accord, so I was free to stay as a result. Now he is possibly going to be employed to run everything, which is a massive problem for me, which will become clear soon.
After a week of no more contact, I met with a trusted friend who is separate from this circle of people and has no clue of him; and I ended up pouring my heart to her. She was a real God send for me, and gave me the courage to let this go and the clarity to know it was OK to let him go. He has no place in my life, and I in his. That very night he messaged me to invite me out for drinks as a special occasion for one of our mutual, close friends. I surprised myself by having the strength to say no, which he didn't like. I was worried I would cave and change my mind by the time the actual night came around but again I surprised myself and left it well alone for once.
I laid things out for him, and explained that I couldn't do this - being part of each others life, not right now anyway. I needed time and space to let it FULLY go and move on properly. If I rushed it, it would only delay things and it would linger. He gave me a whole speel about how he is depressed and really struggling with faith and of course I fell right back into his hands. He knows me well enough to know this too. He knows I would never turn away from him when he is vulnerable and needing support. We talked quite a while after that, before going to bed at last. It felt like a piece of the bridge was gapped and we were gonna be OK some day. Eventually.
Then came the odd messages, about random things here and there. Usually youth stuff. Sometimes his struggles. When he was low, I poured my heart into words of encouragement, reassurance, comfort, motivation - all sorts of things. I prayed more for him than anything else in the days and weeks around this. I even convinced myself that maybe it was God - my loving Heavenly Father, who only wants the best for me - that kept drawing us back together, so that I could be a friend to him and help him through his pain. That was the purpose to all this. In hindsight, I was being manipulated and God had no part in it. Satan was working full force, on both me and him; dragging us down deeper and deeper into the dark pit we have been digging for ourselves. God would never want this for me; this kind of draining, secretive relationship. One day he messaged me to say he had left his phone with his girlfriend and so had to delete my last message without reading it, and it hit me how deceitful this was. It was no innocent friendship; one friend supporting another through a hard time. He had to delete our conversation to hide it. I was a secret, even in this.
I kept more of a distance, and we went another week without talking. Then he came through again; when I was feeling better than I had since before this all started. I hadn't been to my home church but had visited others to see if somewhere appealed, and finally I felt ready to come back to my own. If he was even there, I could ignore him or if he came near me I would respond politely but with a safe wall up. He messaged me, I can't even remember what about now; and I mentioned I would be at church again. He made jokes about sitting with me whether I liked it or not, and I couldn't decide whether that would make me unhappy or happy. I started to waver AGAIN. I left it and said no more on the subject. I got in touch with a friend actually and asked her if I could go with her and sit with her since I'd had a situation with a friend and was really nervous about going alone and she was gracious and supportive, and it really helped me feel more confident about going.
Then came the weekend, and youth club. It was great, and I had more special guests that I have missed so much - and have prayed for from afar for so long now. Just waiting for them to come back, and they did! But then things got ugly. I had worked hard on our photo board with a couple of other leaders, and he came to see it when he heard. He then sent me a nasty, insulting message. He called me ugly names, and accused me of deliberately cutting him out of photos like some unhinged, bitter person. I was in shock. I didn't know what to say. Then it all collided inside of me. I had had enough. Something broke in me that night and I flipped. I told him how hurtful it was that he would think I would do something so mean and hateful, when I have given him so much and been supportive, even when it was hurting me so much to give these things to him. That I had been encouraging him and praying consistently over him from the sidelines of his life where he dropped me. I told him to leave me alone and I was done with this craziness. He then turned around and said to calm down, he was only joking and called me crazy. As usual, no apology for being so cruel (I won't even repeat the messages he sent me) - even if it was a joke it was a bad one. But I don't believe it was a joke at all, the way he carried on. I think he is that paranoid, and self-centred. To look at a board celebrating all of our amazing young people and only see himself in it. Photos were cut, but not by me, to fit the display. He could well have been cut in one, maybe more, I honestly don't know as it wasn't my focus when I was putting it up.
I realised that when he pushed me out to the sidelines of his life, after drawing me right into his personal space, I should have kept on walking until I wasn't in sight of him at all. Instead I hovered on those sidelines, and let myself be available to be manipulated and played over and over. At the start he could plead ignorance, but after many chats and explanations from me, he knew full well what was in my heart. He exploited that, to suit himself, and only himself. He couldn't care any less about me if he tried.
I removed him from all social media (I had already removed him from my phone). I don't know if he has even noticed yet. I am so scared to go to church tomorrow night now, in case he is cruel to me again but in person this time. I know he was wrong to talk to me like that and to be mean when I have given him so much of myself these past weeks and tried to help him even when it was so painful. But I still feel crazy for reacting when he said all that to me, and I feel embarrassed for defending myself. I don't want him to look at me as some crazy, irrational girl. Even when I told him how hurt I was, he just bit back with more nastiness. I told him it killed me that I think so much of him even after everything, and he thinks so painfully little of me. He doesn't care. He is so toxic for me, I can see that - I can FEEL it. I need to stay strong enough to fight off any more attacks of the devil; he has clearly found my biggest weakness.
I need God more than ever, and I know He still holds me in His hands even though I can't feel it right now. I feel like I am unravelling, and have lost myself. I chipped away pieces here and there, and made myself so small for someone who has no regard for me at all. I feel so broken and undone. I can't remember the last time I felt this worn out and used up. I have to believe that this is the place where God can do amazing things in me and transform me into something so much better than what I have been. I have to believe I will be like the butterfly, and after this period of darkness and waiting, I will emerge and have my wings to fly. This will just be a story of growth and change - a victory won. I have to believe that or I will shatter completely.
If you are going to comment on this blog, PLEASE be kind and gentle, or pass on by. Just this once, go easy on me. I know constructive criticism and hard truths are needed sometimes, and I normally welcome them, but at this point I just can't take it.
