Facing darkness as a child

This is not a happy post, fair warning! I just feel like sharing this. It's about feelings I had during my childhood. Can anyone relate? ...



This spinning dark place. This loneliness.
As a child I was scared many times. Scared deeply. I thought of hell and the devil. I saw visions in blue when I closed my eyes. I had dark dreams. I felt one night, probably more than one night, that something was trying to possess me. Something was trying to get inside. So I muttered phrases and fidgeted to keep it outside of me, to fight.
I came to a place early in my life where I realized my parents couldn't protect me from the feelings, from the darkness, the fear, the tormenting thoughts and sensations. They could hold me and sing me to sleep, but they couldn't reach inside of my and fight my battles inside. It was in my heart that I was truly alone. It was in my soul and mind that I was an orphan, exposed to the cold wind and the wolves.
The thoughts and feelings were something I had to face alone. For many years I was unprepared for that battle.
Jesus has been my only hope for peace inside.

What? Honestly I can not relate to visions of Satan. But I can relate to being a screwed up child. At age 10 I was bulimic, by 15 I was in a hospital for dope; finally got clean at 18 when I got saved. Was living with my boyfriend at 16 got married at 18 (in July) 1990) He was murdered in Dec. 2ed 1990.

I have lived more than a lifetime since then, 1991, when I got Saved. And YES, Y-SHUA is the only hope!!!! See, I do not know how old you are but in 27 years I have walked close, backslidden, walked close again, backslidden again, waliked close again....

The backslidden times are like losing a life's worth of good... G-d is good to me anyway, but the regret, the wonder.. where could I be with Him... how many could I have brought to the Kingdom instead of turned away from it...

Just believe me being right with G-d is just always better even than satisfying the flesh in sin... G-d is not WRONG IT WILL CATCH UP WITH YOU EVEN IF NOT IN PUBLIC HE WILL LET YOUR SIN FIND YOU OUT AND IS MISERABLE EVEN IF IT IS JUST BETWEEN YOU AND HIM... HE IS ALIVE AND REAL!!!!!!!

I hope you are settled with your childhood because it doesn't matter unless you live for MESSIAH!!!! THEN BE A GREAT WITNESS!!!

Thank you for sharing your testimony, Mae. I needed to read that. I'm not settled with all of that stuff, I don't think -- I'm not quite sure what that would look like, so I just try not to think about it. For some reason the mood struck to see if others have had a similar experience.
It's too long of a story to go into here, but I'm definitely not seeking Him as diligently as I had been several years ago and have become somewhat hard-hearted.
Basically at the time that I was seeking to be close to Him more diligently than I ever have, a relationship with a spiritual leader came into my life that hurt me worse than any other relationship I've experienced. Beyond that, I lost my dad suddenly in the past year or so.
My heart has been through a lot of hurts like most people -- but also lots of weird emotions, anxiety and things like I described in the blog post.
One good thing I guess is that I'm much more honest with God about my feelings and so on.
I suppose I trust in His love more because He hasn't left despite all that's happened.