Hey Dad,
I've come to conclusion I'm abusing you're power more and more every day. And I admit that I'm actually doing that and that I'm not treating you like a daughter should. Yes, I still look to you as my father figure, and day in and day out I'm so lost. I got caught up in guys, caught up in self-image, caught up in others; losing sight of who I was all together. I am now on the hunt of finding me. Angel Mae Wagner, once again. I know it isn't going to be easy and I'm going to want to give up, but I simply cannot do so. You never gave up on me.
I lost a very strong christian friend, and you know why, but honestly. I don't even know why. He said I'm blind to the truth, that I am not willing to change, that I don't understand what love is, which… I disagree. I think I have come to understand or experience all of this in some form. It changes all the time, but I believe he wants me to be on his level, when I'm simply not ready yet! That's all it took, 3 months and he couldn't handle me anymore. He gave up on me. I'm not sure loving him so much was such a good idea now Dad. But I've learned a lot.
Recently, I've been getting back on a good page, but not like I once was. I was singing songs to my brother to help him sleep. And.. well… I start singing "Our God is greater, or God is stronger, God you are higher then any other!" And I started to cry.. Why? I know. Because you are stronger then me. You can help me if I just let you. You are the best of the best and the one I need to love fully. I will admit, at least here because these fellow Christians cannot judge me. I fell into a life of love and lust, greed and gluttony. I never thought I would, but I did. I got around to only a few guys, and hated myself because I did. Sure it was a small number, but that doesn't mean squat! I had that second chance and I threw it away. I am asking once again for that to be forgiven. To be taken away, and for me to stay clean abstain from those interactions all together. I'm done with it. I don't want it anymore. I've been clean for awhile, but actually admitting it and asking for help, makes me feel more confident. I fell into drinking and smoking occasionally, but I was told by a teacher of mine that I was simply wanting to be stupid and that hit me hard. Realizing that it's okay to drink, but not get drunk, but also needing to obey the law too. I never did much outside of my home, but when I did, I always felt a little guilty. Now.. I'm done.. I don't even like the taste of it for some reason. Who knows what that means, but I'm sure it was because of you.. and of course I have tons of other sins floating around, but to save the typing I'll tell you in person now...
Dad, God, brother Jesus, Thank you for watching out for me. All of you. If I wasn't a Christian in the beginning, I don't think I'd be a very good person right now. For now, all I'm asking is that you help me..find me again. And maybe let others help along the way. I'm not one to let people in, but maybe it'll be nice for a change. I'm sorry for treating you this way, and for treating myself this way. I've grown to hate myself, and not love my life anymore. But yet.. I'm still here. Because I have a purpose on this earth, and you have written my plan for me. Thank you for this chapter in my life, and I'll hold it dear to my heart.
Your Daughter/Follower/Sister.. And everything else.. Angel
I've come to conclusion I'm abusing you're power more and more every day. And I admit that I'm actually doing that and that I'm not treating you like a daughter should. Yes, I still look to you as my father figure, and day in and day out I'm so lost. I got caught up in guys, caught up in self-image, caught up in others; losing sight of who I was all together. I am now on the hunt of finding me. Angel Mae Wagner, once again. I know it isn't going to be easy and I'm going to want to give up, but I simply cannot do so. You never gave up on me.
I lost a very strong christian friend, and you know why, but honestly. I don't even know why. He said I'm blind to the truth, that I am not willing to change, that I don't understand what love is, which… I disagree. I think I have come to understand or experience all of this in some form. It changes all the time, but I believe he wants me to be on his level, when I'm simply not ready yet! That's all it took, 3 months and he couldn't handle me anymore. He gave up on me. I'm not sure loving him so much was such a good idea now Dad. But I've learned a lot.
Recently, I've been getting back on a good page, but not like I once was. I was singing songs to my brother to help him sleep. And.. well… I start singing "Our God is greater, or God is stronger, God you are higher then any other!" And I started to cry.. Why? I know. Because you are stronger then me. You can help me if I just let you. You are the best of the best and the one I need to love fully. I will admit, at least here because these fellow Christians cannot judge me. I fell into a life of love and lust, greed and gluttony. I never thought I would, but I did. I got around to only a few guys, and hated myself because I did. Sure it was a small number, but that doesn't mean squat! I had that second chance and I threw it away. I am asking once again for that to be forgiven. To be taken away, and for me to stay clean abstain from those interactions all together. I'm done with it. I don't want it anymore. I've been clean for awhile, but actually admitting it and asking for help, makes me feel more confident. I fell into drinking and smoking occasionally, but I was told by a teacher of mine that I was simply wanting to be stupid and that hit me hard. Realizing that it's okay to drink, but not get drunk, but also needing to obey the law too. I never did much outside of my home, but when I did, I always felt a little guilty. Now.. I'm done.. I don't even like the taste of it for some reason. Who knows what that means, but I'm sure it was because of you.. and of course I have tons of other sins floating around, but to save the typing I'll tell you in person now...
Dad, God, brother Jesus, Thank you for watching out for me. All of you. If I wasn't a Christian in the beginning, I don't think I'd be a very good person right now. For now, all I'm asking is that you help me..find me again. And maybe let others help along the way. I'm not one to let people in, but maybe it'll be nice for a change. I'm sorry for treating you this way, and for treating myself this way. I've grown to hate myself, and not love my life anymore. But yet.. I'm still here. Because I have a purpose on this earth, and you have written my plan for me. Thank you for this chapter in my life, and I'll hold it dear to my heart.
Your Daughter/Follower/Sister.. And everything else.. Angel
