My testimony is that I was born into a family where three out of four of my grandfathers(with the exception of my mother's adoptive father) were pedophiles who abused their own children. I was born out of an adulterous relationship, both my blood parents married to other people. The families of both my fathers rejected me, for either my skin color or because I wasn't really one of them. More cousins than not told me that I wasn't part of the family.
When I was 2, my father(her husband) nearly strangled her to death in front of me for money to buy drugs and alcohol. If I hadn't bitten him, he probably would have succeeded.
When I was 4, I hurt myself in a private place out of a child's curiosity and a misunderstanding had me falsely accusing a classmate of molesting me.It ended up going to court and I was too afraid to tell the truth and too young to fully understand, so I convinced myself the lie was true for years.
I fell into sexual addiction shortly after and I had reoccurring nightmares starting at 5 years old, that told me that I was doomed for hell.
My mom divorced her husband when I was 7 and that was when I became a sort of therapist for her. She had gone through many horrors in her life and she told me everything in detail, all the abuse she'd suffered, not understanding that even though I said I was old enough and it didn't bother me, that I wasn't mature enough to hear those things. I learned about my heinous family history and for all those things I felt that I was cursed and blame God that He would put me in such a family.
When my grandfather died when I was 8, my mother was convinced that he was trapped in her body until she saw me saved(which is not a true, real thing, just to be clear). So as she walked me through a sinner's prayer, I saw flashes of color on the wall, distracting me, disappearing when I finished.But that was not when I was saved. At the time, I didn't understand what salvation was, only that I'd supposedly be able to talk to my dead grandfather(her adoptive father). There was no change in me and as I grew up, I was taught unbiblical ideas like magical, spiritual-super-powers, that demons could be saved, and that salvation can be stolen by demons, etc.
Fast forward to my teen years, my lies had grown exponentially and I was depressed, bitter, had a horrid temper, and was a majorly manipulative person. I was a foul-mouthed pervert, a thief, and had gotten into pornographic comics. I wanted to die and though I never got the courage to take my life, I did cut into my arms with razor blades and knives.
I then was lead by the most unlikely of people to a new church. I showed up the first service wearing all black, a native cap on backwards, a spike-collar, and a fake tattoo, to test them. Not a one of them batted an eye.
Fast forward a few more years, I married that pastor's youngest son when I was 18, but I was still not saved. I thought I was, but I was still the same as I had been before, lost and drowning in my sins. I even knowingly sold sick cats to people during my days of showing/breeding them, which is something that I am the most ashamed of and have never admitted to anyone before. I had reasons, but no excuse could ever make up for it, or any of the things I'd done.
I still believed I was cursed deep down and that God hated me. Then one day, I picked up a book that planted a seed of His light in my heart, teaching me that even the most depraved and abused individuals can be saved. I cannot say that this was when I was saved either, because it took 2 more years before anything in me started to change.
I can't tell you when exactly I was saved, because I've said a sinner's prayer so many times and falsely believed I was saved without an inner change, that I do not know myself. My story isn't a big, flashy confession and conversion, but the work of His soft voice, working gradually over my life and I am not the same. I still have bouts of depression, struggling with my bipolar, and questioning my worth, but they are far, far less often as I learn to reject the lies for His truth. I'm no longer the pervert I used to be, I'm no longer addicted to sexual things, and I almost never swear anymore. I don't lie anymore or manipulate anymore either. I am His.
I can only thank God for what I've been through, because it's made me realize all the more how much I need Him and His saving grace and given me a powerful empathy toward those who've gone through similar things. I've been blessed with a family that loves me, three beautiful children, and a fantastic pastor, who has helped me learn how to study my bible and to grow.
God has blessed me so much, but I never deserved it and if not for Him, I can only imagine the road I'd be walking right now. I can only say, thank God!
When I was 2, my father(her husband) nearly strangled her to death in front of me for money to buy drugs and alcohol. If I hadn't bitten him, he probably would have succeeded.
When I was 4, I hurt myself in a private place out of a child's curiosity and a misunderstanding had me falsely accusing a classmate of molesting me.It ended up going to court and I was too afraid to tell the truth and too young to fully understand, so I convinced myself the lie was true for years.
I fell into sexual addiction shortly after and I had reoccurring nightmares starting at 5 years old, that told me that I was doomed for hell.
My mom divorced her husband when I was 7 and that was when I became a sort of therapist for her. She had gone through many horrors in her life and she told me everything in detail, all the abuse she'd suffered, not understanding that even though I said I was old enough and it didn't bother me, that I wasn't mature enough to hear those things. I learned about my heinous family history and for all those things I felt that I was cursed and blame God that He would put me in such a family.
When my grandfather died when I was 8, my mother was convinced that he was trapped in her body until she saw me saved(which is not a true, real thing, just to be clear). So as she walked me through a sinner's prayer, I saw flashes of color on the wall, distracting me, disappearing when I finished.But that was not when I was saved. At the time, I didn't understand what salvation was, only that I'd supposedly be able to talk to my dead grandfather(her adoptive father). There was no change in me and as I grew up, I was taught unbiblical ideas like magical, spiritual-super-powers, that demons could be saved, and that salvation can be stolen by demons, etc.
Fast forward to my teen years, my lies had grown exponentially and I was depressed, bitter, had a horrid temper, and was a majorly manipulative person. I was a foul-mouthed pervert, a thief, and had gotten into pornographic comics. I wanted to die and though I never got the courage to take my life, I did cut into my arms with razor blades and knives.
I then was lead by the most unlikely of people to a new church. I showed up the first service wearing all black, a native cap on backwards, a spike-collar, and a fake tattoo, to test them. Not a one of them batted an eye.
Fast forward a few more years, I married that pastor's youngest son when I was 18, but I was still not saved. I thought I was, but I was still the same as I had been before, lost and drowning in my sins. I even knowingly sold sick cats to people during my days of showing/breeding them, which is something that I am the most ashamed of and have never admitted to anyone before. I had reasons, but no excuse could ever make up for it, or any of the things I'd done.
I still believed I was cursed deep down and that God hated me. Then one day, I picked up a book that planted a seed of His light in my heart, teaching me that even the most depraved and abused individuals can be saved. I cannot say that this was when I was saved either, because it took 2 more years before anything in me started to change.
I can't tell you when exactly I was saved, because I've said a sinner's prayer so many times and falsely believed I was saved without an inner change, that I do not know myself. My story isn't a big, flashy confession and conversion, but the work of His soft voice, working gradually over my life and I am not the same. I still have bouts of depression, struggling with my bipolar, and questioning my worth, but they are far, far less often as I learn to reject the lies for His truth. I'm no longer the pervert I used to be, I'm no longer addicted to sexual things, and I almost never swear anymore. I don't lie anymore or manipulate anymore either. I am His.
I can only thank God for what I've been through, because it's made me realize all the more how much I need Him and His saving grace and given me a powerful empathy toward those who've gone through similar things. I've been blessed with a family that loves me, three beautiful children, and a fantastic pastor, who has helped me learn how to study my bible and to grow.
God has blessed me so much, but I never deserved it and if not for Him, I can only imagine the road I'd be walking right now. I can only say, thank God!
