I have been struggling a lot lately, and my heart has been full of all sorts of restless feelings that I haven't been able to even identify, until now. It has dawned on me that I am deeply disappointed and dissatisfied with my life. My job is demotivating and the work environment I am in is a pressure cooker. It is also badly paid and has been called by many a "thankless job" as we work very hard but receive little respect or appreciation, quite often only grief for our trouble. I used to have a job that I completely adored and I made a real difference through; but circumstances forced me (or so I felt at the time) to leave and go in a new direction. Now that a year has passed, I am starting to doubt that decision and regret is setting in. Did I make a horrible mistake? I prayed about it, opportunities opened and I prayed for direction and went with what I felt God was saying at the time. Did I get the message wrong?
I enjoy my church and the family I have there, as well as the projects I am able to be involved in through it. These things keep me going and give that bit of light to the darkness that sometimes takes over in my head and heart. I am 27 and single, which is fine and most of the time I don't give it any thought but I had so many hopes and dreams for my life, and how it would look by now. This is definitely not it. I pictured a family, a career I love, and a full life. My life feels so empty these days, probably because we humans spend such a significant portion of our time at work and it is my job that is depleting my spirits.
If you are reading this, I'm sure you are thinking "STOP COMPLAINING AND DO SOMETHING!" I agree. I applied for jobs recently and got two interviews; one I couldn't attend as I was working and wasn't prepared to lie and call in sick; and they aren't flexible with hours/days etc. but the second I was able to go to as it was actually on my day off (given to me at random by my manager months before). The interview went well and the way it all fell into place made me feel so hopeful; but I never heard back and while it is a busy time and I was told it would be via letter I really should have heard by now (it has been 2 weeks). I am so disappointed I didn't get it, and it has been mulling over in my mind despite my attempts to ignore it.
Then I remembered something important. I have been questioning my choices and if I have made mistakes, or if God has forgotten me completely. But I wholeheartedly believe that God has a plan for me. A plan that He will see through. I don't know for certain how it works, but I believe with free will I am able to make mistakes and deviate from the plan unfortunately; but God will always reroute me back to where I'm supposed to be. If I give my life to God, as I have, He will place me exactly where He wants me. If this job is where that is, I can accept that, because I know it is not the end destination. If I made a mistake with this job, He will correct that in His time and in His way. I need to wait patiently on Him, and above all trust Him. Even when it hurts, even when I am feeling so bitterly disappointed and unsteady. When I waver, God will not let me fall. He will uphold me with His righteous hand. One day I will look back at this cloudy time and laugh at my own naivety to ever think for a moment that God wasn't in control and working behind the scenes in ways I couldn't see. I will smile, and knowing me probably with tears in my eyes; when I look at how far God has brought me and the wonders He has worked in my once-so-crushingly-disappointing-life. I know I won't feel this way forever.
I also know that God can fill these gaps I feel in my heart. He can lift these feelings of disappointment, regret, doubt, fear, and restless discontent. He can replace them with His bright, burning love and light. He can give me peace, joy, and life in all it's fullness. My circumstances don't define me, and I shouldn't give them this power to dictate my emotions, sense of self-worth, and relationship with God.
I enjoy my church and the family I have there, as well as the projects I am able to be involved in through it. These things keep me going and give that bit of light to the darkness that sometimes takes over in my head and heart. I am 27 and single, which is fine and most of the time I don't give it any thought but I had so many hopes and dreams for my life, and how it would look by now. This is definitely not it. I pictured a family, a career I love, and a full life. My life feels so empty these days, probably because we humans spend such a significant portion of our time at work and it is my job that is depleting my spirits.
If you are reading this, I'm sure you are thinking "STOP COMPLAINING AND DO SOMETHING!" I agree. I applied for jobs recently and got two interviews; one I couldn't attend as I was working and wasn't prepared to lie and call in sick; and they aren't flexible with hours/days etc. but the second I was able to go to as it was actually on my day off (given to me at random by my manager months before). The interview went well and the way it all fell into place made me feel so hopeful; but I never heard back and while it is a busy time and I was told it would be via letter I really should have heard by now (it has been 2 weeks). I am so disappointed I didn't get it, and it has been mulling over in my mind despite my attempts to ignore it.
Then I remembered something important. I have been questioning my choices and if I have made mistakes, or if God has forgotten me completely. But I wholeheartedly believe that God has a plan for me. A plan that He will see through. I don't know for certain how it works, but I believe with free will I am able to make mistakes and deviate from the plan unfortunately; but God will always reroute me back to where I'm supposed to be. If I give my life to God, as I have, He will place me exactly where He wants me. If this job is where that is, I can accept that, because I know it is not the end destination. If I made a mistake with this job, He will correct that in His time and in His way. I need to wait patiently on Him, and above all trust Him. Even when it hurts, even when I am feeling so bitterly disappointed and unsteady. When I waver, God will not let me fall. He will uphold me with His righteous hand. One day I will look back at this cloudy time and laugh at my own naivety to ever think for a moment that God wasn't in control and working behind the scenes in ways I couldn't see. I will smile, and knowing me probably with tears in my eyes; when I look at how far God has brought me and the wonders He has worked in my once-so-crushingly-disappointing-life. I know I won't feel this way forever.
I also know that God can fill these gaps I feel in my heart. He can lift these feelings of disappointment, regret, doubt, fear, and restless discontent. He can replace them with His bright, burning love and light. He can give me peace, joy, and life in all it's fullness. My circumstances don't define me, and I shouldn't give them this power to dictate my emotions, sense of self-worth, and relationship with God.