So tonight I face my fears and stepped out in faith. It was hard. It may sound like such a silly, simple thing. Something most of us do every week, if not more than once a week. I went to church. This isn't something new for me, by any means. I have been doing some wandering and soul searching lately though. Both through difficult circumstances (see earlier blogs for more - but a damaged, and damaging, relationship caused me to withdraw from church for a while there) and a nudge in my soul was telling me to explore a little and see what there is out there. This searching was fruitful, because more than anything it actually showed me how much I miss being at my own church and how valuable the connections I have made this past year and a bit have been.
I had already decided last week that I was going to go to my "home" church tonight. That was before things really blew up with this guy, but we hadn't spoken at all for a week and before that our chat was strained, so I was feeling nervous and apprehensive about that but felt I could handle it - if only just. Then things blew up between us and we came to blows. Having removed him from all social media, I felt like I had truly cut ties this time now after our collision. I didn't think he'd actually be there tonight, but it turns out he was. We had talked just before the fall out and he joked about sitting with me when I told him I was coming back this week, just to make me sweat. He hasn't been in weeks either. This week he chooses to go of course.
My nerves were shot. My legs have never felt so heavy, nor my heart so unsteady, as I walked through those doors, praying for a friendly face somewhere. I found a few actually, and this helped me so much. I got a seat on the far side of the church to where he sits (I still hadn't seen him though) which helped even more, and I had someone for company so I didn't feel alone. I felt unsettled throughout the service, and when I went to get coffee after I nearly fell over and walked into multiple people I was so unstable. As I turned to talk to someone, I saw him walk past me and I nearly dropped the coffee I had so painfully acquired. At different points after this I was standing near him but we didn't acknowledge each other at all. I couldn't even bear to look in his direction, but I could see him out of the corner of my eye. I was talking to a girl and as he was walking past she started talking to him too and he stopped beside me but I couldn't bear to look. Someone wanted to speak to me about joining a team this Summer, and a friend came over to get me and brought me to them - and lo' and behold - who was sitting just behind them - HIM. That didn't help my racing heart and shaking hands much, but I had a really positive chat with this person and actually signed up for the team which is a real blessing and something that has been on my heart
He said that my name came up in a meeting and that was why he reached out to me, not realising that I had actually been speaking to two other people about that team the day before. What a God thing!
Tonight was hard, but I am proud that I didn't let my fear stop me from being there. The message was significant for me to, and gave me some strength. I feel sad that he so easily ignored my very presence after we had become close (and then too close) but I did the very same to him after all and it was me who deleted him from social media etc and essentially cut these ties and told him to clear off. I know it's the right thing to do, and I shouldn't miss him or waste another second or shred of emotion on this but my heart just won't co-operate. I know God is working through all of this and when I finally reach the top of this mountain I will be so much stronger for the climb.
I had already decided last week that I was going to go to my "home" church tonight. That was before things really blew up with this guy, but we hadn't spoken at all for a week and before that our chat was strained, so I was feeling nervous and apprehensive about that but felt I could handle it - if only just. Then things blew up between us and we came to blows. Having removed him from all social media, I felt like I had truly cut ties this time now after our collision. I didn't think he'd actually be there tonight, but it turns out he was. We had talked just before the fall out and he joked about sitting with me when I told him I was coming back this week, just to make me sweat. He hasn't been in weeks either. This week he chooses to go of course.
My nerves were shot. My legs have never felt so heavy, nor my heart so unsteady, as I walked through those doors, praying for a friendly face somewhere. I found a few actually, and this helped me so much. I got a seat on the far side of the church to where he sits (I still hadn't seen him though) which helped even more, and I had someone for company so I didn't feel alone. I felt unsettled throughout the service, and when I went to get coffee after I nearly fell over and walked into multiple people I was so unstable. As I turned to talk to someone, I saw him walk past me and I nearly dropped the coffee I had so painfully acquired. At different points after this I was standing near him but we didn't acknowledge each other at all. I couldn't even bear to look in his direction, but I could see him out of the corner of my eye. I was talking to a girl and as he was walking past she started talking to him too and he stopped beside me but I couldn't bear to look. Someone wanted to speak to me about joining a team this Summer, and a friend came over to get me and brought me to them - and lo' and behold - who was sitting just behind them - HIM. That didn't help my racing heart and shaking hands much, but I had a really positive chat with this person and actually signed up for the team which is a real blessing and something that has been on my heart
He said that my name came up in a meeting and that was why he reached out to me, not realising that I had actually been speaking to two other people about that team the day before. What a God thing!Tonight was hard, but I am proud that I didn't let my fear stop me from being there. The message was significant for me to, and gave me some strength. I feel sad that he so easily ignored my very presence after we had become close (and then too close) but I did the very same to him after all and it was me who deleted him from social media etc and essentially cut these ties and told him to clear off. I know it's the right thing to do, and I shouldn't miss him or waste another second or shred of emotion on this but my heart just won't co-operate. I know God is working through all of this and when I finally reach the top of this mountain I will be so much stronger for the climb.
