My wife continues to non trusting that Incan do anything for myself which is totally not true because I have recently done things for myself and she knows it. Since the beginning of our marriage she has always been very demeaning, and I have put up with it form20 years. There is not alot of love left here wish it was not that way.
Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. Disrespect is a big problem in our culture, with the media and the culture teaching children not to respect their parents, the youth not to respect their elders, and wives not to respect their husbands. Some people don't really have a standard for what proper respect is in their own mind and just live out the 'script' they saw in their parents or other role models' marriages growing up, what they see on TV, what they hear from their friends, etc.
Are you and your wife both believers? If you are, you have some common ground to start from. One thing that seems to be true of many women is that they'd like to read a marriage book with their husband. If a wife got her husband a book on marriage for a gift, he'd think she was sending him a message that he's a bad husband. But if the husband gets his wife a book like that, then she thinks its wonderful that he wants to improve their marriage.
There are books that teach a wife to respect her husband. First and foremost is the Bible, of course. Ephesians 5 teaches this. Like Ephesians 5, Colossians 3 and I Peter 3 teach wives to submit to their husbands. I Peter 3 tells wives to have a 'meek and quite spirit.'
My wife and I are taking a Sunday school class where we read through 'Love and Respect' by Eggerich. I like the book. It teaches that men want to be respected and that women want to be loved. Each want both, but each gender has a stronger need in one direction or the other. The book talks about a 'crazy cycle' where the wife says something that she doesn't mean to be disrespectful, but it is disrespectful from the husband's perspective, so the husband responds in a way that his wife doesn't feel loved (or stonewalls and doesn't engage in conversation which makes her feel unloved) which keeps them going on a 'crazy cycle.'
There may be some things you are doing that she perceives as unloving even though you are not trying to be. She also may not realize that what she is doing is disrespectful. The Love and Respect book teaches 'unconditional respect' in marriage. A lot of people don't have a problem hearing 'unconditional love' in marriage, but haven't heard 'unconditional respect.'
The Sunday school class I'm taking is good. We discuss issues in a big group and then in same-gender groups. What's really good about it is you learn how the opposite gender ticks. I think the Eggerich's book is a good way to get a modern-minded woman raised in this environment to move toward a more Biblical attitude toward her husband than what she'd learn from our society. It does it in a kind of soft way, not a heavy-hammered fundamentalist approach. Generally, I like the book, though there are a few points here or there I'd modify if I'd had the background and ability to write a book like that, but that's the case with just about any book one likes.
There are lots of other books you could read if she's an unbeliever, too. A good marriage counselor should be able to identify some disrespectful attitudes and behaviors and root them out. The Eggerich's book is good, too, because there may be some things you are doing to stir up the disrespect.
If your wife is grumpy toward you in general, there may be some things you can do to warm things up between you. If you come home and she's there, greet her with a big smile. Insist on giving her a long kiss and a hug. Tell her you like it if she greets you at the door when she sees you. (It's good to greet the kids with enthusiasm, too.) Kiss her before you go to work. My wife likes it if I sit down and drink tea or coffee with her and talk. That's a simple thing, but there may be some little thing that will warm her up to you a little.
You could also point your wife toward April Cassidy's youtube channel or her blog called The Peaceful Wife. Her testimony is that she thought she was such a good Christian wife, but she read a book that caused her to see some of her mistakes as a wife. She realized she was disrespectful and controlling toward her husband. So she repented and changed, and now has a blog and videos to teach women with the same issues she had. She almost tears up talking about how she treated her husband before, and it's a real impactful testimony, I think. Her husband has a blog The Respected Husband, but he doesn't seem to be as active on it as his wife is on hers.
As far as divorce goes, no I don't think you should get a divorce. If you divorce your wife over this and marry someone else, that's adultery (Matthew 19.) From a biological need/desire point of view, at 43 having been married all those years, do you want to commit to life long celibacy until your wife dies? Most important is to walk right with the Lord and divorcing, aside from sin involved in leavings one wife, could also leave you and her open to temptation to sexual sin. If you've got children, you could be subjecting yourself to visiting them on weekends and having them call another man 'daddy.' Child support and/or alimony could have you living out of a car or your parents basement. There are lots of reasons not to divorce.
