Mothers and daughters

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PartyOf3

Guest
#1
#1
Do other grown daughters find it difficult to get along with their mother, or is it just me? I haven't really gotten along with my mother for a very long time, then about 5 years ago we had a major blow out. It's been real strained ever since. To make matters worse we attend the same church and it is difficult to see everyone think she is so outstanding when you know the truth. Sometimes I want to demand a dna test!!! Lol we are so opposite it's just bizarre...
 
Jenizona

Jenizona

Senior Member
#2
Aug 8, 2015
629
28
0
#2
PartyOf3 said:
Do other grown daughters find it difficult to get along with their mother, or is it just me? I haven't really gotten along with my mother for a very long time, then about 5 years ago we had a major blow out. It's been real strained ever since. To make matters worse we attend the same church and it is difficult to see everyone think she is so outstanding when you know the truth. Sometimes I want to demand a dna test!!! Lol we are so opposite it's just bizarre...
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Lol I get along great with my mom... but maybe your mom is just weird! I'm willing to go with that theory! :cool:
 
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VioletReigns

Guest
#3
#3
Awwwww, I'm glad you're at least making attempts to understand and work through it. I love my daughter to pieces and I know she loves me, too. We keep in touch often and she calls me up just to sing to me because she knows I love her voice! :eek: But oh yes indeed we had issues to work through once she became an adult.

I totally believe it's natural for a daughter to want to break free from her mother's identity and blossom into her own person. And of course as mothers we sometimes hinder our daughters when we don't stop giving unsolicited advice and try to make their decisions for them. We may be tempted to think our daughters are a direct reflection of us and therefore we have the right to advise them about everything.

I praise God my daughter is strong and stubborn enough to tell me like it is and lets me know when I'm going past her boundaries. I appreciate it, too because I don't want to do that to her. She has her way of training her kids, her way of running her household, and I respect that and don't interfere. So we work through our differences as they arise and respect one another as 2 whole adult people.

I also remind my adult kids that I was a whole person before they were born and I still am. Just as they have boundaries, so do I. It's a two-way street. Ya know?

I pray the Lord give you the wisdom and strength to establish your boundaries with your mother and that your relationship with her would be renewed. Thank you for sharing your situation, dear PartyOf3. Grace & peace to you in Jesus! :)

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atwhatcost

Guest
#4
#4
What's the magic number you're going for before you believe you are deemed "outstanding?" How many people have to tell how horrible their mothers are before you feel comforted? And does it bother you at all that you simply gave up on that "honor your mother and father" commandment five years ago?
 
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PartyOf3

Guest
#5
#5
I'm 43, I just found my voice about a year or so ago, I have quit going to the women's group that she leads because of her attitude towards me when I am there. She tends to think she can still talk to me like I was 10 and an embarrassment to her.
 
Jenizona

Jenizona

Senior Member
#6
Aug 8, 2015
629
28
0
#6
PartyOf3 said:
I'm 43, I just found my voice about a year or so ago, I have quit going to the women's group that she leads because of her attitude towards me when I am there. She tends to think she can still talk to me like I was 10 and an embarrassment to her.
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Just out of curiosity, what would happen if you nicely confronted her about that? Nicely! I said something to embarrass one of my kids once in front of one of his friends.. it wasn't intentional, I thought I was being witty! Afterwards, my son spoke to me privately about it.. said it made him feel bad. I TOTALLY got it (after he said something, doh!) and after that I really made a conscious effort to just be very supportive of him, especially in front of his friends. Even a loving mother needs a gentle reminder from time to time!
 
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PartyOf3

Guest
#7
#7
You assume because we had a blowout that it is I who is dishonoring?
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#8
#8
Would offer advice but not sure that's what you're here for, so instead I'll just leave it at: I hope you and yours find some sort of peace, or at least a peaceable middle ground.
 
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VioletReigns

Guest
#9
#9
PartyOf3 said:
I'm 43, I just found my voice about a year or so ago, I have quit going to the women's group that she leads because of her attitude towards me when I am there. She tends to think she can still talk to me like I was 10 and an embarrassment to her.
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It's painful for me to remember the really difficult problems my daughter & I went head to head on. Both of us had issues within ourselves we had to work through before we were able to find a balance in our relationship. The bottom line was, we both had to forgive one another and learn ways to relate in healthier ways.

I don't see how it can work if your mother is unwilling to listen to you. I hope that's not the case. Perhaps a professional counselor can help you learn ways to approach your mother about your feelings and concerns. Have you tried this? I feel your frustration and hurt and hope one day soon it'll work out so you can have a healthy, loving relationship with your mother.
 
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PartyOf3

Guest
#10
#10
I want to hear how other people cope, not point fingers at me and assume I'm some horrible daughter, obviously I cannot put 25+ years of our relationship on here
 
Jenizona

Jenizona

Senior Member
#11
Aug 8, 2015
629
28
0
#11
PartyOf3 said:
You assume because we had a blowout that it is I who is dishonoring?
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PartyOf3 said:
I want to hear how other people cope, not point fingers at me and assume I'm some horrible daughter, obviously I cannot put 25+ years of our relationship on here
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Sorry, I can't tell who upset you! I've gotten used to always hitting "Reply With Quote" so that people know which post I'm addressing. As far as I can tell, no one was assuming you were a horrible daughter? Try again, some of us are genuinely trying to help!:)

EDIT: I think if someone really ticked you off, you can hit "ignore" in your settings... but I'm not sure if you can still see things they've posted prior to that, never ignored anyone before! Hang in there! :)
 
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VioletReigns

Guest
#12
#12
PartyOf3 said:
I want to hear how other people cope, not point fingers at me and assume I'm some horrible daughter, obviously I cannot put 25+ years of our relationship on here
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PartyOf3, did my posts come across like I was pointing a finger at you? If so, I'm really sorry. I honestly was trying to see it from your perspective. I apologize, sister!

I can't give advice as a daughter because I was taken from my mother when I was 9 and placed in foster care. My foster mother was not a kind or loving person so she was more of a guardian than a mother. My biological mother died of cancer not long after I reunited with her when I was in my 20's so we didn't get to develop a close relationship.

The only real mothers I had were the older women from my church. And praise God for them!!! \:D/
 
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PartyOf3

Guest
#13
#13
Jeni and violet it was not you
im still learning all the tips and tricks here and will try to include the quotes next time
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#15
#15
atwhatcost said:
What's the magic number you're going for before you believe you are deemed "outstanding?" How many people have to tell how horrible their mothers are before you feel comforted? And does it bother you at all that you simply gave up on that "honor your mother and father" commandment five years ago?
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​Kind of harsh judgmental statement without knowing all the facts there. We dont know what the blow out was about. You can honor parents but that doesnt always make them right.Maybe we should hear more before we jump to the conclusion that mother is right.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#16
#16
PartyOf3 said:
I want to hear how other people cope, not point fingers at me and assume I'm some horrible daughter, obviously I cannot put 25+ years of our relationship on here
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Ive had a similar relationship with my father,whom I love,but cannot seem to find that adult relationship.He's a perfectionist,he's dramatic and takes all the attention when he walks into a room.He's an entertainer by nature. Im the total opposite. But we are stuck in this child parent mode even though Im married.We've had some heated arguments.He simply cant understand why I dont just give in to the way he wants things done.We'd have peace if I just obeyed everything he says like a child.Well Im married and my husband has something to say about that.If I miss his phone call he tells my mother he's not going to answer my calls from now on.He doesnt see that Im a wife now with a house to run and a husband to feed.I traveled with him for 20yrs in ministry and said how things were run,he made all the decisions and now he's stuck there and we cant move past it.He wants it his way and it doesnt help that my mother caves to him most of the time.So I do understand where you are coming from.We love our parents but sometimes they cant move to a mature relationship and its so frustrating. I try to make peace but I still seem in hot water most of the time.I dont think it will change a whole lot,I just try to do my best and avoid big upsets.
 
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PartyOf3

Guest
#17
#17
I have never asked anyone if they have the same experience, I just always admonished myself for not being obedient to her, but I do have my own life, my own household, my own personality other people I have to answer to. In my darkest hours, my deepest valleys, she would come at me with you aren't giving me enough attention attitude, that's why I said about a year or so ago I found my voice with her, I told her that I lover her and that I am sorry she feels she is not receiving the attention she deserves but I just cannot give it to her anymore or at this very moment; and she knew exactly what was going on in my life....I do long for that kind of sweet relationship I see and hear other friends talk about...so I strive to encourage this closeness in my grown children
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#18
#18
PartyOf3 said:
I have never asked anyone if they have the same experience, I just always admonished myself for not being obedient to her, but I do have my own life, my own household, my own personality other people I have to answer to. In my darkest hours, my deepest valleys, she would come at me with you aren't giving me enough attention attitude, that's why I said about a year or so ago I found my voice with her, I told her that I lover her and that I am sorry she feels she is not receiving the attention she deserves but I just cannot give it to her anymore or at this very moment; and she knew exactly what was going on in my life....I do long for that kind of sweet relationship I see and hear other friends talk about...so I strive to encourage this closeness in my grown children
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I dont know...I think we usually have a parent we just cant seem eye to eye with.You feel like you're always trying to earn their respect as an adult in your own right.I didnt mean to derail your thread with my story :) I just wanted to sort of pick up for you because I felt you were being judged a bit harshly. I know where you're coming from. Sometimes I think we have this ideal relationship in our heads when sometimes we need to see that its not going to be perfect.It can be better but we have to let go of the ideal we have in our heads.
 
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PartyOf3

Guest
#19
#19
kaylagrl said:
I dont know...I think we usually have a parent we just cant seem eye to eye with.You feel like you're always trying to earn their respect as an adult in your own right.I didnt mean to derail your thread with my story :) I just wanted to sort of pick up for you because I felt you were being judged a bit harshly. I know where you're coming from. Sometimes I think we have this ideal relationship in our heads when sometimes we need to see that its not going to be perfect.It can be better but we have to let go of the ideal we have in our heads.
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let go of the ideal....yes, I have had to let go of a lot of ideals, but never thought of it in a relationship with my mom....
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#20
#20
PartyOf3 said:
let go of the ideal....yes, I have had to let go of a lot of ideals, but never thought of it in a relationship with my mom....
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So what do you think is the major issue? When did it start or have you always had an issue? She seems like a bit of a perfectionist...and rather demanding? What was the major blow out you had if you care to share it.
 
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