Need advice and just someone to vent to

[88]

Well I could honestly write a book. But I'll try to keep it as short as I can. I'm a stay at home mom. Three in school two toddlers. My husband and I have been terrible. I'll take most of the blame. I have many issues but they have definitely got worse with time. I had kids before I met my husband. I met him at a church I started going to years back and he was and still is in leadership there. I was newly saved, delivered of addictions, alcohol, and so much more. I loved my church and never even thought once about being in a relationship with my spiritual leader at that time. My husband and I came from two different worlds. Both his parents were Christians, his dad the main pastor of the church. My husband never really drank, partied, never slept around and lived a pretty godly life. Well mine was quit the opposite. So when we later started to have feelings for each other it was definitely awkward but very strong and real. For the first year and a half we had to keep our relationship secret. there were certain circumstances why but it definitely took its toll on me. I already had major trust issues so you can only imagine how this made me feel. So finally after 3 years of waiting he finally married me. Got to say I didn't believe he was actually going to and honestly was shocked when he did. But he did and we were truly in love. A love I can't even explain and almost every time we would get together before marriage the presence of the Holy Spirit was strong which connected us even more. Well as soon as we got married I got pregnant right off the bat. We wanted one child together and I wasn't suppose to have have any more after that. The first year of marriage I worked and he just worked at the church. The pregnancy was VERY hard on me. I was constantly sick, stressed because I worked an hour away and was a manager. When I got home I would make dinner for the kids and husband and then I would just basically crash because I could do no more. Well my husband was constantly making me feel bad for not touching him and falling asleep almost every night. I was just tired. So then as soon as I had the first baby, a few months later I was pregnant. I was devestated at first because one I wasn't really suppose to have anymore, and two my last pregnancy was so hard on me. But I knew the baby was a blessing from God and I made it through but didn't work this time. I had a new baby and other kids in school but did pick up a couple shifts if I needed to. Well same story the next year. We fought, he would tell me how unaffectionate I was. How i never touched him. But in all honestly the first and second year while pregnant I sacrificed many times and painfully sacrificed my body towards the end of pregnancy if you know what I mean. No I didn't do it all the time because sometimes I would just literally pass out of exhaustion. So when I had second baby are marriage was already very damaged. My attitude and stress didn't help but we would fight all the time. I would try to say you can't hold the first two years against me I was pregnant and sick. But it was useless. He said it didn't matter and it was just an excuse. Well not to long after that I found things he was doing and caught him in lies. I was so angry and upset, and just having a baby my hormones were crazy I went off and couldn't believe he did this to me. I couldn't handle it. So days later he apologizes we hug kiss and we are going to move on. Well something else happened that he still won't be honest about to this day. Well when I went to confront him about it, he called my family and said I was crazy and lying and he left me and my kids. He actually got his stuff and left. Months later we reconcile because I was the one begging for him to come back and be with me which is WAY WAY WAY out of character. But I loved him and I didn't want to imagine life without him. He came back And it's been a downhill spiral from there. I know I'm probably making him out to some horrible guy but he's not as bad as it may seem I guess. He truly loves the Lord more than anyone I've ever seen, he's an amazing father, and he is very well liked by many. He works full time and I'm here with the kids. I'm miserable, I'm not violent by any means but I raise my voice at the kids to much, I get so frustrated very easily, I'm unhappy, and I'm depressed. My husband and i fight constantly, I'm never in a good mood. I've been crying out for help but can never get the time to get it. I never have a break, I have no family or friends to help, I do nothing for myself. The only break I get is when my husband gets home late in the evening I get to go to walmart to shop. I can't even cry anymore I'm so numb. My heart has turned cold, I've pretty much just given up. I know what my answer is, and I know the only love that can heal me and pull me out of this pit. But im constantly taking care of kids, not sleeping, being told how unaffectionate and terrible I am by my husband. I know my attitude sucks but I just don't even care anymore because i feel like it's always going to be something. I know I have issues and I know I'm miserable to around I'm sure, but I'm just so sick of hearing how I've always been this way, everyone knows how I am, my family knows it, that's why I have no friends, I'm so terrible. I'm tired of hearing everyone knows how awesome my husband is, he was never like this until he meet me, people know it's all me not him. On and on. Yes I'm terrible yes I have issues, yes I've done wrong and have had no respect for my husband, but I've just given up. I never felt good enough for him anyway. No matter what I did in the beginning, I felt like it was never good enough. Those are my feelings, and that may just be my issues I have but I seriously have no one to turn to. No one to talk to. No one. Im damaged, I've damaged my husband more so now than ever when he needed me the most because he's losing a very close loved one. But I can't be there I don't know what to do.

**** I would recommend you read a book or two by Joyce Myers---- it could change your life...

 

[OnlyHisLoveChangedMe23]

My heart goes out to you. Sounds like you need a break. Do you know why God sent Jesus? He sent Him so we no longer have to carry around our guilt. It's hard to be a blessing when you feel like a curse. I have four children and they will suck the life out of you if you let them. I'm in the process of getting them to be more responsible for themselves because if you keep doing stuff for them they just expect it. I had to start saying, "This is not my problem." Taking on everybody's problems leaves you tired and depressed. I let them make the choice and then let them fail, and learn. It's harder for my wife because she shares in their successes and failures. She is coming around.

Quit thinking that you aren't good enough. Obviously your husband wanted to spend the rest of his life with you so you must be awesome! Some men need to be constantly edified. Perhaps they didn't get the message that they are good enough growing up, being continually criticized (this is more common that you would think as a preacher's kid). One way they get this is sexual fulfillment. Even just a soft touch, or kiss. It communicates that we are desirable. Being desirable translates to value. In essence it gives us a sense of self worth. Other ways that you can give this to your husband is by not challenging him. If you question or criticize what he says and does, then you communicate that he is a poor leader and less valued. This is why God tells women to respect their husband, that's how we are wired. We want cheerleaders, not doubters. A cheerleader is a powerful thing and men will adore a woman who stands behind him. You want your husband to feel powerful, it makes him a better leader.

Find a woman to talk to and go for walks or something to get out of the house. I can get into how this effects the hormones but just know that it helps. By the way, welcome to CC, it's good to have more messed up people around like us. We are all works in progress, thank God for grace. Just don't forget to extend it to yourself!

I agree with you for sure. I'm not an affectionate person at all and that's caused huge issues as well. I know what I need to be for my husband and I know what's right. But in the beginning I would go out of my way so much only to be told it's not enough. Not particularly in those words but might as well. When I would give effort to try to be affectionate, he would make jokes and make me feel even more stupid than I already felt. I told him please not to do that because I was actually trying to do something extremely out of my comfort zone. Well needless to say the things I ask him not to do though innocent in his eyes never stopped. So I eventually just stopped trying. Wrong yes of course.

He does need a good wife right now because he is going through a terrible trial. His mother is dying and hes very close to her. I do feel so evil that I absolutely can't be there for him. I know I need help I've been screaming (not literally) this for a long time. I don't blame him at all for the place I'm in. I've aloud myself to get here. Only I can control and change my life. But I've just given up.

Every time we fight, he ALWAYS tells me how horrible of a wife I am, how I haven't been there for him, and how I never do anything for him. Before when he told me that, I knew it was a lie. But now it's probably true in the past couple months because I just might as well be completely disconnected if that's how he feels anyway. I mean I still do all the house work, cook, have sex with him when we're not fighting and take care of my precious kids. And speaking of the children they are sick of the fighting as well. It's wrong for us and selfish and immature. There's just too much I could go on for days. I'm not innocent. I'm not a sole victim in all this there are seven of us all together...

 

[Hungry]

Hopefully he doesn't depend on you to completely make your marriage work. It takes two people to fight. Here is a trick. Every time he insults you, return with three compliments. Make them the nicest things that ever came out of your mouth. Its hard to be mean to somebody who is being super nice to you. Not only are you diffusing conflict but you are showing your children that you can love your enemies. There is a good chance they might even jump in to defend you. Nobody likes bullies especially against their mom.

 

[Pilkington]

I agree with you for sure. I'm not an affectionate person at all and that's caused huge issues as well. I know what I need to be for my husband and I know what's right. But in the beginning I would go out of my way so much only to be told it's not enough. Not particularly in those words but might as well. When I would give effort to try to be affectionate, he would make jokes and make me feel even more stupid than I already felt. I told him please not to do that because I was actually trying to do something extremely out of my comfort zone. Well needless to say the things I ask him not to do though innocent in his eyes never stopped. So I eventually just stopped trying. Wrong yes of course.

He does need a good wife right now because he is going through a terrible trial. His mother is dying and hes very close to her. I do feel so evil that I absolutely can't be there for him. I know I need help I've been screaming (not literally) this for a long time. I don't blame him at all for the place I'm in. I've aloud myself to get here. Only I can control and change my life. But I've just given up.

Every time we fight, he ALWAYS tells me how horrible of a wife I am, how I haven't been there for him, and how I never do anything for him. Before when he told me that, I knew it was a lie. But now it's probably true in the past couple months because I just might as well be completely disconnected if that's how he feels anyway. I mean I still do all the house work, cook, have sex with him when we're not fighting and take care of my precious kids. And speaking of the children they are sick of the fighting as well. It's wrong for us and selfish and immature. There's just too much I could go on for days. I'm not innocent. I'm not a sole victim in all this there are seven of us all together...

It sounds as if you need marriage counselling. Each marriage is different and each person brings a certain amount of baggage with them. It sounds as if you both have baggage. He shouldn't be saying that you are a horrible wife (I am certain you are not) and sometimes it is hard to be there for another person. Have you asked how you can be there for him. It sounds like you have been there for him on most levels ie house work cooking and sex, are you there for him emmotionally?

Not everyone is physically affectionate and he shouldn't necessarily expect you to be. It actaully makes me angry that he appears to be blaiming you and not being supportive of your efforts. It actually makes me angry on your behalf.

Are there any other Mum's with young children locally either in the church or around, see if you can find to go to a Mum and baby group maybe you could then make some friends. Is there a womens Bible study at church again maybe in the daytime for Mums where you can bring your child.

 

[Ariel82]

Well I could honestly write a book. But I'll try to keep it as short as I can. I'm a stay at home mom. Three in school two toddlers. My husband and I have been terrible. I'll take most of the blame. I have many issues but they have definitely got worse with time.

I had kids before I met my husband. I met him at a church I started going to years back and he was and still is in leadership there. I was newly saved, delivered of addictions, alcohol, and so much more. I loved my church and never even thought once about being in a relationship with my spiritual leader at that time.

My husband and I came from two different worlds. Both his parents were Christians, his dad the main pastor of the church. My husband never really drank, partied, never slept around and lived a pretty godly life. Well mine was quit the opposite.

So when we later started to have feelings for each other it was definitely awkward but very strong and real. For the first year and a half we had to keep our relationship secret. there were certain circumstances why but it definitely took its toll on me.

I already had major trust issues so you can only imagine how this made me feel. So finally after 3 years of waiting he finally married me.

Got to say I didn't believe he was actually going to and honestly was shocked when he did. But he did and we were truly in love.

A love I can't even explain and almost every time we would get together before marriage the presence of the Holy Spirit was strong which connected us even more. Well as soon as we got married I got pregnant right off the bat. We wanted one child together and I wasn't suppose to have have any more after that.

The first year of marriage I worked and he just worked at the church. The pregnancy was VERY hard on me. I was constantly sick, stressed because I worked an hour away and was a manager. When I got home I would make dinner for the kids and husband and then I would just basically crash because I could do no more.

Well my husband was constantly making me feel bad for not touching him and falling asleep almost every night. I was just tired. So then as soon as I had the first baby, a few months later I was pregnant. I was devestated at first because one I wasn't really suppose to have anymore, and two my last pregnancy was so hard on me. But I knew the baby was a blessing from God and I made it through but didn't work this time.

I had a new baby and other kids in school but did pick up a couple shifts if I needed to. Well same story the next year. We fought, he would tell me how unaffectionate I was. How i never touched him. But in all honestly the first and second year while pregnant I sacrificed many times and painfully sacrificed my body towards the end of pregnancy if you know what I mean.

No I didn't do it all the time because sometimes I would just literally pass out of exhaustion. So when I had second baby are marriage was already very damaged. My attitude and stress didn't help but we would fight all the time. I would try to say you can't hold the first two years against me I was pregnant and sick. But it was useless.

He said it didn't matter and it was just an excuse. Well not to long after that I found things he was doing and caught him in lies. I was so angry and upset, and just having a baby my hormones were crazy I went off and couldn't believe he did this to me. I couldn't handle it.

So days later he apologizes we hug kiss and we are going to move on. Well something else happened that he still won't be honest about to this day. Well when I went to confront him about it, he called my family and said I was crazy and lying and he left me and my kids. He actually got his stuff and left.

Months later we reconcile because I was the one begging for him to come back and be with me which is WAY WAY WAY out of character. But I loved him and I didn't want to imagine life without him. He came back And it's been a downhill spiral from there. I know I'm probably making him out to some horrible guy but he's not as bad as it may seem I guess.

He truly loves the Lord more than anyone I've ever seen, he's an amazing father, and he is very well liked by many. He works full time and I'm here with the kids. I'm miserable, I'm not violent by any means but I raise my voice at the kids to much, I get so frustrated very easily, I'm unhappy, and I'm depressed.

My husband and i fight constantly, I'm never in a good mood. I've been crying out for help but can never get the time to get it. I never have a break, I have no family or friends to help, I do nothing for myself.

The only break I get is when my husband gets home late in the evening I get to go to walmart to shop. I can't even cry anymore I'm so numb. My heart has turned cold, I've pretty much just given up. I know what my answer is, and I know the only love that can heal me and pull me out of this pit. But im constantly taking care of kids, not sleeping, being told how unaffectionate and terrible I am by my husband. I know my attitude sucks but I just don't even care anymore because i feel like it's always going to be something.

I know I have issues and I know I'm miserable to around I'm sure, but I'm just so sick of hearing how I've always been this way, everyone knows how I am, my family knows it, that's why I have no friends, I'm so terrible. I'm tired of hearing everyone knows how awesome my husband is, he was never like this until he meet me, people know it's all me not him. On and on.

Yes I'm terrible yes I have issues, yes I've done wrong and have had no respect for my husband, but I've just given up. I never felt good enough for him anyway. No matter what I did in the beginning, I felt like it was never good enough. Those are my feelings, and that may just be my issues I have but I seriously have no one to turn to.

No one to talk to. No one. Im damaged, I've damaged my husband more so now than ever when he needed me the most because he's losing a very close loved one. But I can't be there I don't know what to do.

I just had eye surgery..let me help side and spacing...

Wow..,will pray with you.if you need anyone to pray Or listen,just pm me.

 

[OnlyHisLoveChangedMe23]

It sounds as if you need marriage counselling. Each marriage is different and each person brings a certain amount of baggage with them. It sounds as if you both have baggage. He shouldn't be saying that you are a horrible wife (I am certain you are not) and sometimes it is hard to be there for another person. Have you asked how you can be there for him. It sounds like you have been there for him on most levels ie house work cooking and sex, are you there for him emmotionally?

Not everyone is physically affectionate and he shouldn't necessarily expect you to be. It actaully makes me angry that he appears to be blaiming you and not being supportive of your efforts. It actually makes me angry on your behalf.

Are there any other Mum's with young children locally either in the church or around, see if you can find to go to a Mum and baby group maybe you could then make some friends. Is there a womens Bible study at church again maybe in the daytime for Mums where you can bring your child.

Well I really don't know many Christian moms, especially that I feel comfortable talking about my personal problems. The women in my church are all older, and very close to my husbands family. It's a small church so everyone is close. I wasn't always this unhappy and pretty much just in a bad mood. Now I am all the time. At the worst time in my husbands life (he's losing his mother to illness). But selfishly I just feel like I've been telling him I need help I need help. Not so much physical help, like with the kids THOUGH it would be nice. But spiritual and mental help. A break, a hobby, SOMETHING But I get it's just impossible right now with the busy life we have. Plus I know it's not his responsibility to make me better, but I never pushed that on him either. I just need guidance. I felt like I never got that. And mostly spiritual guidance. I just want to make it clear I'm not putting blame on my husband for the way I've acted. We have tried counseling even by his request but he stopped going because the woman didn't have a bible present even though she was open and comfortable going that route to counsel us. He's mentioned couseling a few more times but it never happens. To me it would be pointless anyway. In his mind I'm just an evil, horrible person that has always been this way from the beginning. I know that's not true but nothing or no one can change his mind. Now I'm not saying I haven't disrespected him by being short, or rude because of all the frustration in my life. I'm also not saying that I haven't said hurtful things in a heated argument, but I assure you it goes both ways in those moments. Anyway I'm just doing more venting which I could probably do for days. Sorry

 

[tourist]

You sound very tired, frustrated and under-appreciative. Losing his mother to illness is not an excuse to neglect you. It may not be your husband's responsibility to make you better but it is his responsibility to love you and all that entails. I believe that you are in the midst of depression. Yes, I believe that you very much need a break, and not just going to Walmart after hubby gets home.

 

[stonesoffire]

This might seem crazy to do but it works.

Agree with your "enemy".

The truth is that none of us has any goodness of our own, only the Spirit of God who is Holy, is our goodness. Only the sacrifice of Jesus and His laying down of life as an exchange for our own failings will stand before God.

So out of truth...saying yes, I probably am all those things you say, takes away any accusation by another.

I don't think you are having a problem that isn't common in young couples.

Its common to look at life and think, is this all there is? And will things ever change? This is natural thinking. But, we are supernatural. There's joy in the Holy Spirit. You just need life in the Spirit. Ask the Lord to show you, and teach you.

 

[OnlyHisLoveChangedMe23]

You sound very tired, frustrated and under-appreciative. Losing his mother to illness is not an excuse to neglect you. It may not be your husband's responsibility to make you better but it is his responsibility to love you and all that entails. I believe that you are in the midst of depression. Yes, I believe that you very much need a break, and not just going to Walmart after hubby gets home.

Physically and mentally tired and sick. But I know I'm just letting the stupid devil win. But I also know the fight is not over and I know who wins. Of course our Lord Jesus. As He said I in Him, Him in me. I've fallen so far and turned my back on the only true One who can satisfy my every need. I've let my past behaviors and selfishness tant my heart again, but am so thankful that He still loves me and has never left. Though I deserve Him to leave, He doesn't. And that right there alone gets me through another day. Then He's so gracious to bless me with such amazing kids that even when I feel like I can't laugh, I do because of them. Of course I think life for my kids, especially my husband would be way better off without me. But i know no matter what my kids see me go through, they need me and love me. I want to be better for them. I want them to know I'm happy because they know I'm miserable, irritated, and tired. I guess this is why I decided to reach out to anyone, just to get out. Because I'm so tired of living this way. I have no one around me to tell this to. I have before but I'm looked at as talebearer, or one who reveal secrets. But that's ok. I'm not responsible for anyone's else's actions but my own. I pray to God that this is only the beginning of the end of the hell ive put myself through. Thank you to all who have stated their opinions! I'm sure this isn't the last you will hear from me. Lol. Because boy do I have so much to say!

 

[Pilkington]

Well I really don't know many Christian moms, especially that I feel comfortable talking about my personal problems. The women in my church are all older, and very close to my husbands family. It's a small church so everyone is close. I wasn't always this unhappy and pretty much just in a bad mood. Now I am all the time. At the worst time in my husbands life (he's losing his mother to illness). But selfishly I just feel like I've been telling him I need help I need help. Not so much physical help, like with the kids THOUGH it would be nice. But spiritual and mental help. A break, a hobby, SOMETHING But I get it's just impossible right now with the busy life we have. Plus I know it's not his responsibility to make me better, but I never pushed that on him either. I just need guidance. I felt like I never got that. And mostly spiritual guidance. I just want to make it clear I'm not putting blame on my husband for the way I've acted. We have tried counseling even by his request but he stopped going because the woman didn't have a bible present even though she was open and comfortable going that route to counsel us. He's mentioned couseling a few more times but it never happens. To me it would be pointless anyway. In his mind I'm just an evil, horrible person that has always been this way from the beginning. I know that's not true but nothing or no one can change his mind. Now I'm not saying I haven't disrespected him by being short, or rude because of all the frustration in my life. I'm also not saying that I haven't said hurtful things in a heated argument, but I assure you it goes both ways in those moments. Anyway I'm just doing more venting which I could probably do for days. Sorry

You don't need to share everything with other Moms or women but maybe spending time with other Moms would be beneficial you could maybe develop a friendship and it would get yourself out of a house. Spiritually wise a women's bible study could help you to grow spiritually so you are not so dependent on your husband for your spiritual support. Also it may be helpful if you could get together with wives of other men in church leadership roles not just at your church. Being married to someone who is involved in church leadership is uniquely difficult.

I know you are not blaming your husband however he is as at much fault as you are. My husband has not and never would behave in the manner yours has, despite the difficulties we have had to face. I think both you and your husband should look at 1 Corinithian 13 it describes what love should look like (in particular Love holds no record of wrongs!). It would be worth trying again to find a counseller. Maybe she wasn't the write person to counsel you both, for me not having a Bible out would not be a deal breaker but clearly it was for your husband.

He should not believe you are evil and horrible. You are not evil and horrible you are the daugher of the King, his precious child.