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Well I could honestly write a book. But I'll try to keep it as short as I can. I'm a stay at home mom. Three in school two toddlers. My husband and I have been terrible. I'll take most of the blame. I have many issues but they have definitely got worse with time. I had kids before I met my husband. I met him at a church I started going to years back and he was and still is in leadership there. I was newly saved, delivered of addictions, alcohol, and so much more. I loved my church and never even thought once about being in a relationship with my spiritual leader at that time. My husband and I came from two different worlds. Both his parents were Christians, his dad the main pastor of the church. My husband never really drank, partied, never slept around and lived a pretty godly life. Well mine was quit the opposite. So when we later started to have feelings for each other it was definitely awkward but very strong and real. For the first year and a half we had to keep our relationship secret. there were certain circumstances why but it definitely took its toll on me. I already had major trust issues so you can only imagine how this made me feel. So finally after 3 years of waiting he finally married me. Got to say I didn't believe he was actually going to and honestly was shocked when he did. But he did and we were truly in love. A love I can't even explain and almost every time we would get together before marriage the presence of the Holy Spirit was strong which connected us even more. Well as soon as we got married I got pregnant right off the bat. We wanted one child together and I wasn't suppose to have have any more after that. The first year of marriage I worked and he just worked at the church. The pregnancy was VERY hard on me. I was constantly sick, stressed because I worked an hour away and was a manager. When I got home I would make dinner for the kids and husband and then I would just basically crash because I could do no more. Well my husband was constantly making me feel bad for not touching him and falling asleep almost every night. I was just tired. So then as soon as I had the first baby, a few months later I was pregnant. I was devestated at first because one I wasn't really suppose to have anymore, and two my last pregnancy was so hard on me. But I knew the baby was a blessing from God and I made it through but didn't work this time. I had a new baby and other kids in school but did pick up a couple shifts if I needed to. Well same story the next year. We fought, he would tell me how unaffectionate I was. How i never touched him. But in all honestly the first and second year while pregnant I sacrificed many times and painfully sacrificed my body towards the end of pregnancy if you know what I mean. No I didn't do it all the time because sometimes I would just literally pass out of exhaustion. So when I had second baby are marriage was already very damaged. My attitude and stress didn't help but we would fight all the time. I would try to say you can't hold the first two years against me I was pregnant and sick. But it was useless. He said it didn't matter and it was just an excuse. Well not to long after that I found things he was doing and caught him in lies. I was so angry and upset, and just having a baby my hormones were crazy I went off and couldn't believe he did this to me. I couldn't handle it. So days later he apologizes we hug kiss and we are going to move on. Well something else happened that he still won't be honest about to this day. Well when I went to confront him about it, he called my family and said I was crazy and lying and he left me and my kids. He actually got his stuff and left. Months later we reconcile because I was the one begging for him to come back and be with me which is WAY WAY WAY out of character. But I loved him and I didn't want to imagine life without him. He came back And it's been a downhill spiral from there. I know I'm probably making him out to some horrible guy but he's not as bad as it may seem I guess. He truly loves the Lord more than anyone I've ever seen, he's an amazing father, and he is very well liked by many. He works full time and I'm here with the kids. I'm miserable, I'm not violent by any means but I raise my voice at the kids to much, I get so frustrated very easily, I'm unhappy, and I'm depressed. My husband and i fight constantly, I'm never in a good mood. I've been crying out for help but can never get the time to get it. I never have a break, I have no family or friends to help, I do nothing for myself. The only break I get is when my husband gets home late in the evening I get to go to walmart to shop. I can't even cry anymore I'm so numb. My heart has turned cold, I've pretty much just given up. I know what my answer is, and I know the only love that can heal me and pull me out of this pit. But im constantly taking care of kids, not sleeping, being told how unaffectionate and terrible I am by my husband. I know my attitude sucks but I just don't even care anymore because i feel like it's always going to be something. I know I have issues and I know I'm miserable to around I'm sure, but I'm just so sick of hearing how I've always been this way, everyone knows how I am, my family knows it, that's why I have no friends, I'm so terrible. I'm tired of hearing everyone knows how awesome my husband is, he was never like this until he meet me, people know it's all me not him. On and on. Yes I'm terrible yes I have issues, yes I've done wrong and have had no respect for my husband, but I've just given up. I never felt good enough for him anyway. No matter what I did in the beginning, I felt like it was never good enough. Those are my feelings, and that may just be my issues I have but I seriously have no one to turn to. No one to talk to. No one. Im damaged, I've damaged my husband more so now than ever when he needed me the most because he's losing a very close loved one. But I can't be there I don't know what to do.
In order for more people to be able to read your post, could you please use paragraphs next time? 
