Helping someone who has abandonment issues

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S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#1
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#1
The reason why I am posting this is because of an incident that happened in 2012 when my husband and I were a couple.

A female friend of his, who was in her forties a that time and has abandonment issues stemming from her childhood, wanted him to come over to her place on a Friday night to 1) hang stuff from her ceiling and 2) stay over at her place until the following morning. She wanted to have dinner with him at her place, watch tv, and stay up late talking. He would have slept on her couch while she slept in her bedroom. She also wanted to have breakfast with him the following morning before leaving. This all happened after she and a male friend of hers argued.

I was against the entire plan at that time. He ended up not going over. She was not happy about this, and she stopped talking to him for several months until sometime in 2013. This was before I was made aware of her abandonment issues stemming from her childhood by my husband a couple of years later. Neither one of us know if she is seeing or has seen a therapist regarding this.

His feeling about this years later is that she uses her friends as her own personal therapist. The reason why he feels this way is because she came to us in the past regarding the problems she and her male friend were having while the 2 of them were friends as well as when they were dating. Her abandonment issues cropped up during these discussions.

So my question is this.

How would God want us to handle a situation like this when we are either in a relationship or are married?

At that time he did not pray about it or seek God's wisdom and guidance. He wanted to do what she asked of him.
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#2
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#2
I'm glad he abandoned the plan. Never should a man go over to a woman's house and do what she suggested. It is a recipe for disaster to any man who values his reputation for the Lord. Never be alone with a woman who thinks like this one does. She has issues greater than abandonment issues. Temptation and luring men into her home overnight is not innocent.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#3
#3
spunkycat08 said:
The reason why I am posting this is because of an incident that happened in 2012 when my husband and I were a couple.

A female friend of his, who was in her forties a that time and has abandonment issues stemming from her childhood, wanted him to come over to her place on a Friday night to 1) hang stuff from her ceiling and 2) stay over at her place until the following morning. She wanted to have dinner with him at her place, watch tv, and stay up late talking. He would have slept on her couch while she slept in her bedroom. She also wanted to have breakfast with him the following morning before leaving. This all happened after she and a male friend of hers argued.

I was against the entire plan at that time. He ended up not going over. She was not happy about this, and she stopped talking to him for several months until sometime in 2013. This was before I was made aware of her abandonment issues stemming from her childhood by my husband a couple of years later. Neither one of us know if she is seeing or has seen a therapist regarding this.

His feeling about this years later is that she uses her friends as her own personal therapist. The reason why he feels this way is because she came to us in the past regarding the problems she and her male friend were having while the 2 of them were friends as well as when they were dating. Her abandonment issues cropped up during these discussions.

So my question is this.

How would God want us to handle a situation like this when we are either in a relationship or are married?

At that time he did not pray about it or seek God's wisdom and guidance. He wanted to do what she asked of him.
Click to expand...
It sounds like she intentionally sets up situations for men to have to abandon her. Try to get her to get counseling. And, I mean you, not your husband. Obviously, she does have issues with men and tries to use them, so she isn't in the place to hear it from any man.
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#4
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#4
notuptome said:
I'm glad he abandoned the plan. Never should a man go over to a woman's house and do what she suggested. It is a recipe for disaster to any man who values his reputation for the Lord. Never be alone with a woman who thinks like this one does. She has issues greater than abandonment issues. Temptation and luring men into her home overnight is not innocent.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
Click to expand...
Thank you for your reply.

It seems that she goes after unavailable men.

Her male friend is unavailable because he could not provide her emotional needs.
My husband at that time was unavailable because he could not provide her emotional needs.
Now the guy who she is trying to convince to date her definitely cannot provide her emotional needs since he has many issues of his own, including being diagnosed with depression years ago and being in failed relationships with women in the past.

So neither one of them could help her in the long-run.
It would have caused more harm than good.

The only one who can help her is God.
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#5
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#5
Depleted said:
It sounds like she intentionally sets up situations for men to have to abandon her. Try to get her to get counseling. And, I mean you, not your husband. Obviously, she does have issues with men and tries to use them, so she isn't in the place to hear it from any man.
Click to expand...
I was thinking the same thing.
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#6
#6
spunkycat08 said:
The reason why I am posting this is because of an incident that happened in 2012 when my husband and I were a couple.

A female friend of his, who was in her forties a that time and has abandonment issues stemming from her childhood, wanted him to come over to her place on a Friday night to 1) hang stuff from her ceiling and 2) stay over at her place until the following morning. She wanted to have dinner with him at her place, watch tv, and stay up late talking. He would have slept on her couch while she slept in her bedroom. She also wanted to have breakfast with him the following morning before leaving. This all happened after she and a male friend of hers argued.

I was against the entire plan at that time. He ended up not going over. She was not happy about this, and she stopped talking to him for several months until sometime in 2013. This was before I was made aware of her abandonment issues stemming from her childhood by my husband a couple of years later. Neither one of us know if she is seeing or has seen a therapist regarding this.

His feeling about this years later is that she uses her friends as her own personal therapist. The reason why he feels this way is because she came to us in the past regarding the problems she and her male friend were having while the 2 of them were friends as well as when they were dating. Her abandonment issues cropped up during these discussions.

So my question is this.

How would God want us to handle a situation like this when we are either in a relationship or are married?

At that time he did not pray about it or seek God's wisdom and guidance. He wanted to do what she asked of him.
Click to expand...
He should do that you asked, not what she wants.

That is just strange.

Why does it have to be just men?

Why not both of you if she is really in need of company?

It sounds like she wants a husband or boyfriend. Your husband needs to make it clear that he is taken and that sleeping over at another woman's house instead of with his wife is emotional adultery.

If she needs someone to cling to, point her to Jesus. God is always there and willing to listen to prayers.

I would recommend she talk to a WOMAN therapist or counselor hopefully Christian.

She probably needs help working through issues, but it should be with a woman mentor and not a man.
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#7
#7
spunkycat08 said:
Thank you for your reply.

It seems that she goes after unavailable men.

Her male friend is unavailable because he could not provide her emotional needs.
My husband at that time was unavailable because he could not provide her emotional needs.
Now the guy who she is trying to convince to date her definitely cannot provide her emotional needs since he has many issues of his own, including being diagnosed with depression years ago and being in failed relationships with women in the past.

So neither one of them could help her in the long-run.
It would have caused more harm than good.

The only one who can help her is God.
Click to expand...
Your last statement is what she needs to learn.

When you expect men to play the role of God and fulfill your emotional needs Then you have made relationships with men your idol and will always be disappointed.

Until she allows God to heal her, she isn't ready for a real loving relationship with a man without hurting both her and them.
 
G

Galatea

Guest
#8
#8
Call me skeptical, but it sounds like she has wanting to be with men she should not be with problems. Like married men. There are some women who intentionally seek out married men because they want to see if they can lure them from their wives. It is a power game. If she really had abandonment issues and was afraid of being alone at night, wouldn't she be frightened every night? Or wouldn't she like two people overnight rather than one? The more the merrier, I should think.

Sounds kind of fishy to me, besides women with abandonment issues with men generally don't want ANYTHING to do with men, as they are afraid of being abandoned. This lady is the other way around. People who have abandonment issues tend to PUSH people away so as to "reject the rejection". It's like a preventative measure.

I just don't buy her story, but I think you should pray for her, especially to see the folly of inviting a married man to spend the night, for goodness' sake.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#9
Mar 13, 2014
41,313
16,301
113
69
Tennessee
#9
Seeing as you two were a couple it would have been foolish and inappropriate for your husband to have gone to her place for a cozy overnight get-together. Even though you didn't pray about this God was looking out for your relationship with your husband to be.
 
dalyn

dalyn

Junior Member
#10
Feb 9, 2017
17
22
3
#10
I have abandonment Issues. Once upon a time I was one of those groping in the dark and light waiting for the man that is meant for me, it didn't happen, until I starts to open my heart and risk a chance. I met the father of my 1st son, but he abandoned me a couple of months while pregnant after all his sweet talks that he wanted our child. We didnt communicate for a while. But when I delivered, I felt lonely for my son, for me it is resistable as I am only on leave and can go back to work, plus I know I am pretty, I didnt loose hope and accepts, if ever I made mistake, most people does, my issue is not a first encounter, I let him know, and so he came back, I quit my job as he asked saying he wants to start over, but again after a couple of months, he abandoned us again, he kept in touch on the computer, but it doesnt looks like how long distance relationship is, he wouldnt provide for my emotional needs, we dont talk about us, we only talk about music, he is a musician, we normally dont see each other for long months, and see each other ones in a while, but when we do, it is still cold. He believe he has OCD, reason why he cant stay with us, I think he has autism, my son got it from his side of the family, 2 of his brothers have autism. It could be the reason I dont know. Galatea is right, I starts to dislike man because of everything about my sons daddy, after my emotional needs arent provided I became lonely, I feels like seeking cure, but I started pushing people away, all I wanted is to be alone by myself, I dont want to risk anymore, specially if i am not sure with the people I'd be with cant be trusted. some people who arent provided emotional needs ends up taking revenge by cheating and stealing what others have. Your husband shouldnt give it a chance, not on a close doors. I also thought that if your relationship with your husband is so much of a value to you, you should help him not to be tempted, and discuss matters with him.

But what I said were my story, not God story, If it was Jesus, he wouldnt be much bothered am sure, for he surrenders it all to the father, and by faith, there shouldnt be any worries, pray, and he will lead you with the right thing to do, say, at the perfect timing surely comfortable to you and your husband.
 
Last edited:
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#11
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#11
Galatea said:
Call me skeptical, but it sounds like she has wanting to be with men she should not be with problems. Like married men. There are some women who intentionally seek out married men because they want to see if they can lure them from their wives. It is a power game. If she really had abandonment issues and was afraid of being alone at night, wouldn't she be frightened every night? Or wouldn't she like two people overnight rather than one? The more the merrier, I should think.

Sounds kind of fishy to me, besides women with abandonment issues with men generally don't want ANYTHING to do with men, as they are afraid of being abandoned. This lady is the other way around. People who have abandonment issues tend to PUSH people away so as to "reject the rejection". It's like a preventative measure.

I just don't buy her story, but I think you should pray for her, especially to see the folly of inviting a married man to spend the night, for goodness' sake.
Click to expand...
This all happened when we were dating.
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#12
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#12
dalyn said:
I have abandonment Issues. Once upon a time I was one of those groping in the dark and light waiting for the man that is meant for me, it didn't happen, until I starts to open my heart and risk a chance. I met the father of my 1st son, but he abandoned me a couple of months while pregnant after all his sweet talks that he wanted our child. We didnt communicate for a while. But when I delivered, I felt lonely for my son, for me it is resistable as I am only on leave and can go back to work, plus I know I am pretty, I didnt loose hope and accepts, if ever I made mistake, most people does, my issue is not a first encounter, I let him know, and so he came back, I quit my job as he asked saying he wants to start over, but again after a couple of months, he abandoned us again, he kept in touch on the computer, but it doesnt looks like how long distance relationship is, he wouldnt provide for my emotional needs, we dont talk about us, we only talk about music, he is a musician, we normally dont see each other for long months, and see each other ones in a while, but when we do, it is still cold. He believe he has OCD, reason why he cant stay with us, I think he has autism, my son got it from his side of the family, 2 of his brothers have autism. It could be the reason I dont know. Galatea is right, I starts to dislike man because of everything about my sons daddy, after my emotional needs arent provided I became lonely, I feels like seeking cure, but I started pushing people away, all I wanted is to be alone by myself, I dont want to risk anymore, specially if i am not sure with the people I'd be with cant be trusted. some people who arent provided emotional needs ends up taking revenge by cheating and stealing what others have. Your husband shouldnt give it a chance, not on a close doors. I also thought that if your relationship with your husband is so much of a value to you, you should help him not to be tempted, and discuss matters with him.

But what I said were my story, not God story, If it was Jesus, he wouldn't be much bothered am sure, for he surrenders it all to the father, and by faith, there shouldn't be any worries, pray, and he will lead you with the right thing to do, say, at the perfect timing surely comfortable to you and your husband.
Click to expand...
This all happened when we were dating.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#13
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#13
Abandonment issues aside, that's no reason to try to get hubby to go over there and stay the night with her because she's scared of being alone. Ain't no way my guy would be going over without me.. lol
 
G

Galatea

Guest
#14
#14
spunkycat08 said:
This all happened when we were dating.
Click to expand...
Yes, but any woman with a lick of common sense would know it is off limits to ask a man who is dating someone else to stay over for the night to make her feel "safe". We're Christians and know better, but I venture to say most non Christians know this is not appropriate behavior. It is just something that is not done, and sounds not very nice. This is my opinion, anyway. I could be wrong, of course. I don't know her- it just sounds like strange behavior.
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#15
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#15
Galatea said:
Yes, but any woman with a lick of common sense would know it is off limits to ask a man who is dating someone else to stay over for the night to make her feel "safe". We're Christians and know better, but I venture to say most non Christians know this is not appropriate behavior. It is just something that is not done, and sounds not very nice. This is my opinion, anyway. I could be wrong, of course. I don't know her- it just sounds like strange behavior.
Click to expand...
I agree with you.
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#16
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#16
blue_ladybug said:
Abandonment issues aside, that's no reason to try to get hubby to go over there and stay the night with her because she's scared of being alone. Ain't no way my guy would be going over without me.. lol
Click to expand...
I agree with you.
 
S

spunkycat08

Senior Member
#17
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#17
This link reminds me of what she possibly wanted as well as what another female friend of his at that time wanted.

For the other female friend, she contacted him via Facebook Messenger last year and admitted that she wanted to date him while the 2 of us were a couple. The 2 of us were a couple beginning in 2011, and so that was probably when she wanted to date him as well. My instincts told me the entire time he knew the other female friend back then that she did want to date him as well.

Here is the link.

https://www.christianmingle.com/believe/can-you-really-be-just-friends/#wY7zxpCfjTZHBADj.97
 
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