Postoperative Wife is angry or frustrated with me

[InTheCave]

Anyone who can help.

This is my first time as a postoperative spouse. My wife just had some major open heart surgery and she's handling it like a trooper. The problem is...she just isn't acting like herself. I come to see her once a day and I sit with her. However, when I try to strike up a conversation or ask questions I either get the cold shoulder or a snippy response. I understand she is in a ton of pain way more than I can even fathom. So I ask should I leave her alone? I didn't get a response. She eventually told me to leave. I asked her if she wanted me to come tomorrow or just stay at home. She told me that it was up to me. I would normally be more forthcoming with communicating with her, but after an open heart surgery I don't want to rock the boat so I just left and decided I would wait a few hours and send her a text.

Long story short, the signals she gives me are as if she is fed up with me and doesn't want me there, but then again she acts upset everytime I decide I have been too annoying and decide to leave.

I want to go see her tomorrow, but should I just give her space? Is this normal for a postoperative spouse to not want to see her husband? I just want to do what is right, the problem is I don't know what is right.

 

[Amberlight]

Anyone who can help.

This is my first time as a postoperative spouse. My wife just had some major open heart surgery and she's handling it like a trooper. The problem is...she just isn't acting like herself. I come to see her once a day and I sit with her. However, when I try to strike up a conversation or ask questions I either get the cold shoulder or a snippy response. I understand she is in a ton of pain way more than I can even fathom. So I ask should I leave her alone? I didn't get a response. She eventually told me to leave. I asked her if she wanted me to come tomorrow or just stay at home. She told me that it was up to me. I would normally be more forthcoming with communicating with her, but after an open heart surgery I don't want to rock the boat so I just left and decided I would wait a few hours and send her a text.

Long story short, the signals she gives me are as if she is fed up with me and doesn't want me there, but then again she acts upset everytime I decide I have been too annoying and decide to leave.

I want to go see her tomorrow, but should I just give her space? Is this normal for a postoperative spouse to not want to see her husband? I just want to do what is right, the problem is I don't know what is right.

I would give her some space.

It is obvious that she has some emotional things going on and in those cases it is usually best let a woman to be.

You could end her a text tomorrow in lines.

"You want me to come over or are you feeling too tired and want to rest?"

It will give her a easy neutral way to say she wants some time for herself.
Also it wont be direct rejection and you do not get so upset if she "needs rest"

Take it slowly.. i know as a husband myself it is hard at times when one feels there is friction or argument between your spouse.
We men like to "resolve" it there and then but women often need time to "cool" and relax before they are ready to open and make up.

Prayer is never is wasted so pray for your marriage to heal and show lot of kindness and love to your wife.
Not for reward but as expression of you inner spirit.

 

[Desertsrose]

Anyone who can help.

This is my first time as a postoperative spouse. My wife just had some major open heart surgery and she's handling it like a trooper. The problem is...she just isn't acting like herself. I come to see her once a day and I sit with her. However, when I try to strike up a conversation or ask questions I either get the cold shoulder or a snippy response. I understand she is in a ton of pain way more than I can even fathom. So I ask should I leave her alone? I didn't get a response. She eventually told me to leave. I asked her if she wanted me to come tomorrow or just stay at home. She told me that it was up to me. I would normally be more forthcoming with communicating with her, but after an open heart surgery I don't want to rock the boat so I just left and decided I would wait a few hours and send her a text.

Long story short, the signals she gives me are as if she is fed up with me and doesn't want me there, but then again she acts upset everytime I decide I have been too annoying and decide to leave.

I want to go see her tomorrow, but should I just give her space? Is this normal for a postoperative spouse to not want to see her husband? I just want to do what is right, the problem is I don't know what is right.

​Hi Inthecave,

Wow, so young for her to have heart surgery.

​It's common for those who have undergone heart surgery to become depressed. And yeah, she's in a lot of pain.

Keep seeing her, she needs you more now than ever, even if it doesn't seem like it. You might want to bring her little gifts, things you know she likes.

What I would recommend is that you speak with one of the nurses and talk with her about your wife's attitude and responses. They can help to counsel you and show you how to help your wife through the depression.

I will pray for you both. God bless you!

And welcome to CC!

 

[preacher4truth]

Anyone who can help.

This is my first time as a postoperative spouse. My wife just had some major open heart surgery and she's handling it like a trooper. The problem is...she just isn't acting like herself. I come to see her once a day and I sit with her. However, when I try to strike up a conversation or ask questions I either get the cold shoulder or a snippy response. I understand she is in a ton of pain way more than I can even fathom. So I ask should I leave her alone? I didn't get a response. She eventually told me to leave. I asked her if she wanted me to come tomorrow or just stay at home. She told me that it was up to me. I would normally be more forthcoming with communicating with her, but after an open heart surgery I don't want to rock the boat so I just left and decided I would wait a few hours and send her a text.

Long story short, the signals she gives me are as if she is fed up with me and doesn't want me there, but then again she acts upset everytime I decide I have been too annoying and decide to leave.

I want to go see her tomorrow, but should I just give her space? Is this normal for a postoperative spouse to not want to see her husband? I just want to do what is right, the problem is I don't know what is right.

Stay with her and visit her. She's feeling bad about this and herself and wants to see if she can run you off so don't do it. Be faithful, she needs you so be strong and stay committed, she is testing you in her time of need imo.

 

[Ugly]

I also think going to visit. Even if you sit without talking, just being there will likely mean more than she admits right now.
People with serious health issues often take their frustrations out on their spouse. My dad went through this with my mom. But her problem wasn't with him. She was just afraid and venting. Perhaps the same in this case. Just be there quietly.

 

[Dan58]

I come to see her once a day and I sit with her. However, when I try to strike up a conversation or ask questions I either get the cold shoulder or a snippy response. I understand she is in a ton of pain way more than I can even fathom. So I ask should I leave her alone? I didn't get a response. She eventually told me to leave. I asked her if she wanted me to come tomorrow or just stay at home. She told me that it was up to me.

Don't over-think it..When people are in a lot of pain and trying to recover, they aren't in any mood to carry on long conversations and answer questions. I'd just stop in briefly each day to see how she's doing and then leave. If you've ever had the flu, you really don't want someone coming in to strike up a conversation when your head is in the toilet .. To the contrary, you just want them to leave. Your wife was just sliced open like a ripe melon, so she's going to be very moody for a while, but don't take it to heart and give her a little space. No two hour bedside chats, just in and out Hi and Bye visits. I'd give the texting a rest too... jmo

 

[longtrekker]

.
Maybe take a book with u - sit n read quietly. Have a nice meal in the cafeteria - do some paperwork there and maybe just pop in and out a coupla times...

 

[blue_ladybug]

My mom has had quadruple heart bypass surgery.. She didn't have much pain afterward. If your wife is in so much agony, talk to the doctors and find out why..

 

[Ruth]

Medications affect ppl in different ways and my guess is your wife is affected by the medications as well as the emotional and physical reactions to surgery. Give her time at least 6 wks. to get back to the way you know her.

 

[notuptome]

She is likely depressed as a result of either meds, anxiety or simply overwhelmed by the whole situation. She needs prayer and counseling with a Christian counselor. Do you have a pastor to visit her or some other Christian women in the church that are able to pray with her and just talk to her?

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[tourist]

Your wife just had a traumatic experience, still in pain, probably with some anxiety about her health and recovery, and most likely physically and emotionally drained. Pop in for short visits and give her the space that she needs. Don't suffocate her by hanging around her constantly if it is obvious that she is tired and stressed. She will eventually come around but this will take time.

 

[Depleted]

Anyone who can help.

This is my first time as a postoperative spouse. My wife just had some major open heart surgery and she's handling it like a trooper. The problem is...she just isn't acting like herself. I come to see her once a day and I sit with her. However, when I try to strike up a conversation or ask questions I either get the cold shoulder or a snippy response. I understand she is in a ton of pain way more than I can even fathom. So I ask should I leave her alone? I didn't get a response. She eventually told me to leave. I asked her if she wanted me to come tomorrow or just stay at home. She told me that it was up to me. I would normally be more forthcoming with communicating with her, but after an open heart surgery I don't want to rock the boat so I just left and decided I would wait a few hours and send her a text.

Long story short, the signals she gives me are as if she is fed up with me and doesn't want me there, but then again she acts upset everytime I decide I have been too annoying and decide to leave.

I want to go see her tomorrow, but should I just give her space? Is this normal for a postoperative spouse to not want to see her husband? I just want to do what is right, the problem is I don't know what is right.

You're 29, so I'm guessing your wife is roughly your age. How many 20-somethings/30-somethings year old do you know who just had major heart surgery? And, if they did, what is the prognosis for the rest of their lives? Did climbing Mt. Everest just get taken off her bucket list at such a young age? True, it is unlikely she wanted to climb Mt. Everest, but it's still something to realize you can't anymore. What else does this mean to her? She's facing her own mortality and you think it's all about you?

Truthfully, I'd want you out too. Because here I am in pain, (and of course it hurts, or she wouldn't still be in the hospital), coming to terms with limits most 20somethings don't have to face so quickly, realizing it's stupid to worry about that, when it wasn't even a guarantee I'd make it through that operation and that operation was on my most valued organ, and yeah, I shouldn't be so upset now, yet I am, because I may never be able to accomplish my biggest goals in life now, and HE (husband) is most worried about "conversation?" Conversation? Hell, I'm scared poopless, (and since she just had heart surgery, it is quite likely she already was poopless), and he wants me to entertain HIM?

And that's just the beginning of what I'd be thinking.

What is your wife thinking? No idea! Because I'm not her and the one person who should know was busy trying to make conversation and sit.

Hints for Marriage 101: Don't ask strangers online what's going on with your wife. Ask her!

This doesn't just work for now. It is the one thing that always works in marriage. Communicate, don't converse. And make sure it is all about her, when it needs to be all about her. You get to come home every night. She gets stuck in that hospital where people are poking her every other minute from 5 AM to midnight, making her get even sorer by having her get out of bed and move (or sit, which isn't any better than move after your chest has been ripped opened), and telling her stuff that she will have trouble remembering, or believing, or accepting, and maybe, just maybe, she shouldn't be accepting because it's crap, and Mt. Everest isn't off the table yet, but she needs someone on her side to talk about all this stuff.

In short be there for her even if she is grumpy, because she's supposed to be grumpy. She was just handed something she didn't expect out of life way too soon.

The reasons why my husband was grumpy in the hospital, and even for a while after he got home:
1. Because he had very little control over what was happening to him, and for the longest time, he thought he had no control. (Let your wife know she can refuse the 2 AM wake up to check her vitals. Just because they say they have to, doesn't mean they really have to. She can find out why they "have to" and then decide for herself they really do or don't.)
2. Because the staff knew that and therefore kept making him do things that are against his nature or that made him hurt even more.
3. Because the only way to get them to act on his behalf was to yell at them, until they realized he was really talking to them, even if he was being nice about it.
4. Because he really didn't want to be told "get your rest" all the while knowing they were going to wake him up so often, he could never get real rest.
5. Because I got to go home every day after visiting him, and he didn't get to go with me.
6. HE ALMOST DIED AND IT TERRIFIED HIM!

All valid reasons to be grumpy, even to me.

 

[Depleted]

My mom has had quadruple heart bypass surgery.. She didn't have much pain afterward. If your wife is in so much agony, talk to the doctors and find out why..

When John was first in ICU, he wasn't awake to talk to when I visited, so I had lots of time to hear and watch what was going on around me.

One man was screaming like he had been run over by a car but not left unconscious. I heard the nurses telling him they knew it hurt that bad, but he had to sit up this quickly after the heart surgery or complications set in. He kept screaming, they kept encouraging. And they kept giving him high praise when he did it. (Still screaming, but he did it.)

I got to watch 1-2 other patients walk by, holding onto a walker for dear life, while a stream of nurses followed them -- up to two nurses just for the IV poles and gadgets, (only eight IVs fit onto one pole, and a ventilator might have and EEG might have to go with him), one pushing a very large comfie chair behind him in case he started falling, (and later on I learned blue chairs are comfie chairs, brown chairs are torture, until you go to VA hospital, then browns are comfie, and blues are torture, lol), and two men by his side, for when he couldn't go anymore. All the while I watched the patient's face. No more screams, but it was painful. And, I looked forward to seeing that pain in John's face, and was thankful he didn't wake up for six weeks or he would have screamed too.

There is great pain after heart surgery. And given it is unlikely a 29 year old is married to someone 50 or older, it is unlikely Cave's wife had bypass surgery. Nor is it likely she had either heart surgeries John had.

 

[oldethennew]

if you know that she really 'loves' you, just be you, showing that your Love is all 'about her'...

one thing that you and many others need to learn, and that is, when
we are given 'meds' that we have 'never' had before, they can really 'mess-us-up',
so be patient and totally kind to her needs, and always realize that she is
NOT HER NORMAL SELF, 'right now'...with God's Grace and prayer, she will
heal and even come to mean more to you than she ever was before all of this...

your 'mettle' is being 'TESTED', we pray that you pass this 'TEST',,.GBY all...

 

[RickWman]

So sorry about your situation. I'll assume that there wasn't anything negative going on between the both of you before the surgery. It could be the the surgery itself or pain meds might be causing her to be on edge, having mild depression. You need to give her a lot of peace, love and grace during her recovery time. Be there for her. Do not let your mind have negative thoughts about her or her situation. I'll pray and stand with you both as you go thru this. May peace, joy, love and your relationship be one again as you weather this temporary storm.

 

[Lighthearted]

​Hi Inthecave,

Wow, so young for her to have heart surgery.

​It's common for those who have undergone heart surgery to become depressed. And yeah, she's in a lot of pain.

Keep seeing her, she needs you more now than ever, even if it doesn't seem like it. You might want to bring her little gifts, things you know she likes.

What I would recommend is that you speak with one of the nurses and talk with her about your wife's attitude and responses. They can help to counsel you and show you how to help your wife through the depression.

I will pray for you both. God bless you!

And welcome to CC!

This is excellent advice! Being in healthcare for many years, I've seen this behavior. Some other ideas would be to take her some favorite music to listen to, maybe a new CD she'd enjoy...
Being in the hospital is a drag. I've had two surgeries in the last year myself. You don't get adequate rest, you're constantly being poked and prodded. Make sure to take her some flowers during her recovery if they'll allow them and a thoughtful card with a note from you reminding her how much you love her and why!

 

[Angela53510]

I was thinking meds and/or depression affecting her. And definitely ask! She might reply she doesn't want to tell you, but it's likely she might not really know. Surgery can be overwhelming, especially the first time.

I've had various surgeries, from hernia repair and appendix removal while 4 months pregnant to gall bladder, (didn't hurt at all, I didn't even need pain killers!) to major foot reconstruction surgery. While it's true you need lots of sleep after surgery, the one thing I personally wanted was my family! My husband was pretty good, and brought the kids, too!

But during the gall bladder stay, my husband's sister came into town, and they went to the ocean and the water slides. He was tired, and skipped visiting that day! I cried half the night, and couldn't sleep. Probably partly a reaction to the surgery, but just to illustrate that your best bet is to visit, bring something special and don't talk unless spoken to!

Of course, that is just me- only you know your wife and her needs! I pray it goes well for you!

 

[Lynn68]

Boy, I can totally relate to your wife. I was in a motorcycle vs. auto accident July 20, 2016. I had a shattered pelvis, head injury, a degloving injury on my right leg, all 5 metatarsal bones in my right foot were broken, etc etc.
Annnddd I also was a little short tempered with my husband, even though I didn't mean to be. Pain, injuries and medication take a toll on us. Try to not take how she is in this time, personally. Her life has been turned topsy turvy, and I know yours has been too.
Just be there for her, tell her you love her, and that you'll do what you can for her. Reassure her that you love her, no matter what. In sickness and in health.....
But I want to tell you that there in One Who can help you to get through this. I'm sure that you are having a hard time too, things are different for you too. Turn to Jesus.... for with man, this is impossible. But with God, ALL things are possible!

 

[ayoung73]

Go see her, bring a book, something to do and just be there by her side; she didn’t say don’t come back. Is there something special from home that she absolutely loves, bring it and tell her you thought this might make her more comfortable. I don’t know what’s appropriate for a post-op patient so bringing her a favorite flower might be out. Maybe her own pillow, you know what she’d love, bring it. Maybe write her a loving note, not coming back might appear to be abandoning her in her time of need.

Lord Jesus, bless and have mercy on this couple, help her to heal completely and to be restored in spirit and physically. Allow this to be a stepping stone to a more profitable life together in you Jesus, walking and working toward a better relationship in you Jesus Christ. Amen