Christian Marriage/Parental Advice Needed

[nikiimacc]

So i am 20 and i have a sister who is 17. We were born into a family where my biological dad had many issues so my mother divorced him when my sister was 6 months old. My mother remarried when i was 6 and my sister was 3, but we had know our new father for about 2 years now so we considered him our dad from the beginning. He had some very slight temper problems but he was an amazing father and he never went over the line as to hurt me or anyone else. We all have had many many MANY counselors and means of therapy and problems which have yet to be resolved, but my dad has completely changed his life around. For the past 4 years my mother has been very bitter and honestly evil and crazy at times. She has an enormous problem with forgiving my dad from any fights they had from the past and she likes to always accuse him of continuing those things almost every single day. Every year she has gotten worse and worse. It started with long fights that would last all through the night to actually beating my dad and recently she has formed a very dangerous alcohol addiction and a slight case of substance abuse. My family has always been very christian and religious especially my dad. My mother met him through the church because he was the youth pastor. His grandfather has been a pastor of his hometowns church his entire life and he has wanted to become a pastor one day also, but my mother hates that idea and will never let him do that. Here is where im struggling. Even though my mother has divorced my real dad she will not divorce my dad now no matter how much she claims to hate him and my dad will NEVER divorce her just because he is just so committed to Christ and the belief that you should never leave your spouse. It kills me every single day because honestly my dad really does somehow in his twisted way love my mother very much and honestly i beg for him to leave her almost everyday because of how much i watch her bring him down and hurt him. My mother has gone absolutely psychotic over the past few years and i want him to leave her so badly because i am tired of just watching him sink deeper and deeper into depression. He is younger than my mother and i strongly believe that he would have a better life all together without her and i feel like he could start over and be very happy. Is my dad doing the right thing by staying with my mom even though she abuses him and fights with him and has this alcoholic addiction or is he being completely wrong by staying with someone who does such terrible things to him... Someone please help!!!

 

[nathan3]

Seems complicated. I mean for me not so much. I would just leave. But, maybe he would feel lonely ,and having to meet new people can be a task when you have not done it for so long. If his self esteem has taken a beating over the years that adds to the difficulty. One plus I see in this is you. And Christ. Perhaps searching Christ teachings can help strengthen your resolve , and maybe you can pass some of that on to your father, and help your mother see a need to change. Some times just asking is a start.
Sincerely asking God, for help in Christ name in praying about this, couldn't hurt . And when all ells fails. Use space. space works. it also allows for some peace of mind and everyone to maybe, get some rest from the constant fighting.

If some how they can get to doing things on their own, or time way from each other... Oh, and you shine Christ love outward to everyone. Maybe they can learn from your example and words. A kind word turns away much wrath .Be subtle, wiser then the serpent. But gentle as a dove . etc etc etc etc. In the mean time, up lift everyone when you can to higher spirits. And try to get out of there yourself if it is too much for you to handle . Your no good to anyone if you succumb to the evil spirits pulling these strings. Never forget Christ.

 

[BarlyGurl]

I empathize with your problem... I understand your distress. PLEASE STOP giving your step-father marital advice, it is not your place to do that. I would encourage you to begin to pray that God intervene between your mother and step-father, God sees the disorder going on and he knows the outcome... ask him to intervene and bring peace and harmony to your family... by reconcilliation or by division... and expect to see it happen... pray and WATCH for him.

 

[Lucy68]

I'm sorry you and you're family are going through such a hard time. Trying to be what God wants you to be while people around you are determined to keep you firmly rooted in the world is very hard to deal with. WHAT TO DO? Your mom really needs help with her issues. It's good of your dad to stick with his marriage vows...this does seem to be the 'worse' part of his marriage right now. But it doesn't have to stay like that.

Have you and your dad talked to your mom seriously about her anger and unhappiness? The probability of her being open to a conversation is greater if you can leave out all of your own hurt and resentment and present to her your concern over her apparent despair and unhappiness that is coming out in hostility. Alcohol and prescription drugs will just make this worse...it does not deal with the underlying issues.

Is there a counselor that she might be open to going to? It may be best to find a counselor that doesn't know her or your family personally. Many times it's easier to talk to a stranger!

Praying for you and your family! Especially that your mom begins to be aware that something(s) is bothering her that is coming out in bad ways and that she will want to get help. Disappointment, resentment, and bitterness can lead us into a very dark place and many times, we need help in getting out of it. Especially in our later years.

 

[JGPS]

It's a pity your step-father won't take control of the situation. Like you said, its a twisted love that allows her to go on like that. He probably doesn't want to make things worse by confronting her. But if she has the problems you say she has she has to be stoped.

Like Nathan said: Seems complicated. I mean for me not so much. But I'd tell her she can't drink that much anymore and that we will to find her whatever help she needs to stop. I would tell her that she does not tell her family that she hates them, and would not allow her to hit, by physically staying her hand if nessisary. If she left that would be her choice, not mine.

But neither what Nathan or I would do really helps you. It sounds like you think your step-dad earned some of the hate and has to work through it. That takes a long time. So the question is do you think he is handling the situation well? It sounds like he's not handling the situation perfectly (alcoholism needs to be addressed) but by being long-suffering he is making a go at making things better.

 

[Kefa52]

Are you living in this situation? It sounds like their relationship is dragging you down also. Get away from it and spend time with God.
Your parents are adults and they are responsible for their own choices.
If they ask for help within the strength that God gives you then that is OK.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is get our own relationship with God right, and folks will see and follow.

It is obvious that you love your parents but Don't let them drag you down with their choices of sin..

 

[nikiimacc]

the problem is our family is extreme good at communication. we always try to sit down and talk about thing and we have learned this from the guidance of numerous counselors. i know me personally, i have been to over 10 counselors since i was about 13 either alone or with my parents but every time something beings to be addressed especially if it is directed at my mother, she stops going and starts making up reasons why she feels as though that counselor is unfit for this family anymore. the alcoholism isn't a upfront issue. my mother used to drink a glass of wine every night for about two years then we started to notice that she would go to it when she was angry and it would make a small problem a lot worse than it needed to be so we came to an agreement that we were not going to have alcohol in the home anymore. the reason i believe she is an alcoholic is because whenever we get into fights now, she just leaves the house for hours and has multiple times (and i mean 20+) come home anywhere from buzzed to drunk and we usually end up finding liquor in water bottles hidden in her car or cheap gas station liqueurs in a coffee cup in the front seat. i usually try to stop her from leaving when shes mad now because i am terrified that she is doing to get into a drunk driving car accident and kill herself or someone else. we have caught on to her demeanor of how she acts when shes drinking and usually if she isn't caught that night, there is alcohol found in her car or somewhere in her room within the next week. my dad for some reason is extremely against admitting that she is an alcoholic of any kind. he will not agree to sit down with the family and just make a ultimatum with her to go get help. his beliefs are that if she is going to get better that it is going to be because of the work of God and honestly i believe that is true, but at this point i feel as though it will require farther actions through a rehab or some sort of observation facility where she doesn't have a choice to attend something like a counseling session and they can watch how she acts and reacts to everyday problems. yes at the moment i am stuck living at home so i am very consumed in this and it does affect me deeply. i moved out a year ago and had to move back in the fall and i have yet to even be close to having enough money to move out again and pay for a home again. honestly at this point i feel as though it will lead to my dads suicide and i am not kidding by saying that. i have never seen him more depressed than he has been within the past year. i know this sounds a little dramatic, but he has very very bad cholesterol to where doctors have warned him that he could have a heart attack at any time if he doesnt eat properly and for the past three weeks i am not joking by saying this, he has brought home and ate an entire pizza or hot wings every single night because he gets discounts from his job and i think he is maybe trying to give himself a heart attack subconsciously so that he wont have to bare with this anymore. i do not give my parents marital advice by the way and even if i tried it would be shot down very quickly so this is not necessarily for them it is just for my own sanity and reference maybe even for my future marriage, God forbid if i were to be in a similar scenario.
you have all been very kind though and it makes me feel wonderful that even though none of you know me you are willing to go out of your way to speak to me and let me know that Gods love is real and there are still people out there who are willing to let it shine through them.

 

[piper27]

This sounds liket the tangled web of alcohol addiction. Its literally called a 'family addiction' because the non-drinkers are 'addicted' to the behaviour of the alcohol abuser. You all need specific help. There are programs that like al-anon, and other co-dependant type counselling that can help you divide the truth that gets masqueraded in chaos. I feel for you. It took me 16 years to summon the courage to change; pray for your dad, but get the help you need.

And above all, stop trying to circumvent your mom's consequences. She has done a good job at surrounding herself with loving people that 'help' her with her addiction. I know; it feels like a loving help, but its not. She needs to feel the consequences of her choices. Like - you moving out, a DUI, whatever. She probably does a pretty good job at blaming all of you around her for all her misery; and she is miserable. I will pray that you will have the courage to do what you need to do to get healthy, and to pray for your dad.

Pray that he seeks the wisdom of some Godly counsel around him. Once we get over the shame of addiction, there is so much support. Also, there is NO shame in Christ Jesus, so any shame that might be attached with this is satans attempt to keep things under cover so light cannot expose the darkness. Your mom is a child of God, and needs the right kind of love and support to overcome this attack on her life.
Blessings to you, i will be praying. It does get better.

 

[BarlyGurl]

the problem is our family is extreme good at communication.

Nikii.... saying that your family is GOOD at communication and then go on to cite a very convoluted and sick relational dynamic refutes that your family has good communication. Truly good communication means issues are RESOLVED and that there is HARMONY or things are moving in that direction ... you have depicted destruction from the inside out. What you can do... and I encourage it...is copy your mothers liscense plate number and every time she leaves the house to drive drunk or you see her about town... call the police and report her... give her plate number, car model, her location and the direction she is traveling and state that she has been drinking.... and pray that God protect others and that she be caught. That is a civil duty.

 

[JGPS]

Oh dear, that eating sounds just as dangerous or more as the alcoholism... Bad coping mechanisms.

Any chance of getting them to indulge in some good coping mechanisms? Taking time off for a trip or getting involved in things they like but haven't done for a while? A little less stress may help.

Of course what is needed is a whole lot of forgiveness on both their parts and determination to do better, and divine help with that would be quite an asset. But a little break and some enjoyment can help make it easier to forgive and move on.

Have you talked to their pastor about it?

 

[intercessorginger]

Wow, this is really rough and I feel for you going through this. Even though we might think we know what is best, only the individuals involved (meaning your parents themselves) can make a decision like seperation or divorce. Since you are of age, I think the best thing for you to do is get your own place and begin to build a life outside of the chaos you are now in. Once you are away from all of it, you will be able to have peace and also to pray about it better. Remember God loves them ( and you) very dearly and he can turn the situation around.