Helping people with same sex attraction when they come to you for help: What to say?

[1still_waters]

(Please don't use this thread to debate the rightness or wrongness of same sex attraction. This is a thread about how to help them. Debate right and wrong in another thread. This thread assumes it's wrong, because the Bible says so. If you want to debate that, then go to another thread.)

I've had people from time to time coming to me on CC asking for help with same sex attraction.
I'm always left feeling helpless.
This sin seems so complicated, that I'm left with no answers.

Yet if sin is sin, then the struggle against this sin should be approached the same way as struggle against any other sin.
Below are things I'd suggest to anyone struggling with sin. Feel free to add to it or suggest edits.

1. Ask them if they believe and trust that the crucifixion, death, and resurrection of Jesus is enough to take away their sins, and restore them to fellowship and obedience to God the Father.
(If they don't believe this step, then they aren't even in relationship with the one who will give them power to overcome.)

Romans 1
16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile.17 For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by faith from first to last,[e] just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”[f]

2. Ask them if they attend church/regularly meet with fellow believers to worship, exercise gifts, hear the word.
(They may get bogged down on the word "church". Convey to them the concept of regular fellowship with believers in person.)
God works through people in His body. If they're cutting themselves off from church, then they're cutting themselves off from a means God uses to help us overcome sin.

Romans 12

3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function,5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a] faith;7

3. Ask them if they're looking to themselves or to Jesus for their ability to overcome same sex attraction.
If we can overcome sin by mere self determination and will, then we don't need Jesus. Instruct them to look to Jesus first and ask him for help.

John 15
5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Hebrews 4
14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,[f] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approachGod’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

4. Ask them if they are studying and applying God's word.

Psalm 119:11
11 I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.

5. Ask them if they are praying, and seeking power through prayer.

Philippians 4
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

6. Help them understand that the struggle against sin is an on going issue. Don't get discouraged if the temptations keep coming.

Philippians 3

12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Galatians 5
17 For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.

Please don't use this list as a checklist that will lead them into relying on their own will, and effort to overcome the same sex attraction. Doing such will just burden them. A list of demands will not lead to victory.

The Gospel is the power of God for salvation. Use this list to point them toward reliance on the power that comes from the Gospel.

 

[ww_21]

I ask them about it, if they are sure of their feelings and such, if they ask me if it's a sin... I say yes but I never ridicule them or make them feel bad about it simply because there is a 17 year old boy who took his own life a couple months ago because he was attracted to his own gender and everyone ridiculed him and shut him out for it. I will pray, talk about it, discuss it but I will not do anything that would make them uncomfortable. That 17 year old boy was my cousin.

 

[ji]

(Please don't use this thread to debate the rightness or wrongness of same sex attraction. This is a thread about how to help them. Debate right and wrong in another thread. This thread assumes it's wrong, because the Bible says so. If you want to debate that, then go to another thread.)

I've had people from time to time coming to me on CC asking for help with same sex attraction.
I'm always left feeling helpless.
This sin seems so complicated, that I'm left with no answers.

Yet if sin is sin, then the struggle against this sin should be approached the same way as struggle against any other sin.
Below are things I'd suggest to anyone struggle with sin. Feel free to add to it or suggest edits.

1. Ask them if they believe and trust that the crucifixion, death, and resurrection of Jesus is enough to take away their sins, and restore them to fellowship and obedience to God the Father.
(If they don't believe this step, then they aren't even in relationship with the one who will give them power to overcome.)




2. Ask them if they attend church/regularly meet with fellow believers to worship, exercise gifts, hear the word.
(They may get bogged down on the word "church". Convey to them the concept of regular fellowship with believers in person.)
God works through people in His body. If they're cutting themselves off from church, then they're cutting themselves off from a means God uses to help us overcome sin.

Romans 12


3. Ask them if they're looking to themselves or to Jesus for their ability to overcome same sex attraction.
If we can overcome sin by mere self determination and will, then we don't need Jesus. Instruct them to look to Jesus first and ask him for help.





4. Ask them if they are studying and applying God's word.



5. Ask them if they are praying, and seeking power through prayer.



6. Help them understand that the struggle against sin is an on going issue. Don't get discouraged if the temptations keep coming.



Please don't use this list as a checklist that will lead them into relying on their own will, and effort to overcome the same sex attraction. Doing such will just burden them. A list of demands will not lead to victory.

The Gospel is the power of God for salvation. Use this list to point them toward reliance on the power that comes from the Gospel.

This is how its done...provided enough encouragement and desire to overcome situations one by one..

 

[JimJimmers]

I also think it helps to tell them you do not condone any form of fornication. Too many people are fine with members of their church living together unmarried, but bring down the law on homosexuals.

 

[Animus]

I think most people need help with their opposite sex attraction.

 

[1still_waters]

I think most people need help with their opposite sex attraction.

Yet if sin is sin, then the struggle against this sin should be approached the same way as struggle against any other sin.
Below are things I'd suggest to anyone struggle with sin. Feel free to add to it or suggest edits.

http://christianchat.com/christian-...-they-come-you-help-what-say.html#post1429139

 

[biscuit]

I think this is one of those "soul searching" issue and it is up to them to fight it and win. There isn't much we can do except cheer them on.

 

[Stephen63]

I know this doesn't sound "spiritual", but I would ask them if they had been properly checked out by a doctor for it. Some people have chemical imbalances, such as having high or low levels of hormones. Some who thought they were gay only needed their levels fixed. It doesn't fix everyone, but it might help show whether it's a physical problem or a spiritual one.

It's important that they know if they have all the same "parts". Some people have abnormalities where they have portions of both sexes. It's absolutely important that they understand in this case that it's not their fault, & that they not be treated as a freak by the church. They're people with feelings just like us.

It's important to know if their issue came upon them within a short amount of time or since childhood. I've personally known 2 women that went gay after marriage & having children & cheated on their husbands. Both had spiritual problems (one backslid, one possessed). There's a real spirit of homosexuality in the world. The woman that was possessed went to my home church years ago & had an older sister that was possessed also.(verified) They both are gay today.

 

[David_1]

Well, I don't get it. I thought most of you guys wanted Big Government to legislate this.

Are you now telling me, having Big Government control people's personal life does not overcome sin???

But then why are you are most right wing Christians spending most of your time getting Big Government into people's personal lives if it doesn't over come sin?

Sounds to me like you are doing Satan's work, and not Jesus' work then.

In terms of overcoming this sort of thing, I also have no clue because I don't think this is a choice I ever made. I was always straight.

But I suggest removing yourself from friends and temptation and lifestyle.

If I want to give up strippers it might help that I don't visit the strip club every night. If you get the meaning.

 

[presidente]

I ask them about it, if they are sure of their feelings and such, if they ask me if it's a sin... I say yes but I never ridicule them or make them feel bad about it simply because there is a 17 year old boy who took his own life a couple months ago because he was attracted to his own gender and everyone ridiculed him and shut him out for it. I will pray, talk about it, discuss it but I will not do anything that would make them uncomfortable. That 17 year old boy was my cousin.

Hebrews 10:24-26 and that verse from earlier in the chapter that says, 'but exhort one another daily while it is called today lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin' would fit in really good right there in your post.

Also, James 5 says to confess your sins one to another and pray one for another.


Romans 6 is another good key to freedom. Verse 14 (NIV) says,
[SUP]14 [/SUP]For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.

In John 8, Jesus said that he that commits sin is a slave to sin. God wants us to be free from those sins that so easily beset us.

Romans 6 also says not to yield your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin, but yield yourselves unto God. Our body parts are our members. Jesus warned that He that looks at a woman in order to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. A man can choose not to look with lust on a woman, and a homosexual can choose not to engage in lustful looking or thoughts.

Consider also verse 11 of Romans 6
[SUP]11 [/SUP]In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.
(NIV)

How we count ourselves is important. You hear phrases like 'homosexual Christian' or 'gay Christian.' But you don't hear 'fornicator Christian' or 'adulterer Christian.' Whatever sin we were in no longer defines us. We are dead to that and alive to God. The person with same sex attraction needs to consider himself to be dead to sin and alive to God, and not label himself by a sin he wants to do. His identity needs to be wrapped up in Christ, not some sort of sexual behavior. For a lot of homosexuals, homosexuality is their identity. It can almost be like a religion. They have a community supporting their sexual sin or inclination toward it as a matter of identity. They need to change their thinking on this matter.

 

[Animus]

http://christianchat.com/christian-...-they-come-you-help-what-say.html#post1429139

I think any man that struggles with lust should be able to relate, or an alcoholic that struggles with drinking, or a glutton that struggles with food addiction. I realize that this, and my original comment, add nothing, but I suppose my point is that I don't think that people are so unable to relate as they might think, but instead, only unwilling to admit that they can relate in having desires that they know are wrong.

Now, I usually don't like to get into this, because I might just have bad theology, but I think point 3 can be easily misunderstood.

"If we can overcome sin by mere self determination and will, then we don't need Jesus. Instruct them to look to Jesus first and ask him for help."

The Bible often tells us what to do, but not how to do it. I think Jesus and the Holy Spirit working in us is the thing that causes and inspires us to want to change, but it does not always tell us exactly how to change. Truly wanting to change is by far the most important step, but it is not the only step. Like David_1 said, "If I want to give up strippers it might help that I don't visit the strip club every night." There needs to be an understanding that there will be work involved, and sacrifices to be made. "If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell." I think it's important that they find out what the "right eye" in their life is, whether it be a friend, or a TV show, or the internet.

 

[Jda016]

In alot of cases, men who struggle with same sex attraction are not simply looking for sex, but for a meaningful friendship.

there are some cases, but not all, where the men lacked a good father figure or role model and are seeking for someone to look up to. Satan can sometimes interfere and make these men feel sexual towards the men they look up to.

I guess my point is, isolation can increase feelings of same sex attraction. Sometimes having meaningful relationships with the same sex can alleviate sexual desire. But again each case is different.

being open and honest are incredibly I portent to people who struggle with this.

i would also like to point out that there is an INCREDIBLE amount of shame that is associated with same sex attraction. This type of guilt and shame is not generally shared by people who are attracted to the opposite sex. Praying against shame and guilt is awfully important.

 

[Jda016]

While same sex attraction is not a choice, having sex with someone is.

Ultimately it comes down to who do you love more, Jesus, or yourself.

This is a very hard cross to bear, because it essentially means celibacy. However, if this person loves God more and continually asks God for the power to overcome temptation, then they can live a life that is free from the bondage of homosexuality.

there are many other facets to it, but in the end it comes down to "who do you love more?" That is the question that must be asked. It should not be asked rudely, but in love as you help the person through it. But this only works with those who want to live their lives fully for Christ.

 

[acesneverwin]

I agree with Jda16...

I'd add that men with same sex attraction generally have very deep hurts and unmet needs. The trick is letting those hurts heal and letting Jesus meet your needs. This is easier said than done though.

I honestly think a 5 point list like the above suggest actually could do more harm than good. Just by asking them if they are a Christian because they have these feelings could put up a wall from the start. If someone with cancer came along, no one would ask if they're a Christian or assume they are not because they are sick. Same deal.

Also, same sex attraction is so much more complicated than who you prefer to have sex with. Sexual attraction in general is complicated.

I'm not gay or anything but I have struggled with feelings of isolation and major depression and such... and honestly the best people who could understand my feelings and needs and such, were Christian men struggling with homosexuality and same sex attraction... So if someone came to me and asks about same sex attraction and what to do, I'd direct them to a forum like livehope.org. That way they could express and talk with other Christian men who also struggle. The advice I've gotten on there was way more beneficial than I've gotten anywhere else. Even though I couldn't relate to their sexual relationships, on an emotional level, I connected with them very well. Like Jda said, a lot... most... of the Christian men with SSA I've talked to online, have a deep and unmet needs for meaningful, brotherly friendships. As a lot of stuff happens with sexual development going on, sexual desires and emotional desires I think become tangled and men become physically and sexually attractive...

I think it's really hard for Christian men who want to overcome because unlike depression or such, same sex attraction is no longer seen as any kind of illness and it's pressed that this is just the way you are.

I think if you REALLY want to help someone who comes to you about this, I would really dig and try to understand homosexuality. And when they come... just listen... I think more they want someone to talk too and listens who is a positive force. I'm sure plenty have prayed till their eyes were dry asking God to change them... in most cases though like I said, the problem is not really the same sex attraction, it's hurts and unmet needs that go much much deeper. Those are what needs to be addressed... Same sex attraction is more of a thorn on a tangled batch of weeds with deep roots, not the roots themselves.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Nicely stated Stephen63. In addition to having a blood test done to check hormonal levels as you state, 1Still_Water's advice can be complimented with a personal inventory which can root out undesirable behaviors and associations that may even be "blind spots" such as running with a homosexual crowd or viewing pornography that relates to homosexuality in some way, etc...

Personal inventories do look at one's whole life and can be difficult for some people to honestly complete as they dreg up old memories and self-analysis is sometimes difficult, but they are invaluable for a better understanding of oneself.

Many recovery programs use them for this purpose. Here's an example: http://www.sdrconsortium.org/assets/files/Forth%20Step%20Inventory.pdf

If it seems like a lot of work having your chemical balances checked, taking the time to honestly perform a personal inventory, and applying the advice in this thread with respect to a Christian walk: it is!

But it's a LOT more work in the end picking up the pieces of a devastated life broken by immorality and addiction.

As always, it's OK to get counseling. It's OK to go to self-help groups. It's OK to work on your own life. You HAVE permission to do so.

I know this doesn't sound "spiritual", but I would ask them if they had been properly checked out by a doctor for it. Some people have chemical imbalances, such as having high or low levels of hormones. Some who thought they were gay only needed their levels fixed. It doesn't fix everyone, but it might help show whether it's a physical problem or a spiritual one.

It's important that they know if they have all the same "parts". Some people have abnormalities where they have portions of both sexes. It's absolutely important that they understand in this case that it's not their fault, & that they not be treated as a freak by the church. They're people with feelings just like us.

It's important to know if their issue came upon them within a short amount of time or since childhood. I've personally known 2 women that went gay after marriage & having children & cheated on their husbands. Both had spiritual problems (one backslid, one possessed). There's a real spirit of homosexuality in the world. The woman that was possessed went to my home church years ago & had an older sister that was possessed also.(verified) They both are gay today.

 

[smartJoe]

you guys are very helpful... with this information, it makes it a lot easier to talk to my friend,without making him feel condemned but rather find help and comfort in Jesus

 

[ThomistColin]

One of the best things you can tell a homosexual/same-sex attracted man who ALREADY has faith in Christ, but still feels hated or fears that God looks down upon him, is that they are not alone. As someone who is same-sex attracted, the glorifying moment that led me finally to a life of chastity was when the Lord revealed to my heart that He had set aside a husband for me. He had chosen a perfect groom, who would be with me throughout eternity. God had chosen Himself, through Jesus, to become my bridegroom. When that revelation came to my heart, I suddenly realized that my sexual acts and lifestyle was not just against the will of God, but was open adultery against the One who had loved me since the foundation of the world.

 

[Lucy68]

Great advice, Batman!

The 'world' is so determined these days to teach that homosexuality is perfectly fine. Movies, TV, songs are very aggressive in showing girls kissing girls, boys kissing boys. My husband and I like many BBC productions, but it seems like each one has to have some type of same sex thing going on. No wonder today's generation finds it hard to understand what God says about homosexuality.

 

[jandian]

There really isn't any generic treatment for these cases. I know of persons who heard the gospel once and that was it; they were delivered. There are those with which it took fasting and praying, finding the root and then after much warfare they were finally delivered and other varying cases.

As you step out in faith, and trust GOD for wisdom on how to deal with each individual HE will help you as you make yourself a willing vessel.

There isn't any other to do it right.

 

[Jullianna]

(Please don't use this thread to debate the rightness or wrongness of same sex attraction. This is a thread about how to help them. Debate right and wrong in another thread. This thread assumes it's wrong, because the Bible says so. If you want to debate that, then go to another thread.)

I've had people from time to time coming to me on CC asking for help with same sex attraction.
I'm always left feeling helpless.
This sin seems so complicated, that I'm left with no answers.

Yet if sin is sin, then the struggle against this sin should be approached the same way as struggle against any other sin.
Below are things I'd suggest to anyone struggling with sin. Feel free to add to it or suggest edits.

1. Ask them if they believe and trust that the crucifixion, death, and resurrection of Jesus is enough to take away their sins, and restore them to fellowship and obedience to God the Father.
(If they don't believe this step, then they aren't even in relationship with the one who will give them power to overcome.)




2. Ask them if they attend church/regularly meet with fellow believers to worship, exercise gifts, hear the word.
(They may get bogged down on the word "church". Convey to them the concept of regular fellowship with believers in person.)
God works through people in His body. If they're cutting themselves off from church, then they're cutting themselves off from a means God uses to help us overcome sin.

Romans 12


3. Ask them if they're looking to themselves or to Jesus for their ability to overcome same sex attraction.
If we can overcome sin by mere self determination and will, then we don't need Jesus. Instruct them to look to Jesus first and ask him for help.





4. Ask them if they are studying and applying God's word.



5. Ask them if they are praying, and seeking power through prayer.



6. Help them understand that the struggle against sin is an on going issue. Don't get discouraged if the temptations keep coming.



Please don't use this list as a checklist that will lead them into relying on their own will, and effort to overcome the same sex attraction. Doing such will just burden them. A list of demands will not lead to victory.

The Gospel is the power of God for salvation. Use this list to point them toward reliance on the power that comes from the Gospel.

Good post, Stilly. God is faithful to help us deal with ALL sexual sin in these same ways.

I do agree with Stephen as well about seeking medical advice, not spiritual advice from secular advisors, but actual medical opinions. I could see how Christian psychological counseling could be helpful as well, as I can't think of one homosexual person I've had a heart to heart with who did not say that they'd suffered some sort of emotional trauma at the hands of the opposite gender.