I Don't Want Another Divorce

[sandjsmama]

My second marriage is in trouble, and I'm at my breaking point. My first divorce was due to infidelity, and I thought I was being so careful when I married again. My husband claimed to be everything I prayed for. He had all the right answers concerning his faith and what he desired from a Christian marriage, but I soon discovered he had lied. I have always felt I had the gift of discernment, so I feel like such a fool. He is verbally abusive, and his moods control our lives. Though we had premarital counseling focused on second marriage and stepchildren, he loathes my son and finds any excuse to criticize him. I have endured eight years because we have a child together and because I keep believing that my prayers will be answered, but I'm so broken right now. He says he will go to counseling but always backs out. I'm going, and I'm struggling to continue to uplift him. I don't want to talk to my friends because I don't want to harm his reputation. I am hoping for your friendship, prayers, and advice.

 

[santuzza]

What does your counselor say? Surely, he/she has a more complete picture than we do.

 

[tenderhearted]

You don't have to let his mood swings control your life. No one has that power over you and less you let them. Make up you're mind that no matter how he is feeling your choosing to be in a good mood. Also, it's not your responsibility to uplift your husband all the time. You have to trust God with your husband. It's apparent that your husband has wounds that only God can heal. What us women can do is work on ourselves and ask God to heal us. We are not called to change are husbands only God can do that. If he is constantly verbally abusing you then that may not be a safe place to be in. You may have to pray and ask God if His will would be for you to separate from your husband for a time. God can heal your marriage. Just trust.

 

[sandjsmama]

The counselor knows all the details and, like me, wants my husband to agree to couples' therapy. Because it is Christian counseling, divorce is an absolute last resort, and I agree. Though I am trying not to let his moods and attitudes control our household, that is easier said than done. I am at a very low point, and it is so hard not to burst into tears every time he criticizes me or my son.

 

[tenderhearted]

I'm sorry to hear that. You sound like one of my good friends who is going through a similar thing. Do you have any friends that you can talk to about this, so that you have some support and encouragement? Maybe someone who can be neutral because the last thing you need is someone to bash your husband. God is with you and he sees your pain. Also, when your husband puts your son down, encourage your son. Remind him of what a good kid he is. Like I said before really pray and ask God what he wants you to do about this situation. I'll pray for you also

 

[Angela53510]

A good book to read is "Cry for Justice" by Jeff Crippen. It deals with abuse in marriage, and the controlling behaviours your husband is exhibiting. I have been very shocked to find out these type of men are often psychopaths, and have no conscience.

I will pray that God will show you the way to go. If he is demeaning your 8 year old, it might be best if you did leave. He can cause terrible damage to your son that he may never recover from. Sometimes it is not about us, but about protecting our children.

 

[Newt]

This is not good for the marriage. And i almost am reluctant to respond to this because when i first read it , it sounded like my wife complaining about me. But, our case is somewhat different as we have no children together but we do have her son that is 14 with us. The only time i say anything to him is when he does not do his chores, pick up after himself or acts as he should not. But, Momma is there to get his back so to speak. when i say anything to him then she jumps on his side and i have to deal with both of them. I have a 21 yr old daughter and she will find a way to throw her up in my face if her son is being gotten onto.

She also says i am controlling just because i suggest things and she does not agree on them and does as she pleases anyway. This is on everything wether it be finances, discipline in the home, house rules or hanging out with the wrong influences. We have been thru counceling at our church but they dropped us because she never admitted any wrong doings and claimed it was all me, we would end up in a argument after counceling sessions. I try to live by the Bible, but she only agrees with certain areas and beleifs. And in her eyes-----aint no man gonna control her!

I will be praying about both our situations. and always here if you need to vent!

 

[secularhermit]

The saddest thing in thie world is: It is too easy to see other´s faults instead of mine.

When persons get married both bet a lot it would function.

It´s sad, really sad!

It began with a long courtship process then... Who knows?

 

[sandjsmama]

I absolutely have faults, Secularhermit, and I admit them and ask forgiveness on a daily basis.I try very hard to be the Proverbs 31 woman, but I know I often fail. However, I am the one seeking counseling, and I am there one being verbally abused.

 

[Ugly]

sand, you should know that abusers rarely, rarely change. The reason for this is that their abusive behavior is (in their minds) never their fault. If you didn't do this, he wouldn't be mad. And since no matter what you do he'll find some excuse to be angry at you, then nothing you do will ever be good enough, and no matter what, it will always be your fault in his eyes. Something for you to consider.
Truth is people can be very deceptive and All relationships include risk. My own father learned this in his first marriage. His new bride did a total 180 on him within just an hour or two after being married. Literally. By the time they arrived at their honeymoon she was a different person, someone he'd never seen before. She became demanding, controlling, mean. All in the time it took from saying 'i do' to getting to their honeymoon.
It's a risk. And sometimes, for some people, the risk pays off. But often times the risks are just that, risks, and don't pay off.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this, it always makes me so sad and angry to hear of people being treated like this in their marriages. And while you are trying to do the right thing, you have to step back and look at what's really going on and ask yourself if what you 'thought' was right is really right.
Everything going on in your home is affecting your children. It's teaching them how to act, or what kind of treatment to accept in the future. There is no 'good' solution for your children at this point, but you have to ask yourself if your children are worse off watching you be abused, and your son being abused, and learning that behavior (or to accept it in their own future relationships) or if they are better off being away from that and enduring the separation of their parents. Personally, i always feel it's better to not let your child, yourself be abused and teach them that it's ok. Put them through the constant fear and belittling.
Your self worth, and the needs of your children should outweigh your desire to not have to own up to the situation your in because it's become something you never wanted.

 

[Sirk]

Mommies tend to be overprotective of their male children. It is not uncommon for them to develop a co dependent relationship with them and bail them out of their bad behaviors. I would bet that your son is disrespectful to your current husband and he's had enough of you choosing the 14 years olds side. Todays teenagers have a disrespectful attitude in general towards adults and it is time for you mom, to suck it up and give your teenager the comeuppance he has earned and stop allowing him to hide under your skirt....or he will never be a man.

 

[Ommie]

My second marriage is in trouble, and I'm at my breaking point. My first divorce was due to infidelity, and I thought I was being so careful when I married again. My husband claimed to be everything I prayed for. He had all the right answers concerning his faith and what he desired from a Christian marriage, but I soon discovered he had lied. I have always felt I had the gift of discernment, so I feel like such a fool. He is verbally abusive, and his moods control our lives. Though we had premarital counseling focused on second marriage and stepchildren, he loathes my son and finds any excuse to criticize him. I have endured eight years because we have a child together and because I keep believing that my prayers will be answered, but I'm so broken right now. He says he will go to counseling but always backs out. I'm going, and I'm struggling to continue to uplift him. I don't want to talk to my friends because I don't want to harm his reputation. I am hoping for your friendship, prayers, and advice.

[h=1]Matthew 17:21[/h]21 However this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.”

I know its easy for me to say this but I know it works. Will be praying for you and your family.

 

[cinder]

I thought I was being so careful when I married again. My husband claimed to be everything I prayed for. He had all the right answers concerning his faith and what he desired from a Christian marriage, but I soon discovered he had lied. I have always felt I had the gift of discernment, so I feel like such a fool. He is verbally abusive, and his moods control our lives. Though we had premarital counseling focused on second marriage and stepchildren, he loathes my son and finds any excuse to criticize him. I have endured eight years because we have a child together and because I keep believing that my prayers will be answered, but I'm so broken right now. He says he will go to counseling but always backs out. I'm going, and I'm struggling to continue to uplift him. I don't want to talk to my friends because I don't want to harm his reputation. I am hoping for your friendship, prayers, and advice.

I just have one thing to add to what people have said. Don't protect his reputation. If you don't make his character known then he will be able to snare another person in with the lies that he used on you. You make it sound like this guy deliberately lied to you and deceived you into marrying him. Don't help him do that to someone else by staying silent about it.

I've never been married so I'm not up on divorce and separation laws, but is there a way to separate, take the kids and get out of your current environment without immediately initiating divorce proceedings? Sounds like he needs that kind of wake up call and your kids need to get out of the abusive environment. That way you can protect yourself and your kids but leave him the option of fighting for your marriage.

 

[sunburn]

I will be praying for you OP…
seeing a second marriage fall apart is a hard blow.
I am sure you are trying everything to make this work and your husband knows that you would be devastated if you were to divorce the second time. Yet does nothing.

Another perfect example of "christian" men who entices women in the church for marriage only to manipulate and abuse.

 

[Ugly]

Mommies tend to be overprotective of their male children. It is not uncommon for them to develop a co dependent relationship with them and bail them out of their bad behaviors. I would bet that your son is disrespectful to your current husband and he's had enough of you choosing the 14 years olds side. Todays teenagers have a disrespectful attitude in general towards adults and it is time for you mom, to suck it up and give your teenager the comeuppance he has earned and stop allowing him to hide under your skirt....or he will never be a man.

To quote the OP

He is verbally abusive, and his moods control our lives.

My husband claimed to be everything I prayed for. He had all the right answers concerning his faith and what he desired from a Christian marriage, but I soon discovered he had lied.

There is more going on here than just frustration with her son. There is an abusive attitude in general. And he is not portraying any of the Christ like attitudes he showed himself to have before the marriage, apparently, even beyond the abuse.

he loathes my son and finds any excuse to criticize him

I've been in a relationship with a woman whose kids i did not care for because of their attitudes. I did not treat her kids badly because of this.

That you dismiss the lying, the overall pattern of abuse and justify mistreating someone elses son as 'overprotective mother' and a 'disrespectful son' (of which you have no evidence, yet you're still justifying his being mistreated under your unfounded assumption) is sad. Not to mention a red flag in your thinking that anyone, under any circumstance, is excused from abusing others because the victim is to blame. That's just sick.
What about that the husband agrees to counseling yet keeps backing out (a liar).

There's enough here to see that this is a bad relationship for all involved (not just the 'disrespectful teenager' [which hasn't been proven]). You're telling her to stop letting her son hide under her skirt... you have NO PROOF AT ALL that this is what's going on. All of this advice is based off of PURE SPECULATION. And yet you're preaching down to her like you have any real knowledge or authority to say such things. Rather than inventing things to use to put her down why don't you stop making things up in an attempt to make her and her son the problem? Abuse is Never acceptable. Ever. Even IF you are right the husbands behavior is still wrong. Period.

 

[Sirk]

To quote the OP



There is more going on here than just frustration with her son. There is an abusive attitude in general. And he is not portraying any of the Christ like attitudes he showed himself to have before the marriage, apparently, even beyond the abuse.


I've been in a relationship with a woman whose kids i did not care for because of their attitudes. I did not treat her kids badly because of this.

That you dismiss the lying, the overall pattern of abuse and justify mistreating someone elses son as 'overprotective mother' and a 'disrespectful son' (of which you have no evidence, yet you're still justifying his being mistreated under your unfounded assumption) is sad. Not to mention a red flag in your thinking that anyone, under any circumstance, is excused from abusing others because the victim is to blame. That's just sick.
What about that the husband agrees to counseling yet keeps backing out (a liar).

There's enough here to see that this is a bad relationship for all involved (not just the 'disrespectful teenager' [which hasn't been proven]). You're telling her to stop letting her son hide under her skirt... you have NO PROOF AT ALL that this is what's going on. All of this advice is based off of PURE SPECULATION. And yet you're preaching down to her like you have any real knowledge or authority to say such things. Rather than inventing things to use to put her down why don't you stop making things up in an attempt to make her and her son the problem? Abuse is Never acceptable. Ever. Even IF you are right the husbands behavior is still wrong. Period.

I'm just not a one side of the story kind of person. A person throwing stones and subjective ones at that....like verbal abuse and what have you, without honestly stating their "stake" in the problem....to me...is a pretty good indication of someone looking to prop up their perspective on the matter by finding ignorant sympathetic stooges such as yourself.

 

[sandjsmama]

Sirk- My son is NOT disrespectful of my husband. I would never allow that. In fact, he shows the self-control that most 17 year olds could not when he witnesses the verbal abuse I endure.. He is not perfect, but he is an honor student and a excellent athlete who is well-rounded and well-liked by his peers and adults. He is active in church and as leader in oh youth ministry. Does he send too many texts sometimes? Yes. Does he have to be reminded to clean his room or take out the trash? Yes. Is he punished when theses things happen? Absolutely. My problem is not that my husband points out the obvious things my son does wrong, but that he NEVER sees the good in him.

 

[Sirk]

Sirk- My son is NOT disrespectful of my husband. I would never allow that. In fact, he shows the self-control that most 17 year olds could not when he witnesses the verbal abuse I endure.. He is not perfect, but he is an honor student and a excellent athlete who is well-rounded and well-liked by his peers and adults. He is active in church and as leader in oh youth ministry. Does he send too many texts sometimes? Yes. Does he have to be reminded to clean his room or take out the trash? Yes. Is he punished when theses things happen? Absolutely. My problem is not that my husband points out the obvious things my son does wrong, but that he NEVER sees the good in him.

I have a problem with the word "never". You using it here tells me that you do not speak kindly to your husband....regardless of whether he speaks kindly to you. It tells me that you are critical and judgemental of him.

 

[Sirk]

As an example...always and never declarations are rarely true and are usually exaggerations. The truth is....if you talk to your husband in this fashion...you have poor communication skills. As a general rule of thumb....conflicts between people are generally.... 80% each persons fault. I'm sorry if you think I'm picking on you....I am not.....unlike others....I am challenging YOU. Stop examining your husband and examine yourself.

 

[sandjsmama]

I have a problem with the word "never". You using it here tells me that you do not speak kibutndly to your husband....regardless of whether he speaks kindly to you. It tells me that you are critical and judgemental of him.[/QUOT

I uplift my husband through both prayer and words of encouragement on a daily basis. I do not claim to be perfect. I have many shortcomings, but I am attempting to save my marriage and my family through prayer, bible study, and counseling. Still, my children and I are subjected to verbal abuse, and that is truth.