I Don't Want Another Divorce

[dabodab]

A brief synopsis of the general findings:


I have been very shocked to find out these types of men are often psychopaths with no conscience.
Abusers rarely, rarely change.
It will always be your fault, in his eyes.
Abusers never change.
No matter what you do he'll find some excuse to be angry at you.
I am sure you are trying everything to make this work.
He is not portraying any of the Christlike attitudes he showed himself to have before the marriage.
It might be best if you did leave.
Matthew 17:21 (translation: husband has a demon).
(He) is a liar.
Your husband knows that you would be devastated if you were to divorce the second time.
Yet [he] does nothing.


And my personal favorite, for the irony ~
... you have NO PROOF AT ALL that this is what's going on. All of this advice is based off of PURE SPECULATION.

****

People! There is no basis for all these accusations. Consider this: The OP has not stated what the suspected verbal abuser has even SAID. Shouldn't we at least hear a comment, a snippet of an example perhaps,by the verbal abuser? Instead, the OP generalized by saying he is demeaning and moody. That's all we know. The OP states that the counselor, with whom they would be having couples counseling, "knows all the details" but has given us not one morsel, and we are ready to throw this man in front of a fast moving moped!

In conclusion, I think we have gone mad.

 

[sandjsmama]

As an example...always and never declarations are rarely true and are usually exaggerations. The truth is....if you talk to your husband in this fashion...you have poor commnication skills. As a general rule of thumb....conflicts between people are generally.so tight assumption that... 80% each persons fault. I'm sorry if you think I'm picking on you....I am not.....unlike others....I am challenging YOU. Stop examining your husband and examine yourself.

I challenge you to read again all I hate posted. I have not claimed innocence and have stated more than once that I have faults; however, I am focused daily on becoming a better follower, wife, and mother. I attend counseling alone where I focus on what I can do to make my marriage better, so your assumption that I am only focusing on my husband's faults is incorrect. Furthermore, your accusation that I am "throwing stones" is hurtful.I am called names and have my every shortcoming pointed out to me on a daily basis. I am typically "thick skinned", but am emotionally broken there's days

 

[Sirk]

I challenge you to read again all I hate posted. I have not claimed innocence and have stated more than once that I have faults; however, I am focused daily on becoming a better follower, wife, and mother. I attend counseling alone where I focus on what I can do to make my marriage better, so your assumption that I am only focusing on my husband's faults is incorrect. Furthermore, your accusation that I am "throwing stones" is hurtful.I am called names and have my every shortcoming pointed out to me on a daily basis. I am typically "thick skinned", but am emotionally broken there's days

I have read all the you have posted. You have given no examples of abusive language. Conversely, you have only given examples of how pious you are with the very general "i have faults"... "I am not perfect" statements.

 

[cinder]

Mommies tend to be overprotective of their male children. It is not uncommon for them to develop a co dependent relationship with them and bail them out of their bad behaviors. I would bet that your son is disrespectful to your current husband and he's had enough of you choosing the 14 years olds side. Todays teenagers have a disrespectful attitude in general towards adults and it is time for you mom, to suck it up and give your teenager the comeuppance he has earned and stop allowing him to hide under your skirt....or he will never be a man.

As an example...always and never declarations are rarely true and are usually exaggerations. The truth is....if you talk to your husband in this fashion...you have poor communication skills. As a general rule of thumb....conflicts between people are generally.... 80% each persons fault. I'm sorry if you think I'm picking on you....I am not.....unlike others....I am challenging YOU. Stop examining your husband and examine yourself.

Yet you entered this thread starting with a gross generalization about "mommies" which seems somewhat a belittling term to use if your audience has ages in the double didgits. You came on strong on the attack from the beginning assuming that the problems the OP is having are mainly her fault. This pretty much ignores what she said in her post that she is trying to get him to go to counseling, but he is the one backing out. That she tried to be discerning and choose a good christian man, but he turned out to be abusive and critical and quite possibly was downright deceptive, and that she went through pre-marital counseling that included dealing with stepchildren issues so her expectations should be realistic.

I don't know what you've been through in your life, but please stop projecting it on to this woman. Whatever kind of crazy woman you were with, this is not her (unless you are in fact her husband in which case you are giving us reason to believe her allegations of abusive treatment). You are guilty yourself of many of the things you are accusing this poor woman of and she has behaved respectfully to you throughout. YOU are the one in the wrong here. Now please use the nearest exit from the thread and quit attacking sandjsmama.

 

[sandjsmama]

A brief synopsis of the general findings:


I have been very shocked to find out these types of men are often psychopaths with no conscience.
Abusers rarely, rarely change.
It will always be your fault, in his eyes.
Abusers never change.
No matter what you do he'll find some excuse to be angry at you.
I am sure you are trying everything to make this work.
He is not portraying any of the Christlike attitudes he showed himself to have before the marriage.
It might be best if you did leave.
Matthew 17:21 (translation: husband has a demon).
(He) is a liar.
Your husband knows that you would be devastated if you were to divorce the second time.
Yet [he] does nothing.


And my personal favorite, for the irony ~
... you have NO PROOF AT ALL that this is what's going on. All of this advice is based off of PURE SPECULATION.

****

People! There is no basis for all these accusations. Consider this: The OP has not stated what the suspected verbal abuser has even SAID. Shouldn't we at least hear a comment, a snippet of an example perhaps,by the verbal abuser? Instead, the OP generalized by saying he is demeaning and moody. That's all we know. The OP states that the counselor, with whom they would be having couples counseling, "knows all the details" but has given us not one morsel, and we are ready to throw this man in front of a fast moving moped!

In conclusion, I think we have gone mad.

Here is a "snippet" from Sunday: I was told, " You are a poor excuse for a wife" because I left a dirty glass on the counter; I was branded "Pathetic" because the garbage can was too full for his liking; he told our four year old that he hated she "didn't have a better mother."

 

[Ugly]

A brief synopsis of the general findings:


I have been very shocked to find out these types of men are often psychopaths with no conscience.
Abusers rarely, rarely change.
It will always be your fault, in his eyes.
Abusers never change.
No matter what you do he'll find some excuse to be angry at you.
I am sure you are trying everything to make this work.
He is not portraying any of the Christlike attitudes he showed himself to have before the marriage.
It might be best if you did leave.
Matthew 17:21 (translation: husband has a demon).
(He) is a liar.
Your husband knows that you would be devastated if you were to divorce the second time.
Yet [he] does nothing.


And my personal favorite, for the irony ~
... you have NO PROOF AT ALL that this is what's going on. All of this advice is based off of PURE SPECULATION.

****

People! There is no basis for all these accusations. Consider this: The OP has not stated what the suspected verbal abuser has even SAID. Shouldn't we at least hear a comment, a snippet of an example perhaps,by the verbal abuser? Instead, the OP generalized by saying he is demeaning and moody. That's all we know. The OP states that the counselor, with whom they would be having couples counseling, "knows all the details" but has given us not one morsel, and we are ready to throw this man in front of a fast moving moped!

In conclusion, I think we have gone mad.

I, for one, have had many dealings with abused women, and i know to recognize the signs of both the victim and the abuser. So i can see what's being said, even if you are too blind to see it yourself.

 

[dabodab]

Here is a "snippet" from Sunday: I was told, " You are a poor excuse for a wife" because I left a dirty glass on the counter; I was branded "Pathetic" because the garbage can was too full for his liking; he told our four year old that he hated she "didn't have a better mother."

Ouch that hurts. I'm sorry for you.

Those are very immature, and dare I say, shallow accusations, which of course don't diminish their hurt towards you. Branding you a poor excuse for a wife for leaving a glass out and pathetic because the trash was full seem almost humorous, due to their exaggerated tone. I mean, who says that to a thinking person? The comment to your daughter was inexcusable and frankly would have pushed me over an edge. You're a better woman than me!

What at is your usual response to comments like these?

Why wont you tell others (besides strangers on a website) about his saying things like that to you?

 

[dabodab]

I, for one, have had many dealings with abused women, and i know to recognize the signs of both the victim and the abuser. So i can see what's being said, even if you are too blind to see it yourself.

Well I'm funny about really knowing a thing, and not just supposing it. I work in the legal field. <smile>

 

[sandjsmama]

Ouch that hurts. I'm sorry for you.

Those are very immature, and dare I say, shallow accusations, which of course don't diminish their hurt towards you. Branding you a poor excuse for a wife for leaving a glass out and pathetic because the trash was full seem almost humorous, due to their exaggerated tone. I mean, who says that to a thinking person? The comment to your daughter was inexcusable and frankly would have pushed me over an edge. You're a better woman than me!

What at is your usual response to comments like these?

Why wont you tell others (besides strangers on a website) about his saying things like that to you?

Though there are times when I lose it, my response is seldom harsh or even angry because that makes things worse. Sometimes I am just quiet and try to spend him. Sometimes I apologize. Sometimes there are tears.

I don't talk to a lot of my friends because they are also his friends, and I feel the need to protect the sanctity of my marriage and my children. I still below God can heal this hurt. There are a couple of people who know some things, but I am very protective of my family.

 

[Sirk]

Yet you entered this thread starting with a gross generalization about "mommies" which seems somewhat a belittling term to use if your audience has ages in the double didgits. You came on strong on the attack from the beginning assuming that the problems the OP is having are mainly her fault. This pretty much ignores what she said in her post that she is trying to get him to go to counseling, but he is the one backing out. That she tried to be discerning and choose a good christian man, but he turned out to be abusive and critical and quite possibly was downright deceptive, and that she went through pre-marital counseling that included dealing with stepchildren issues so her expectations should be realistic.

I don't know what you've been through in your life, but please stop projecting it on to this woman. Whatever kind of crazy woman you were with, this is not her (unless you are in fact her husband in which case you are giving us reason to believe her allegations of abusive treatment). You are guilty yourself of many of the things you are accusing this poor woman of and she has behaved respectfully to you throughout. YOU are the one in the wrong here. Now please use the nearest exit from the thread and quit attacking sandjsmama.

From a purely psychological standpoint there is no such thing as a plain old vanilla story. Wouldn't that just consist of boring old facts? The real agenda of coming here and telling her story is simply to tug at the heart strings of gullible people such as yourself. In other words...there is something in it for her. She did a pretty good job of ginning up the details without being specific.....He is abusive...I am doing my best. You get the picture.

She does about a D- job of covering up the fact that she speaks in absolutes ie; black and white thinking.....by generically stating "I am not perfect....I have my own faults" BUT....he is abusive and demeaning. Okay...thats all well and good but there is no meat on the bones of either one of these statements.....plus, it is serious business labeling someone abusive....dare I say...bearing false witness.

At a minimum, your assumption about Sandjsmama and myself is as equally as flawed as mine is about you and her.....however....based on the second paragraph I typed....there is always two sides to every story and so far.....this story is lacking any real humility and is seeking an audience of in agreement head shaker ameners like yourself.

Give us some facts here Sands......otherwise this is just a story about two chumps who can't get along.

 

[Sirk]

Here is a "snippet" from Sunday: I was told, " You are a poor excuse for a wife" because I left a dirty glass on the counter; I was branded "Pathetic" because the garbage can was too full for his liking; he told our four year old that he hated she "didn't have a better mother."

I did not see this...those are abusive things to say and I am sorry.

 

[dabodab]

Though there are times when I lose it, my response is seldom harsh or even angry because that makes things worse. Sometimes I am just quiet and try to spend him. Sometimes I apologize. Sometimes there are tears.

I don't talk to a lot of my friends because they are also his friends, and I feel the need to protect the sanctity of my marriage and my children. I still below God can heal this hurt. There are a couple of people who know some things, but I am very protective of my family.

Okay now were getting somewhere. Just barely inching forward...you are a hard egg because of your protectiveness! This will hurt you rather than help you. Pray God removes the fear of disclosure you have. Talking about this and finding solutions to your response to your husbands abuse should be your first goal.

You say you have been going to counseling, I'm wondering if your counselor has made suggestions about what to do when the abuse happens. What is the counselors suggestion, and are you following it?

 

[sandjsmama]

From a purely psychological standpoint there is no such thing as a plain old vanilla story. Wouldn't that just consist of boring old facts? The real agenda of coming here and telling her story is simply to tug at the heart strings of gullible people such as yourself. In other words...there is something in it for her. She did a pretty good job of ginning up the details without being specific.....He is abusive...I am doing my best. You get the picture.

She does about a D- job of covering up the fact that she speaks in absolutes ie; black and white thinking.....by generically stating "I am not perfect....I have my own faults" BUT....he is abusive and demeaning. Okay...thats all well and good but there is no meat on the bones of either one of these statements.....plus, it is serious business labeling someone abusive....dare I say...bearing false witness.

At a minimum, your assumption about Sandjsmama and myself is as equally as flawed as mine is about you and her.....however....based on the second paragraph I typed....there is always two sides to every story and so far.....this story is lacking any real humility and is seeking an audience of in agreement head shaker ameners like yourself.


Give us some facts here Sands......otherwise this is just a story about two chumps who can't get along.

Here are some specifics:

I am often quick tempered and prone to saying whatever I think, whether it should be said or not. I sometimes procrastinate and I am always running late.

He calls me names like "pathetic" and a " poor excuse." He criticizes my appearance, calling attention to the extra pounds I carry by saying too our daughter that he hopes she "won't let herself go" when she is older.

I did not post this thread for sympathy, but had hoped to get sound Christian advice and prayers. I am so sorry my intentions were not clear and that you feel the need to be so critical.

 

[Misty77]

Sandjsmoma, you don't have to prove yourself to the people here. What few care to understand is that sometimes the reporting of abuse and not being believed is even harder to deal with than the initial problem. You become revictimized. But their unbelief in no way minimizes what you have experience. And i'm so sorry for what you are going through, dear one.

 

[Sirk]

Here are some specifics:

I am often quick tempered and prone to saying whatever I think, whether it should be said or not. I sometimes procrastinate and I am always running late.

He calls me names like "pathetic" and a " poor excuse." He criticizes my appearance, calling attention to the extra pounds I carry by saying too our daughter that he hopes she "won't let herself go" when she is older.

I did not post this thread for sympathy, but had hoped to get sound Christian advice and prayers. I am so sorry my intentions were not clear and that you feel the need to be so critical.

I hope you saw my apology. I did not see the post about him calling you pathetic and what he said to your daughter about you.

 

[sandjsmama]

Okay now were getting somewhere. Just barely inching forward...you are a hard egg because of your protectiveness! This will hurt you rather than help you. Pray God removes the fear of disclosure you have. Talking about this and finding solutions to your response to your husbands abuse should be your first goal.

You say you have been going to counseling, I'm wondering if your counselor has made suggestions about what to do when the abuse happens. What is the counselors suggestion, and are you following it?

For now, the counselor suggests that I be as non confrontational as possible while letting him know my feelings are hurt. I am prayerful that the change my reaction will encourage him to attend counseling sou that we can work on our problems together.

 

[Timeline]

Mommies tend to be overprotective of their male children. It is not uncommon for them to develop a co dependent relationship with them and bail them out of their bad behaviors. I would bet that your son is disrespectful to your current husband and he's had enough of you choosing the 14 years olds side. Todays teenagers have a disrespectful attitude in general towards adults and it is time for you mom, to suck it up and give your teenager the comeuppance he has earned and stop allowing him to hide under your skirt....or he will never be a man.

To quote the OP



There is more going on here than just frustration with her son. There is an abusive attitude in general. And he is not portraying any of the Christ like attitudes he showed himself to have before the marriage, apparently, even beyond the abuse.


I've been in a relationship with a woman whose kids i did not care for because of their attitudes. I did not treat her kids badly because of this.

That you dismiss the lying, the overall pattern of abuse and justify mistreating someone elses son as 'overprotective mother' and a 'disrespectful son' (of which you have no evidence, yet you're still justifying his being mistreated under your unfounded assumption) is sad. Not to mention a red flag in your thinking that anyone, under any circumstance, is excused from abusing others because the victim is to blame. That's just sick.
What about that the husband agrees to counseling yet keeps backing out (a liar).

There's enough here to see that this is a bad relationship for all involved (not just the 'disrespectful teenager' [which hasn't been proven]). You're telling her to stop letting her son hide under her skirt... you have NO PROOF AT ALL that this is what's going on. All of this advice is based off of PURE SPECULATION. And yet you're preaching down to her like you have any real knowledge or authority to say such things. Rather than inventing things to use to put her down why don't you stop making things up in an attempt to make her and her son the problem? Abuse is Never acceptable. Ever. Even IF you are right the husbands behavior is still wrong. Period.

Here's the problem that I have seen up to post #15 (as I haven't read any further at this point):

Several of the comments are blindly giving support to the OP's feelings, not being aware of the situation itself. Yes, we read a very brief summary of the OP's feelings, but we really know very little about the situation. I work with a woman that has been married 7 times. She just recently went through a period of frustration with the seventh husband and would come into work bashing him. And there were some very good points that she made regarding things that he was doing that were not right - BUT upon further discussion she said some things that she had been missing regarding her behavior that had led to some of the problems she was having with him. She had been protecting her daughter and not supporting her husband with disciplining one of her children from a previous marriage. My point is that there is very little information and people are just "shooting from the hip" with their counseling - This is dangerous and careless, imo.

We need to pray for the OP's family (as well as so many other families in the world today), but we SHOULD NOT be giving ANY advice of separation and divorce based off of the information we have so far. Sirk made a very good point that is a common problem between spouses that have children from a previous marriage.

 

[sandjsmama]

I hope you saw my apology. I did not see the post about him calling you pathetic and what he said to your daughter about you.

I did, and I thank you

 

[dabodab]

For now, the counselor suggests that I be as non confrontational as possible while letting him know my feelings are hurt. I am prayerful that the change my reaction will encourage him to attend counseling sou that we can work on our problems together.

That's actually a wonderful plan and I will stand in prayer with you that he will accompany you to counseling. In the meantime I hope you will continue to attend counseling alone. Maybe I could make a suggestion, that you make a non-confrontational stand whenever your husband berates you in front of the children? Something like 'that hurts my feelings' or 'please, if you want to talk about this, let's not force the children to hear our rude remarks to each other (even though you aren't making rude remarks, it lessens the blow a little). I this fashion, your kids will see you stand up for yourself and you will be giving them, gently, a good example.

I'm so sorry for your husbands abusive remarks towards you, so very sorry. There's never a good reason to lambaste your spouse, and especially in front of your children. Don't give up. If you continue to go to counseling and begin to take care of yourself by standing up for yourself a little, you may see some respect that you obviously long for and very much deserve.

 

[Timeline]

sandjsmama, It is difficult for us to really know the situation that you are in. But as a general statement I will say that our culture quickly resorts to divorce as being the answer - It rarely is. Your husband obviously has some problems that need to be worked on, but we are not counselors (at least I'm not) and to be frank we would have to talk awhile before we could get an adequate feel for the situation.

For now, we will pray for your family.

Try to keep ideas of "fleeing" out of your mind. Situations like this tend to force children to "grow up" a little faster. Make sure that you are not undermining individual or the whole situation. I say these things in a very general way because I do not know what you are going through, but do have some experience with human tendencies. I am not trying to attack you, but I am reluctant to attack your husband either. No, he should not have said those things - period. But we do not really know the steps that led to the current situation. My heart goes out to your family.