A man who is hurt beyond words.....

[Ya]

This isn't the way I handle things, ever, but lately I'm completely losing my 'cool' desperately looking for answers, help or peace in my storm.
My wife and I have been going through some marriage issues for over a year now, the same things we haven't been married either. They're becoming so severe that Im ready to leave. We've had financial issues where she seems to lack discipline nor will listen to me and has hurt us in crucial ways. I do not feel that my Wife loves me, recently I had a birthday my Wife did nothing for me, literally not a breakfast a dinner nothing. Instead I took her out and bought her things, I wanted to but to think she couldn't even do the small things around the house Ive asked her to do is blowing my mind leaving me asking myself why are we married, she cares nothing for me! I am not weak man but I do love my wife and gets to me alot that we argue as much as we do, that I bust my butt for her and the thanks I get is negative comments when I come home.
Big Issue Currently
Her mother has a bf who is in our child's life. They want my child to call him Papa and I don't. One they live together, and I am no judgmental type person however my wife knows I don't agree with how they're living and I just don't want my kid thinking its ok, they won't get married and calling him Papa. They break up, get back together over and over again if my kid asks for him no one is going to have an answer for when he's not there.
None the less my Wife went and complete BASHED me to her mother stating Im being judgemental and totally flipping everything I said. I do nothing but good for my family man why am I being treated this way? If I stay they will talk bad about me. If I leave they wil talk bad about me. I am very brief in this so I apologize if you're lost.

 

[biscuit]

This isn't the way I handle things, ever, but lately I'm completely losing my 'cool' desperately looking for answers, help or peace in my storm.
My wife and I have been going through some marriage issues for over a year now, the same things we haven't been married either. They're becoming so severe that Im ready to leave. We've had financial issues where she seems to lack discipline nor will listen to me and has hurt us in crucial ways. I do not feel that my Wife loves me, recently I had a birthday my Wife did nothing for me, literally not a breakfast a dinner nothing. Instead I took her out and bought her things, I wanted to but to think she couldn't even do the small things around the house Ive asked her to do is blowing my mind leaving me asking myself why are we married, she cares nothing for me! I am not weak man but I do love my wife and gets to me alot that we argue as much as we do, that I bust my butt for her and the thanks I get is negative comments when I come home.
Big Issue Currently
Her mother has a bf who is in our child's life. They want my child to call him Papa and I don't. One they live together, and I am no judgmental type person however my wife knows I don't agree with how they're living and I just don't want my kid thinking its ok, they won't get married and calling him Papa. They break up, get back together over and over again if my kid asks for him no one is going to have an answer for when he's not there.
None the less my Wife went and complete BASHED me to her mother stating Im being judgemental and totally flipping everything I said. I do nothing but good for my family man why am I being treated this way? If I stay they will talk bad about me. If I leave they wil talk bad about me. I am very brief in this so I apologize if you're lost.

It sounds though you two are on different pages and it needs to be corrected. The two of you need to sit down and discuss how to mend the problems. If that doesn't work, I suggest counseling and if she is not interested, you got a decision to make. If I read your post correctly, you had the same problems before marriage ?? You didn't state your age.

 

[Audrey_Grace]

OKay, so I understand that this is really hard. I know how badly it must hurt...But just remember that God doesn't give you any more than you can handle. None of this is his fault...all pain and trials and suffering is the result of sin and evil in the world. I am soooo sorry you're hurting so badly right now. I'm definitely praying for you. But always remember that while God isn't to blame for our pain, he can and will take our painful situations and make good out of them. Think about Job. OR the Columbine victim Rachel Scott...through her death, she's brought life (in Christ) to thousands of people. If you let Him work, you'll be amazed at what He can do...especially in a situation where you feel hopeless. just have faith like a mustard seed and watch that mountain move out of your way!

 

[KittenofMelchisedek]

ok, start with like, a whole bunch of deep breaths, maybe chop some wood, or go for a run....

then think about a couple things...

We have to walk by faith and not let our decisions be influenced by anyone else's words except the Lord, it's hard when people talk bad about us, but we will be blessed when they talk bad about us for the sake of Christ, where as we might not be so blessed if their talking about something bad we did.

Second, don't give up on your family, especially if you have a little one. Not without trying counceling and going to the pastor, and any number of other things. Divorce is serious, and you can't take it back.

Third, God knows that you can overcome this obstacle, the challenge is an opportunity to grow. You might need to compromise on some things, but you can do this, it's the only thing other than Jesus that's worth fighting for in life.

Just keep taking really deep breaths. It could be your wife is having an issue that you may or may not know about. There could be things the enemy is twisting to make her look more guilty than she is, after all the enemy hates marriage. Just keep breathing dude, and pray, and keep reaching out to her and to other Christians.

May Almighty God heal you and your wife's relationship, and bless your family, for His glory.

 

[Audrey_Grace]

It sounds though you two are on different pages and it needs to be corrected. The two of you need to sit down and discuss how to mend the problems. If that doesn't work, I suggest counseling and if she is not interested, you got a decision to make. If I read your post correctly, you had the same problems before marriage ?? You didn't state your age.

I agree with this to a point...Just be careful. If you wanna save your marriage and you love your wife as I'm sure you do (if you didn't love her anymore, she wouldn't be able to hurt you this badly), make sure you hear her side of things without jumping in to defend yourself. If you both agree to it, you should get marriage counseling. But don't force her to go...that'd very possible make things worse. :/ PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!! that alone can work miracles!

 

[biscuit]

I agree with this to a point...Just be careful. If you wanna save your marriage and you love your wife as I'm sure you do (if you didn't love her anymore, she wouldn't be able to hurt you this badly), make sure you hear her side of things without jumping in to defend yourself. If you both agree to it, you should get marriage counseling. But don't force her to go...that'd very possible make things worse. :/ PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!! that alone can work miracles!

At some point she will need to take an initiative to open up to a dialogue with her husband. If not, it could go on indefinitely like "years." I have seen men & women just put up with it over course of years while the relationship get worse. He should be gentle & peaceful with her, and at the same time set a deadline for her to come forward to solve the problem.

 

[thecreationtutor]

First is she a christian who is born again - saved, are you? If so find out what the Bible says - and seek a Biblical Counselor

if not - seek counseling - i'd recommend the book The five love languages by Gary Chapman --- find out what love language your wife speaks - gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch - and focus on loving your wife how she receives love

 

[Jhana]

This isn't the way I handle things, ever, but lately I'm completely losing my 'cool' desperately looking for answers, help or peace in my storm.
My wife and I have been going through some marriage issues for over a year now, the same things we haven't been married either. They're becoming so severe that Im ready to leave. We've had financial issues where she seems to lack discipline nor will listen to me and has hurt us in crucial ways. I do not feel that my Wife loves me, recently I had a birthday my Wife did nothing for me, literally not a breakfast a dinner nothing. Instead I took her out and bought her things, I wanted to but to think she couldn't even do the small things around the house Ive asked her to do is blowing my mind leaving me asking myself why are we married, she cares nothing for me! I am not weak man but I do love my wife and gets to me alot that we argue as much as we do, that I bust my butt for her and the thanks I get is negative comments when I come home.
Big Issue Currently
Her mother has a bf who is in our child's life. They want my child to call him Papa and I don't. One they live together, and I am no judgmental type person however my wife knows I don't agree with how they're living and I just don't want my kid thinking its ok, they won't get married and calling him Papa. They break up, get back together over and over again if my kid asks for him no one is going to have an answer for when he's not there.
None the less my Wife went and complete BASHED me to her mother stating Im being judgemental and totally flipping everything I said. I do nothing but good for my family man why am I being treated this way? If I stay they will talk bad about me. If I leave they wil talk bad about me. I am very brief in this so I apologize if you're lost.

It seems like you differ on your perspectives at the moment.

Here's the thing, right. Has she always been this way? I don't know for sure, but I would suspect that she wasn't always as averse to your inputs as she is, since if she was, you'd probably have posted this issue a long time before now. You say it's only the last year or so.

So let me ask you, what has changed? Obviously you married one another so you must have been in love, had a great relationship and made the decision to get married and spend your lives with one another. So what's different from then until now?

How do you treat her now? Have you become more stringent and unrelenting than the man she married? Has she become less stringent and more progressive? This isn't a matter of blame. Let me just point that out. I'm just saying it might be useful to establish where this difference of feelings and this new, unpleasant aura within your marriage has come from.

Have you become more in-depth in your faith? Have you changed your perspective of yourself? Are you less down to earth and free thinking than when you married?

Is she less tolerant of you? Less respectful of you? Do you require more respect than you used to? Does she give little back than she might have done before? Do you make more a big deal out of things now?

To find out what has changed will help you accept the people you are as opposed to who you were, and then decide if you're still compatible or if perhaps either of you is one particular way that you don't really want to be. It will help you see what changes you can make and which you can't. And ultimately, whether you two can make it work.

One last question, when was the last time the two of you went out and did something fun, that didn't involve stress, money or duty?

Birthdays are dutiful things. Maybe try a spontaneous weekend somewhere? It all seems very serious at present. Too much of serious makes wife bored and husband frustrated.

 

[Faithful1935]

First of all my heart goes out to you. It really hurts me when people do not feel loved or wanted. I'm not sure if you belong to a church or not but I will suggest seeking out there counseling ministry. The way things are going it does seem like there needs to be a third party involved to bring you two back together. You had stated in your post this "This isn't the way I handle things ever". Its okay to seek out help and lay your problems down, so you're Christian Brothers & Sisters can pick it up and help you. Dear Heavenly Father I pray for your child at this I asked that you give him a sound mind in a open heart to do all that needs to be done to save his marriage Lord I pray for his wife that she will encourage and lift him up and support her husband in their financial struggles and be a help mate to him. your precious son Jesus's name amen.

 

[Angela53510]

You need to get individual and marriage counselling immediately. You are both stuck, repeating the same harmful patterns, since you first met.

it is hard to tell a few things from your post. Do you have expectations your wife doesn't share? Or are you being overly fussy and making demands that are unreasonable?

I think if you are working and she is home, it is reasonable to expect her to do housework and cooking. But pick up your own things, and try not to be a nag. Maybe sit down together, and make a list of everything that needs to be done daily, weekly and so forth. Pick some jobs you can do, including going to work. Then let her see what' is her responsibility. Keep a chart - she might just be scatterbrained in her approach to domestic chores.

As for the birthdays let her know it is important to you. My husband was terrible at birthdays and anniversaries.,I just kept it inside and let it hurt me! Then my daughter stepped in and started bugging him and reminding him about special occasions. He really did not understand it was important to me! Now he does!

You sound like you are really angry and hurting. But divorce is never the answer. Even. If God did not condemn it, the stats show that divorced people have an even higher divorce rate the second and third times around. So God knows what he is about.

Praying for you to get some practical help to change you marriage to a happy one. And remember, it takes both people working 100% all the time to make a marriage work. It is not a 50/50 proposition, so look at yourself and see what you can change. That might be the beginning of a much better relationship!

 

[Desdichado]

I am with Angela. If not a counselor, at least a minister or someone who is willing and able to act as an objective observer.

Pray hard. Open a dialogue. It sounds to me though like this is a situation you cannot fix yourself.

 

[Searchlight]

The enemy is having a fields day with you and he wont stop until he destroys your family. He only comes to do three things and they are; steal, kill, and destroy and he is extremely good at it! You are playing into his hands by just churning this staff eg. she said he said I said and around and around it keeps going. As a christian you have SPIRITUAL LEGAL RIGHTS through what Jesus did at the cross. You need to KNOW that the Word of God is the ONLY truth in this universe that can be held up and the devil will abide to it. What activates the Word of God is your faith. Here is where I am going with this. As the head of your family take control of the situation and let Jesus in to it. Stop arguing under any circumstances and get in your private prayer room open the bible to Psalm 91:9-10 hold it up and say "It is written in Psalm 91.9-10 that because I have made The Lord The most High my dwelling place NO EVIL shall befall me and NO plague or tragedy will come near my home. Therefore devil you have no spiritual legal rights to be here as I have made The Lord my dwelling place so pick up your bag of tricks and get lost in Jesus mighty name. Keep doing this every day as often as you can and hand it over to Jesus. When an argument starts don't react!!!! just go to your room and pray and hold up the Word of God. You will be amased of the results.

 

[BeanieD]

There are situations, I know from experience, where the other refuses counseling. A lot of prayer, and try really hard not to argue with her about anything. It will never go anywhere. Someone suggested "the five laguages of love" The one I have found most helpful for ME was "love dare". It didn't help to resolve my relationshop problems, but helped me to deal with what was going on.
Also, the closer we get to God, the more the enemy pushes at us. God is our strength always.

 

[secularhermit]

Wow, brother YA! I wish those who are so PRO-feminism read this post...

Do you mind if I use this post to comment in another thread?

They (many) call us MACHIST (macho men) but they lacked BIG eyes to see issues like these.

Be strong, dear brother!


At the long run, I divorced my ex-wife (she paid the bill). She was too good at making money (but at missusing it, too).


That ´s not a reason to be divorced, but the lack of REAL LOVE, deep communication skill and full intimacy, such as a complete trust to live all life long.

I think we, Christians, are unaware of the secularism coming inside our loved ones, homes and families, as churches as well.

 

[Mammachickadee]

Take a few minutes in the morning before the distractions of the day crowd in to ask the Lord for something valuable that you can contribute to the marriage. When the sword of the Spirit is fine honed it will be more than a match for her cutting remarks, and you will find objectivity much more accessible when desperately clinging to sanity and objectivity. You'll never do the perfect thing and neither will she, so don't expect perfection. However, doing the right thing will guarantee one thing. God gives his blessing to those who walk uprightly, and, "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." If you're always ready with a sincere apology, she will see a man who truly love God more than his own selfish pride.and it's the love of God that will when a straight spouse to the Lord when nothing else can.if God chooses to work a miracle and your marriage this is how he will do it. It won't be because you're the most amazing husband because you're only human; and it won't even be because she becomes perfect or could ever become perfect. If you are a believer you are guaranteed that God, the one who changes the hearts and minds of men and women, will be right there guiding you through this struggle. All you have to do is make yourself small enough and your ears big enough.

 

[lydever91]

May I recommend the Love Dare? It's a 40 day journey, and has helped me be a better wife and mom. I even have a family member who has used it and it worked for her and her husband.