Advice for troubled marriage

[johnboy]

My wife and I have been married for 33 years, I am 11 years her senior, we have 4 children ages 32 to 19 the two youngest are still at home and in college. We have had or ups and downs as most marriages, but nothing serious. Several months ago I started to notice my wife was getting distant, and asking the kids to do things while I was there in the room and fully capable. Our love life hadn't changed. Then perhaps two months ago she started act strange like not wanting me to kiss her passionately like before. It has come to a point that she almost doesn't want me to even touch her. Last week she text me about going to dinner with a female coworker after work, she didn't get home till after10PM. I tried calling and texting no response until just after 10 when she said she was on her way. She said her phone was in her coat pocket and couldn't hear it. I know she was at the restaurant because I could see the charge on our account. I have not talked to the coworker to verify she was with my wife, and not sure I should. This Sunday we had a talk and I asked her what the problem was, because she always said "nothing" before. She said she had taken care of the kids and myself for these years and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and said she wants a divorce. When I asked her why she said she couldn't give me a specific reason. I asked her if there was someone else, she said no that wasn't it. She has never lied to me about anything before. But she said she wasn't in a hurry because our youngest is very emotional and she wants to keep some form of stability in the family. This week she said she needed some time to work things out in her head and has gone to a hotel for a couple days, away from me and the kids. One concerning point is the cell phone, which keeps with her most of the time, even when she gets up in the morning and goes to the bathroom, the only time it isn't with her it's on the charger. She gets text messages early in the morning sometimes as early as 5:30, I cant imagine this being business. I cant check the phone because she keeps it near or with her, and I believe it may be locked. I love my wife very deeply and this is killing me, I can't imagine going on without her. She will be back on Thursday after work. I am praying it will be good news. Any advice would be much appreciated. Prayers that God leads her in the right direction wouldn't hurt. Thanks in advance.

 

[dalconn]

Brother, all you can do is love her like Jesus, don't worry about what shes doing or who shes talking to...I'm thinking the same unconditional love Jesus showed me and you, who could resist that?

Father, we know that it takes 3 to make a marriage and we ask that you send that 3rd person, the Holy Spirit, into this marriage so that healing can begin. We pray that johnboy will be filled with your Spirit, wisdom, and comfort. Lord, give him the right words to speak as well as when to listen, Thank you Father for the priviledge to approach your mercy seat in times of need.

amen ~

 

[Angela53510]

This is such a sad story! I do think you need to examine how you have been treating her. I'm not saying you have taken her for granted, but maybe you have treated her a little bit too much like a maid, mother and sex partner, instead of a whole person? That's just a stab in the dark, as I try and think about a woman near my age, and what could possibly make her go off the deep end after all these years.

Some women do play a role for many years, and then just get fed up or can't take it anymore. Remembering to love her as Christ loved the church might help. Since she also works, maybe taking over the household duties to show her how much you lover her? Shopping, cooking, cleaning, if you don't already do it might help. And certainly being romantic, and taking her on a date to a movie and dinner might open fresh doors.

Of course I am only speculating. You may be doing all of these things already. If you are, then you really need to get down on your knees and pray God would see you through this and turn your wife around. You never mentioned if you are Christians or not, and perhaps that is the biggest problem of all. Because if you are Christians, you did not put it your OP. Surely that would be the top thing to save a marriage - making Christ the center of your marriage. Do you have a church family, or is your wife being influenced by worldly values, rather than the Bible? Are you reading the Bible daily for personal spiritual strength and encouragement? That would also be a step in the right direction both for you and your marriage.

I will pray for you that your wife be stopped in her tracks by God, and she will return to her husband. God bless!

 

[oldthennew]

Angela,

a wonderful post filled with so much wisdom....

johnboy,

you would do well to search for some honest, soul-searching answers to the questions in Angela's post.

there is no doubt, that without our Heavenly Father's approval of our behavior in such serious
matters such as our marriage, then we will definitely have areas that we can improve upon to
make our partners lives more precious and meaningful...

I have often found that when seeking answers to what is wrong with this picture, it inevitably
comes to me to look inside my own heart and actions for the Truth of the situation...
often it has been myself and not my partner that was needing to be
sincere and honest, which always resulted in a timely healing of the situation...

after Christ, my husband is the most important thing in my life, and there is not a day that goes by
that I find I may improve myself for his sake because of the gratitude I feel to my Lord for putting
us together, always prayerfully working toward an honest, Christ-Like-Holy-Spirit-Filled-Marriage....

 

[johnboy]

Angela, thank you for your wisdom, a lot of what you said hit me like a ton of bricks. You are probably correct, without intensonally meaning to, I let her take on a lot of household responsibility that should have been mine. Romantic dates we used to, but haven't in some time, my fault there. We are both Christians and the children have all been educated in Christian schools. We both used to read the Bible daily, and feel away from that as well as Church. So I can say our home is not Christ centered as you said. I have been praying every spare minute for guidance and resolution. I pray it isn't too late to turn this around. She will be home tomorrow and we can talk things over. Oldthennew, thank you also, believe that I have done a lot of soul searching, and found a lot of things I should have done differently, and should she decide to stay and work out the problems I will make her unhappy life turn around. I'm sure it will take a long time to repair the damage I have done.
Thank you all for your advice.

 

[Dan58]

She said she had taken care of the kids and myself for these years and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and said she wants a divorce. When I asked her why she said she couldn't give me a specific reason.

That doesn't seem like a reason for divorce? Try to talk and narrow down what's making her unhappy, but if she really wants a divorce, there's not much you can really do about it. Maybe this mini-separation will give her time to re-think it, and I hope she's not cheating on you. She could just be burnt-out and tired of shouldering most of the responsibility, but if that were the problem, she should have made it clear, because its easily fixable. Menopause can also depress a woman if she's at that age? But if she's truly unhappy and is intent on walking away, you can't make her happy, so don't blame yourself. If she still loves you, then there's something to work with, so that might be the first question I'd ask her. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worse. Her initial response of "I just want to do what I want to do" seems flimsy, I suspect there's more going on then that? Good luck, and let us know the outcome when she returns.

 

[johnboy]

Thanks Dan, hopefully tomorrow I will have a better idea She said she couldn't say specifically what was bothering her except that she was unhappy. That was her reason for getting away for a few days, to clear things in her mind. Asking if she still loves me is number one, then proceed from there, I hope the damage is not so great that its not fixable. Yes she is going through menopause, perhaps that on top of everything else is too much. Please all keep up the prayers. I will keep you informed on Friday where things stand.
Thank you all again.

 

[KBond]

My advice is to pray for wisdom. Ladies are complicated.

Lord, we pray You would give johnboy the answers he seeks. Give him the wisdom to unlock his wife's heart so they can enjoy a marriage that is characterized by love and faithfulness. We pray she would realize the mistake she is making and return to her husband with a newfound passion. In Christ's Name, Amen.

Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. -Mark 10:9

 

[blue_ladybug]

Sounds like she's cheating on you, sorry to say. She is evasive and secretive, and non-communicative. She stays out late and acts shady. :/ I pray and hope I'm wrong.. Hopefully while she's gone, she will re-evaluate the marriage and decide to stay.