ADVICE PLEASE

jen747 · Sep 7, 2015

I really need some advice in regards to my marriage. Before I got married my husband cheated on me with another man. He said he did it because he had always wondered what it would be like. At this moment I realized that we had been both living in sin. We were intimate prior to marriage and at the time I believed there were no consequences to any of our actions. I repented for my sins and accepted Jesus into my life right then. We both started going to church and refrained from relations until we were married. My husband has never accepted Jesus. I thought that he may eventually. We have been struggling in our marriage, and recently I discovered he has been watching porn. I don't know what to do. I have stuck with my marital vows, even when times have gotten rough between us. I never strayed, and if anything I have sacrificed more in order to make him happy when times have gotten rough. I don't know what to do, I want to forgive him as I made a vow to him till death do us part, but at the same time I can't trust him. I feel like he has already hurt me once before, and now he is hurting me again. The only way I can make sure he doesn't hurt me a third time is if I cut the relationship off. I am so conflicted, and I guess I just need some advice as well as somebody to talk to. I am so alone with this, I can't talk with anybody we know as I don't want to expose his dirty little secrets. What do I do? Please advise.

Richie_2uk · Sep 7, 2015

jen747 said:

As far as exposing the secret, you had already done so. All CC post and threads will be shown on google. However, I would pray for God's guidance and his help rather than looking to people who may have the same experience or problem, in which it may cause you to go into a deeper problem.

Perhaps its best to think hard and wise about this. Do you really want this problem to linger the more you stay in that situation. Im not saying for you to leave him, or to break up, but if that is the only option, then maybe its for the best. But Go by what God has to say and trust his wisdom and do not let this problem expand any worse. Pray all this problem to God, trust in him, and follow his will.

sandtigeress · Sep 7, 2015

you have to come internally to a place, spiritual that helps you to find out your strength and to find out what you bring into this marriage. Not what you ought to do, or what you want the world to be, what you can bring to this marriage.
You are the spirtual stronger of the two of you, because you have jesus in your live and a well of inner water to replenish your soul. He does not have that, yet, so he is looking outside.
He may not change and he may never become, the person you want him to be. The person you describe and the person you describe he is and the person you describe your partner ought to be are very different.
Bring your life before god, without preconceptions, and god will show you not an easy path, but one he would like you to go.

NewWine · Sep 7, 2015

I am so sorry you are hurting. First, Part of the great part of having a loving relationship with Christ, is that it fills the gaps and hurts that others leave in us. Embrace Christ, work on building your relationship with Him, and let Him comfort you in ways we cant do here with mere words.

As for what you should do, other than telling you to seek Christ in this and all things, I can't really tell you exactly what to do, because I am not qualified nor do I know you well enough to say. It says in Proverbs to lean not on your own understanding. So allow Christ to Guide your steps. Continually be in prayer. Fasting over this situation may help you as well, but I am not super experienced in fasting to know exactly how to tell you to do this.
Prayer is nothing more than talking to God like a friend, so I pray in my car, while I cook, work, clean or whatever I am doing. I think of Him as being right there next to me, so that I am not talking to myself (yes when people see me talking to God in my car they might think my cheese slid off my cracker a little, but eh who cares what some strangers driving down the road think of me.) When I am at my wits end, in my darkest place, I praise God. I can't explain it, but it's comforting to me to praise God and feel His presence surround me.

I believe that any marriage should be like a triangle with God at top. The closer each comes to God the closer they come to each other. Your husband may need some help to overcome this and to rebuild the trust in your relationship. I think it was John Piper who said "Theology with a passion for Christ can overcome Biology." That means that the more one delves into the Bible and becomes passionate for learning more and more of Christ's nature and how to fulfill his purposed, the less they desire "biological thinking". Perhaps you could help him find the joy in learning about the truly loving and forgiving nature of Christ....the joy of truly delving into scripture to study and learn of the real nature of a walk with God. By renewing your and his love for God WITH your husband, you may be able to renew the love the two of you share. I can't say it will work but perhaps?

No matter what your next steps become, please keep Christ at the focus of them. That will make all the difference.
I will keep you in prayer. Peace!!

BarlyGurl · Sep 7, 2015

WHy are you hiding HIS dirty little secrets? There is no biblical ground for you to stay married to a SODOMITE, and that you married one BY MISTAKE because he hid it.... does NOT make you bound to your vows. I would tell him he has two options 1)file divorce from you himself and be very FAVORABLE to you or 2) you will divorce HIM and be very UNFAVORABLE to him. I am guessing He will GLADLY set you free.

Dan58 · Sep 7, 2015

jen747 said:

You've made some poor decisions. He cheated with a man, but you ignored it and married him anyway. I can tell you that a straight man has absolutely no desire to see "what it would be like". You fornicated before marriage and were under the impression that there was no consequences to sin, but there always is. He never accepted Jesus, but you married him anyway. Now he's watching porn and you seem surprised? The writing was on the wall.

Your decisions are based in hope and not reality. I'd just recommend finding out what kind of porn he's watching, and if its male/male activity, you may need to separate. If not, give him an ultimatum, lose the porn or lose you. He also vowed to be true to you, and only you, so its a 2-way street. The porn is lust, which is adultery of the heart (Matthew 5:28). Your finding it difficult to forgive him because you don't trust him, and rightfully so. jmo

BarlyGurl said:

Threaten to tell his parents, the potential embarrassment might encourage him to stop

atwhatcost · Sep 7, 2015

jen747 said:

I really need some advice in regards to my marriage. Before I got married my husband cheated on me with another man. He said he did it because he had always wondered what it would be like. At this moment I realized that we had been both living in sin. We were intimate prior to marriage and at the time I believed there were no consequences to any of our actions. I repented for my sins and accepted Jesus into my life right then. We both started going to church and refrained from relations until we were married. My husband has never accepted Jesus. I thought that he may eventually. We have been struggling in our marriage, and recently I discovered he has been watching porn. I don't know what to do. I have stuck with my marital vows, even when times have gotten rough between us. I never strayed, and if anything I have sacrificed more in order to make him happy when times have gotten rough. I don't know what to do, I want to forgive him as I made a vow to him till death do us part, but at the same time I can't trust him. I feel like he has already hurt me once before, and now he is hurting me again. The only way I can make sure he doesn't hurt me a third time is if I cut the relationship off. I am so conflicted, and I guess I just need some advice as well as somebody to talk to. I am so alone with this, I can't talk with anybody we know as I don't want to expose his dirty little secrets. What do I do? Please advise.

1 Cor. 7 The whole chapter. It was your choice to marry him. It's his choice on whether you stay or go.

Love him instead of looking for loopholes. Marriage isn't about protecting yourself from pain. It's about loving your spouse as Jesus loves his spouse (the church.) That includes pain.

BarlyGurl · Sep 7, 2015

atwhatcost said:

THe scripture says... MEN love your wives as Christ loved the church... WOMEN respect your husbands as he is the head.
THE OP IS NOT BOUND to stay with a sodomite at all... asserting she take the authority role, usurp God's order and ignore instructions for dealing with sodomy is gross error. Don't do that

jen747 · Sep 7, 2015

Thank you for all your advice. I am going to read my Bible tonight and reflect on the Word. I made a vow before God and I intend to keep that vow. I pray that my husband comes to know and accept Jesus Christ as his savior. You are right I made some choices that weren't the best, I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. I believe that Jesus Christ can change my husbands heart and mind and so I will continue to pray for his salvation. I do appreciate all your advice, I feel I am in a much better place because of it today than I was last night. Please if you can keep my husband, my son, and myself in your prayers I would greatly appreciate it.

atwhatcost · Sep 7, 2015

BarlyGurl said:

Yes she is. It's his choice. I thought you were all about what the bible said? I guess you mean when you can make it mean what you want it to mean and easier to do when you chge the story that much.

BarlyGurl · Sep 8, 2015

atwhatcost said:

You probably ought to READ THE BIBLE YOURSELF A LITTLE MORE... I am all about what the bible says... and pointed that out in my previous post... it is YOU who apparently does not agree with what the scripture teaches.

atwhatcost · Sep 8, 2015

BarlyGurl said:

Yeahyeahyeah, you got your tiny-verse personal-myopia bible usurping God for your desires. I give a bigger version. God's version. A full chapter, not cut-paste theology that reflects my opinions.

I'd tell you not to do that, but it's clear you're hear in capacity of Dear Abby, not in capacity with God's word.

BarlyGurl · Sep 8, 2015

atwhatcost said:

I suppose you could be MORE ridiculous with very little effort. As a matter of fact.. USURPING GOD in favor PERSONAL DESIRE happens to be exactly my concern... not my desires... the OPS. But YOU atwhat... are having another reading comprehension problem... gonna blame it on aphasia or admit it's just your bad attitude regarding me?

Galahad · Sep 8, 2015

atwhatcost said:

Now that was headed north, then south. Made an illegal turn, and ended up in a quagmire.

Galahad · Sep 8, 2015

BarlyGurl said:

I see you've met atwhatcost. Sorry! I'll keep you in my prayers.

Oh, don't worry. She has me on ignore, so she can't see what I post. I've tried to make amends. Ain't worked.

Angela53510 · Sep 8, 2015

To the OP:

You do realize, if your husband is still fooling around with men, you could potentially get HIV/AIDS?

You do realize that porn is breaking his marriage vows?

You sound very co-dependent, masking it with platitudes about love. I do believe in marriage. I do believe God restores and heals marriages. But it has to be BOTH partners working on it.

Your husband is taking advantage of you. I'll bet he sees your "love" as capitulation to him, and a weakness. I'm not saying it is, but if you keep doing the same things, and they don't produced a different result, then probably what you are doing isn't working.

Do you have a church you can get to pray for you and your marriage? Do you have a pastor you can talk to? It is good you are reading the bible and praying, but you also need fellowship and community. Right now, it sounds like your abusive husband (abusive in the adultery sense!) is your only support.

I would suggest you get the book A Cry for Justice by Jeff Crippen. He talks about abuse in marriage, including adultery. He is a pastor who saw so much abuse in his church, he decided to study it and write a book about it. I think it might put things in perspective for you.

Praying for God to lead you as to what you should do. And for the strength to do it.

Ugly · Sep 8, 2015

I would not advise purposefully going to expose his secret to his parents, or even threatening to do so. Losing you, or the risk of it, is a consequence of his actions. You willfully exposing his secrets is revenge, or threatening to is just blackmail. If you want to guarantee the failure of your marriage that is a good way to go about it.
Sadly these suggestions are not really Godly. It is not our place to call out the sins of the unsaved. And it makes Us wrong if we threaten to do so for our personal gain. That is selfishness.
I'm not sure who you would go to about discussing this that would 'expose' his secrets. While i am not a fan of the selfish oriented motives some have suggested, neither am i a fan of the idea of going out of your way and suffering in an effort to protect him. I'd suggest using wisdom about who you talk to about it (such as avoid the gossiping aunt, no matter how good of advice she gives), but i would not cause myself to suffer for his problems by not discussing it with anyone either.

ember · Sep 8, 2015

I was just coming to the conclusion Angela did regarding STD's...and then AIDS/HIV ... and as far as porn goes, well porn is the devil's idea of sex and it seems to be mostly centered around the exploitation of women who are actually exploiting men etc

I basically agree with Angela's post...you need some good common sense, some hard cold facts regarding the state of your marriage, a confirmation to go ahead and get out...which you may very well be looking for in coming here, and you need to know it is ok to leave...to get out and divorce this man..very often, when we make a mess, unless we really cannot get out, God will leave it to us to get out...if you need help...it is available but you still have to reach out for it

purpose · Sep 8, 2015

True or False? When you are in a bad marriage, there are only two option: resign yourself to a life of misery, or get out.

Many couples live in deep pain. They have tried to improve things and have failed. Thus, they accept the commonly held dichotomy: I need to get out and start over, or else i must accept the fact that I'm going to live in misery the rest of my life.
Perhaps a Third Option: Let God Use you as a positive change agent in your marriage. You cant make your spouse chnage. You can positively influence your spouse to change. Sometimes we underestimate the power of influence.
We also underestimate the power of prayer. The Scriptures include many examples of others pleading with God_ And his answering them. James 5:16 tells us that our earnest prayer can bring remarkable results . The apostle Paul reminds believers to pray and pray constantly in Colossians 4. So Pray for your relationship! ASk God to give you a clear picture of ho you got to where you are in your marriage. What to do next. Keep Praying!

atwhatcost · Sep 8, 2015

BarlyGurl said:

Aphasia. Might want to look up the word, since clearly you have no understanding of tat either.

You're bad attitude? When do you have a good one? (I actually know that answer, but you won't hear it.)

My bad attitude? Some days I have it. Some I don't.

ADVICE PLEASE

jen747

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