Autism vs discipline

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RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#1
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
113
#1
One of my sisters in law (there's 7 of them!) has an 8 year old boy who has never seen an once of discipline in his life. He's mean and unruly and absolutely will not do a thing anyone asks. The other day I watched three different people tell him repeatedly not to do something to somebody, the moment their backs were turned he did it anyway then ran and hid behind mommys skirt, who unquestioningly defended him. At family gatherings inevitably the other kids will come in crying because he won't share or play fair. And again it's just excuses instead of discipline. They let him continue. There are absolutely no consequences for him.

So now because of his behavior they want to test him for autism. I'm familiar with autistics, and I'm not saying he couldn't be, but my position is that until they rule out the lack of discipline they have no place putting the kid on drugs. But mine is the minority report.

So how do I convince them to see a parenting counselor before a druggist?
 
pickles

pickles

Senior Member
#2
Apr 20, 2009
14,479
182
63
#2
It is a dfficult situation for sure.
I raised a son who had many behavior issues.
A extreamly high IQ, combined with adhd, border autism,a rare speech disabuility and as the nero told us, just wired differently.
Many saw him as a you see your nephew, but we stood with our son as we lived with him 24/7 and knew his struggles.
Now we still held him accountible for his actions, and although we did try meds for a short time, we finnally took him off all and worked with him in behavior modification exersizes and alot of patient loving.
Drs said he would never be able to talk, so much for drs as he is a very well spoken young man now, who is loving, kind and well liked.
But for a time we wondered if he would ever be.
The best you can do is not to judge, and if you want to share any ideas, do so in a loving and caring manner.
An approach of how can I help is best, as one of the things that was most hurtful is many thought they knew better and were quick to say so.
Just offer your help. and listen to what they need, you may be surprised about what is said and what help you may be asked for. :)

God bless
pickles
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#3
#3
If he is 8 years old than he is in school. what does the teachers think or is he homeschooled? ..............I like Pickles advice, and even if he is autistic perhaps they could look into behavioral modification techniques instead of relaying on drugs. they are more effective and don't have the negative side effects many drugs do/ especially for a growing boy.
 
H

hattiebod

Guest
#4
#4
RickyZ said:
One of my sisters in law (there's 7 of them!) has an 8 year old boy who has never seen an once of discipline in his life. He's mean and unruly and absolutely will not do a thing anyone asks. The other day I watched three different people tell him repeatedly not to do something to somebody, the moment their backs were turned he did it anyway then ran and hid behind mommys skirt, who unquestioningly defended him. At family gatherings inevitably the other kids will come in crying because he won't share or play fair. And again it's just excuses instead of discipline. They let him continue. There are absolutely no consequences for him.

So now because of his behavior they want to test him for autism. I'm familiar with autistics, and I'm not saying he couldn't be, but my position is that until they rule out the lack of discipline they have no place putting the kid on drugs. But mine is the minority report.

So how do I convince them to see a parenting counselor before a druggist?
Click to expand...
It can be such a lonely road parenting a child with challenging behaviour, sometimes the parents are just so tired and get more isolated as the child gets older and the behaviours more imbedded and 'out of control'. Its a vicious circle really. Maybe you could spend time with them? see if you could do some 'fun uncle' things, take him out just the 2 of you? This would give his mother a well deserved break, give you an opportunity to get to know your nephew better and perhaps open up opportunities for you to be a positive fun influence in his life. Young boys just love hanging out with 'cool older guys'? I know my boy does and he is 17!! It could be good for all. It can be easy to see whats going wrong...but not to see whats going right. It sounds as if parenting this wee boy is exhausting! But he is a blessing to this family, an opportunity for the very best to be witnessed. God Bless you :) for recognising that this family needs support...maybe God is asking you to step into this families life and make the huge difference a loving God fearing Uncle can? God Bless you!! <><
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#5
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
113
#5
Thank you all. I'm lovingly urging them to get counseling first but I gotta tell ya I'm out numbered!
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#6
#6
Yeah, its difficult to get a parent to own up to their failures as a parent. Its easier to label the kid with an illness that say 'i did things wrong' or even if somewhere in their mind they do think it, they don't want to have to go through the effort of changing not only their own behavior, but the uphill battle of reversing a child's habits and behavior that they've allowed. Its easier and contains less personal responsibility to just blame the kids brain and drug him up. Sounds like maybe they are lazy parents.
 
P

Powemm

Guest
#7
#7
my son was labeled as ADHD by all the teachers .. I told them .. you're going to have children who are
Movers and shakers .. Channel the energy to benefit your classroom and fit his talents .. Dust te chalk board erasers , sharpen your pencils , peel the crayons back , water your plants etc.. Children need boundaries .. And if what they are doing iant working , Chanel it somewhere else .. All this medicine is simply a mask so something else doesn't have to change .. I'd take that kid to the playground and wear him ragged.. Get some rollerblades . he realizes he gets "the center of attention from "everyone" if he does something wrong .. It will take some time but I think he's bored.. or already learning labels placed on Him.. When a kid learns there's a label on them, they "will buy the lie to meet the expectation of it as well..
Sounds like the adults all together need to make some adjustments.. Stop labeling Him.. Chanel his behavior into another direction , and for crying out loud stop putting him In a position of failure.. put him
In a position where he will succeed.. There are reasons he is lashing out and it is not entirely His fault .. he is a scape goat for adults who don't want to make the necessary changes .. Sorry just how I see it ..
 
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damombomb

damombomb

Senior Member
#8
Feb 27, 2011
3,801
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#8
I still cannot see why they are not correcting him? Kids may not like to be diciplined, but they love you for it later,
or train up a child the way they should go
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#9
#9
Some people grow up in very strict, almost military like homes, those people often grow up to resent rules and don't have a balanced perspective, so when they become parents they go in the total opposite direction and give no rules.
Some parents don't want to be parents, they want their kid to see them as 'cool' and be their friend.
And sometimes people are just too immature to raise a child properly
Others may be too lazy to put in the effort.
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#10
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
113
#10
I agree that some people should not be parents. That doesn't stop them from having them tho. I don't know why they won't discipline him, other than I think they just don't know how. That's where the counseling would help but they seem to think that would be a wasted effort. I think they don't want to make the effort. Ad yes the poor kid suffers because he's being alienated and shunned by those who are familiar with him. It's a sad story.
 
W

wonder777

Guest
#11
#11
I was diagnosed with autism at age 2 but was diagnosed as Asperger's at age 23 in 1999. I graduated from high school with an IQ of 180. I also have something called "right hemisphere learning disability". That affects my social skills. The doctor called it brain damage. I call it wired differently. Didn't talk until I was 3. It was so difficult for me to be around regular kids, especially after 7th grade though it did get better after that. God has blessed me with this special perspective only I can see.
 
T

TasteOfHoney

Guest
#12
#12
I hate having that feeling. Try to remind her that you have everyone's best interest at heart when pleading your case, but even then it has a good chance of landing on deaf ears.
 
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