Christian Marriage and Divorce?

[freylbm]

I am newly wed (wed in December of 2009) to a person who proclaims to be saved. However, we met in a bar 2 years ago and we both continued to live worldly until I rededicated my life two months ago (I was saved in 1975 and lived for the Lord for the following 20 years. After my children were grown and after three failed marriages due to my bad judgement, I turned away from God and my faith. When we wed, I was no longer going to bars, but was still drinking wine every evening at home; my husband continued and still continues to go out at least twice a week to bars and stays out sometimes until 3AM. After my rededication, I poured out all my wine, stopped smoking and have joined the church we have been attending since January. I know he would stop going out if I demanded it. However, would that not defeat the purpose of his conforming to a spiritual life insinserely, unless it is his own idea and belief that this is wrong? Also, before we married we had a discussion concerning finances because my last husband (now deceased) quit work, drank and did drugs until it killed him and was a great financial burden to me. My new husband assured me that he could indeed "afford" to be married and support a family. Believe me, I was not looking for someone to support me totally, but security is important after my last relationship. Since December, I have found out at different intervals, that my new husband is not only broke, but did not have any money to put down on our modest house (I had to cash in my small 401K for the down payment), owed the IRS and back State Taxes, was behind three months on his car payment, cell phone bill and his power bill. It was like...BAM! BAM! BAM!...one bill after another and each time, him promising me that was the only thing he was behind on. I am wondering if 1) we were not Godly joined as husband and wife, considering where we met and the life we were both living when we married and 2) if my marriage is not based on deceit? I know I am not blameless because I am certainly not the woman he thought he was marrying either, but instead and trying hard each day to live a Godly life instead of the worldly one I lived when we met and married. Can anyone offer suggestions on how to make this marriage work or what I should do besides pray without ceasing (which I am doing)?

 

[grace]

You indeed are in a tough situation. We, as woman esspecially desire to be with someone and not be alone. I don't want to presume anything about you, but it almost seems like after your history of past relationships, and there being deceit..that these things should have been discussed AND proven before any steps were taken towards marriage.

OK, fast-fowarding now, since you are now where you are...and the past cannot be undone. From what you have described you are better at handling money than he is. I say that you take the reigns in that. It will need to be strict I think until trust is brought back into the relationship in that area. I think you should have the account in your name, but with complete and open access to him so that there is no room for him to not trust you. but you have to make sure there are assets there to pay the bills.

You both need to be on the same path. He cant be going one direction and you another and you just compromise and accept it if you are unhappy in his dicisions. So much in marriage can be resolved with good , open communication. You both have to be willing. It will take you saying some very hard things to him about how the trust has been broken and how it has made you feel.

I think if there is no room for alchohal in your life anymore...then that is a reasonable thing to ask of him. And you say he will be willing so that is great. He is a married man now, and should want to be home with his spouse, not out spending money on alchohal that is sounds like he does not have to be spending.

His spiritual walk is between him and the Lord....but that does not mean you cannot talk to him about it. Maybe the two of you can do devotions together. One I would reccomend is "The Love Dare Day by Day. A Year of devotionals for couples" There is one for each day and a dare per week that you each do. Since you are newlyweds that are starting out this union on shaky ground this may be a way for you to help build a new and healthy foundation for your marriage.

you both being in church is great. Maybe a small group within your church would be good to...more intimate setting where you can develop friendships together.

I don't think this will be resolved for you overnight....but with work and dedication from you both I can see it reconciled.

Best to you! take care

 

[freylbm]

Thank you so much for your input. I will take everything you have said into consideration. One of the immediate problems is that he brings in almost nothing at his commission sales job for me to factor into paying the bills. He works long hours, but the economy is taking a toll on his business area. I have talked to him about seeking employment in another field, but he will not consider it; it is a comfort factor for him. He does let me control the bill-paying (we do share an account with equal access), but the problem remains that I have limited money (other than my unemployment) to stretch for paying the bills since he has almost nothing to contribute to the account. He knew when we married that my unemployment was my only income and how much it was per week and that the only other bill I had was a car payment (and he knew the amount of that). I knew no particulars of his financial situation because I did not ask "particular" questions and he did not offer any particular information other than the fact that he could afford to be married and support a family (which luckily only consists of the two of us). Also, I have found that he has an inate insecurity about friends. He feels that the people he associates with at the bars are his friends (when he is here) and he feels that the church family are his friends (but only when he is in church). I have talked to him about the witness he is being when he sits at a bar and drinks, even though his "bar friends" know he attends church regularily. He did not go to church at all until I started going, but declared that he walked daily with God. He is now attending everytime the doors open because I am going. I would have thought this would have detered his going out and influenced his choices in "friends", but he will sit in church and "Amen" the pastor when he is preaching about drinking and abstaining from the appearance of evil, etc., until the cows come home, when he has been out until 3AM the morning before service. I know I cannot control this, but it hurts me to sit beside him and witness this. Please keep us in your prayers and again "thank you so much"! I did not know where else to turn and hoped this Chat Room could help me.

 

[Wonderland]

Hi Hon,

Wow, it sounds like you are in a tough situation! I don't feel good about giving you "advice" because of the magnitude of the things going on, but I do want to give you props for getting your life back on track with Jesus! That is fabulous and I am SO happy for you!!

On the other hand, I do not think it is unreasonable for you to ask him to stop going out to the bars. Whether or not he gets his life back on track with God is really between him and God, but alcohol is an addiction, and getting clean is healthy for everybody, not just people who are saved. Also, I believe that bars are heavily influenced by demonic forces. If he can stay out of the bars, he may have a better chance of repenting and walking in the light again, Amen? Certainly you can't force him to do anything, but as his wife and as a woman of God, you can influence him to do right!

As for money issues, have you checked with your county to see if you qualify for assistance? I don't know where you are from, but I know here in Wisconsin there are a lot of programs to help with utility bills, food, etc. There are also programs that provide counseling and charge on a sliding-fee-scale meaning they only charge what you can afford to pay. Maybe your husband would be willing to get counseling for his addictions? Maybe you could benefit from counseling to help you get this situation sorted out. There is a lot going on! Not to mention you are a recovering addict--praise God! Still, a woman in your situation could do with some support. I truly hope that things work out for you.

Be blessed

 

[freylbm]

Wonderland...I REALLY appreciate your words of encouragement! It is a difficult situation; I simply feel "dupped" with the financial situation. I feel so foolish for being so trusting, but then again, I always have been - it is simply in my nature to feel that people are inately honest.

With the Grace of God, after 15 years and sessions with psycholoist, therapist, etc; I have found the REAL answer to my addiction - The Lord Jesus Christ, from whom I draw my strength daily and I have not craved a drink since I turned my life over to him - HE is my rehab!

Bless be to you!

 

[eddieper]

How do i post a question of my own like this I am new and very computer savvy.

 

[eddieper]

SORRY NOT COMPUTER SAVVY