Criteria Before Getting Married

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presidente

Senior Member
#1
May 29, 2013
9,091
1,754
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#1
I'm thinking of some criteria for a potential spouse to teach my own children and also Christian young people about getting married.

Here are a few that come to mind. The potential spouse needs to have these characteristics:

1. Be a Christian with sincere faith
2. Be living a sexually moral life.
3. Believe that it is a sin to divorce if you 'fall out of love', etc.
4. Embrace Biblical roles for husband and wife.
5. Not have any substance abuse issues or addictions they aren't mastering that could hurt the marriage.
6. Be free and eligible to marry from a Biblical perspective.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
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#3
1.) Learn about their background first. How they interact with family, friends, strangers.
2.) Ask them to submit to testing for STD's. You do NOT want to find out afterwards that they have AIDS or something.
3.) Use your brain. If they show signs of being violent, don't marry them. You'll only become a victim later on if you do.
 
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presidente

Senior Member
#4
May 29, 2013
9,091
1,754
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#4
blue_ladybug said:
1.) Learn about their background first. How they interact with family, friends, strangers.
2.) Ask them to submit to testing for STD's. You do NOT want to find out afterwards that they have AIDS or something.
3.) Use your brain. If they show signs of being violent, don't marry them. You'll only become a victim later on if you do.
Click to expand...
About number 2, from a health perspective, that makes sense. But I was looking for a virgin and married one. I'd imagine a lot of virgins might be insulted or a bit uncomfortable if you ask them to do an STD test. It would be like calling her a liar.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#5
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
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#5
presidente said:
About number 2, from a health perspective, that makes sense. But I was looking for a virgin and married one. I'd imagine a lot of virgins might be insulted or a bit uncomfortable if you ask them to do an STD test. It would be like calling her a liar.
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yes but what if she lied to you before marriage and told you she was a virgin, and later on you found out she wasn't and you cotracted something from her? Even virgins are capable of lying..Christians too..
 
M

mystikmind

Guest
#6
#6
Only God can see into a persons heart.... so the number 1 criteria for a potential partner is to trust in God, and he may even lead you to a partner who does not fit those criteria, because God's wisdom is on a much higher level.

Trust in God.
 
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presidente

Senior Member
#7
May 29, 2013
9,091
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#7
blue_ladybug said:
yes but what if she lied to you before marriage and told you she was a virgin, and later on you found out she wasn't and you cotracted something from her? Even virgins are capable of lying..Christians too..
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That's a wicked thing to do. In Israel, God had them stone women like that. I suppose you can get to know a woman's character. If she's a believer, you can read her that passage out of Deuteronomy, too. :)

And a lot of prayer.

I prayed and asked God to show me and speak to me that this was the woman I was supposed to marry. I believe He did speak to my heart about it. I got some private information about her in prayer that she later told me on the phone. Someone also prophesied over us, but that was after I'd decided to propose and it was all a settled issue that I would marry her as far as I was concerned.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#8
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
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#8

You and your mate are locked in a room with no way out.. A man enters the room and has a gun with one bullet in it, and he is going to shoot one of you. The man won't miss, you can't hide or stop what's about to happen, you or your mate are going to die.. What do you do?

My father-in-law painted this scenario before I got married, and he told me there was only one correct answer to the question. If me or his daughter wanted his blessing, we each had to give him the correct answer. I passed, but she failed :)
 
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psychomom

Guest
#9
#9
Dan58 said:

You and your mate are locked in a room with no way out.. A man enters the room and has a gun with one bullet in it, and he is going to shoot one of you. The man won't miss, you can't hide or stop what's about to happen, you or your mate are going to die.. What do you do?

My father-in-law painted this scenario before I got married, and he told me there was only one correct answer to the question. If me or his daughter wanted his blessing, we each had to give him the correct answer. I passed, but she failed :)
Click to expand...
when our sil asked my husband for our daughter's hand, my husband said,

give me your wallet and all your assets and your present and future jobs and
everything else that's precious to you, and trust me to take care of them.
because that is what you're asking me to do!

brought the point home nicely. :)
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#10
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#10
Before I planned to think of marriage, me, have to check this punching list:

a) Am I emotionally free to start something bigger that a friendly relationship?
b) Am I interested in having children (more children, in fact)?
c) Do I have (or get) enough money to pay its cost?
d) Am I willing to move somewhere else (or is she)?
e) Am I willing to cope with troubles?

A potential partner for marriage should have proven to be:

a) A fellow friend
b) She is as open to give herself in thoughts, ideas and beliefs: If she doesn´t talk... No way!
c) The emotional and familiar background is (or could be) easily exposed: Openess is that key, not the door...

The rest of that punching list will not be told: I don´t want to try it again. It was enough. :eek:
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#11
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#11
blue_ladybug said:
1.) Learn about their background first. How they interact with family, friends, strangers.
2.) Ask them to submit to testing for STD's. You do NOT want to find out afterwards that they have AIDS or something.
3.) Use your brain. If they show signs of being violent, don't marry them. You'll only become a victim later on if you do.
Click to expand...
That made me think of icebergs (1) and
vulcanoes (2)



Many of those vulcanoes are green, quite, peaceful, enjoyable and plenty of good things...



Icy and delicious like and ice cream but, when they explode, they explode...



Who knows people´s heart? :p
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#12
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#12
psychomom said:
when our sil asked my husband for our daughter's hand, my husband said,

give me your wallet and all your assets and your present and future jobs and
everything else that's precious to you, and trust me to take care of them.
because that is what you're asking me to do!

brought the point home nicely. :)
Click to expand...
The modern day response to that would be; "Forget about trust, just give me a prenuptial agreement" :)
 
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psychomom

Guest
#13
#13
Dan58 said:
The modern day response to that would be; "Forget about trust, just give me a prenuptial agreement" :)
Click to expand...
lol!

fortunately, God is so good it turned out we really can trust our sil to care for our daughter.
she calls him 'my hero husband', and it's the truth. :)
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#14
Jan 24, 2011
11,783
2,948
113
#14
Number 4 is a recipe for abuse these days, especially in Christian marriages. Sorry, I've just read and studied about this issue in the church.

Of course, not every traditional marriage is abusive, but it opens the door to abuse by giving permission for the husband to dominate, including intimidation and physical, sexual abuse.

Better to be friends and equals, instead of a hierarchy that encourages obedience by the wife, while the husband does what he wants.

Besides, the Bible is clear that Jesus is the only authority. The wife has to answer to God on her own on Judgement Day. The husband will take his knocks or rewards, of course, but how much better not to set him up for failure by these stupid "roles" which place an unnecessary burden on both parties in the marriage.
 
T

Tintin

Guest
#15
#15
presidente said:
About number 2, from a health perspective, that makes sense. But I was looking for a virgin and married one. I'd imagine a lot of virgins might be insulted or a bit uncomfortable if you ask them to do an STD test. It would be like calling her a liar.
Click to expand...
Yes, I can see both perspectives. I would find it uncomfortable/weird too.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#16
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#16
presidente said:
I'm thinking of some criteria for a potential spouse to teach my own children and also Christian young people about getting married.

Here are a few that come to mind. The potential spouse needs to have these characteristics:

1. Be a Christian with sincere faith
2. Be living a sexually moral life.
3. Believe that it is a sin to divorce if you 'fall out of love', etc.
4. Embrace Biblical roles for husband and wife.
5. Not have any substance abuse issues or addictions they aren't mastering that could hurt the marriage.
6. Be free and eligible to marry from a Biblical perspective.
Click to expand...
I guess it can be included in one of those, but how about emotional stability? Don't want to find out you're getting involved with one of the people that's going to be on a future episode of 20/20.
 
G

GaryA

Guest
#17
#17
Dan58 said:

You and your mate are locked in a room with no way out.. A man enters the room and has a gun with one bullet in it, and he is going to shoot one of you. The man won't miss, you can't hide or stop what's about to happen, you or your mate are going to die.. What do you do?

My father-in-law painted this scenario before I got married, and he told me there was only one correct answer to the question. If me or his daughter wanted his blessing, we each had to give him the correct answer. I passed, but she failed :)
Click to expand...
Flip a coin? :p

;)



Pray for a miracle? :D

:eek:



Seriously...

These kind of scenarios can be very complex - at least "in real life" they are - consider:


The first reaction of the average normal man ( who loves his wife ) to this scenario would be to "take the bullet" -- thereby, giving his wife the greater opportunity for continued life, etc. --- and is quite honorable indeed!

I am quite certain that - in any scenario - I would do my best to protect my wife - "no matter what the [ personal ] cost"...

However - what if, after you "take the bullet' and die -- the man then alternately rapes and tortures your wife multiple times a day - for the next 90 days -- and then kills her by choking her with his bare hands?

Would the knowledge of this possible outcome of the scenario have any effect on your original answer?


When I was young, I "faced" ( considered ) scenarios like the following ( in my thoughts ) many times:

My mother and a stranger are in a lake, both drowning. I can rescue only one of them - the other will certainly drown. Do I rescue my mother, and let the stranger die? Or do I rescue the stranger, and let my mother die?

Simple answer - right?

Are you sure?

What if I am "as absolutely sure as I can possibly be" that my mother is a born-again Christian - and will most certainly be with the Lord if she dies?

What about the stranger?

Do I rescue my mother, and let the stranger [ very possibly ] die and go to hell? Or do I rescue the stranger - so that they might have every opportunity to be saved - and let my mother die?


I love my mother very much!

What do I do?


Do I consider the "salvation status" of the stranger over the life of my mother? Which is more important in the bigger picture?


The whole point of this is --- life is always more complex than the collection of details ( or variables ) that can be written into any scenario. No scenario is simple "in real life" - the answer to any scenario depends on the scope of the situation.

"How big is the picture being considered?"


Food for thought...


Dan58:

How did you answer? How did your mate answer?


:)
 
Last edited:
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#18
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#18
I have only one requirement for prospective couples. Will each cause the other to grow closer to Christ?

One as a parent can never be entirely certain but it does cause you to draw closer to the Lord and pray earnestly. My only daughter was very recently married and I'm still praying. There is no way to stop nor could I really want to stop.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#19
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#19
GaryA said:
The first reaction of the average normal man ( who loves his wife ) to this scenario would be to "take the bullet" -- thereby, giving his wife the greater opportunity for continued life, etc. --- and is quite honorable indeed!

I am quite certain that - in any scenario - I would do my best to protect my wife - "no matter what the [ personal ] cost"...

However - what if, after you "take the bullet' and die -- the man then alternately rapes and tortures your wife multiple times a day - for the next 90 days -- and then kills her by choking her with his bare hands?
Click to expand...

You have the correct answer.. His philosophy was that marriages work when you love your spouse more than yourself. Steeping in front of your wife to take the bullet proves that you value her life more than your own. People who enter into marriage thinking its a 50/50 give and take arrangement are generally sorely disappointed, because it often requires giving 90% and receiving 10%.

He did not allow adding any additional circumstances to the scenario, just that the strange man would shoot and kill once and then leave. My answer was that I'd put myself between her and the shooter. Her answer was "I'd duck". I later learned that self-preservation was her first priority, nothing was more important than her own needs and desires. We aren't together anymore.. Long story short, she had 5 cats and wanted 10 cats to live in our house. I said that I could only handle 3 cats, so she needed to choose between me and the cats. She then went out and got 5 more cats and said bye bye to me.. It kinda popped my bubble, but showed me where I stood with her.
 
G

GaryA

Guest
#20
#20
Dan58 said:

You have the correct answer.. His philosophy was that marriages work when you love your spouse more than yourself. Steeping in front of your wife to take the bullet proves that you value her life more than your own. People who enter into marriage thinking its a 50/50 give and take arrangement are generally sorely disappointed, because it often requires giving 90% and receiving 10%.

He did not allow adding any additional circumstances to the scenario, just that the strange man would shoot and kill once and then leave. My answer was that I'd put myself between her and the shooter. Her answer was "I'd duck". I later learned that self-preservation was her first priority, nothing was more important than her own needs and desires. We aren't together anymore.. Long story short, she had 5 cats and wanted 10 cats to live in our house. I said that I could only handle 3 cats, so she needed to choose between me and the cats. She then went out and got 5 more cats and said bye bye to me.. It kinda popped my bubble, but showed me where I stood with her.
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I was unaware of this part of the scenario.

"In that case, it becomes very simple - I step in front and take the bullet - and, she lives."

It would be more important ( to me ) that she be able to continue...

:)
 
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