Do you believe being gay is a choice?

[corkeyw4]

I am struggling with the fact that my 16 year old son is gay. Ever since he was VERY young he showed signs of femininity. Over the years, he has been bullied in so many ways but the most common was being called gay, faggot and all the other names you associate with homosexuality. He has been to counseling and finally when he was 14, one night he had a major breakdown. He cornered himself in his room and wouldn't let me come near him. He said he couldn't do it anymore. Finally, I got him to admit that he was gay (not what I wanted to hear, because of the beliefs that I grew up with). But here was my son, tormented with trying to deal with who he was and who he was suppose to be. How do you deal with this as a mother? I love my son unconditionally and I have told him this on numerous occasions. We have a very close relationship but I admit I am very protective. A preacher told me once that you are not born gay but that the devil has influenced the behavior of a person. I don't believe that my son chose this way of life because he fought it so hard for so long. I have no one to talk to about this, I need to know how to lead my son to Our Lord Jesus Christ. God gave me the responsibility to care and nurture His child but I feel I have failed. Please help!!

 

[kennethcadwell]

I once read a well done study a while back about this issue, and out of all the gay people they spoke to, 85% said they did not develop those feelings tell they were around 5 to 6 years of age and the other 15% said is was around 7 to 10 years of age.
Being gay is a hard sin for those who walk in this way to turn from or not give into the lusts of being gay.

We are still to show love to them, and keep giving them the word of God. Constantly praying for them.
A lot of people want to just cast them away, but this is not the way of our Lord. If we are to cast them away and not share the gospel, then we must say the same about ourselves and the sins we have committed.

 

[Ambi3333]

I dont personally feel it is right but,

"So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another." (Romans 14:1-13)
We are called to Love and show Jesus' kindness, love etc in this world. I dont think we should support gay ,arrange marrage or anything like that, but I think we should, while being clear on what is right, accept and show love and make it clear that the love is always there to our family members who are gay, always be there for them and welcome them. While they know what we have taught them as right and wrong they also know that it is irrelevent in our love to them

 

[Ugly]

This thread will just become a huge debate. Some will say choice, others will say it's not. And they'll become more focused on debating than showing interest in your problem. At least that's what normally happens.

Bottom line is it doesn't matter one way or the other. Whether your child is caught in a sexual sin (of any kind), in drugs, alcohol, violence, etc... it's all sin. And the only way to deal with it is for THAT person (no one else) to recognize it and go to God for forgiveness and freedom. Whether he chose it or not doesn't change this essential fact.
Really all sin we have lived in is a battle. Whether a person chooses to become an alcoholic or not doesn't change that they are, or that they need God. And, really, as a non-Christian it's pretty irrelevant. If you talk a non-Christian into wanting to stop being a homosexual guess what? They still aren't saved. The issue should not be getting your son to not be gay, but guiding him to God. Otherwise you have a sinner with one less sin, but still going to hell.

And you haven't failed as a mother. The whole homosexual agenda is rampant and everywhere you turn. Any moment of question or impulse or curiosity a child may have is now fostered and fed to 'admit who you are'. Growing up now is hearing from a young age, everywhere you turn, that being gay is normal, good, something to be celebrated and proud of. That you're 'brave'. That you're special. That's a hard thing for some people to resist. And as a parent you're one person with a small amount of influence a day. And now he's entering the stage of life where kids rebel and pull away from their parents. Then goes to spend most of his day around people who a) teach him how great being gay is b) is apparently picked on and called gay. Unless you have the money for a private Christian school (and those are not cheap) or have the time and money to home school then your kids go to public school and get influenced. This doesn't make you a bad mother. Just a normal mother.

I suggest keep loving your kid. Keep teaching him, gently, the ways of the Lord. Don't constantly push the homosexual issue. But neither avoid it. Let him feel he can come to you with pressures, concerns, questions and that it will be a two way discussion, not a lecture or a scolding. Hiding nor pushing will do any good. Just love him as your son, regardless of his sexual preference. You can't dictate his choices, but you can plant seeds, water seeds and wait and pray.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

Yes homosexuality is indeed a choice. Homosexuality is sexual abuse. If your son has not sexually abused another man then your son is not a homosexual.

If he is a bit effeminate that is another issue all together. You can tackle that issue simply by having him spend less time being coddled by you and more time with his dad, grandpa, or other masculine family member that is trustworthy.

As for society, society is wicked and your son should give this wicked and perverse society the one finger salute. You boy is only 16, don't lose hope yet. Being a teenager in this evil time era is not easy, but it is not impossible either with some guidance and with God.

 

[BenFTW]

I am struggling with the fact that my 16 year old son is gay. Ever since he was VERY young he showed signs of femininity. Over the years, he has been bullied in so many ways but the most common was being called gay, faggot and all the other names you associate with homosexuality. He has been to counseling and finally when he was 14, one night he had a major breakdown. He cornered himself in his room and wouldn't let me come near him. He said he couldn't do it anymore. Finally, I got him to admit that he was gay (not what I wanted to hear, because of the beliefs that I grew up with). But here was my son, tormented with trying to deal with who he was and who he was suppose to be. How do you deal with this as a mother? I love my son unconditionally and I have told him this on numerous occasions. We have a very close relationship but I admit I am very protective. A preacher told me once that you are not born gay but that the devil has influenced the behavior of a person. I don't believe that my son chose this way of life because he fought it so hard for so long. I have no one to talk to about this, I need to know how to lead my son to Our Lord Jesus Christ. God gave me the responsibility to care and nurture His child but I feel I have failed. Please help!!

Your son being gay is not a hindrance to knowing Jesus. Let me say that again, your son's homosexuality does not get in the way of him getting to know Jesus Christ, just as your sins haven't stopped you from being born again. Yes, hes a sinner, but so were you. He doesn't need to get his act together and forsake homosexuality in order to be welcomed by Christ. Just like a doctor gives medicine to the sick, the Gospel is for the sinner. If he had to clean up before accepting the Gospel, why would he need Jesus? Jesus' blood cleanses him from all sin and it is by grace that sin won't have dominion over him.

Your son can be led to Jesus by God's goodness, as that is what leads to repentance. Show him that there is no condemnation, and that God loves him. God doesn't condemn him and that even in the midst of his sins, God loves him AND he is still the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ (imputed righteousness). Show him how good the Good News is! Yes, he may be a homosexual but that doesn't stop God's grace and the fact Jesus died for him. His sin will be cleansed by the blood of Christ and him having a revelation of God's grace will free him from sin's dominion. He doesn't need rules and regulations, he needs Jesus and His grace.

 

[Animus]

"Born gay" or "Chose to be gay" are not the only two options, and I don't believe either are correct. To make this point, I need to take a detour that is unrelated to sexuality. People are only born with two fears, fear of falling and of loud noises. For example, you could put a bear in front of a baby and it would not be afraid unless the bear made a loud noise. As people grow up, they start to become afraid of various things, but nobody chooses to have fears.

I believe homosexuality is similar to this. Consider that nobody is born with any sort of sexual desire, that is something that develops much later. In the same way, nobody is born with a sexual attraction to feet, and yet many people end up having them. Sexuality is developed through sexual acts (including sexual thought), and those that indulge in their sexual curiosity are at risk of sexual perversion. Many teenage boys "explore their sexuality" through porn and masturbation (which is sinful) and some of them end up falling into homosexuality as their curiosity leads them their for one reason or another.

One piece of evidence I have for believing this is that the LGBT community is far more sexually promiscuous then the heterosexual community (by percentage). If homosexuality were really just like heterosexuality then there should be no difference in the sex drives of homosexual and heterosexual people. But not only is sexual activity more important to homosexuals, it seems to be the most important thing. This is why gay people are so upset about "being in the closet", because they feel like they are suppressing most of who they are, and suppressing what they want most. As a straight man, I never express my sexuality among my friends, I don't date, and I don't feel as though I'm being suppressed. My sexuality is not a big part of who I am. In theory, I could be gay and it wouldn't change a thing, but this is not what is observed. If sex is not very important to you, then it wouldn't bother you very much that you couldn't express your sexuality. However, because sex is very important to them, which is a result of the sexual activity which lead to their homosexuality, they will feel as though they are drowning if they believe they will never have the thing which they want most.

I know this post isn't very helpful as far as advice goes, but all I can really say on that front is try to get him to church and pray for the best. But I think it's important to see the truth of the matter, even if the truth is harsh.

 

[santuzza]

Where's the boy's father in all of this? Dr. James Dobson believes that homosexual behavior very often stems from some type of poor relationship with the father.

Be that as it may, I believe some people are born with a pre-disposition toward certain sins -- alcoholism, sexual impurity, cleptomania, etc. That does NOT mean that person will 100% of the time follow those pre-dispositions. So, in some sense, it is both a "born with" thing AND a "choice."

As others have stated here, and you know yourself, the most important thing is for the boy to accept Jesus Christ as his Savior. Once that happens, he can deal with his sin issues.

I'm sure it's not easy on you, and I pray that you will find God's strength and courage in this trying time.

 

[notuptome]

Difficult situation. Romans 1 cannot be explained as anything other than a choice and a determinate choice by those who do things that are against nature in this area.

Now there is nothing that says that a man who has some signs of femininity is disposed to love other men in the sexual sense. Some very creative and artistic people seem somewhat feminine on the outside but have normal sexual desires. What you want to attempt to counsel your son about is not being influenced to unnatural desires by those around him. The slurs and taunting may cause him to respond like he thinks people expect him to respond. If people call you gay you must be gay right? It is a difficult and vulnerable time when a child is going through hormones and peer pressure. You and your son have received a double dose of the latter.

Trust the Lord and lean not to your own understanding. Perhaps your son needs to hear that it is not necessary for him to make any decisions regarding sex at his age. His frustration is an indication that he is not ready to decide and is reacting on emotion not reason.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Jimbone]

Your son being gay is not a hindrance to knowing Jesus. Let me say that again, your son's homosexuality does not get in the way of him getting to know Jesus Christ, just as your sins haven't stopped you from being born again. Yes, hes a sinner, but so were you. He doesn't need to get his act together and forsake homosexuality in order to be welcomed by Christ. Just like a doctor gives medicine to the sick, the Gospel is for the sinner. If he had to clean up before accepting the Gospel, why would he need Jesus? Jesus' blood cleanses him from all sin and it is by grace that sin won't have dominion over him.

Your son can be led to Jesus by God's goodness, as that is what leads to repentance. Show him that there is no condemnation, and that God loves him. God doesn't condemn him and that even in the midst of his sins, God loves him AND he is still the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ (imputed righteousness). Show him how good the Good News is! Yes, he may be a homosexual but that doesn't stop God's grace and the fact Jesus died for him. His sin will be cleansed by the blood of Christ and him having a revelation of God's grace will free him from sin's dominion. He doesn't need rules and regulations, he needs Jesus and His grace.

I agree with you 100% on this. We don't get thrown in hell for "being gay", or murder, or adultery, or idol worship. We are thrown into hell for not accepting Jesus as the payment for these sins. I feel being gay is no worse then the thoughts that go through my head when a woman walks by wearing something revealing. I mean we on our own without Christ in us, is the problem, not each individual sin. I agree this sin shouldn't be singled out and given any more attention then any other sin. Just keep leading Him towards Christ with all the love you have for him, because Jesus loves and want him just as must as He wanted each on of us reborn in His name. Just keep leaning on Him for direction, and may God bless you and your son in your time of need.

 

[ThomistColin]

I am struggling with the fact that my 16 year old son is gay. Ever since he was VERY young he showed signs of femininity. Over the years, he has been bullied in so many ways but the most common was being called gay, faggot and all the other names you associate with homosexuality. He has been to counseling and finally when he was 14, one night he had a major breakdown. He cornered himself in his room and wouldn't let me come near him. He said he couldn't do it anymore. Finally, I got him to admit that he was gay (not what I wanted to hear, because of the beliefs that I grew up with). But here was my son, tormented with trying to deal with who he was and who he was suppose to be. How do you deal with this as a mother? I love my son unconditionally and I have told him this on numerous occasions. We have a very close relationship but I admit I am very protective. A preacher told me once that you are not born gay but that the devil has influenced the behavior of a person. I don't believe that my son chose this way of life because he fought it so hard for so long. I have no one to talk to about this, I need to know how to lead my son to Our Lord Jesus Christ. God gave me the responsibility to care and nurture His child but I feel I have failed. Please help!!

As someone who is Same-Sex Attracted. You need to be willing to put up with a lot. You need to let Jesus love through you. He's 16, and that means that within the next 4 years, he's gonna mention a boyfriend. Its inevitable. My mother listened to my breakdowns and broken hearts, as did my father. I knew they believed I was living in sin, but they were ALWAYS there. Three years ago, I gave up the lifestyle and became celibate. I'm not "cured", but I am in the hands of God. Trust God to work in His life. When he asks your opinion about boys or something, don't make it an argument. He knows where you stand. Occasionally, he will ask if your position has changed, tell him that it hasn't.


Homosexuality meaning that one is attracted to the same sex is not sinful. It is deviant and it is part of this fallen world, but it in and of itself is not sinful.

Homosexuality meaning that one acts upon those attractions, either through fantasy or through physical action, is sin. There can be no denying that.

Lord be with you, always.

 

[Jimbone]

As someone who is Same-Sex Attracted. You need to be willing to put up with a lot. You need to let Jesus love through you. He's 16, and that means that within the next 4 years, he's gonna mention a boyfriend. Its inevitable. My mother listened to my breakdowns and broken hearts, as did my father. I knew they believed I was living in sin, but they were ALWAYS there. Three years ago, I gave up the lifestyle and became celibate. I'm not "cured", but I am in the hands of God. Trust God to work in His life. When he asks your opinion about boys or something, don't make it an argument. He knows where you stand. Occasionally, he will ask if your position has changed, tell him that it hasn't.


Homosexuality meaning that one is attracted to the same sex is not sinful. It is deviant and it is part of this fallen world, but it in and of itself is not sinful.

Homosexuality meaning that one acts upon those attractions, either through fantasy or through physical action, is sin. There can be no denying that.

Lord be with you, always.

Wow brother I do see a small glimpse of your testimony in this post, and would still very much like to heard more about it, if He ever leads you to share it. I agree with what you're saying here totally, and may God continue blessing your life.

 

[jogoldie]

As someone who is Same-Sex attracted. You need to be willing to put up with a lot. You need to let Jesus love through you. He's 16, and that means that within the next 4 years, he's gonna mention a boyfriend. Its inevitable. My mother listened to my breakdowns and broken hearts, as did my father. I knew they believed I was living in sin, but they were ALWAYS there. Three years ago, I gave up the lifestyle and became celibate. I'm not "cured", but I am in the hands of God. Trust God to work in His life. When he asks your opinion about boys or something, don't make it an argument. He knows where you stand. Occasionally, he will ask if your position has changed, tell him that it hasn't.


Homosexuality meaning that one is attracted to the same sex is not sinful. It is deviant and it is part of this fallen world, but it in and of itself is not sinful.

Homosexuality meaning that one acts upon those attractions, either through fantasy or through physical action, is sin. There can be no denying that.

Lord be with you, always.

Thomas my brother I have prayed and asked God for the words.....I came back and found them here with you......
You my friend is just what this sister needed to hear......thankyou for your insight you have gained wisdom and
should stand tall....your Godly man is showing.........you will be able to help where none of us have no idea of how...
stay strong and be blessed..........peace and love....jo

 

[blue_ladybug]

​To answer the opening question, NO, I don't believe being gay is a choice. Neither do I believe that some of us are born as killers, or rapists, or gays. I don't know what makes a person "turn gay." I truly don't understand how men can be attracted to other men, and women to other women. I will say what others here have said: love your son through this and try to understand why he feels this way.

 

[Animus]

I agree with you 100% on this. We don't get thrown in hell for "being gay", or murder, or adultery, or idol worship. We are thrown into hell for not accepting Jesus as the payment for these sins.

I disagree. In fact, I think the opposite is true, and that it is this misconception that causes so many people to think Christianity is silly. People are not thrown in hell for not accepting Jesus as their savior, they are thrown in hell for their own sins, as is just. If you don't accept this, then you have a difficult time understand how God can punish people who have never heard of Jesus. If someone is drowning out at sea and a boat comes by and they refuse to get on, it is still the water that kills them, not their ignorance of the boat. Remove the water and they would not have died, remove the boat and they still would have died.

 

[Ugly]

This person came here seeking help and answers. Not to watch people debate. Lets try not to hijack her thread with your arguments. Take it to the bible forums.

 

[Ho11y]

Very simply....I do not believe a person is born gay. I believe it is a choice. You don't have to act out on any same sex feelings you might have. A person chooses to or not to do so. I cant imagine the struggle your son is going through with this, but I can imagine how hard this has to be for you as his mother.

On an separate note. Animus we ARE thrown into hell because we don't accept Jesus as our savior.

 

[Angela53510]

There is a lot of scientific evidence that babies in the womb can be flooded with the wrong hormones, and it will affect their sexuality. So they are not technically conceived gay, but it is possible to be born gay, just as other factors can affect babies in the womb. Your description sure sounds like that, although you should never blame yourself for some intangible factor that no one can define.
With all the chemicals in our food and environment, nothing would surprise me these days. It could also explain why the gay movement is growing. More of them are being genetically damaged.

Or another possibility, though rare, is an XXY chromose structure, making him effeminate. Of course, there is evidence against these sorts of ideas, but I hope one day the debate will be solved. There are also XYY men, who are more violent than the normal man, and usually they end up in jail. XXX females, strangely, do not have many differences. Hermaphroditism is another genetic disorder and really affects sexual orientation. (Just mentioning this for all the people in this thread who jumped on the "made not born" bandwagon!). Genetics is very complex, and the OP might want to get her son genetically tested. Of course, it also might prove nothing.

I do believe there is a push in the media to not only making homosexuality normal but stylish and fashionable. I do not approve of that, and it scares me how many young men and women, searching for identity are wrongly influenced by this.

It doesn't mean anyone has to act on that orientation. I agree that the main thing is that he really knows Jesus Christ as his Saviour. That is what is going to get him and you through this. God loves him, and will help him. We all have sin in our lives, and we all have to turn to Jesus and repent of our sin. God wants him to be saved. Focus on that, and loving him just as God loves all sinners, and demonstrates this by sending Christ to die for us.

"God demonstrates his love for us in this, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

 

[twotwo]

...I need to know how to lead my son to Our Lord Jesus Christ. ...

Be a good Christian, trust the Lord, and be patient!

The Holy Spirit will eventually lead your son to our Lord Jesus!

 

[presidente]

I am struggling with the fact that my 16 year old son is gay. Ever since he was VERY young he showed signs of femininity. Over the years, he has been bullied in so many ways but the most common was being called gay, faggot and all the other names you associate with homosexuality. He has been to counseling and finally when he was 14, one night he had a major breakdown. He cornered himself in his room and wouldn't let me come near him. He said he couldn't do it anymore. Finally, I got him to admit that he was gay (not what I wanted to hear, because of the beliefs that I grew up with). But here was my son, tormented with trying to deal with who he was and who he was suppose to be. How do you deal with this as a mother? I love my son unconditionally and I have told him this on numerous occasions. We have a very close relationship but I admit I am very protective. A preacher told me once that you are not born gay but that the devil has influenced the behavior of a person. I don't believe that my son chose this way of life because he fought it so hard for so long. I have no one to talk to about this, I need to know how to lead my son to Our Lord Jesus Christ. God gave me the responsibility to care and nurture His child but I feel I have failed. Please help!!

Well, don't label the poor boy. Don't call him 'gay.'

'Gay' is a vague term. Are 'gays' men who (often) are kind of feminine who desire other men? Does the term refer to me who perform homosexual acts? Lot's of church people think 'gay' and 'homosexual' as terms that refer to those who perform homosexual acts. Probably a lot of people older than generation X or Y think that way, too.

But people in the LGBT movement and a lot of people in generation Y and many people who watch a lot of TV or movies in the US, think of 'gay' as a kind of orientation a person is born with. They think they are made that way.

What is a Biblical way of viewing it? Well, a man lying with a man as one does with a woman is a sin. It had a death penalty in the Old Testament. Gentiles were driven out of the land for such sins, meaning it wasn't just a sin for Jews. Paul condemned this behavior in the New Testament in Romans 1.

I Corinthians 6 lists 'arsenokoite' and 'malakos' among those who won't inherit the kingdom of God. Arsenokoite looks like it might have been created by taking two of the words from one of the verses in the Greek translation of the Old Testament that teaches men not to have sex with other men. The word 'malakos' means soft, literally, but refers to men who are unmanly in certain ways. But it may also refer to the other guy in the homosexual act. I mean the arsenokoite might have been the 'dominant partner' in the act and the 'malakos' may have been the person in the subservient role.

Your son needs to know not to perform homosexual acts. He also needs to be protected and instructed against falling prey to sexual perverts who try to recruit him into a 'lifestyle' of sexual immorality. He could also be negatively influenced by LGBT rights people who teach him that being homosexual is normal.

If you describe what he's going through, you could call it having a problem with same sex attraction, if that's accurate and that's what he's experiencing. If he sounds-- as they used to say in the South kind of 'sissy'- but doesn't like boys in that way, then don't talk to him as if you expect that he will like boys.

He needs to know what God requires of him in terms of sexuality. The choices are marriage to a woman and fulfilling his sexual desires that way, or life-long celibacy. He also needs to know that a believer is to reckon himself dead indeed to sin, but alive unto God. He shouldn't, therefore, consider himself to be a homosexual, but a servant of God.