Family Problems

[lcerveny]

I have grown up in a dysfunctional family and now I am married and 48 years old. My mother has always controlled the family. So when someone is fighting in the family she plays one against the other. She talks behind all her children's back. Since I have became a Christian I have slowly noticed how this sick behavior bothers me. My mother has hurt me on so many levels. From a young child loosing my dad at age 4 yrs old, my mother ignored me and went to bars, had men over night and got drunk. When we get in a fight about something hurtful she has done to me and I confront her with my hurt feelings she will justify and ignore the real problem. Then she will not call me and I end up giving in every time. This last argument we got into was that I found out she told my siblings about something that was very private and I asked her not to repeat. I was so mad and yelled at my brother. My family upsets me so much. My husband had to finally step in and explained to them all in an email that he would not tolerate this behavior any longer. It so much to explain it is hard to put it all on this email. My mother is going to be 80 years old this year. If she dies I will feel guilty that I didn't patch things up. On the other hand I have always done this and our relationship goes back to the same sick behavior/talking behind the family's back. Gossiping! I am living for Christ and can't be around this behavior. I think God has kept me strong and really doesn't want me to contact her. I believe he is working on the problem but I want to make sure I am hearing him right. What if the devil is giving me the mixed emotions and thoughts? My husband left the email to them telling them that they need to quit judging me and change the behavior. I have not heard from anyone in my family in since last June. Most days I think about it I am so sad that my own mother wants nothing to do with me. Keep in mind I did nothing to her. (I just confronted her about why she told my sibling something that I wanted keep a secret/between her and me) What do I do? So confused. I want to put Christ first and if that means giving my family up I am willing to do this. I feel like he allowed this to happen so I could grow in him better without all the sick behavior. Does anyone agree with me? Thoughts?
Lisa C

 

[lcerveny]

Why isn't anyone giving me advise? Please!!

 

[DuchessAimee]

I have grown up in a dysfunctional family and now I am married and 48 years old. My mother has always controlled the family. So when someone is fighting in the family she plays one against the other. She talks behind all her children's back. Since I have became a Christian I have slowly noticed how this sick behavior bothers me. My mother has hurt me on so many levels. From a young child loosing my dad at age 4 yrs old, my mother ignored me and went to bars, had men over night and got drunk. When we get in a fight about something hurtful she has done to me and I confront her with my hurt feelings she will justify and ignore the real problem. Then she will not call me and I end up giving in every time. This last argument we got into was that I found out she told my siblings about something that was very private and I asked her not to repeat. I was so mad and yelled at my brother. My family upsets me so much. My husband had to finally step in and explained to them all in an email that he would not tolerate this behavior any longer. It so much to explain it is hard to put it all on this email. My mother is going to be 80 years old this year. If she dies I will feel guilty that I didn't patch things up. On the other hand I have always done this and our relationship goes back to the same sick behavior/talking behind the family's back. Gossiping! I am living for Christ and can't be around this behavior. I think God has kept me strong and really doesn't want me to contact her. I believe he is working on the problem but I want to make sure I am hearing him right. What if the devil is giving me the mixed emotions and thoughts? My husband left the email to them telling them that they need to quit judging me and change the behavior. I have not heard from anyone in my family in since last June. Most days I think about it I am so sad that my own mother wants nothing to do with me. Keep in mind I did nothing to her. (I just confronted her about why she told my sibling something that I wanted keep a secret/between her and me) What do I do? So confused. I want to put Christ first and if that means giving my family up I am willing to do this. I feel like he allowed this to happen so I could grow in him better without all the sick behavior. Does anyone agree with me? Thoughts?
Lisa C

I bolded the important parts.


It sounds like your mother is very emotionally damaging for you. It also sounds like you have three options.

1) You can keep going back into the family fold. However, if you choose to do so, you must expect the same thing to continue.

2) You can cut them out of your life and not look back. It sounds like you're the family scape goat. Everything is your fault and never your mother's or your siblings.

3) You can give your family very limited access to you and seek therapy. You've obviously got some very deep seeded wounds that need attention.


In my opinion, option 3 is the best bet.

 

[RedTent]

Compared to the non-family of my family it sounds like a walk in the park. You actually care about your mother! You actually care enough about each other to fight! I would like to introduce you to my family. There are no fights, everyone is a Christian close to the church, they probably wouldn't recognize each other if they met on the street.

 

[lcerveny]

Thank you so much! God bless!

 

[lcerveny]

I have had a lot of christian counseling. I am working on forgiving them. Some days I think I have forgiven them and then another memory comes to mind. The difference is now when those thoughts come up I pray. I appreciate your advise. Thank you. I will probably go with 1 and 2.

 

[daszed]

Iceverny, I wish i could be as helpful to you as you were to me and my answer is gonna probably downplay what you're really going through, but here goes.

Your mother is 80. Truly forgive her for what she's done. Learn from the past and if you happen to be in the presence of your family, stick to small talk. Trust no one with subjects that can turn around and bite you.

Live life for God, yourself and your immediate family and don't worry about anyone else. Its their loss that they don't have someone as special as you in their life.

 

[Findingmyway]

Feels to me that your mother is still grieving and is using evil ways to deal with it. At her i feel there is no excuse for her behaviour.

I feel so bad for you because my family is very close, even though not all of them are on a path to being with christ but living day by day. The head of my fathers family passed away and it felt like my family fell apart, but we have rebuilt that bond we had even stronger. Like everything rebuilding things with your mother is going to be hard work. And if your mother passes without a change in her life it will not be your fault because you tried, so dont feel guilty.

That was nice of your husband to get involved and stand up for you.

In my experience, true stories hurt the generation before and caused more problems coming out than keeping them in. I have seen that silence was the way of many cultures here in nz.

Keep following christ and keep your love for him strong and he will not lead you astray.

Maybe even try a full open bring everything to table conversation with your mother and a family councilor? Even include your siblings maybe?

Try writing down everything that someone has done to you and start from there. That helped with me forgiving people.

 

[lcerveny]

Thank you findingmyway your advise was very helpful. Thank you daszed you are too kind. God bless you both!!

 

[Jeniper]

Wow I totally understand how you feel. My family is like that too, not so much my mother she tries to keep the peace in the family but Her side of the family gossips (she does it too) about me and my siblings judging us and it is sick and hurtful. Just yesterday I was at a family function with her side of the family and they always make me feel like trash cause I don't make enough money, I'm separated and I'm on the road for a divorce. I feel your pain, I try to show mercy to them as I would want God to show for me, but you are right he doesn't want us to be continually abused emotionally either. In Gods eyes we need to stay as peaceful as possible and keep smiling, show forgiveness and pray, always pray for your enemies even if its relatives. Its hard to do that cause when you pray you really want your heart intentions to be sweet but in the back of your mind you want to just say all kinds of hurtful things to them because of how much they have hurt you. It can be really hard to hold back. I just went off on my brother and said all kinds of nasty things to him cause I just couldn't keep peace within myself any longer, I should have not responded and spent some time with God before responding but of course I respond with the first upset words that come out of my mouth. Its hard to hold that back and give a Godly response, it takes work to be a christian. I fail God daily but coming across this, because I'm having similar issues with my family it just makes me feel better that there's another christian out there I can relate with. When I had more control over my emotions I used to say, I just need to watch my behavior and if I see bad behavior in others the best thing to do is pray for them and meditate on the word of God, also talk to him, acknowledge he is there, give him a list of everything you are grateful for, think of everything that you love about life and meditate on that. I think you should forgive your mother even though she's not asking for forgiveness, keep a distance from her, dont let her know anything that is private to you and just tell her you love her and that you're praying for her. Just keep going with loving words, you cant control your mothers behavior but you can control your own. I'm sorry that no one else has replied to you yet, I also came here looking to vent and for support from other christians. If you give support you'll get support, remember to be giving and loving to people in need its the only true Joy you can receive.

 

[lcerveny]

Thank you Jeniper. We do have a similar story Email me anytime.