Father/daughter problem

[Hannah_Grace]

Hello! I was hoping to receive some advice here because I don't feel like I can talk about that with the people I know because I feel like if I talk about it people are going to say that I'm too hard on my dad or that I'm just mean and that he's my dad and I need to respect him.
I want to be able to respect and talk with my dad without being rude. I want to be able to say that my dad has good qualities but everytime I try, he says or does something that just sets me off.
I feel like my dad stop trying to be a dad a very long time ago. He just said to himself ''Now it's my time to live'' and he never turned back.
When I was very young I had a strong feeling that my dad was cheating on my mom (I don't think my parents ever really loved eachother. Screaming, yelling, insulting is how a normal day goes in my house and it's been like that for more than 15 years but that's another story).
My dad is very immature, he acts like a 5 years old most of times. He's lazy, my mom and I had to do most of the house work because he didnt want to (fixing the chairs, the lights, the lawn, ect). He's always a victim and he always has an excuse for everything. My dad lies all the time, to my mom, to me and my sisters. He's selfish, he will do the minimal for others but if it's for him he will do his best. Sometimes I would be late for high school so I would ask him to give me a lift to the bus stop and he would usually tell me ''It's not my problem''. He never gives but he expects to be treated like a king. I caught him calling other women stupid and other names. Everything is a joke to him. I could tell much more but I think you get the point.

My mom would always tell me how bad my dad was and I think it's one of the reason that's how I see him. I can't say that I love my dad but I don't hate him and I don't want to but everything that he does goes against my values and beliefs.
Yes I want to honor him and respect him so how do I do that? Every day things seems to get worse. I don't want his behavior to affect me anymore. His presence annoys me and I hate feeling these things because they're not from God.

I could go on and on but in resume, this is not who I am and this is not who I want to be. I want to be the person God is calling me to be but i feel like I have to be able to deal with my dad before being able to take another step forward.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Black families are in such disarray today and it's a relatively modern problem. Right after WWII, almost 90% of black families were together and very functional. They were patriotic, moral, hard working, and raising their children properly.

My advice would be to not take your mother's side against your father or visa versa. If you've been taking your mother's side against your father for a long time now you should stop. You can choose to opt-out of the drama and focus on bettering yourself.

Yes, that's what I said. Walk away from the drama as soon as it starts and go do things that make your life better.

And pray for your parents. Try to view them as God des. This is the next step in your personal growth. Peace.

 

[hope36523]

I understand where your coming from I was raised by alcohalics and was abused I had to forgive them it was a long process but a b
ig burden was lifted when i forgave them,i can't trust them not never trust has to be earned.

 

[Hannah_Grace]

Thank you that's a good advice. I never put myself between them when they fight and I usually stay away but what my does hurts the whole family and what I'm saying is that I don't know how to be a better person to me, to others and to God without confronting the problem that I have with my dad. I can't spend my whole life being affected by his behavior and that's something I want to overcome but I don't know how. I pray a lot about that and I pray for him too but everytime I finally feel like ok I can be the bigger person here, he does something and I have to start at zero again.

 

[Powemm]

thank Goodness we can ficus on God when our earthly Fathers fail us.. We all have "one " heavenly father who loves and knows us but not all fathrrs know God.. Keep in mind if he does not have a relationship with God , His fathering abikities will be stunted nit much will thrive if He doesnt first kniw God as His Heavenly father. Hearing that when i was your age heloed me to start looking at my dad differently.. He may not know God but you do!
Another thing.. God has equipped you girl!! So get that crown in your head and lets remind you of a few things..
You have absolutely no control over your mom or dad. Since you know that , since you know God IS IN CONTROL.. make it up in your mind right now to lift and hand " both of them" up and to God.. release them AND their issues to Him..
now what you DO have control over and what God HAS empowered you with, is to be the best daughter you can ve.. no one has the authority to take that away from you unless "you give" your authority away to them..
somehow, i just dont see you doing that, do you?
As far as anything being said to you by anyone? Lets confirm something.. You already know this but im reminding you because sometimes we hear things a lot and dont surround ourselves with those who speak the truth to us.. Even the strongest believer needs reminding.. We always have two choices "believe God OR believe lies told by those who dont know God or who have forgotten Gods truths"
this is also something that is in your control.. Your choice to " believe who God says you are or dont" kewping in mind that God would never say hurtful thinga to you or around you.. For those who do , they do not know God or know His truths.. your mom and dad may not act like they're suffering, but believe me , no one has a desire deep in their heart to do what theyre
doing.. frustration and anger wouldnt come out of someone who doesnt care.. Frustration and anger happens because number one they are scared.. they dont know what else to do..
Anger is an alarm that reveals forgiveness isnt being released by that person in their life.. Forgiviness towards themselves or others wont come out until they really know they have been forgiven...
I will be praying for you!
God bless!

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

It sounds like you have some codependent issues with your mother and father. It's very common. Read this:

Celebrate Recovery - Codependency

Thank you that's a good advice. I never put myself between them when they fight and I usually stay away but what my does hurts the whole family and what I'm saying is that I don't know how to be a better person to me, to others and to God without confronting the problem that I have with my dad. I can't spend my whole life being affected by his behavior and that's something I want to overcome but I don't know how. I pray a lot about that and I pray for him too but everytime I finally feel like ok I can be the bigger person here, he does something and I have to start at zero again.

 

[overcomer2]

I read your story and it sounded like my house from a child's perspective. Like maybe one of my own children could have written that. It definetly will make me get on my knees and talk to the Lord. We have issues at our home too. I think for most everyone when their is a true believer in the house there the devils will gather.

I don't think you can change your father at all. However the goods news is the Lord can change you. He can make you stronger, wiser, able to withstand all the fiery darts of the enemy.
I will keep you in prayer.

 

[AmberGardner]

I'm so sorry, and I know that hurts I struggled with the annoyance thing myself. It's a huge battle...within ourselves. A huge battle of our own character. We can't change people. Our opinions and words are not going to change anyone. God is the only one who can change people. His ways, His words. And we can't change people by taking the scalpel that is God's word and cutting on people who are unwilling to let us doctor them. Not our job to doctor unwilling patients. The only thing we can do is to do what we are called to do, which is live by example. Listen to God ourselves and His light will shine through us.

You're not going to change him by making a display of your annoyance towards his person. What does God say to do?

Proverbs 16:32 Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city.

Matthew 5:44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

Leveticus 19:18 "'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

Mark 11:25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."



God loves him too, and wants him to be saved also

1 John 3:18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

We are to be different from the world. So if somebody is loving you in word but not in action, do the opposite. Love them with actions and in truth And don't give up!!

God bless you!!!♥

 

[Mammachickadee]

Hello! I was hoping to receive some advice here because I don't feel like I can talk about that with the people I know because I feel like if I talk about it people are going to say that I'm too hard on my dad or that I'm just mean and that he's my dad and I need to respect him.
I want to be able to respect and talk with my dad without being rude. I want to be able to say that my dad has good qualities but everytime I try, he says or does something that just sets me off.
I feel like my dad stop trying to be a dad a very long time ago. He just said to himself ''Now it's my time to live'' and he never turned back.
When I was very young I had a strong feeling that my dad was cheating on my mom (I don't think my parents ever really loved eachother. Screaming, yelling, insulting is how a normal day goes in my house and it's been like that for more than 15 years but that's another story).
My dad is very immature, he acts like a 5 years old most of times. He's lazy, my mom and I had to do most of the house work because he didnt want to (fixing the chairs, the lights, the lawn, ect). He's always a victim and he always has an excuse for everything. My dad lies all the time, to my mom, to me and my sisters. He's selfish, he will do the minimal for others but if it's for him he will do his best. Sometimes I would be late for high school so I would ask him to give me a lift to the bus stop and he would usually tell me ''It's not my problem''. He never gives but he expects to be treated like a king. I caught him calling other women stupid and other names. Everything is a joke to him. I could tell much more but I think you get the point.

My mom would always tell me how bad my dad was and I think it's one of the reason that's how I see him. I can't say that I love my dad but I don't hate him and I don't want to but everything that he does goes against my values and beliefs.
Yes I want to honor him and respect him so how do I do that? Every day things seems to get worse. I don't want his behavior to affect me anymore. His presence annoys me and I hate feeling these things because they're not from God.

I could go on and on but in resume, this is not who I am and this is not who I want to be. I want to be the person God is calling me to be but i feel like I have to be able to deal with my dad before being able to take another step forward.

You are 19 years old; still living in your father's house; and want him to change before you think you can love him or accept the way he is now before God. I derive this conclusion from the highlighted areas. You are 19 years old and are responsible for yourself and your actions before God. If you have an issue with your father the change has to happen in YOUR heart before you can ever expect your view of your father to change. If you feel you can't handle his presence then move out. At 19 you are his peer... but as a live-in daughter you don't exercise your right to be independent. If being independent from your father's influence is truly a passion then make it happen... but remember that God and your father are NOT responsible for your actions. Your father doesn't drive you to anger... you let his action breed anger within you where God would have love to grow. If you truly wish to have harmony in your heart and mind before your father, take steps to renew your mind in the love of God. Commit to a pure thought process, and like a computer programmer, put in what you want to come out. This may require your continually telling your mother not to disrespect your father in front of you in word or deed. Even bear testimony to her that you desire to love your father conditionally and do the right thing, and that you will not accept judgementalism as part of the process. Whenever you fail to show love, confess and apologize no matter how humiliating or disturbing it is. Love is all about sacrifice... even the love of the cross that Christ showed; therefore crucify the flesh with Him and put on His cloak of righteousness. Then and only then will you truly be free from your father's influence.

 

[Hannah_Grace]

I never thought of myself as being codependent but I realize that a lot of it describes the way I am with everyone. I really appreciate everyone's advice. And the verses too. It's always good to know where to go in the bible to find answers and comfort. I appreciate the time that you all took to help me. I know that something has to change in me but it's hard in the moment not to react to my father's behavior. But I want to add that this thread was never about wanting my father to change. I knew that God had to change something in my heart but I don't know how to get there.

And Mammachickdee, I'm sad to see that's what you understood of my post. You might have misinterpreted my words but like I said I'm not trying to change my dad and I don't expect him to change, only God can. I'm not looking for my independence as a 19 years old here. I want my heart to be independent and focused on God instead on being focused on people who hurts me by their behavior or by what they say. I don't want to be so affected by that anymore. But other than that I agree with the rest of your answer and I'm thankful for it.

 

[AmberGardner]

Psalm 27:10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.

 

[gcaro7l]

Hi hannah_grace! There are some few questions i would like to ask first before i can give you an advice. First, have you ever talk to your father about how you feel.. did you ever show him or make him feel that you love him even if he wasn't been a good father to you? You said that you want to honor and respect your father, so, do it! sometimes we needed to show them first these things in order for them to return the favor. I want you to love your father whether or not he is a good father. He is your father by all means!
(Eph.6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.“Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

Just forgive and forget whatever bad things your father made to you and your family. There is still hope. God keeps his promises!so do not leave your home unless your family is reunited.

 

[Powemm]

i can so understand what you're saying about "reacting" when certain things come at you.. i was in bondage to this for years with "many people..". it was like an autimatic button was pushed i wasnt able to control.. But God let me go until i became "more sick" of "my reaction" , to it..( Sick of loosing my peace, my joy, my stability) than their behavior.. A desire to "respond" instead of "react" became more important to me, and i began looking for answers how to cirrect this in me.. Well as you know in the wisdom God has given you.. He will be and give you answers as you seek Him more in this issue.. He will guide your heart.. God didnt put codependency in you.. Is God codependant? Absolutely not..Since He made us, we are made up and formed by everything He is.. God can fix any and all things we cant..
we forget sometimes to go to God first and ask Him for help, we forget to go to Him and say "i dont understand this , but i know You do and im going to "trust, believe, and have more "confidence" in "Your ability" than my own.. So im going to hand this to You and thank You ahead of time for taking care of it" .. Keep focusing on building "your relationship" with God.
please feel free to write me if a time comes you find yourself in a situation you want to "react in".. sometimes just saying "nothing" is okay .. You dont "have to react" if you dont want too , or simply saying "i dont know what to say right now is okay too.. what i do is go immediately to God and release every emotion to Him "first"...he desires us to come to Him and share , He already knows what we are thinking, but we dont always remeber to listen to God and hear what He has to say about it.. Im finding by doing this, my reactions have almost completely stopped.. Takes practice doing it, but it has brought about so much change in me .. Youre on the right track Hannah! Keep your eyes on "falling forward" towards God , instrad of backwards to yourself dealing with it..
Gods is doing some amazing work in you! ")

 

[woka]

Hello Hannah Grace, let me just say that you are awesome, to sit and put it out there girl, really shows a level of maturity and concern for wanting to do the right thing. Asking is never a bad thing hey?

I think if you spoke to just about everyone on here you would probably find that 90% of people on here have lived your life, with either their mom's or dad's. There are no excuses for their behaviour honestly their isn't. We can sit and analise until the cows come home, but at the end of the day they might be mom's and dad's but they are still just people, like all of us, which means they are all just sinner;s like all of us.

We have an idea of what parents should be like and when our's don't fit the mould we don't know what to do. So realistically there is only one person who can make a difference and that person is you. You can only ever focus on what you do and say and how you react and respond. If things just get to difficult go out somewhere, go over to a friend and pray, attend a youth group, get involved in some kind of community work. Make yourself busy helping other's this also allows us to put our own lives into perspective and when we think we have it bad, there is always someone out there worse off.

Have you thought of hugging your dad and telling him that you care about him? Yes this would be a huge step, and one he would not expect at all, and might even act aggressively because he is embarrassed but how would it make you feel? People always live up to the expectation's we have of them, when he believes that you know he can, and you accept him for who he is he will definitely become that person.

 

[Rickee]

Hello! I was hoping to receive some advice here because I don't feel like I can talk about that with the people I know because I feel like if I talk about it people are going to say that I'm too hard on my dad or that I'm just mean and that he's my dad and I need to respect him.
I want to be able to respect and talk with my dad without being rude. I want to be able to say that my dad has good qualities but everytime I try, he says or does something that just sets me off.
I feel like my dad stop trying to be a dad a very long time ago. He just said to himself ''Now it's my time to live'' and he never turned back.
When I was very young I had a strong feeling that my dad was cheating on my mom (I don't think my parents ever really loved eachother. Screaming, yelling, insulting is how a normal day goes in my house and it's been like that for more than 15 years but that's another story).
My dad is very immature, he acts like a 5 years old most of times. He's lazy, my mom and I had to do most of the house work because he didnt want to (fixing the chairs, the lights, the lawn, ect). He's always a victim and he always has an excuse for everything. My dad lies all the time, to my mom, to me and my sisters. He's selfish, he will do the minimal for others but if it's for him he will do his best. Sometimes I would be late for high school so I would ask him to give me a lift to the bus stop and he would usually tell me ''It's not my problem''. He never gives but he expects to be treated like a king. I caught him calling other women stupid and other names. Everything is a joke to him. I could tell much more but I think you get the point.

My mom would always tell me how bad my dad was and I think it's one of the reason that's how I see him. I can't say that I love my dad but I don't hate him and I don't want to but everything that he does goes against my values and beliefs.
Yes I want to honor him and respect him so how do I do that? Every day things seems to get worse. I don't want his behavior to affect me anymore. His presence annoys me and I hate feeling these things because they're not from God.

I could go on and on but in resume, this is not who I am and this is not who I want to be. I want to be the person God is calling me to be but i feel like I have to be able to deal with my dad before being able to take another step forward.

I can sympathize in what your going through. The good news, you are an Adult, and don't need to be put under this daily pressure. The Bible tells us to " Honor thy Father and Mother" but that does'nt mean you must live with this man. Do
you go to school, have a job, boyfriend??

My Dad was a nighttime Alcoholic (After Work) he would insult my Mom, Sister, and I...He made a goid living, and provided for us, so be thought if entitled him to drink and argue, and us to live in fear daily of what would happen tomorrow night when he came home. I turned 18, went down joined the U.S. Navy, and left 2 months later for Boot Camp. He even told me, I would never make it, because of Military discipline. I made it and 4 years later got out
And proudly showed him my Honorable Discharge, and let him know how wrong he was....years later he had lung cancer from smoking, and helped him until the end 8 months later. My Mom died 4 years later, took card of her.

The point is, before someone destroys your self esteem...step away from them, Love Them, but move far enough away, you do not have to listen or go through this daily....I will pray for you....

 

[Hannah_Grace]

i can so understand what you're saying about "reacting" when certain things come at you.. i was in bondage to this for years with "many people..". it was like an autimatic button was pushed i wasnt able to control.. But God let me go until i became "more sick" of "my reaction" , to it..( Sick of loosing my peace, my joy, my stability) than their behavior.. A desire to "respond" instead of "react" became more important to me, and i began looking for answers how to cirrect this in me.. Well as you know in the wisdom God has given you.. He will be and give you answers as you seek Him more in this issue.. He will guide your heart.. God didnt put codependency in you.. Is God codependant? Absolutely not..Since He made us, we are made up and formed by everything He is.. God can fix any and all things we cant..
we forget sometimes to go to God first and ask Him for help, we forget to go to Him and say "i dont understand this , but i know You do and im going to "trust, believe, and have more "confidence" in "Your ability" than my own.. So im going to hand this to You and thank You ahead of time for taking care of it" .. Keep focusing on building "your relationship" with God.
please feel free to write me if a time comes you find yourself in a situation you want to "react in".. sometimes just saying "nothing" is okay .. You dont "have to react" if you dont want too , or simply saying "i dont know what to say right now is okay too.. what i do is go immediately to God and release every emotion to Him "first"...he desires us to come to Him and share , He already knows what we are thinking, but we dont always remeber to listen to God and hear what He has to say about it.. Im finding by doing this, my reactions have almost completely stopped.. Takes practice doing it, but it has brought about so much change in me .. Youre on the right track Hannah! Keep your eyes on "falling forward" towards God , instrad of backwards to yourself dealing with it..
Gods is doing some amazing work in you! ")

That's exactly what I needed. I beat myself up everytime because of the way I react and I don't want my reactions to be in control of me anymore but I want to be in control of my reactions. Thank you for your words of encouragement, I really feel like you understand how I feel about this problem and I'm more determined to come out of this stronger, wiser, victorious and with filled with more love.

 

[Hannah_Grace]

Hello Hannah Grace, let me just say that you are awesome, to sit and put it out there girl, really shows a level of maturity and concern for wanting to do the right thing. Asking is never a bad thing hey?

I think if you spoke to just about everyone on here you would probably find that 90% of people on here have lived your life, with either their mom's or dad's. There are no excuses for their behaviour honestly their isn't. We can sit and analise until the cows come home, but at the end of the day they might be mom's and dad's but they are still just people, like all of us, which means they are all just sinner;s like all of us.

We have an idea of what parents should be like and when our's don't fit the mould we don't know what to do. So realistically there is only one person who can make a difference and that person is you. You can only ever focus on what you do and say and how you react and respond. If things just get to difficult go out somewhere, go over to a friend and pray, attend a youth group, get involved in some kind of community work. Make yourself busy helping other's this also allows us to put our own lives into perspective and when we think we have it bad, there is always someone out there worse off.

Have you thought of hugging your dad and telling him that you care about him? Yes this would be a huge step, and one he would not expect at all, and might even act aggressively because he is embarrassed but how would it make you feel? People always live up to the expectation's we have of them, when he believes that you know he can, and you accept him for who he is he will definitely become that person.

It's all so true, thank you for your wise words. It's been close to a year that I've stayed at home not doing anything. I go to night classes 2 nights per week and I'm looking for a job but it's not going too well. I don't have any close friends to whom I can talk to. I don't go out except to go to church on sundays and to youth groups but I've never really been close with my youth group. All of that is having an impact on my patience, my relationship with God and the relationship with the people around me. Like AgeOfKnowledge said I have to ''go do things that make my life better. '' And I realized how important it is for me to find something to do because everyday that I stay at home not doing anything, I lose a little bit of that passion, drive and strenght that God has given me.

hugging my dad and telling him that I care about him is an enormous step but I want to turn my life around and I know i'll get there.

 

[Hannah_Grace]

I can sympathize in what your going through. The good news, you are an Adult, and don't need to be put under this daily pressure. The Bible tells us to " Honor thy Father and Mother" but that does'nt mean you must live with this man. Do
you go to school, have a job, boyfriend??

My Dad was a nighttime Alcoholic (After Work) he would insult my Mom, Sister, and I...He made a goid living, and provided for us, so be thought if entitled him to drink and argue, and us to live in fear daily of what would happen tomorrow night when he came home. I turned 18, went down joined the U.S. Navy, and left 2 months later for Boot Camp. He even told me, I would never make it, because of Military discipline. I made it and 4 years later got out
And proudly showed him my Honorable Discharge, and let him know how wrong he was....years later he had lung cancer from smoking, and helped him until the end 8 months later. My Mom died 4 years later, took card of her.

The point is, before someone destroys your self esteem...step away from them, Love Them, but move far enough away, you do not have to listen or go through this daily....I will pray for you....

Your post is really encouraging to me and i thank you for sharing your story with me.

I don't have a job yet but I'm actively looking for one. I don't go to school full time and I will only be able to do so next September and no boyfriend nor close friend. I'm in a bad place. I don't have the words to explain it but I feel like half of me is paralyzed and the other half is just trying to live day by day.

 

[Lucy68]

It's very hard to separate your identity from your parents...the atmosphere you grow up in is what defines you for the most part. Until, your heavenly Father becomes your real father.

In order to find yourself you may need to move away. Still communicate with your parents but in order to grow emotionally and spiritually, I think it's good for children to separate from their parents when old enough to do so. My parents aren't the best examples in the world either. I love them and respect them but I limit my time with them. One reason is because when I'm around them I find myself falling back into old patterns of thinking and acting...which weren't very nice and I don't want to be that person again.

 

[guideme]

Hey there. I can see that a lot of good people are trying to help you now, and it's good. To have people around for whom you can talk with is great. Every second i see my father around me , I think, is the most sinful second that I have in my life. Before, I was just mad at him for not taking care and loving my mom the way he should, but now, he's been too much. I hate him.

My mom would always tell me, that although he was not able to provide us the things we need, and although he did not love my mom, I should not feel this way towards him. I feel pity for my mom still saying those things even if the man he loves is 30 years older than she is and despite the age difference my father still takes my mom for granted.

i hate my father, i dont think i love him anymore, but my mom keeps on forcing me to love him, but i cant.

I am forcing myself to do so, and its really hard, i dont want to talk to him anymore, i dont want him to look at me, i dont want to see him, but for the love i have for my mom, and for the sake of the family, i try my best to help build this family together.

A lot of people told me, that a person cant change a person, only GOD can, and through prayer, i believe that a miracle will happen, so what i can advice is for you to just pray and pray and pray.

May the God bless you and your family...
message me if you want
thanks.