Feeling Hatred towards the Other Woman

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Nicky27

Guest
#1
#1
My Husband revealed that he cheated on me in November with a young adult that goes to our church. I am the youth pastor and my husband is the youth Director. He was supposed to be helping this young lady but He revealed to me he slept with her on several occasions even when I was away at youth camp. I did so much for this girl. We even gave her rides home every morning and night. We bought things for her, helped her move into a new apt. and she was sleeping with my husband, at hotels and even in our marital bed. I refuse to even sleep on that bed anymore. I totally broke down. My husband said he was very sorry and said he would do anything to make it up to me. He said he only wants to be with me and no one else. He told me he doesn't know why he did it. I told our pastor and his wife and we met and had several discussions to work out our marriage. My husband and I don't believe in divorce. My husband is the only man I've ever been with. We've been married for 5 years. I got married at 21.

I found out that my husband also slept with his ex girlfriend too within our marriage. I asked him if he did and he told me yes. That ex which was supposed to be a family relative is out of out lives. The other woman promised she wouldn't come back to our church and that she would join another church. Things were getting better with my husband and I until I saw her in church. She keeps coming back. She walks around with a smirk on her face which makes me so angry. Sometimes I even hyperventilate. I cant stop crying when I get home. I have evil thoughts about her. Sometimes I think of beating her up the next time I see her. I think of grabbing her by the hair and bashing her face into the ground. I think of ways to get revenge. I never thought I would be in this place. I trusted my husband completely. I know these thoughts are wrong. I feel so hurt that my husband cheated on me with two women. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me but I feel like garbage. I feel so depressed and I think its ruining our marriage now because it's as if we are taking steps backward because of my anger and sadness. I believe that my husband wont cheat on me again. I love him and I believe he loves me, but my heart is so broken. I haven't told anyone besides my pastor and his wife and I don't want to keep burdening them with my feelings because they are busy people. I don't have anyone else to talk to. Sometimes I think my death would be a reward. This pain is too much. Please help. Anybody.
 
damombomb

damombomb

Senior Member
#2
Feb 27, 2011
3,801
68
48
#2
My word sister, this is a lot to go through. They should probably tell the girl to go somewhere else. She is causing others to
fall and stumble.I pray the Lord give you complete wholeness,peace and strength, and take this off your heart in Jesus name
 
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Nicky27

Guest
#3
#3
Thank you for answering. My pastor told me that he would speak to her about leaving. He did and she promised she wouldn't come back, but she keeps coming back. I will speak to him about it again tomorrow. Perhaps he can come up with another solution. I know he cant physically put her out of the church but maybe he can persuade her to leave. Every time I see her, its like a stab in my heart.
 
Misty77

Misty77

Senior Member
#4
Aug 30, 2013
1,746
45
0
#4
You won't consider divorce, but you long for death. I've been on that path, too, but for slightly different reasons. You might want to ask yourself why you won't consider divorce when your vows have already been broken. The male that you married has already confessed that he doesn't respect you, doesn't value your marriage, is willing to lie to you, and is even willing to risk your life by exposing you to God only knows what kind of STIs. He has abused his position as a youth pastor and has desecrated your marriage bed. One has to wonder what sort of person engages in that kind of activity.

And I know what it's like when a rather public marriage falls apart as I was married to a pastor who left his faith and his family. Blessedly, I have had more opportunities for ministry now that he has left. You also need to think about what kind of example you are setting for all of those young eyes who are watching you. Do you want those precious young ladies to think that is the sort of treatment they should expect, much less tolerate, from a "good, Christian man"?

You are certainly welcome to stay in that marriage, but it would be irresponsible to procreate with someone with such a terrible track record as a spouse. Parenting only puts more stress on a marriage. Yes, God can redeem. It is within the realm of possibilities (not probabilities) that the male you married will become a person of character. But are you willing to risk your children on that chance?
 
Misty77

Misty77

Senior Member
#5
Aug 30, 2013
1,746
45
0
#5
Nicky27 said:
Thank you for answering. My pastor told me that he would speak to her about leaving. He did and she promised she wouldn't come back, but she keeps coming back. I will speak to him about it again tomorrow. Perhaps he can come up with another solution. I know he cant physically put her out of the church but maybe he can persuade her to leave. Every time I see her, its like a stab in my heart.
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If she leaves, then your husband should, too. We can't put the blame of an affair on only one party. And your husband is mostly to blame as HE is the one who had vows to consider. HE had (I really hope that it is past tense) a position of responsibility in the church.

Besides, how do you really know that it was only these two women? How do you know it won't be someone else later? Or maybe someone more vulnerable or much younger next time? There is a lot at stake.
 
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Nicky27

Guest
#6
#6
I thought about that. He wants to have kids. I have been doing everything in my power not to get pregnant. What you are saying makes sense. He told me that it would never happen again and that he will not survive without me. He said that he doesnt want to be with anyone else and that he did s horrible thing. Sometimes I think maybe it was my fault because they were times that I wasn't that great sexually speaking. Those days when that I've been tired on many occasions..but my pastors wife tells me not to blame myself and that he is completely responsible. Do you think I made the wrong decision to stay?
 
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Nicky27

Guest
#7
#7
Hes told me every single wretched detail that I've asked about that is why I believed him when he said it was only those two, but that is a good question to ask. Maybe I am making the wrong choice.
 
Misty77

Misty77

Senior Member
#8
Aug 30, 2013
1,746
45
0
#8
Nicky27 said:
I thought about that. He wants to have kids. I have been doing everything in my power not to get pregnant. What you are saying makes sense. He told me that it would never happen again and that he will not survive without me. He said that he doesnt want to be with anyone else and that he did s horrible thing. Sometimes I think maybe it was my fault because they were times that I wasn't that great sexually speaking. Those days when that I've been tired on many occasions..but my pastors wife tells me not to blame myself and that he is completely responsible. Do you think I made the wrong decision to stay?
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I agree with your pastor's wife. The only person to blame for your husband's actions is your husband. Period. He made a vow "for better or worse to forsake all others." If he has blamed you in any way, that's a big warning sign.

It's not my place to judge if you should leave, but he should not be in ministry right now—some would even say not ever again. I would recommend a separation. Your marriage has been shattered; and he needs to build it back, if you still want to be a part of it. You two live apart while he demonstrates a changed character by starting back at square one. No sex while separated. Definitely get tested for STIs because condoms fail, and there are 6 times the number of new STI infections in the US as there are pregnancies every single year.
 
Misty77

Misty77

Senior Member
#9
Aug 30, 2013
1,746
45
0
#9
Nicky27 said:
Hes told me every single wretched detail that I've asked about that is why I believed him when he said it was only those two, but that is a good question to ask. Maybe I am making the wrong choice.
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There was a moment of hearing "every ugly detail" in my marriage and many others that I have known or been a part of. Every time, there has been at least one thing that was left out of the big, ugly confession. Your husband might be telling the truth, but you already know him to be a liar.
 
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Nicky27

Guest
#10
#10
Misty77 said:
There was a moment of hearing "every ugly detail" in my marriage and many others that I have known or been a part of. Every time, there has been at least one thing that was left out of the big, ugly confession. Your husband might be telling the truth, but you already know him to be a liar.
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I made him get tested for HIV. He is negative. Maybe I should separate for a while. He hasn't blamed me at all. Hes only blamed himself. I dont even drive. I dont know how I can move out of this house. I would rather leave than him. Every moment in this house reminds me of the affair. I could go to my moms house I guess. I didn't want her to find out this drama in my life. I want her to be healthy and happy. My pastor has removed my husband from ministry. I am in ministry right now but I think I should step down because I am an emotional wreck.
 
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MidniteWelder

Guest
#11
#11
Nicky27 said:
My Husband revealed that he cheated on me in November with a young adult that goes to our church. I am the youth pastor and my husband is the youth Director. He was supposed to be helping this young lady but He revealed to me he slept with her on several occasions even when I was away at youth camp. I did so much for this girl. We even gave her rides home every morning and night. We bought things for her, helped her move into a new apt. and she was sleeping with my husband, at hotels and even in our marital bed. I refuse to even sleep on that bed anymore. I totally broke down. My husband said he was very sorry and said he would do anything to make it up to me. He said he only wants to be with me and no one else. He told me he doesn't know why he did it. I told our pastor and his wife and we met and had several discussions to work out our marriage. My husband and I don't believe in divorce. My husband is the only man I've ever been with. We've been married for 5 years. I got married at 21.

I found out that my husband also slept with his ex girlfriend too within our marriage. I asked him if he did and he told me yes. That ex which was supposed to be a family relative is out of out lives. The other woman promised she wouldn't come back to our church and that she would join another church. Things were getting better with my husband and I until I saw her in church. She keeps coming back. She walks around with a smirk on her face which makes me so angry. Sometimes I even hyperventilate. I cant stop crying when I get home. I have evil thoughts about her. Sometimes I think of beating her up the next time I see her. I think of grabbing her by the hair and bashing her face into the ground. I think of ways to get revenge. I never thought I would be in this place. I trusted my husband completely. I know these thoughts are wrong. I feel so hurt that my husband cheated on me with two women. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me but I feel like garbage. I feel so depressed and I think its ruining our marriage now because it's as if we are taking steps backward because of my anger and sadness. I believe that my husband wont cheat on me again. I love him and I believe he loves me, but my heart is so broken. I haven't told anyone besides my pastor and his wife and I don't want to keep burdening them with my feelings because they are busy people. I don't have anyone else to talk to. Sometimes I think my death would be a reward. This pain is too much. Please help. Anybody.
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You could probably get revenge and feel better, It's understandable how you feel.
But there's one thing the Lord taught me in these kinds of situations.
Revenge is mine says the Lord
Leave room for the Lords revenge
...means...our revenge is Nothing...compared to what God is capable of.
And by understanding this, you also spare yourself from any judgement from the chance of improper judgement on your part led by emotions.

But understand, the emotions you feel are valid.

That's all I can offer, and if at some point, its just too much to handle, perhaps bashing her face in may be the only thing left to teach hussies not to interfere with marriage.
But you'll have to weigh the outcome of possibly going to jail for doing so.
By taking matters into your own hands and acting as both judge and trier of the fact- In court this would be called a biased opinion/ conflict of interest/crime of passion.
 
H

Heartsearcher

Banned
#12
Feb 23, 2013
571
10
0
#12
Nicky, i am so sorry for your situation and its understandable to be upset. however as hard as it may be i suggest you show forgiveness for both you and this girl. alone it may be nearly impossible, so pray to God for supernatural forgiveness. I believe this is a test, a test of your faith, a test of how you trust and rely on God and a test of your love for both God and your love for others. its no wonder revenge and infliction on others is in your mind, often times when we are tested the devil strikes unmercifully. ask God for supernatural love, peace and forgiveness because i think this is an important test and he will answer trust me even if you have to constantly ask if that is what it takes i advise you to do it
 
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MidniteWelder

Guest
#13
#13
Heartsearcher said:
Nicky, i am so sorry for your situation and its understandable to be upset. however as hard as it may be i suggest you show forgiveness for both you and this girl. alone it may be nearly impossible, so pray to God for supernatural forgiveness. I believe this is a test, a test of your faith, a test of how you trust and rely on God and a test of your love for both God and your love for others. its no wonder revenge and infliction on others is in your mind, often times when we are tested the devil strikes unmercifully. ask God for supernatural love, peace and forgiveness because i think this is an important test and he will answer trust me even if you have to constantly ask if that is what it takes i advise you to do it
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This may be good advice and you may be right

Although I'd like to ask...Have you ever been faithfully married and been repayed for your commitment by being cheated on?

 The devil has already struck unmercifully.
 
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Heartsearcher

Banned
#14
Feb 23, 2013
571
10
0
#14
MidniteWelder said:
This may be good advice and you may be rightAlthough I'd like to ask...Have you ever been faithfully married and been repayed for your commitment by being cheated on? The devil has already struck unmercifully.
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no i have not so i do not have a full understanding of the deep pain. now let me answer your question with another question: if one of your dear family members say a child if you have one went through a horrific tragidy that you have no experience in would you not still encourage them and give them the advice God taught you? i don't know the pain of yours but i can promise you i know pain, my life is seen by many as living hell because of the severe and inhuman pain i went through for most of my life.
 
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MidniteWelder

Guest
#15
#15
Yes, i would offer them the advice God taught me.

Proverbs 6
30People do not despise a thief if he steals
to satisfy his hunger when he is starving.
31Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold,
though it costs him all the wealth of his house.
32But a man who commits adultery has no sense;
whoever does so destroys himself.
33Blows and disgrace are his lot,
and his shame will never be wiped away.

34For jealousy arouses a husband’s fury,
and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.
35He will not accept any compensation;
he will refuse a bribe, however great it is.


As well, may I ask you...I realize God has told us to forgive those who trespass against us but does God forgive an unrepentant sinner?
Does the bible also instruct some need to be shamed for their disgraceful acts otherwise it would only be like rewarding bad behavior.
Does the bible also say the ones in authority are put in authority not to address good conduct but address bad conduct.

Making a decision in such a situation is quite a dilemma...often the best thing is never speak to the offender again and treat them as a pagan or tax collector and spare oneself of any further drama.

But...if she can follow the advice you have given, I agree it is more Noble than my suggestion.
 
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Heartsearcher

Banned
#16
Feb 23, 2013
571
10
0
#16
well i have to go to bed but Nicky, may i suggest spending some personal time with God and choose your decision as you belive Jesus would. look at how he treated others even the prostatute and tax collectors
 
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MidniteWelder

Guest
#17
#17
Depends on what kind of tax collector we're talking about, a repentant one, or an unrepentant one

Luke 18
10“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’13“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
14“I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
 
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danschance

Guest
#18
#18
Nicky27 said:
My Husband revealed that he cheated on me in November with a young adult that goes to our church. I am the youth pastor and my husband is the youth Director. He was supposed to be helping this young lady but He revealed to me he slept with her on several occasions even when I was away at youth camp. I did so much for this girl. We even gave her rides home every morning and night. We bought things for her, helped her move into a new apt. and she was sleeping with my husband, at hotels and even in our marital bed. I refuse to even sleep on that bed anymore. I totally broke down. My husband said he was very sorry and said he would do anything to make it up to me. He said he only wants to be with me and no one else. He told me he doesn't know why he did it. I told our pastor and his wife and we met and had several discussions to work out our marriage. My husband and I don't believe in divorce. My husband is the only man I've ever been with. We've been married for 5 years. I got married at 21.

I found out that my husband also slept with his ex girlfriend too within our marriage. I asked him if he did and he told me yes. That ex which was supposed to be a family relative is out of out lives. The other woman promised she wouldn't come back to our church and that she would join another church. Things were getting better with my husband and I until I saw her in church. She keeps coming back. She walks around with a smirk on her face which makes me so angry. Sometimes I even hyperventilate. I cant stop crying when I get home. I have evil thoughts about her. Sometimes I think of beating her up the next time I see her. I think of grabbing her by the hair and bashing her face into the ground. I think of ways to get revenge. I never thought I would be in this place. I trusted my husband completely. I know these thoughts are wrong. I feel so hurt that my husband cheated on me with two women. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me but I feel like garbage. I feel so depressed and I think its ruining our marriage now because it's as if we are taking steps backward because of my anger and sadness. I believe that my husband wont cheat on me again. I love him and I believe he loves me, but my heart is so broken. I haven't told anyone besides my pastor and his wife and I don't want to keep burdening them with my feelings because they are busy people. I don't have anyone else to talk to. Sometimes I think my death would be a reward. This pain is too much. Please help. Anybody.
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His adultery is a very serious thing indeed. I am now separated from my wife. My daughter found a message in her texts that was about her having an affair. She is now living with a bunch of lesbians. I only mention this so you know I understand a portion of what you are going thru.

I don't know why your husband let things get so far out of control but it I think it is something you might want to disclose to your pastor. I know you are angry that is understandable. Jesus told us in many ways that we mus forgive those who have harmed us. It is normal and even expected to have feelings against the girl. When you get those thoughts immediately stop and forgive her and even pray for her salvation. Satan and your flesh wants you to hate her and even attack her but it is not God's way. I hope you will choose the high road-each time you have those feelings. Don't give them any place i your heart.

I once had trouble with a neighbor. When I would think of him anger murderous thoughts would rise up sharply. Each time I fought them by praying. I would ask to be forgiven for my bitterness and forgiveness. I would even pray for his salvation. It took a month or more but I eventually got free of those feelings. I hope you will too.
 
Agricola

Agricola

Senior Member
#19
Dec 10, 2012
2,638
88
48
#19
Your husband is a serial adulterer, he has only confessed to the affairs you know of. When I found out my ex was commiting adultry, she did all the usual things of saying sorry, wont do it again, but she did and she was sleeping with more men than I realised.

your husband is not going to stop either, he will simply be more careful next time. Seems he is using the youth group as a door to prey on young females. I hope he has been removed from his youth positions and banned from contact with the youth at your church. If not why not.

I know you do not want a divorce and proberbly clinging on to hope it will all suddenly work out fine, but will it? you have every right to divorce him. If you are still having sexual relationships with him, how do you know he is not carrying an STD? How can you trust again?
 
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Seraphic

Guest
#20
#20
I can't tell you what to do from here, regarding your marriage, because I don't know how I myself would handle being cheated on with someone whom I'm married too. I find marriage to be so scared that I would struggle to stay with the person if they did. However, as some have said, there will be a time where you have to forgive. Not meaning to be harsh or cold, but at the end day you are responsible for the way you react/handle things in your heart.

What Christ did on the cross trumps every excuse we have to hold onto hurt, pain, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness etc. My advice is start to implement a lifestyle of forgiving, a true forgiveness. Yes it will hurt but I know it will help set you free from the brokeness. God cannot forgive us who do not forgive others. It's that simple. One day we all have to stand before a holy God and give an account, scary thought but it's true. Will be praying for you my sister.
 
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