finding happiness

findinghappiness · Feb 17, 2015

Hi All,

I am here to get some suggestions which can help me with my situation.

Its been almost 2 years I got married, I love my husband and he loves me too.. But I am in a joint family and my in-laws are not allowing me to be happy.

I am a working women, my mother in law is retired, father in law is also retired.. They play with my husband's mind.. My husband even though he loves me he always gives more priority to his parents.. I don't say its wrong but I am king of unhappy as I really feel very lonely.. My husband always things only about his parents.. He doesn't even trust me he thinks I have come to break his family but I have no such thoughts.. He always takes me in negative way.. What ever I do he doesn't see it in positive way always he thinks am doing something wrong that is because his father has put such thoughts in his mind.. I want my husband n his family too.. But I don't know why they hate me.. I really donno what wrong I have done to his parents.. I am OK with everything.. I just want my husband to be on my side.. I want him to trust me.. If he is with me I am ready to bear any trouble.. But because his parents are more important he is least bothered about my emotions..

Please help me.. Tell me how to get my husband love and trust.. Y am I not important to him..

Please help..

Sirk · Feb 17, 2015

What are your goals as to what you want your relationship to look like? I'll bet his are the same as yours. You just have to appeal to that I think.

Jeff_56 · Feb 17, 2015

always, like everyone, who wants peace, joy and righteousness - seek these from the only one who is

able to give these. and he gladly does, completely, through yahshua(jesus). yes, i know this doesn't

or may not make it 'easier' right now, or even for quite some time, physically. or mentally. or emotionally.

step by step , perhaps very baby steps, little by little....

more help perhaps in the books "total joy" and also "total woman" by marabel something i think (saw long ago).

these really showed from scripture and her own testimony of jesus how yahweh (god) gave her and everyone
else
joy as he promises, even in and/or through the hardest circumstances.

all of corrie ten boom's books and testimonies also are delightfully un-commercial - simply through suffering and
torture and struggling and (through the nazi gestapo killing camps/ holocaust) how yahweh provided

perfect peace and joy and even love for the enemy who murdered her sister and father and family and

millions of others. she is almost not known by many today, yet remains a strong testimony of jesus' faithfulness and god's love

in even the worst circumstances.

findinghappiness · Feb 17, 2015

Thanks for your response.

I just want him to trust me.. I want to be happy with him.. But my in-laws are always in between us.. Y can't my husband be mine.. I need his support to get more close to his family.. I want him to understand my emotions.. Y is he least bothered about me.. Or am I doing something wrong.. I want our relationship to be normal.. I just don't understand y he has to ignore me to be a good son.. Y I miss him souch evem though he his there always.. He ll just come to room for sleeping else he will be with his parents only always.. Y can't he spend quality time with me.. How can I strengthen my relationship with my husband..

Please give some suggestions..

Sirk · Feb 17, 2015

So your goals are to be connected, to have joy in being together. To understand and to be understood. Appeal to common goals that you both share. Be a team that he wants to be on.

findinghappiness · Feb 17, 2015

Hello Sirk.. Thanks for the response..

Could you please provide more clarity on how I can be happy with my husband..

My problem is he always thinks am bad n what ever I do he takes it in other way.. Negative.. I donno y this is happening..

Please help me on what I should do..

I want to be happy with my husband..

Please help.. I want my husband to give me importance.. As a wife.. N be with me in my happiness n sadness..

Ugly · Feb 17, 2015

The problem is you want answers no one can give. We don't know how you act in the marriage. We don't know your husband to answer for his actions.
What i do know, is if he is putting his family ahead of you, that is probably something he was raised being taught to do his whole life. Maybe he feels obligated, or maybe his family makes him feel guilty if he isn't with them all the time. There are a number of reasons possible.
From what i have witnessed over similar situations is that often times the parents want their family close and anyone who risks interfering with that is the enemy. Often there may even be a misunderstanding between them and you.
I'm not marriage counselor, so i don't know what to offer you. The times i've seen this happen have been when a professional counselor has been called in to try to work the situation out. Even assuming you are being a good wife, i'm not sure how you can get him to turn from what is probably a lifetime of being told or guilted into making his family first priority without help. There may be ways, i don't know.
But if you are being a good wife then the problem is probably his, not that you are doing anything wrong. Do you raise your voice to him ever? Do you nag him? Talk rudely or disrespectfully to him? Argue with him often? (notice i mean you initiate arguments, not simply that arguments arise, which is normal to happen on occasion) Do you often do things that you know he dislikes?
I don't mean to cater to him, but just not doing anything that might make him (or anyone) frustrated often. If not then most likely much of the problem lies on him, and not on you. There may be some small changes you need to make, but he probably needs to make the most of them.
On the other hand, if you are frequently doing things to agitate him, while it's not right of him to act how he is, it may explain some of his behavior.

Sirk · Feb 17, 2015

findinghappiness said:

Hello Sirk.. Thanks for the response..

Could you please provide more clarity on how I can be happy with my husband..

My problem is he always thinks am bad n what ever I do he takes it in other way.. Negative.. I donno y this is happening..

Please help me on what I should do..

I want to be happy with my husband..

Please help.. I want my husband to give me importance.. As a wife.. N be with me in my happiness n sadness..

ill try and give you a more detailed response this evening.

Angela53510 · Feb 17, 2015

You don't say how old you are, nor what his parents thought of you before you married their son.

Another missing piece is "Are you living with his parents?"

It sounds like your in-laws are pushing him to divorce you. Are they Christians? What about your husband?

First, get your relationship with God right. Then talk to your husband about what the Bible says about a husband leaving his parents, but not in anger.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Eph. 5:31

If he is not a Christian, then the following verse:

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives," 1 Peter 3:1

You have a difficult situation, and I hear you are very frustrated. Praying that you can make some changes, and your husband too, to make your marriage better.

findinghappiness · Feb 17, 2015

Hello All, Thanks for all the good responses.

I am 26 years old, I live in a joint family, with my fatherinlaw, motherinlaw, brotherinlaw, cosister.

I sometimes try to discuss with with on how I feel when his mother tries to say something which disturbs me.. but the moment I say something about his family he becomes furious.. he will just start shouting without listenng anything.. I cannot share my feeling with him.. he gets offended.. and when he stats shouting his family thinks I am always irritating him and they treat me as if it is my mistake but on the other handI just wanted to share what happened.. my husband just hates whenever I try to say about his family.. but to whom I should say.. with whom I should share.. y cant he understand..?

I don want to fight with him but my inlaws and especially my cosister always try to spoil my happiness and when they do that I start crying n try to tell my huband and he starts shouting.. this cycle is going on.. mw n my husband fight only because someone in his family tries to say something which is not acceptable.

My husband is a nice person he just blindly believes his family.. he says he has to take care its his responsibility.. but am I not his responsibility? why cant he have the same feeing for me.. y he has to ignore me to take care of his parents.. sometimes I feel y he married me.. if he wanted only his parents.. then he could have taken care of them alone,, y simply married me....

My cosister is very jealous of me.. she tries to do whatever I do.. n tries to spoil my happiness.. n that affects me a lot.. one more thing is my fatherinlaw likes her more she treats her like his own daughter because they both are from same community.. same language.. I come from a different place and language.. initially my fatherinlaw was against our marriage but somehow my husband convinced.. because my husband was interested.. but ours is not love marriage..

my motherinlaw n fatherinlaw act as if they love me a lot infront of his son so my husband thinks am wrong and I lie about them.. whatever I do they don like.. They even don like the food I prepare.. but whatever my cosister prepares they love it.. they just hate me.. n my husband always chooses his family over me.. i get disappointed always.. my cosister always tries to show off that her husband loves her so much which is true.. my brotherinlaw is very attached to his wife more than parents.. and with this reason my cosister tries to mak me sad..

I donno how to handle this situation.. I want my husband but for him his family is more important.. I am really disappointed.

Sirk · Feb 18, 2015

What is a cosister?

findinghappiness · Feb 18, 2015

Sorry, I meant co-sister.. Hubby's elder brother's wife..

DiscipleDave · Feb 18, 2015

findinghappiness said:

You and your husband need to move out on your own. Or if it is His and your house, the parents of your husband need to move out. It's a bad situation. Fix the situation and then Happiness can return. If you can't fix the situation, then you must learn to accept this situation.
Those who are unhappy, is generally because they desire something that they are not getting, therefore unhappy. If a person learns to be content with what they have, Happiness will follow. Lasting Happiness comes from within, never from without. What i mean is if you are looking from without your own self for others to make you happy, you will never be happy. If you are counting on your husband to make you happy, you will never be happy, if you are expecting his parent to try to make you happy, won't happen. Learn to be content where ever you are at, and no matter what situation you are in, and you will be singing in no time, all the while others are thinking "what she so happy about?" Your happiness, will then be contagious and others will desire that too.
Again Happiness comes from within, happiness that comes from without is temporary, fleeting, and not fulfilling at all.

^i^ Responding to OP

findinghappiness · Feb 19, 2015

Thank you so much for the wonderful advise.

I now realize the reason for my unhappiness.. N I believe I will try and change the situation for myself with your amazing advise..

Remember me in ur prayers..

God bless.

soccermom19 · Feb 19, 2015

Find your own place. It is hard to live with parents or in-laws and make the marriage work.
Try to convince your husband of the merits of moving out on your own.
Good luck to you. Take care of yourself.

Sirk · Feb 19, 2015

I don't think God is concerned with our happiness but with our holiness.

DiscipleDave · Feb 19, 2015

Sirk said:

God is MORE concerned with our holiness that is True, however He also is concerned about our happiness. What Parent does not want their children to be Happy? God is our Father, and we are His children, HE wants us to be happy.
But yes you are correct, God is MORE concerned with our walk, then with our happiness. But if one is walking the walk, then He is most assuredly concerned about our happiness as well.

^i^

mystikmind · Feb 19, 2015

When i read findinghappiness posts, i get a feeling, I could be wrong here, but one thing i have learnt about women over the years is their capacity to imagine malicious intents but in reality are much less or not at all real. Yes there are real situations, but the intent behind them is partly or completely misinterpreted.

And even if that is wrong in this case, People are much more complex than what you see on the surface, and to try to understand people just by the actions and words you can see on the surface is like trying to understand the size and shape of an iceberg just by looking at the part above water. You need to look a bit deeper, try to put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine what you would be feeling to say and do the things they say and do. If you can gain a little understanding of what is really motivating a person, then that will be invaluable to finding effective reconciliation.

findinghappiness · Feb 20, 2015

I agree with u both..

I am taking all u said in a positive way.. am really trying hard to implement in my life.. And to be honest its working for me.. Thanks for all the wonderful suggestions..

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