Heart broken and just speechless

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4

4evablessed

Guest
#1
#1
I come here for advice and somone to talk to, I guess like everyone else who has an issue.

I have been married for 18 ys to a wonderful father and provider. As a husband In general its....

I'm starting to wonder if I have a mental problem or just a nagger not sure... but I know I judge myself so much
because I want to be in order as a wife...Lord knows I want to be in order and be what i need to be as a wife.

I support my husband in whatever he wants and love him dearly but ...I am sexaually unsatified and have been
for a while. We don't do anything together outside of eating out or hanging with family. This gets old.. there is no
excitement. Everything is so routine. Work, home, eat, sleep. He's a hard worker I'm thankful for that but he stays
tired all the time. He has some medical issues that has left him slightly impotent. When we are together he's mostly
a selfish lover. I have talked, pleaded, asked and prayed but find myself being very resentful. I threaten him with me
cheating just to get him to feel the urgency but would never do it. He know all my pleas but just says to pray for him.
I feel prayer without works is dead.... so why pray when your not going to do anything.

I'm so heartbroken.. tired of this cycle and feel so trapped... In 4 yrs our kids would be gone and off to college.. then what..where would our relationship be then....
 
S

starfield

Senior Member
#2
Jun 13, 2009
3,393
58
48
#2
It is unwise to make threats about cheating on him, for it may escalate the issue. Be patient with him and keep praying and trusting in the Lord for divine intervention. The Lord is in control.

Cheers :)
 
Mo0448

Mo0448

Senior Member
#3
Jun 10, 2013
1,209
15
38
#3
4evablessed, perhaps the underlying issue is his feelings of inadequacy due to his impotency as you mentioned. Have you considered speaking to him in regards to that. I know men in general (mostly speaking for myself) can be very proud of their bodies and their "drive" we can call it. Feeling like one no longer has that drive or potency might have had a negative impact on his self esteem and put him down. Perhaps he is embarrassed of this situation and is too ashamed or proud to bring it up to you. I would suggest you speak to him in that manner give him support suggest certain things or 'activities' in order to see if you can boost his libido. I know as a guy feeling confident about myself is key in these matters. Has he considered any medication for this problem? I believe that dialogue will be the most important thing to overcome this dilemma. I also suggest doing something speak to him in hopes of 'sparking' that fire in him. Perhaps cooking him his favorite meal, or doing something spontaneous, put on those sexy outfits he likes (sorry if I am being forward it is only a suggestion and you guys are married so there is nothing wrong with that). I am certain once your spark that fire he will look for you to rekindle that intimacy you feel your marriage is lacking.

DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT SUGGEST or imply anything with cheating to him. That might make him feel even worse about his condition and may cause him to do just what you are threatening him to do, in order to feel wanted or affection. Be supportive is my advice & be patient as well. I shall keep your marriage in my prayers I believe God will work and get you two lovebirds closer than you've ever been ;) haha

:) I hope this helps

God Bless
 
4

4evablessed

Guest
#4
#4
Mo0448... I fully understand all you have said and trust, I have done all those things.. I have..

We have talked about the situation and I know he feels inadequet, and bad about the situation. I have suggested
other techniques but it doesnt really go anywhere. Medications has been tried but it raises his heart rate, so not a good thing.

He says he understand what I'm saying but nothing is ever done... I dont understand.. how can a man say he understand but doesnt do anything... he say's he know there is a threat for me to be unfaithful but still nothing. I try to be patient but again I'm resentful. I find myself wanting to make love to my husband but in the back of my mind I'm thinking this will not be all that and you will be left unsatified. I pride myself on satifying my husband and want the same for me.

Thanks for being frank about things, no offense taken. I have sought to get myself a couselor but can't bring myself to set the appointment.. I know others have harder issues than this but I'm a women who thrive on attention, this is my love language... and I only want it from my husband... I know what i need and have told him but, again nothing.

Again I dont want to cheat on my husband or I would have done it already... I want him to know how this hurts me and how I need him to really understand my needs as a wife are not being met. Is this what I have to look forward to the rest of our lives together...
 
Mo0448

Mo0448

Senior Member
#5
Jun 10, 2013
1,209
15
38
#5
4evablessed said:
Mo0448... I fully understand all you have said and trust, I have done all those things.. I have..

We have talked about the situation and I know he feels inadequet, and bad about the situation. I have suggested
other techniques but it doesnt really go anywhere. Medications has been tried but it raises his heart rate, so not a good thing.

He says he understand what I'm saying but nothing is ever done... I dont understand.. how can a man say he understand but doesnt do anything... he say's he know there is a threat for me to be unfaithful but still nothing. I try to be patient but again I'm resentful. I find myself wanting to make love to my husband but in the back of my mind I'm thinking this will not be all that and you will be left unsatified. I pride myself on satifying my husband and want the same for me.

Thanks for being frank about things, no offense taken. I have sought to get myself a couselor but can't bring myself to set the appointment.. I know others have harder issues than this but I'm a women who thrive on attention, this is my love language... and I only want it from my husband... I know what i need and have told him but, again nothing.

Again I dont want to cheat on my husband or I would have done it already... I want him to know how this hurts me and how I need him to really understand my needs as a wife are not being met. Is this what I have to look forward to the rest of our lives together...
Click to expand...
Book that appointment! Maybe the two of you need to go to a counselor together don't be embarrassed! The important thing is that you want to fix it. I am certain he does too perhaps he just doesn't know how and the fear of failure is huge! I suggest you book that appointment and speak to someone you will get this straightened out and THIS IS NOT what you have to look forward to for the rest of your lives together. The spark will come I am certain he misses it as well I am certain he wants to be there for you perhaps he doesn't know to 'fix' it. He sounds more stubborn than me hahaha. Speak to someone a counselor convince him to try. Give him a friendly push to do something about it :)
 
4

4evablessed

Guest
#6
#6
hmmmm the couselor is for me to see if I'm just not understanding. He does say "he doesn't know how" he doesnt understand why his libido is low and dont hardly think of sex. I feel like I'm chasing my tail.. tks anyway
 
B

BishopSEH

Guest
#7
#7
I prefer the one on one approach so I responded to your thread in private message.
 
Mo0448

Mo0448

Senior Member
#8
Jun 10, 2013
1,209
15
38
#8
4evablessed said:
hmmmm the couselor is for me to see if I'm just not understanding. He does say "he doesn't know how" he doesnt understand why his libido is low and dont hardly think of sex. I feel like I'm chasing my tail.. tks anyway
Click to expand...
The fact that he doesn't know how, and feels that he isn't thinking of sex anymore suggests that this inadequacy isn't just an issue at the surface maybe it stems from something else. Thinking and considering that perhaps you both should seek counsel. I know I am just a 26 year old guy, who am I to claim that I know or have the answers you seek. I just try to put myself in his shoes and I would feel horrified and very down on myself. As I had suggested try to spark his thoughts feelings and desires for that explain to him the importance how much it means to you and such (You mentioned you have I know but as a guy, sometimes we need to hear it more so that it finally sinks).

God is with you 4eva Have Faith :) I shall be praying
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#9
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#9
Relationships do get 'old' and they need constant work to keep them thriving. You're right to think about the future when your children are grown and you and your husband will be left with ....what? I admire your wisdom and honesty with that. I don't think you're serious about cheating but you really shouldn't use that as a motivator to get your husband interested. It's kind of like blackmail.

If he has health problems and is on medications the side affects of the drugs are probably bothering him. I don't think the solution is more drugs to counteract the drugs he's already on. Our bodies (mainly the liver) can only take so much.

One thing you might want to consider is 'getting healthy together'. Eating healthy meals and exercising together is a great way to spend time together and you're going toward a common goal (good for the children too). Hopefully, eventually, he could go off those medications (with his doctors supervision). I have a feeling his interest in life and intimacy would greatly improve. This is probably really bothering him. If he's like my husband, he'll want to act like there's nothing wrong and ignore the issue as long as possible.

Show your interest in him in all areas, not just the bedroom area. Ask him about his job...detailed questions...be really interested. Men tend to define themselves by their jobs...that's why he's been a good provider. Be sure to tell him how much you appreciate him going to work day after day and taking such good care of the family.

Find things to do together. Maybe the children can stay with a relative for a weekend? Go on a mini-vacation...hiking, sightseeing, etc. Just spending time together will greatly mend broken relationships.

Our children are grown and living on their own now. My husband and I also went through a stale time and I have to say I let resentment grow. It was hard to get rid of :(. One way I got rid of it was to think of all the positive things about our relationship and concentrate on those. Satan will gladly help you to grow those weeds of resentment....don't let him do that.

My husband and I actually enjoy each others company again :). And we enjoy going away for a few days and sightseeing...hiking, visiting museums, eating at good restaurants (though we have to work off the extra calories when we get home). It would probably do your husband a lot of good to get away from his work for awhile. The responsibilities can be a heavy load to carry...that's why a marriage is made of two people.

Another thing that helped me was to read Joyce Meyer's "The Battlefield of the Mind"...great insight on how to get our thinking under control.

These are things that helped me in my situation....you situation may be quite a bit different. If so, forget what I said ;).
 
4

4evablessed

Guest
#10
#10
Lucy.. thank you... you hit the nail right on the head... I'm so full right now.. im hurting so much and
am so gratefull that you all are taking the time to reply with good advice. I will get the book because when my
mind gets to batteling i just cant rest. I speak peace over my situation... In Jesus name, Lord please help my heart!

I know our time is not Jesus time, I have been battleling for a long time and I know the enemy will dwell on what will cause
you to loose sight on the Lord. So I feel foolish on giving him this power to upset me.

I love my husband...I'm just so tired.
 
4

4evablessed

Guest
#11
#11
Thanks Mo0448,, I surely was thinking what does he know..he's only 26. But you have given me some insight on the mindset of a man. I try to not be that women who don't understand. I put all I can into making sure he knows I love him but sometimes feelings overule sanity..and I'm walking a thin line.
 
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