help I married a narcissist

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sweetlee

Guest
#1
#1
it's been very difficult these last few months, I had to separate from my husband because of the type of abuse I was receiving. I've been reading a lot of the threads on marriage & divorce as Christian I am confused. I am new at this, I am learning and I'm getting close to God. I prayed to him to help me, and I know he opened the path to get me out. Only he knows my pain, and I do believe he whats me to heal and one day be happy. But when it comes to the subject of divorce ( not my choice) I don't know what to do.
 
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EdisonTrent

Guest
#2
#2
If you feel God open a path for you to get out. God isn't going to leave your cup half full.
Read about Adam n eve, Adam complained about Eve God said no Adam what did I tell you to do.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#3
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
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#3

Why would you marry a narcissist? And now seem surprised that it didn't go well? That's kind of like ramming your head into a brick wall and then complaining about your headache :). Look before you leap, the writing was likely on the wall before you married him. Many of the marital problems described on this board stem from not getting to know a person pre-marriage. People don't change post marriage, problematic characteristics remain and often intensify. Perhaps more prayers for wisdom pre-marriage would eliminate the necessity for post-marriage prayers for help? jmo
 
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sweetlee

Guest
#4
#4
first of all I didn't know I was married a narcissist second of all your advice is not necessary and third you don't even know me
 
Jesus4ever

Jesus4ever

Senior Member
#5
May 18, 2015
783
19
18
#5
I´m sorry to know you´re having trouble in your marriage, sister. It´s good for you to pray to God for help. Pray for your husband and pray for your marriage. Please, do not consider divorce. Think about counselling with a christian.

Some questions:

- Is your husband also christian?
- If so, do you both go to church?
- If so, do you pray together?


I´ll pray for you, sister.


May God bless you and bless your marriage!
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#6
Jan 24, 2011
11,782
2,947
113
#6
If your husband is abusing you sexually or physically, you need to stay out of the marriage. Make him get personal counseling, and when he has done that for a while, if you still want to be with him, then marriage counseling.

As for divorce, wait till you are ready. Some people seem to think that divorce is the ultimate sin on this board. I view abuse as a much worse sin, particularly because it continues on and on, destroying the souls of both the abused and the abuser.

I do think God can restore marriages, but it takes a lot of work. That means he has to be willing to get help and work on it to. There is no point in going back to the same situation, and having the same behaviours come out.

As for him being a narcissist, has he been diagnosed by a professional, or is he just selfish about things? God can change is heart, and show him how to treat you. But that will only work if he wants to change.

So please protect yourself and do not go back until a lot of conditions have been met. If he does not want to change and seek help, then you are free to go your own way. But be careful not to jump into another relationship, which is called "rebounding." You need a lot of help, too, so that you can identify abusers before you get into the relationship.
 
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Tearose84

Guest
#7
#7
Dan58 said:

Why would you marry a narcissist? And now seem surprised that it didn't go well? That's kind of like ramming your head into a brick wall and then complaining about your headache :). Look before you leap, the writing was likely on the wall before you married him. Many of the marital problems described on this board stem from not getting to know a person pre-marriage. People don't change post marriage, problematic characteristics remain and often intensify. Perhaps more prayers for wisdom pre-marriage would eliminate the necessity for post-marriage prayers for help? jmo
Click to expand...

Actually many abusers are very sweet and loving before marriage. Then after the marriage the control issues and abuse come out. They sweet talk you then BAM you are in their snare.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#8
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#8
sweetlee said:
first of all I didn't know I was married a narcissist second of all your advice is not necessary and third you don't even know me
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Your correct, no one here knows you, we are limited to only what you tell us. Understand that its difficult to respond to someone who says they suffer from abuse, because that's very vague and could mean anything. You wrote "I married a narcissist", so I assumed you married him knowing that. You also wrote "Help...I am confused...I don't know what to do". So it sounded like you were soliciting advice. My mistake, I guess you were just seeking someone to commiserate with you?
 
PoetMary

PoetMary

Banned
#9
Nov 25, 2014
942
44
0
#9
Dan58 said:

Why would you marry a narcissist? And now seem surprised that it didn't go well? That's kind of like ramming your head into a brick wall and then complaining about your headache :). Look before you leap, the writing was likely on the wall before you married him. Many of the marital problems described on this board stem from not getting to know a person pre-marriage. People don't change post marriage, problematic characteristics remain and often intensify. Perhaps more prayers for wisdom pre-marriage would eliminate the necessity for post-marriage prayers for help? jmo
Click to expand...

I'm not sure how useful it is to verbally spank people who are caught in painful life situations. Even if she had known prior to marriage (and she reports that she did not), what is the usefulness of telling her "You should have known better?"

Does it lessen her pain? Does it create a loving connection with a fellow Christian? Does it even reflect the attitude of Christ?

After all, Jesus didn't tell the woman who was caught in adultery "You should have known better." He told her, "Neither then do I condemn you." In other words, he offered her a means of escape. Because she was free of condemnation, she could then follow his admonition of "Go and sin no more."

Please, let's not do the unfortunately typically Christian thing and shoot our own wounded. If you are unable to have any compassion for a person caught in a painful and challenging situation, why not simply SAY NOTHING and merely pray for that person.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#10
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#10
Excuse me if I tried to be honest:

If you KNEW he was a narcisist... How come you married HIM?

You yourself liked him by "his" ways (probably)

You wanted to show off, with him, as his chosen... Won´t you admit you -also- have the same problem? (That´s up to you, of course).

I´m just pointing out he is not the only part to be "blamed".

:p http://christianchat.com/miscellaneous/93531-random-thoughts-about-narcissism.html
 
PoetMary

PoetMary

Banned
#11
Nov 25, 2014
942
44
0
#11
Just FYI, y'all, we don't really even know if her husband is a narcissist. And here's what I mean by that:

Narcissism is a very well-defined problem. However, it's also a very popular term to use now. So, sometimes it gets applied to people that are simply selfish or self-involved...which isn't exactly the same thing. The OP didn't let us know whether this is an diagnosis her husband received from a professional, or whether it's simply a term she's applied to him.

Additionally, both selfish people and narcissists can figure out how to wear a mask of social civility in order to get what they want. Lots and lots of people have been fooled by others. You think they are genuine and kind-hearted and fun, and then a couple years into the relationship you're like, "Holy moses, this person only thinks about themselves." Part of what makes selfish people selfish is they aren't really overt about it. They will manipulate and connive to get their needs met. It's really no different than your garden variety con-artist.

I know I've been fooled by people before. So, I don't see much need to shame the OP here.
 
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sassylady

Guest
#12
#12
Dan58 said:

Why would you marry a narcissist? And now seem surprised that it didn't go well? That's kind of like ramming your head into a brick wall and then complaining about your headache :). Look before you leap, the writing was likely on the wall before you married him. Many of the marital problems described on this board stem from not getting to know a person pre-marriage. People don't change post marriage, problematic characteristics remain and often intensify. Perhaps more prayers for wisdom pre-marriage would eliminate the necessity for post-marriage prayers for help? jmo
Click to expand...
Many people change after they say I do. You can't put that on the other person
 
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atwhatcost

Guest
#13
#13
sweetlee said:
first of all I didn't know I was married a narcissist second of all your advice is not necessary and third you don't even know me
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All valid complaints, but I was wondering with your first post -- what do you want from folks here? You didn't really ask any questions or tell what you wanted. Even you said, "only God knows," so I can't figure out what kind of response you do want? Obviously you know what you don't want.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#14
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
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#14
Although my ideas aren´t a personal attack addressed to any person, I´d like to comment on this:

"Additionally, both selfish people and narcissists can figure out how to wear a mask of social civility in order to get what they want."

I believed you don´t want to ashame the OP but, whenever I see a person asking for that type of "help", not clearly acknowledging both parts are playing a role (of responsibility or guilt) I will point out "we" (or they) equally shared responsability on those problems unilaterally posted, in front of public sight (or judgement seats).
 
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twotwo

Guest
#15
#15
sweetlee said:
it's been very difficult these last few months, I had to separate from my husband because of the type of abuse I was receiving. I've been reading a lot of the threads on marriage & divorce as Christian I am confused. I am new at this, I am learning and I'm getting close to God. I prayed to him to help me, and I know he opened the path to get me out. Only he knows my pain, and I do believe he whats me to heal and one day be happy. But when it comes to the subject of divorce ( not my choice) I don't know what to do.
Click to expand...
Face to a difficult situation, we often knows what should be done but our capacity to make the right decision is hindered by our emotions. Nobody likes divorce but this is often the only acceptable option when married with a narcissist and manipulator man. There are many organizations that can help you and would understand your situation. Don’t worry about the future says the Lord but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness. The Lord will keep His promise. Just trust Him. Be strong, you deserves a safe and happy life.
 
Agricola

Agricola

Senior Member
#16
Dec 10, 2012
2,638
88
48
#16
sweetlee said:
it's been very difficult these last few months, I had to separate from my husband because of the type of abuse I was receiving. I've been reading a lot of the threads on marriage & divorce as Christian I am confused. I am new at this, I am learning and I'm getting close to God. I prayed to him to help me, and I know he opened the path to get me out. Only he knows my pain, and I do believe he whats me to heal and one day be happy. But when it comes to the subject of divorce ( not my choice) I don't know what to do.
Click to expand...
There that is the key part. Divorce is not nice and not something to be taken lightly, but it is acceptable despite people thinking its worse than killing a baby or whatever, I know many Christians who God removed from their marriage which ended in divorce and are now happily married to another believer who loves God.

All these people telling you to get back to the husband and repair the marriage are wrong. If God wanted this marriage to continue then God would not have given you a path to get out of the marriage.

Legalism sucks.
 
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writetopeoplearoundthewor

Guest
#17
#17
I was married to a narcissist and I started to literally lose my mind. It was either get out or die. If you feel that bad God doesn't want you suffering under this abuse. God hates divorce but what he hates more is watching his beloved being treated like crap. Stay away from people who don't support you getting away from someone who has no interest in changing. Divorce is not easy, it's very very difficult. It is a loss like death but with help you can get through it. Do you have any people that support you?
email me if I can help, I am always available.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#18
Jun 30, 2015
24,759
13,406
113
#18
Sweetlee, your post caught my attention, because I've been learning about narcissism recently. I've been trying to figure out if I am a narcissist (I don't believe so). I found a site through YouTube which I have found very informative, called Narcissist Support, by a lady named Dana. I don't believe she is a Christian, but she does offer much insight and experience. It's good at least to learn more about it. She is quite thorough in explaining traits of narcissists.

May I suggest that you talk to someone locally who can help you through this trial; perhaps a pastor or counselor. The folks here at CC can offer encouragement, ideas, prayers and friendship. You are most welcome to walk with us and share a tear or a laugh.
 
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blondieindahouse

Banned
#19
Jun 23, 2015
1,990
37
0
#19
PoetMary said:
I'm not sure how useful it is to verbally spank people who are caught in painful life situations. Even if she had known prior to marriage (and she reports that she did not), what is the usefulness of telling her "You should have known better?"



Does it lessen her pain? Does it create a loving connection with a fellow Christian? Does it even reflect the attitude of Christ?

After all, Jesus didn't tell the woman who was caught in adultery "You should have known better." He told her, "Neither then do I condemn you." In other words, he offered her a means of escape. Because she was free of condemnation, she could then follow his admonition of "Go and sin no more."

Please, let's not do the unfortunately typically Christian thing and shoot our own wounded. If you are unable to have any compassion for a person caught in a painful and challenging situation, why not simply SAY NOTHING and merely pray for that person.
Click to expand...
Well said. I second that!!
 
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atwhatcost

Guest
#20
#20
Anyone noticing how old this post is yet? She never came back.
 
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