He's my boyfriend of 11 months and I cheated

cpmiller09 · Jul 7, 2014

I've been with my boyfriend for months and last night I cheated. I have no excuse for my actions whatsoever. I just have a question on what to do from here. My boyfriends has a 7 year old son and he had found his mother dead, about a month ago. My boyfriend had been living with me in another state (5 hours away) from where his son lived. He was here for school and had graduated last year. So since her passing, we've been trying to get better paying jobs so he could get custody of his son. No jobs would hire and it was getting closer to the court date, July 24th. So he decided to move back home to get a job and a place, and he wants me to move with him. Today's his sons birthday, ( 8) so He left Friday and I was heartbroken b/c I thought it was over due to his actions in the past. We haven't really talked much and last night i cheated on him. I know i love him due to our history in so little time. But should i go? And if i do, do I have to tell him to ask for forgiveness?

blue_ladybug · Jul 7, 2014

cpmiller09 said:

cpmiller, before you do anything else, you need to confess to him and ask for forgiveness. What would you do if you moved with him, then told him and he kicks you out? The assumption on your part that the relationship was over was wrong to do. You should have asked him if it was over, instead of just assuming it was. To answer your 2 questions:

1.) Should you go? Absolutely not, not until you tell him you cheated on him, ask for his (and God's) forgiveness, then ask him if he still wants you to move with him. If he says yes, then good. If he says no, then it would be better to end the relationship.

2.) Do you have to tell him to ask for forgiveness? That's pretty obvious, lol. Yes, indeed you do. Otherwise, if you just say "please forgive me" but you dont say why you want forgiveness, then he will ask "forgiveness for what"? Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy!! Good luck.

notuptome · Jul 7, 2014

Firstly you need to get right with God. You cannot please God if you are not chaste in these matters. Do you know the Lord as your Savior? Are you certain that you are not just a pretender?

Such a casual view of sex is very concerning. You need to counsel with a good bible pastor about these matters. As it is you are not fit to marry.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

secularhermit · Jul 7, 2014

cpmiller09 said:

If you do love him, that could be told (1) but, if you are that honest, as here, he would think you dont love him, at least any more, but you loved, because you were trying to help him get the child in his custody (2).

The issue, because it is, you needed somethingyou dont have,atleast that moment you said you cheated...

What would prevent you to do that the more?

What would prevent HIM to do that too?

Only GOD knows what it is done in our privacy.

Spiritually, any of you (or us) could be doing the same wrong and, sinning or cheating emotionally starts in OUR minds.

I hope both of you get the correct solution for being alone.

secularhermit · Jul 7, 2014

blue_ladybug said:

cpmiller, before you do anything else, you need to confess to him and ask for forgiveness. What would you do if you moved with him, then told him and he kicks you out? The assumption on your part that the relationship was over was wrong to do. You should have asked him if it was over, instead of just assuming it was. To answer your 2 questions:

1.) Should you go? Absolutely not, not until you tell him you cheated on him, ask for his (and God's) forgiveness, then ask him if he still wants you to move with him. If he says yes, then good. If he says no, then it would be better to end the relationship.

2.) Do you have to tell him to ask for forgiveness? That's pretty obvious, lol. Yes, indeed you do. Otherwise, if you just say "please forgive me" but you dont say why you want forgiveness, then he will ask "forgiveness for what"? Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy!! Good luck.

"Happily", these are just B/G friends... Countenance, selfcontrol is unseen (both sides).

How could that be if they were married?

Dan58 · Jul 7, 2014

cpmiller09 said:

I'd say 'No', don't go. I'm guessing if he knew what you did last night, he wouldn't want you to move in with him now. He just left Friday and 2 days later your in bed with another guy, that's not love. jmo

MrMike85 · Jul 7, 2014

thank you for sharing, we're all sinners and it's great that you've confessed your wrong doings among your family.

God bless you, may the scriptures you read speak out to you and guide your heart and soul.
i'll pray for you and your boyfriend.

so that you may not do the will of yourselves but the will of God.

God bless you.

John_agape · Jul 7, 2014

Hi, It is difficult to give advice because there is important information missing.

In one sentence you say: "So he decided to move back home to get a job and a place, and he wants me to move with him."

So here i seems you both had an understanding that he had to go and he wanted you to follow. So your relationship is OK on that point.

But then you say: "I was heartbroken b/c I thought it was over due to his actions in the past."

That means you don't trust him for some reason. Your cheating seems to me an emotional rebound after feeling rejected.

Your feeling of rejection seems to be something you imagined while in a state of depression, anxiety or both together. You realise now that it was irrational thinking.

You are asking for advice, but without knowing why you don't trust your boyfriend, that is difficult to give. Nonetheless, trust is a vital part of any functioning relationship. If you don't trust your boyfriend then that is the first thing to sort out. Without trust I don't see a healthy long-lasting relationship. If you cannot trust your boyfriend for some reason, then sincerely reconsider why you are in a relationship.

Bate · Jul 7, 2014

I hope openness and transparency should be among those pillars to strengthen and have a relationship go on.
Without those, it instead gives birth to guilt and self-condemnation, which eventually fails a relationship or even marriage; due to lack of peace at heart.
Go ahead, open up and make an apology, if he's understanding that will be solved and fixed. Then you'll be at peace and able to move on with him. It will mean too, that he's of substance.

Be blessed and I bid you good luck!

Ugly · Jul 7, 2014

So you've been living together, unmarried. And the first time he leaves a few day you cheat on him?
And what does this 'cheating' mean? A date? A kiss? Sex?
Because living together then cheating implies sex. Which means you're already in an unGodly relationship and continuing your unGodly behavior even outside it.

AgeofKnowledge · Jul 7, 2014

I seem to remember an ancient Roman historian once lamenting about how some Christians attend mass before heading directly to the games (in the coliseum).

Ugly said:

cpmiller09 · Jul 8, 2014

From october, until a month ago.. There has been multiple times where my boyfriend has "entertained" another female.. A few more than once. I've caught him every time. But I continue to forgive him. I'm not saying my actions were right because I know they weren't. There are many details that I had left out but I've looked past numerous "mistakes" and "I'm sorrys". I do KNOW I love him. But I do know I've made a bad decision. I just needed more advice, I guess you could say because I have no one else to get it from.

cpmiller09 · Jul 8, 2014

And this ain't his first time leaving. He had left back in January to "trade his car", 3 days later he "broke up" with me and said he wasn't coming back. Found out I was preg. Lost the baby. And went thru it alone. He came back in march, and that's when I had found out he had relations during our two months apart, while carrying his child. Then a month ago was when he was trying to meet up with another girl to have sex while heading home to his sons mom's funeral. And a few weeks before that, another ex that he cheated on me with in october had made it seem like they were at it again. And again, I'm not saying my actions were right. 11 months and I cheated when he needed to trust me the most. I KNOW i would never cheat on him again but idk if this is stable enough for me to move. I know i love him. I know i was wrong. But I know i want to be with him. & this is something I shoulda said from the jump, I'm 20. He's 28. & his son is 8.

cinder · Jul 8, 2014

cpmiller09 said:

So how many more times are you going to let him cheat on you? Why do you think he would stop if you move out there with him? What will you do when you finally get sick of the cheating and are in a new town where you don't know anyone else? Do you want to be with him because anyone is better than being alone? I don't see this ending well. Please have the wisdom to find your identity in God and learn how to conduct a relationship in a godly way before putting yourself through another damaging and destructive relationship.

BeeD · Jul 8, 2014

Hon, first of all being that this is a Christian site I fee the need to tell you that you should not be having sex with your boyfriend or anyone else that you are not married to...this is called the sin of fornication. OK with that being out of the way. Anytime you commit such an offense against a person, you need to confess that fault to them and let the chips fall where they may. Even if you two do decide to marry in the future at some point you cannot go into a marriage with this lie between the two of you, because it isn't fair to allow him to marry you when there is a reason that you know would possibly change his mind to do so. I cannot tell you to move in with your boyfriend because that is also wrong in God's eyes. But if you are going to continue a relationship with him, whether you live with him or not, you need to be honest about your betrayal.

presidente · Jul 8, 2014

What constitutes cheating? Going out for dinner? Kissing? Sexual activity?

You did not state whether you were sleeping with your boyfriend. But if you aren't, then living with him is too much temptation. You shouldn't be living with him if you aren't married.

I think you should tell your boyfriend what you did and tell him you won't sleep with him if he won't marry you. Of course, If you put it in one sentence like that, he'll probably break up with you. So you'd have to have a bit more tact. You shouldn't be having sex with him if you aren't married. And I think you should tell him before he commits to marry you, just to be fair. Marriage is a big decision and he should be informed about your cheating beforehand. If he were to propose to you, marry you, and then find out you cheated on him right before his proposal, he could feel seriously betrayed. So while it is difficult and painful to do, I think you should tell him sooner rather than later.

The main thing is to get right with the Lord, to repent and put your faith in Christ so that your sins can be forgiven. You also need to refrain from sexual immorality. Sex is for marriage, not for recreation or expression of affection in a boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship.

RedTent · Jul 9, 2014

I sounds to me as if you haven't a clue about sex. It is created by the Lord, and given to us for deepest pleasure and joy, but if you don't understand it enough to handle it right it can cause some of the grief you are feeling.

Most ministers know about sex and could explain it to you. That is where you need to start. Otherwise, you need some serious bible study, sex is explained well there but it is hard to read. It needs the Holy Spirit in you, also to help read it. Scripture always explains things two ways, they call it literal and spiritual and literal and spiritual work together.

John_agape · Jul 9, 2014

Based on your posts here, I think you should break contact with your boyfriend. Otherwise you will have more heartbreak later.

Firstly let's take a look at your boyfriend.

Men and women generally experience sex differently. While both sexes feel both emotional and physical, men tend to be more physical and less emotional, while women tend to experience sex more emotionally than men.

When we meet someone new and we feel those wonderful feelings we call "love." It really is not love. It is a mix of many things, infatuation, lust, insecurity driving a need to have a partner among others. Infatuation is the time we learn about our potential partner. Only when the infatuation has stopped do we really find out what the other person is like.

Sex during this stage short circuits the process of learning who the other person really is, and instead of developing a deeper bond, there is a physical connection which is superficial.

You cheated on your boyfriend and feel terrible about it and regret it. That is a healthy reaction. Your boyfriend on the other hand is a serial cheater. Saying "I'm sorry" without meaning it is lying and deceiving. You are worth more than being his plaything. He does not love you and you are not the special person in his life.

An emotionally healthy man falls into infatuation, and if he has sex with his girl friend he still respects her, but the infatuation learning stage is still short circuited leading to problems later. Then there are other men who tend to fall in lust with girlfriends. These men see women as sex objects. When they have sex with a woman that confirms in their twisted minds that women, and this one in particular, are sex objects. The relationship from then on is bound to be dysfunctional as it is now fixed in this man's mind that his girlfriend is an object, a sex object.

Women sometimes fall in love with a dream. If they are insecure and meet a charmer (and that is what your boyfriend appears to be) they fall in love with the dream he seemed to fulfill. Now that you know his true nature, you still hang onto the dream. Please don't think your love for him will change him. It won't. If he is a serial cheater he doesn't feel love. He feels lust.

These are some of the reasons the Bible tells us not to have sex before a man is truly committed to a life long relationship with you. It is not as simple as "the Bible told me so." The Bible tells us no sex before marriage for very good reasons.

Why do you love him. Is it insecurity. If it is then your best option is to break up, because it will only get worse.

You are young and should be careful who you date. Your boyfriend shows many red flags. There are many young men out there who can give you real love.

So my advice is:
Break up with your boyfriend.
You don't need to tell him what you did once when you felt he had broken up with you. Just tell him that you can't trust him and there is therefore no future in your relationship.
Take a break from any dating for at least 6 months, to give yourself a chance to collect yourself after this emotional roller-coaster relationship you have been on these last 11 months.
Find a good church in your area. A church that preaches God's word and has Bible studies and some young people's group.
Meet people as friends, not looking for relationships.

Please remember that sex is a dangerous plaything. Wait for the man who loves you for who you are and not because he lusts to get into your body. There are men pay good money to have sex with really gross looking prostitutes, so lusting after you for sex is not necessarily a compliment.

Stve · Jul 9, 2014

if I could give some advice, I would recommend you check out Gods principals for dating, courtship and marriage. The reason God gives us guidelines is for our own good, so we dont get hurt. Unfortunately ive been where youre at as far as relationships that did not glorify God and they always turned out the same way.... badly. I can relate to your pain.

God may have a wonderful man in your future, instead you may be choosing a life of pain and misery. Give God a try, let Him show you what He can do with your life.

Angela53510 · Jul 9, 2014

I would suggest that you learn what it means to be a Christian, for a start. It means to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ (Romans 10:9) and repent of your sins (Acts 2:38)

One of the original commandments God gave, was not to commit adultery. That means sleeping with another person than the one you are married to, although some might quibble about the difference between fornication and adultery.

It is NOT acceptable to live with or sleep with your boyfriend. Same for other men.

It sounds like you did this to punish your boyfriend, but you will only end up hurting yourself. God expects us to be chaste, to not have sex with anyone we are not married to. That is not what the world teaches, but it is what God and the Bible teach.

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals," 1 Cor. 6:9

"But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband." 1 Cor. 7:2

"Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry.' Col. 3:5

God is giving you a wonderful opportunity to repent and come to know him as Lord and Saviour, or he would not have brought you to this group. Please repent, or turn away from this fornication, and God will bless you in more ways than you can imagine.

He's my boyfriend of 11 months and I cheated

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