how do i say no?

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lihle

Guest
#1
#1
I do know how to say NO to my family, that is my siblings. Although they earn way more than I do, they always ask me to borrow them money and sometimes they don't give it back and I it feels wrong to remind them so I just let it be. But when I'm in need and ask them they never have. Now that I'm a widow with kids to take care of alone, I feel its unfare of them to ask me but I don't know how to say no and I feel like they should know that I'm struggling to raise kids on my own and can't always help help them out. So how do I say no without sounding selfish?
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#2
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
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#2
Tell them honestly that you need every cent of your money for you and your kids. Tell them you're done with lending money to them since they never pay you back.. Be firm and don't let them make you feel guilty for saying no.
 
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VioletReigns

Guest
#3
#3
Actually, you don't have to explain to them why you're saying, "No." Don't feel guilty about not giving them your children's food money. They already know you're a widow and a single mother. They should know better than to ask a single mother for money. Tell them to go to the bank and borrow money instead.
 
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Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#4
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
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#4

I have the same problem with family members constantly borrowing money. My sister just asked again, and I told her; "No, because you didn't pay me back the last time you borrowed money from me". I also told her that the revolving credit line was over. She has a way of constantly getting herself into debt and relies on me to bail her out. The bad habit got out of control and I was enabling her to be irresponsible. In her mind, she seem to think that if I had money, she was entitled to it.

I actually like helping people out, because I was in a tight spot once myself and needed help, but I paid them back. In a real emergency situation, I'd loan someone money, but there's a big difference between helping someone out and being taken advantage of. I've learned that when some people smell compassion, they will exploit that attribute in you, come up with a poor me sob story, and borrow as much money as they can get out of you. Now when she ask for a loan, my simple response is, "I'm broke".
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#5
#5
Your first responsibility is to God, who has given you children to care for. Your siblings are fully aware of your situation and are going to you to "get" provision for themselves (from you) that is NOT theirs to get. YOU are not their source... according to spripture...

James 1:27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

they SHOULD BE contributing to YOU. You can't make them honor God... but you can say NO. No explanation is needed and the "guilty feelings" are not the holy spirit convicting you.... that is the devil accusing you.

Be strengthened in the WORD.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#6
#6
These people are selfish users who are taking advantage of you and you don't want to be 'unfair' by saying no to them?
So many Christians have the wrong idea that it's rude or mean to tell people no, even though the person/people are being rude or mean to them first.
And, as Violet pointed out, you don't owe people explanations for your choices. If they are bothered by your saying no, oh well, that's life. Your goal in life is not to make sure their feelings never get hurt or that they never get offended.
 
sandtigeress

sandtigeress

Senior Member
#7
Apr 29, 2013
526
16
18
#7
it is difficult to say no, but your children and you come first.
Just give them a list of things, you are going to need and tell them that then there is no money left.
and could they get you something. :)

Sometimes the right answer to "Oh I need (amount) money, is to say, oh yes i so wish I had that too,
don't I know what it means not to have enough money, i still have to pay (insert list)."
 
H

Hellooo

Guest
#8
#8
Don't loan money at all. My personal policy is to gift it if I can, with no expectation. If the person pays me back great, if not, I had already written it off. If I can't gift it then I'll decline. Loaning money to family or friends creates a weird dynamic that I want absolutely no part of. Perhaps my profession has jaded me a bit, but I feel that loans are best left up third party institutions - credit unions and banks.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#9
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,943
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#9
You are actually doing your siblings harm by lending them money. They are dependent and irresponsible, and you are enabling their behaviour. So next time one of them asks you for money, tell them that you don't want to enable them anymore, and to learn to budget their money.

You might be well advised to the "Boundaries" book by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. They are Christian psychologists and they work on putting up boundaries in order for you to lead a happier life, and to help the people who are violating your boundaries. It really helped me, as I thought all Christians just had to keep on giving into users, when that is in fact, not Biblical.

I hope you find one way or another to stop this thieving your siblings are doing. It is theft and you are a partner to the crime.
 
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atwhatcost

Guest
#10
#10
lihle said:
I do know how to say NO to my family, that is my siblings. Although they earn way more than I do, they always ask me to borrow them money and sometimes they don't give it back and I it feels wrong to remind them so I just let it be. But when I'm in need and ask them they never have. Now that I'm a widow with kids to take care of alone, I feel its unfare of them to ask me but I don't know how to say no and I feel like they should know that I'm struggling to raise kids on my own and can't always help help them out. So how do I say no without sounding selfish?
Click to expand...
Honestly, the easiest way is to ask them for money first. Amazing how quickly they ignore and avoid any talk of money after that. Oh, and if by any chance they give you some but expect to be repaid, just take it off their tab.
 
shineyourlight

shineyourlight

Senior Member
#11
May 25, 2015
6,119
821
113
#11
lihle said:
I do know how to say NO to my family, that is my siblings. Although they earn way more than I do, they always ask me to borrow them money and sometimes they don't give it back and I it feels wrong to remind them so I just let it be. But when I'm in need and ask them they never have. Now that I'm a widow with kids to take care of alone, I feel its unfare of them to ask me but I don't know how to say no and I feel like they should know that I'm struggling to raise kids on my own and can't always help help them out. So how do I say no without sounding selfish?
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Saying "no," is a boundary. I tend to say no when I know my limits or if it's not something I know I am able to do.

When you don't say "no," people are going to cross lines with you simply because they don't know what lines not to cross because it is not communicated. You have every right to set up a boundary by saying, "no."

It seems like your siblings are taking total advantage and you must set up that boundary. It's hard, sure. You want to be nice, but your'e setting yourself up to be walked all over and personally, that makes me worried about YOU.

"How do you say no without sounding selfish?" Boundaries are for yourself and for others to know what your limits are. It's not a selifh act, but it's healthy.

Boundaries are important because it helps you to know what lines not to be crossed are. For example, there are two houses side by side. They have a property line in order to separate those two houses. It's a boundary line. The boundary lines helps the neighbors know what property is theirs. If there was no property line, people would be venturing into each other's yards all the time. Not intentionally, but because they don't know where the boundary is.

This is why it's important for there to be a property line in order to separate the houses. This goes with you. People may just not know your boundaries and it's important to share that.
 
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lihle

Guest
#12
#12
I want to say no bt sometimes they come with valid reasons why they need money like having no food for the kids or about to be kicked out of the house and , and they will call crying. Once my brother even treated to kill himself because he was in so much trouble, so I gave in and lend him some money. I sometimes had to put my stuff on hold coz theirs seems more important. I even tell myself that no more but they will come up with a sorb story and I feel sorry then I give in. Even if it all I have, I would tell them and they will promise to give it back before I bt when tmy to pay comes they give excuses. Sometimes ignore their calls but then I think what if its something really important then I end up in the same trap again.
 
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lihle

Guest
#13
#13
When I ask and I'm in real need they never have.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#14
#14
Try typing up a legal form where they agree to repay you by a certain date. If they don't pay you back within that time then you have a legal for that you can use to take them to court. That would stop their fake stories, and if they ever have a real need then they know they need to pay it back in a timely manner of you'll sue.
Bottom line is that you have to learn to say no and stop being pressure, manipulated and walked all over. They do it to you because they know you will always give in. You are teaching them this is how you can be treated. It really falls on your shoulders.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#15
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#15
lihle said:
I want to say no bt sometimes they come with valid reasons why they need money like having no food for the kids or about to be kicked out of the house and , and they will call crying. Once my brother even treated to kill himself because he was in so much trouble, so I gave in and lend him some money. I sometimes had to put my stuff on hold coz theirs seems more important. I even tell myself that no more but they will come up with a sorb story and I feel sorry then I give in. Even if it all I have, I would tell them and they will promise to give it back before I bt when tmy to pay comes they give excuses. Sometimes ignore their calls but then I think what if its something really important then I end up in the same trap again.
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They have the nerve to give you a sob story about not being able to feed THEIR kids? And they all have high-paying jobs. What about YOUR kids? How are you supposed to feed them if you give away all your money? Tell them straight up that you CANNOT lend them money. If their in trouble,that's THEIR problem, not yours..
 
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lihle

Guest
#16
#16
In South Africa we have use the term "Ubuntu" which means humainly or compassion, if I make them sign a legal document it will be like I'm not practising the spit of Ubuntu. It is an unwritten law in my culture to help out your family.
 
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lihle

Guest
#17
#17
They know that I'm too nice and when they use the kids, I just can't standby and not help, I think about how sad if the kids go to bed hungry and I just feel so guilty and give in
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#18
#18
lihle said:
They know that I'm too nice and when they use the kids, I just can't standby and not help, I think about how sad if the kids go to bed hungry and I just feel so guilty and give in
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You still have options. I do not agree with your caving into the unjust GUILT they are plying you with but...
You are still responsible to GOD first before your greedy siblings.

Here is what I suggest.... when they say, my kids need food... give them a "portion" of your food that is appropriate for the children. Take this portion and before you put it in their hand say, I do not have any spare money to give you but here is some food for the children... and pray "Father God, bless the portion I give to feed the children so that they are nourished and satisfied, in The name of Jesus amen" and give it to them. Say no more.
When you use your food, pray and bless it also in the same manner.

Can you do that? This is the only solution that I can think of that has YOU honoring God, caring for your own children and honoring that "culture" thing your siblings are abusing you with. This can grow your faith and Sow into their lives as well.
 
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Hellooo

Guest
#19
#19
lihle said:
In South Africa we have use the term "Ubuntu" which means humainly or compassion, if I make them sign a legal document it will be like I'm not practising the spit of Ubuntu. It is an unwritten law in my culture to help out your family.
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In the US, drafting a loan document and going through the process of small claims court to win a settlement is usually a waste of time - you spend money to file, and collecting on your judgement is another can of worms, especially if it escalates to placing liens against that person's assets. Frankly, the whole process is a great way to really destroy what sounds like a shaky family relationship. My culture has a similar unwritten rule (my parents immigrated to the US), and that's something that would never cross anyone's mind to do - it would be seen as an insult. I've seen some ugly feuds over money and property, and to me, I'd much rather just give when I can, or express that I don't have the means when I can't. If a bank won't loan to him, I wouldn't do it either-- once he uses that windfall to make his home payment, he's right back at square one, and coming back to you until you're also broke. What would he do then?

Shine made a great point - you definitely need to establish boundaries. Your brother is your family, but it doesn't help him to grow and solve his issues if he knows he can always fall back on you.

Is he able bodied enough to find work? Does he have any skills he can use to generate income? Does he have possessions he can sell? Is anyone else in his household able to assist with bringing in income? He needs to reduce his existing expenses, and find a way to make more. Perhaps that means moving to a place where he can split his rent with a roommate, or if he owns his home, taking on a tenant who will pay him rent. Carpooling to save on gas. Making a budget and sticking to it for food. Cancelling things like cable and phone. I've heard Uber is in south africa now, perhaps he can look into earning some more money doing something like that. I would think more along the lines of 'teaching your brother to fish', and counsel him to build up an emergency savings the first chance he reasonably gets.
 
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lihle

Guest
#20
#20
Thank you all for your advice, I'll be sure to try some of them just hope i get the strength to follow true.
 
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